Bigger Risks

Today I began to read Parker Palmer’s book On the Brink of Everything: Grace, Gravity & Getting Older.

This marks my 3rd time reading this book since my sister gave it to me for my birthday in 2019.

Today I appreciated this quote on page 2:

Old is just another word for nothing left to lose, a time of life to take bigger risks on behalf of the common good.

I related immediately because lately I’ve been talking a lot to another teacher in our reading department. She has just been at CLMS for two years, came from elementary, and is still trying to figure out the culture there. She is younger and has more career ahead of her, so fretting a bit over her upcoming evaluation and such is on her mind.

I find I have no such worries. I’m old, I’m close to retiring, and I seriously have nothing left to lose by taking bigger risks. I’ve clearly decided to do what I think is most productive for the common good of my learners, and the rest be damned.

Yes, the gift of aging! 😎

This is manifesting in many ways; mainly, I am finding a lot of incredible ideas on how to make the Global Perspectives curriculum come alive. Three years of dullness is enough. I need a new approach.

I also find myself rediscovering things that worked in the past but got abandoned. I have clear memories of some of these activities and feel sad they have been forgotten. I’m determined to have them return to my classroom repertoire.

What I’m thinking is next year has to be Helen’s Greatest Hits. And yes…I still wonder what the heck I’ll do with my creative brain when this part of life is over. But I know something will come my way!

Meanwhile, a bit more risk-taking is in order…and encouraging my learners to do the same. 

Love is a Windbreaker

 Journal reflection:

Today I read the final chapter of AnneLamott’s book Somehow, and once again she brought tears to my eyes.

Love is a windbreaker, fashioned of people who sat and listened and got us tea, who did not run for their cute little lives when ours got dark. Who tucked us in, who got us to our feet and back outside, reminding us to lift our eyes to the hills. (pgs. 188-9)

Although nobody did those things physically for me, I know what they did do is just as valuable to me, and has been just as helpful. I know there are places I can reach out, to people who will listen and care, and will help me find shelter from the storm.

Anne reminds us again that all we need is love —because, somehow, it is everything.

I remind myself again to my commitment to LOVE and find joy.

What else is there to do?

Tiny Folded Maps Revisited

My daily reading of Anne Lamott’s new book

Somehow:Thoughts on Love

has infiltrated my system,

bringing me back to

a found poem I wrote

last Sunday that, frankly,

baffled me. I didn’t know

what it was about.

But as I read the second

last chapter today, my

heart started to feel at rest

when I realized the dream I hold

in that tiny folded map

is my deep desire to bring

out the best in my learners

through love and joy.

The window I needed to open

was to my own cross-purposes.

How I was preventing the light

and needed to awaken to a

deeper love and find joy once more.

The hidden symmetries have been

revealed to me…

and it is a reward…a passage…a homecoming.

Anne talks about how 

God sets creation in motion

and is with us every step of the way,

eliciting a helpful spark within us,

the bright shining spark…

Be the spark.

Tomorrow, that reality begins.

“Without legs, we fly”

Earlier this week I posted a quote from a Rumi poem which is the title of this blog. I revisited these words this morning as I came to terms with where I am with my students.

Truth be told, it’s been a rough year in a lot of ways. For a while after Jim’s diagnosis, I was pretty numb and just getting through. But as things have become more “normal” with the situation, I turned my attention back to issues at work. 

I’m not going to recount everything here, but I came to terms today with some of my own rigidity. Rumi’s quote applies because as I am grounding down, I am missing ways we can fly.

This doesn’t apply to all classes, but a couple in particular. My actions are not helping, even though I thought they would. 

Today I realized that something that had been working for me was cast aside: finding joy. I was keeping a journal for that purpose, which I’ve now ignored for weeks. And isn’t like the journal isn’t within reach, like it hasn’t been calling out to me, because it has. 

It’s time for that to change.

Here is some joy from this week:

Many students did fantastic presentations, defying my expectations.

As we start the Titanic project, some students are pouring themselves into it with excitement.

A couple of creative writers surprised me with funny and brilliant stories.

I chose the Titanic project so I could enjoy this part of the school year before we conclude with One Book, One School. This is supposed to be the best time, and I have been on my way to ruining it with an inflexible attitude.

Today I say ENOUGH. 

You would think after 20 years of teaching this would get easier. But I find every year brings a slightly different cohort of students and I am always flying blind, trying to find the way. With the five weeks left, I just need to let go of whatever preconceptions I still have that I can save the situation. I need to let it be what it is, and love the kids for who they are…flawed and restless, like me.

It’s time to fly into a satisfying conclusion—the one I can create with a joyful spirit. 

I have faith it is within reach. And I will write about it here.

P.S. This song seems appropriate in so many ways! 

Ladders

 

Today while reading Anne Lamott, I was reminded of the ladder I used to fear. It was a wooden one my dad would set up to get into the attic in our house in Cleveland. The bottom half of the ladder were regular flat steps. But the top half were round rungs. Stepping on them terrified me. I know eventually I braved the scary steps and visited the attic, but I think it took a number of years.

When we moved to the suburbs, everything in the attic went into a basement. My encounter with ladders after that was minimal.

At school I have a 3 step ladder is use on occasion. As I’ve gotten older, I usually wait until a neighboring teacher is nearby. I let her know I’m going to be on my ladder, just in case. 

Aging makes you see everything differently.

In our condo, we have very high ceilings. Once a year, Jim would extend our ladder so he could replace batteries in the smoke detectors. He no longer can do that, so we hired someone to handle it this year. I wasn’t about to do it!

Last time I spent a good deal of time on ladders was after Hurricane Ian. I got up there and cleaned all the ceiling fans. I’ve been thinking it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to do that again. But we’ll see. I will have to really be in the mood for the acrobatics involved. 

I’m not in any hurry.

Apricity

This is the post I was going to write the other day, but I didn’t.

Then today I needed it.

I’ve been reading an essay a day out of Anne Lamotta’s new book Somehow. In the essay with the same title she talked about “apricity” which is the warmth of the sun in the winter. Growing up in Ohio, I know what a lovely feeling that is.

Today I felt out of sorts. I was sleepless for a couple hours again last night, after a few nights of solid sleep. I can feel the difference. I’ve let myself get annoyed by minor things again. I couldn’t seem to get myself right. And I was feeling additional irritation at trying to figure out what I should write here.

I read Nikita Gill’s poem “Becoming” in which she says:

This woman that you are today,

You became her by breaking

Over and over and over again.

I contemplated that for a bit. I wondered if somehow I was breaking. I couldn’t find an answer to that.

Then I remembered what I was going to write about the other day. I revisited my notes, and I found Anne’s advice for what to do when you’re feeling down:

Make a list of gratitudes

Do chores

Be kind to yourself

Be of service

Get outside

Breathe

I immediately made the list. And, no surprise, I felt lighter. The underlying agitation was chased  away.

Anne calls this the “launch code when under attack” and I think I need it more than I know. It shortens to these words:

Gratitude * Chores * Chocolate * Service * Nature * Breathe

APRICITY!

Relaxing

 

What a day!

I didn’t write this morning, and now I’m still blanking.

This was a day of handling issues surrounding the presentations the kids have been doing.

Partners who don’t do anything.

Email complaints about my feedback.

And the usual loud, obnoxious behavior, a trademark of this 7th grade class.

It was early release, which gave me time to do some things.

Now I’m home and I just want to play Song Pop and sip my wine,

Make a yummy shrimp dinner and watch Palm Royale.

Jim told me tonight he could never do what I do.

Won’t be long now I won’t be doing what I do.

Earlier this year I talked about 18 months.

Now I’m down to about 13.

So goes my Wednesday musings.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll find the writer in me.

Had a plan, but…

I had arranged in my mind what I would write about today, but first we had the cancer center and I had to make a run to Publix and make lunch and, oh yeah, gotta make a call to Consumer Cellular because Jim’s phone isn’t hooking up right.

So we make the call and all that I’m thinking is this has to be quick, I have a mountain of grading and interims are tomorrow. 

We were on nearly an hour. The issue isn’t even resolved, and now I have to go to the store and see if someone can fix the problem. Not the way I want to spent my Saturday afternoon this weekend.

Anyway, I became a grump as you can see, but in the midst of it all I looked out the window and 

WOW

The sky.

Pema Chodron says, Beyond all that fuss and bother is a big sky. Right there in the middle of the tempest, we can drop it and relax.

It’s from her book When Things Fall Apart, and it’s one of my favorite quotes of all time.

I can’t say I fully relaxed. But I did feel a certain grace extended my way from that sky, those clouds, and the stunning gentleness of an April day. It’s another example of how nature can reach out and soothe us even in our busiest times.

Monday Morning

My word for the year is EMERGE, and I keep thinking I should write about it. Somehow, the process of emerging is hard to see and report on.

A couple of connected inspirations came my way today, quotes to contemplate. The first is from Anne Lamotta’s essay “Minus Tide:”

…the question is how do you notice your own life force now?

I don’t have an answer except to say that the last two nights I slept exceptionally well, and I feel stronger because of it.

The other is from Rumi’s poem “Silkworms:”

Without legs, we fly.

I don’t have a comment ready for that one yet. Going to take it into my day and see.

I somehow think both of these are related to emerging, and I need more time to observe how they connect to my daily life.

Meanwhile, I’m grateful for the wisdom of these sages. It reminds me we all have important work to do, and the capacity to do it.

Tiny Folded Map

 Found poem from “My Daughter Asleep” by David Whyte.

I carry

dreams

like a tiny

folded map,

a path that leads,

and I

walk

making

invisible prayers.

Let the window open

Let the moonlight in

And in the darkness

My heart be a lantern 

to light the way.

Awaken. Awaken. Awaken.

To these 

unspoken shadows,

a quiet

request-

for the great

and hidden

symmetries

of life to

be a reward…

a passage…

a home coming.

Let’s Talk About Taylor

 

Today I had a whole shitload of stuff to do for school, and as I worked on it I listened to three new albums that dropped yesterday. The final one was the new Taylor Swift. 

I’m not a Swiftie by any stretch, and the only album I have deeply loved and know well is her very first one. To say I’m just a casual listener is accurate; of course, I’m a huge fan of one of her best—“ All Too Well.”

In passing, I was reading some reviews of the album. One mentioned the album made “All Too Well” sound lightweight. That caught my attention.

After listening, I find that is accurate, as are many other comments I’ve read on the album. Taylor says the lyrics were more important than ever to her, and even in background listening the intensity penetrates. Remember I was listening while focusing on creating assignments and grading.

When I was about 11 songs into the 17 song album, I realized there was something I recognized here. A thought came…How old is Taylor anyway?

I quick search gave the exact answer I anticipated:

I knew it.

It isn’t significant that she is exactly half my age. But I know something about her age I’ve observed for decades based on my own experience.

At that age I had become an entrepreneur working from home, which was not all the rage as it is now. I had worked my way to a place where I thought This is it. I’m in the exact right spot.”

But something didn’t feel right. I felt restless. Dissatisfied. Aimless. And none of those words actually fit. 

I told Jim and he suggested I find someone to talk to. I knew he was right. Someone must have recommended a therapist, and I went to see her. I think her name was Vicki.  

The first visit I told her the mish-mash of feelings I was having. She suggested I check out the good Passages by Gail Sheehy. This was a very popular book in the 1970s and I still had it on my shelf.  I went home and read about my particular time of adulthood, and learned that what I was feeling was the female midlife crisis. It comes earlier than men experience, which is usually later thirties/early forties. Naturally, most people don’t know women have it, too! And it is usually between 34–36. This is when women seek divorce, or go back to school. It’s when all the finely laid plans seem wrong. 

I can’t speak for what it is like to be Taylor. I understand she had a breakup after 6 years, which was the motivation for her. But I recognize the emotion in this line from “Fortnite”:

All my mornings are Mondays stuck in endless February

That’s midlife crisis! She is blessed with the ability to put this experience into words that hit on a deep level, so that even a woman twice her age can say, yeah, I get it…I remember.

I only saw Vicki one more time. I went to tell her that she had pointed me exactly where I need to look.

Taylor is doing that now for millions of women around the world. They will know they aren’t alone when that ennui about life sweeps over them. They will have songs to sing that will speak to the experience. Music will light the dark passage and provide the healing needed. A beautiful and necessary gift between tortured poets.

 

Busy Day Ahead

It has been a busy week, and today will be the busiest. Lots of presentations on the schedule, and I’m covering for a colleague during my planning. That will leave me about 20 minutes to take a breather.

So as I finished my coffee, I went to my coloring app and found this dandelion picture to color. It caused me to reflect on the fact that daffodils are one of the main things I miss living in Florida.  

Maybe later today I’ll add something on to this daily post. But for now, I’m just taking a deep breath with the daffodils before getting into the fray.

ADDENDUM—Today was not bad. Witnessed a lot of great presentations, one class had time for a dance party, one had a game of Silent Ball, my 6th graders started the Titanic project, and I’m not nearly as tired as I anticipated. Came home and found my husband had ordered us a new computer, as ours are slowly dying…and he switched us off our expensive cell phone plan on to one way more reasonable. Thank you AARP discounts! 

On to the weekend! 

“…like a sleepy baby”

I have a boy named Hector, an 8th grader, in my creative writing class this semester. He is often absent, and when he’s there he tends to sleep. I got him to write one thing so far, and the last few classes he wasn’t even present.

The writers are working on doing modern retellings of fairy tales and myths. I was not there Tuesday, but Hector was. My awesome guest teacher talked to Hector and encouraged him to write.

And write he did.

I was so surprised when I found his story “The Little Thug Who Just Needed a Hug” submitted in the draft folder. That title! It is a story about a boy who does bad things because he doesn’t feel love, his family abandons him, his grandmother dies and that lights a fire in him that can’t be extinguished. He finds a woman to talk to and tell his troubles, and when he is done he falls into her arms “like a sleepy baby”—this was the healing that was needed. Someone to listen and hold him. Heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time.

WOW.

I shared the story with his counselor, Betty, and the social worker. They were in tears. Betty went on to read the story to nearly everyone in the front office. She also talked to Hector, not revealing I shared his story but that I had mentioned he wrote something good. Hector explained to her that some of the story was fictionalized, but some was not.

As I was walking in the hallway I heard a student call out, “Hi Ms. Sadler.” I looked over and saw it was Hector.

I can say with confidence in the past he would have just ignored me. I chalk this up to another connection made through the power of the written word and telling stories that matter.

The Comfort Food Cure

This image popped up on my coloring app, and I knew I had to color it, and report the memory it inspired.

Jim and I took a trip out west in April 1986. We flew to Albuquerque, spent a couple of days there and in other parts of New Mexico and Utah, drove to Gallup and stayed overnight, and then hit the road to Flagstaff. We were taking I-40 across, which is the old U.S. Route 66.

Growing up in Ohio, my world was always green, unless it was winter, and then it was white. After a few days out west, the amount of brown totally displaced me. There was so little green, and the large, vast landscapes were beautiful, but foreign. I felt out of sorts and sad. I realized I was homesick.

At that time I recalled that when our family traveled, my dad never wanted to go into random restaurants. We had to go to trusted chains where we knew what we were getting. I realized that while in New Mexico we had tried a lot of different cuisine, and I was ready for something familiar. I knew that could set me right.

In some unknown Arizona town we found a Denny’s. I have no idea what I ate there, but I do know it set me right. We continued our trip to the Petrified Forest and beyond, and the rest of the trip was full of amazing discoveries and delicious local food.

Feeling fine in the Petrified Forest, April 1986

Alchemy

 Inspired by these words from Rumi’s poem “Undressing”:

Learn the alchemy true human beings

know: the moment you accept what

troubles you’ve been given, the door

will open.

Amid the every day

Love nestles in

Claiming a primary place

Heralding my heart to trust

Even when difficulty arises

My mind returns to oneness

“Yes” is the answer to everything 

My Own Private Church

There are many places I have felt on holy ground, but on Sunday I discovered one I didn’t expect…

The car wash

I filled up my tank, got my receipt, entered the code, and drove my car in until the machine yelled STOP! At that moment, “My Sweet Lord” by George Harrison came on the radio. The timing could not have been more precise. 

What else could I do but crank the volume up, close my eyes, and let it all “wash over me?” 😝

It was a meditation extraordinaire.

I’ve known this song since I was fifteen; after today, I will never hear it the same again.

“You’re Kenning Again”

It's a beautiful Sunday morning, and my mind is on prepping the Titanic Project and thinking about errands I have to run. There will be 2 hour crystal bowl meditation to attend his afternoon (yay!). So as I looked for inspiration, I stumbled on something I loved and decided it needed to be commemorated here. 

I don’t think any of us can look at Ryan Gosling without thinking of Ken, and this SNL monologue addresses that, and is hilarious. I don’t think I have ever posted an SNL video on any of my blogs, so this is a first. 

Have a great week. I know I will.

The Sun Breaks Through & the Flowers are Growing

 

I came home from work yesterday with the most satisfied feeling I can remember in a long time. So many things had gone right, I was ripe with glee.

First block I started wading into the opening segments of the Titanic project they will start in full next week, and that always does my heart good. In Creative Writing, one of the annoying students was out of the room, so the rest of us could work in peace. I even handed out cookies.

Then came 8th, the period I dread the most. 28 kids and LOUD. I have one quiet table, but the rest is a menagerie of craziness. I actually wear ear plugs sometimes just so I can get through this extra long, lunch period class. My ears hurt when they leave!

But this day was different. They came in and immediately got to work on their projects. I mean…this never happens. Usually they are opening up video games and waiting for me to notice. And they weren’t airplane-overhead-loud for once. It was so noticeable, I couldn’t help but register it right away.

There was a boy scheduled to present, and he immediately begged off, saying there were a few things he needed to fix in his presentation. I originally didn’t think much of that. But as the time went on, I saw what was happening. And it stemmed from the previous class.

On Wednesday, we had three presentations — Taylor & Adelynn, three other girls as a team, and a boy named Julian. The team of girls did so-so, but Julian really botched his. When I filled out his scoring and feedback form I let him know the many places he missed the boat, as well as reminding him he could re-do his presentation if he would like. This is a cardinal rule of Global Perspectives. Since they are to be building skills, we have to give them every opportunity to get it right.

I had seen Julian in the hall on Thursday with his ELA teacher. She said, “This boy is very concerned.” Julian was asking me to clarify — could he do his presentation again and when? I told him yes, and we’d schedule it. To clarify, he is a quick-thinking, top notch student who received a 70/100 on an important assignment, which had dropped his grade to a (horrific for him) 85%.

But Julian’s failure and subsequent learning was not going to be lost on the others. They had all witnessed his presentation, the boy who can do no wrong, and when he was open about his failure to succeed, they took notice. It is why Lucas knew he had to improve before presenting. It is why kids in the class were calling him over to help them with things. He had become the expert through poor performance. And he had already taken the time to figure out where he went wrong, and he was actively and vocally fixing it. “Hey, Ms. Sadler. Come and see my slide layout now.” 

Dang!

The entire class period was a marvel. Boys that are usually just goofing around were actively creating their flash cards and gently arguing over sequencing information. I was actually able to work on some things I needed to finish because suddenly they didn’t need me anymore. They had their models in place and they finally understood what to do.

And that wasn’t all. 12th period has been approaching this project in the most creative ways, and we had three presentations in there. Jonny did a “sell it” on the history of Asian food, with humor and personality. Charlotte had a cute cartoon drawing which cycled her through her presentation on livestock systems. And Khloe had a “news report” where she taught us the ins and outs of refugees from Afghanistan— not only creating a great deal of interest in the topic, but leaving us wanting to know more. This is pretty great stuff for 7th graders, I have to admit. They are starting to exceed my expectations.

And what teacher doesn’t love that feeling best of all?

Taylor & Adelynn to the Rescue

 

The other day I wrote in “Crevices” about some frustrations in getting a major project done in my Global Perspectives classes. We are coming down the wire on this, presentations have begun, and the major players are coming through with flying colors!

Two of these were 8th period girls, Taylor and Adelynn. They did a stellar presentation on the effect of food allergies on teens’ diet and lifestyle. What they really did was provide a beautiful template to help answer the question “How do I put together my slideshow?”

I had resisted providing a template for the students because I need them to practice that communication skill, to work through their information and organize it. They needed some fruitful struggle. But some of them did need that help getting that final step done, and Taylor and Adelynn provided the perfect model. I have shared with all my classes, and it did help some of them finally dive into the work.

On another note, I’m starting to notice more than ever how my continued absences has affected me and them. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it, but it helps create a bit more compassion and built my determination to do something totally different. I’ve pulled out my good ol’ Titanic project, and am getting that together to begin introducing to classes, starting with my intensive readers today. We all need a break from the horribly dull curriculum, and I’m smiling big just thinking about it!

Watcher

Today I read David Whyte’s poem “First Steps in Hawkshead Churchyard,” and it reminded me of a visit my sister and I made to Holy Cross Cemetery last year, to the graves of my dad and brother. A tree was planted by my brother’s grave, and I saw this formation and took a picture:

Can you see it?

This little owl the tree made?

Nature lets us know

It’s always there

Always watching

Holding a space

For grief and release.

Just Can’t Stop Smiling

 Last night we watched our recording of the Gershwin Prize for Popular Song Tribute to Elton John and Bernie Taupin which was broadcast on Monday evening on PBS. What a great night of memories of all the times I saw Elton perform, hearing from a variety of artists, and being moved by Elton and Bernie’s clear and solid appreciation for American music.

It was near the end that Joni Mitchell performed and honestly, this makes me smile so much I almost feel like a damn fool! It did last night, and it did again when I found it on YouTube. I’m being sure to post it here so I can visit any time I’d like. I’ve always loved the message of this song, and Joni and her squad made it even more poignant to me.

Enjoy!

Parking Lot Angels

 

After a morning at the cancer center with Jim, I made a run to Target to get some needed items. I had not written here yet, and didn’t have any idea what I might write.

When walking out of the store, I thought of an incident in this parking lot less than a month ago. I thought about the people that helped me, and felt it was time to speak my gratitude.

I was feeling stressed that day because company was coming in from out of town, and I wasn’t ready. I did my shopping, loaded my bags into the back end, and started pulling my red cart to the corral. Suddenly, I found myself flying forward, yelling “oh, shit” on the way down, aware of a woman nearby who was witnessing the entire thing.

What had occurred is that my foot got caught under the cart I was pulling, forming a wedge. Since I had forward momentum going, my foot pulled out of the sandal leaving it under the cart as I flew forward. Both of my knees were injured, and I had a nasty cut on my foot where my sandal dug into it.

The woman came over and asked if I was okay. I could tell I did not need an ambulance, and that once I got my bearings I could drive home. Her husband arrived on the scene, and if it wasn’t for him, I don’t know how I would have ever gotten up. That parking lot is very rough blacktop, and both my knees were scraped from sliding across it. I can no longer get up off a floor without getting on my knees, so he had me cross my arms and he pulled my dead weight up.

They had retrieved my shoe and returned my cart, and made sure I got in my car. All I wanted was to get home. On the way, I thought of how the woman had remarked her daughter had fallen in the parking lot and broke her leg. I was not only grateful that didn’t happen to me, but I realized I cannot afford to become incapacitated. Jim is relying on me during this time, and it is vital I take extra care in everything I do.

So today I thought about those parking lot angels when I was heading to my car. If they had not been there, I seriously don’t know what I would have done. I pray for them often, and hope someday I can pay it forward. 🩷

Owl

Today is the New Moon, a time each month I pull a medicine card to get a preview of what is coming. This time I pulled Owl, which stands for deception. When I read through the book* which gives many interpretations, I always look for the one that seems to make the most sense. Today it was the final paragraph I am going to note here. It goes well with some things I’ve been experiencing, and I want to keep this in my awareness.

If you pulled the Owl card, you are being asked to use your powers of keen, silent observation to intuit some life situation. Owl is befriending you and aiding you in seeing the total truth. Owl can bring you messages in the night through dreams or meditation. Pay attention to the signals and omens. The truth always brings further enlightenment.

* Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of Animals by Jamie Sams & David Carson, 1988.

My #1 Place

Today I visited a place I simply don’t go to enough: the meditation garden at FloridaSouthwestern College.

The weather was absolutely ideal for this adventure, and I was immediately moved to take a ton of pictures. I was particularly happy when the bench where I decided to sit had beautiful orchids nearby.

I had brought a small journal and had a plan for some nature writing, but something else totally overcame me. Here is what I wrote while I was there:

God I love this place.

When I’m here, I feel like I accomplished so much here on these grounds. Creative writing. Humanities. American Literature. Even science and math. The professors are unforgettable. The support I received: unparalleled. 

I was here the morning of 9/11/2001. I worked for Sony and they paid my tuition and books. I paved my way to further my education at Florida Gulf Coast University.

On these grounds is a performing arts center where I’ve seen numerous acts (Bob Dylan, Smokey Robinson, Gladys Knight, Vince Gill,  Jason Mraz, Tanya Tucker, and many more), as well as some great musicals — and not to mention the stage is where I received my first college diploma.

I met a good friend here when we were taking a professional certification test here. In fact, I took all my tests here when they were done with pencil and paper, only cost $25, and you had to wait several weeks for results.

The art gallery has had shows that blew me away, especially Jack Kerouc’s original typed version of On the Road.

I used to attend afternoon events with poets, journalists, and professors here with my friend Amy, who teaches for this college. It was the best use of my PTO from work!

This garden was not here when I attended, and it was called Edison Community College at that time. A statue of Thomas Edison is here, and most of the plants came from his estate.

Today I took a mad amount of pictures and when I sat on the bench I felt an unbelievable calm come over me — like I don’t get anywhere else. I think it is because nature, history, music, art, poetry, and education come together here for me like nowhere else on earth.

I couldn’t have landed in a better place during midlife in the year 2000. All my decisions and growth from that time on are rooted here. Some grew elsewhere, but this was the catalyst. For nearly 24 years. That is a whole hunk of my life!

Today it became clear: When I need to find myself, I must remember to look here. 

Crevices

This is going to be one of those “Helen is thinking out loud” pieces,

As it is now April and the gaps that my students have start to reveal themselves

In full. This time I’m not just thinking of them as gaps, but crevices they fall into

And it takes me a while to figure out that is where they are….in the darkness.

It started when I gave my Global Perspectives kids a tracker for our major

Project, one that they were to highlight each step as they finished it, and it

Would provide the next step. It is online, so the idea was I could look any time

And see where they were. But what I found instead was two things:

Barely anyone was using it, and I kept getting asked what to do next.

I cannot say how many times I replied: What does your tracker say?

I cannot say how many times I begged them to follow the tracker.

Most of the time, I had to remind them where it is on Google Classroom.

To be clear, I’ve used these kinds of trackers before with great success.

What is different now? I have no idea.

With my intensive reading students, I’ve dutifully followed the iReady

Curriculum, adjusting as I saw fit, but in general trying to find the best in it.

It wasn’t until the district gave us “drill down” lessons from the ELA curriculum

That I discovered something I had not seen to this point: The kids are having

Problems answering the standardized test style questions correctly, and

If you give them the answer and ask them to tell you how they can determine

The answer is right, only a few can choose words and phrases that support.

The big emphasis in reading and ELA and other disciplines are teaching 

“The standards.” We are supposed to point to the standard on the board,

Refer to the standard over and over…but as I knew long ago when we tried

This, and I know now again, telling the kids about the standards doesn’t really

Teach them a thing. Instead it teaches them to tune out. It’s worthless information.

Reading and ELA are skills-based classes, not content based. Everything we do

Is just about answering standardized test questions, something we used to avoid

Doing until well into the school year. But now it begins Day One.

Back in the day, we had a saying that the three Rs of education were

Relevance, Relationships, and Rigor. Although I am not a fan of the word

Rigor (too much like rigor mortis), I do believe RELEVANCE has to come first.

The curriculum is boring and does not engage them, the activities are dull and

Sometimes indecipherable…it goes on and on.

And that is where the curriculum is lacking. We are all just walking a barren

Terrain and every once in a while a kids falls into the crevice and they don’t even 

Know what to do to get themselves out of it. They don’t have the skill, somehow.

And very often, they just don’t bother to ask for help, or even accept it when given.

This came to light this past week. My GP students completed their research and a

Planning sheet, and now they are supposed to be putting together their presentations.

It wasn’t until this week I discovered that some didn’t understand what to put in 

The presentation. I’d say, What did you put on your planning sheet?

(Of course, the tracker TELLS them to use their plan to create their presentation,

But since they aren’t using it, they don’t know.)  They keep asking questions like,

How many slides do I need? (My response: I don’t know. How many do you need

To tell the story of your research findings?) They ask How long should it be?

Same answer. How long will it take? I remind them again that they are speaking

To their peers, that they need to make the information digestible, keep it in their

Own words. They were to take Cornell Notes on their sources, and the purpose

Was to help them get to that point. But many did not even know to refer back 

To their notes to make the presentation happen. I still find it hard to understand

This disconnect. It isn’t like it isn’t on the tracker, hasn’t been reintroduced

Repeatedly in class, and isn’t on the FAQ page I made to help them look for 

Answers to common questions.Too many of them simply do not know how to connect things, 

Or even how to use provided resources. Everything has to be spelled out and

Walked through for them, or it may not get done.

(I will give a shout-out here to the few kids in each class that CAN do these things.

But it is far too few.)

Then it hit me…and I’ve been guilty of this as well. Very often, teachers create

A skeleton slideshow for presentations and tell the kids what to put on each slide.

Apparently, this cohort of 7th graders don’t know any other way to approach it.

Again, some were hiding in the dark, not telling me they didn’t know how to start,

And wasting precious class time sitting there “trying to figure it out,” which

Is clearly a gap with this generation — the idea if they stare at something long

Enough, they will figure it out. That’s what they’ve done with video games all

Their lives, so they do not believe in relying on any kind of instruction, verbal

Or written. They would rather tune out and see if they can pull it together.

Of course, it’s also not lost on me that most of these kids are unenthusiastic

About the whole project, even though they were encouraged to choose a research

Question they’d be interested in. But I find too many of them, after weeks of work,

Cannot even tell me their research question.

How did we get here? I have no freakin’ idea.

But I will say here what I say to teacher friends and even ones that work at the district.

Our curriculum is failing our kids. I was not taught to teach they way I’ve been

Cajoled into, and once again, I see some successes, but way too many failures 

With the way things are.

So once again, I have arrived to the place I always arrive, and more alarmed than

Ever about the ways things have degenerated. This happens every damn year!

I am going to get the main things done in the next couple weeks, and then I’m going

To do it my way. I hope to write here with happier news when I do. I am getting close

To retirement, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let these kids keep falling in the crevices!

We will walk the terrain together, I will help them avoid the holes, but honestly

Teaching the skills now that they don’t seem to have is a tall order.

All I can do is what I can do.

Glorious Spirit (nonet)

 Today’s inspiration is this photo from my friend Kara Vereen.

Lay down on this fluffy bed of clouds

The sun striking a glowing pose

Evening brings its gifts to us

Resting into this calm

We look to the sky

Through our own hearts

Glorious

Spirit

Soars

Grabbing Inspiration

 This morning before going to work, I looked for writing inspiration, and didn't find much.

I decided the day must be going to provide, so I went to work with that intention. And I was not disappointed.

It was state writing test day, and I had a wonderful group of fifteen, mostly kids I know. Once I completed the seating chart and made some rounds, I decided I wanted to get something written. But what?

It was 11:11 a.m. when it hit me -- I could write about these kids. Use acrostic style. It kept me busy the rest of the time. I thought I'd just write a few, but I ended up writing one for each kid. These are far from masterpieces, but it captures an hour or so of my day. I'm happy with that.

GRACE

Grabbing her pencil

Recording, noting, thinking on paper

Able to process and produce

Caring about getting it right

Ever dynamic, ever Grace.

 

ANNIE

Annie sits cross-legged

Not really into this

Not that it is difficult for her

In fact, maybe too

Easy. She doesn't let it show.

 

KYLER

Kneading his eyelashes,

Yellow paper full of notes

Leaning in, Kyler

Endures in this setting

Rended away from all distraction 

DYLAN

Does he have the sweetest smile?

Yes, Dylan does. A kind nature

Layered with effort and follow-through

Always giving 100% to it all

Never giving up.

AVA

A totally different person here, not the

Version I see in class, Ava

Answers the required call. Nice to see.

ASHLEY

Although I don't really know her

She seems like a good person

Hood on as she takes pieces and

Links her essay together.

Evidently she is someone

You are glad to have around.

JA'ROD

Ja'Rod in the very back of the room

Arranged himself behind a divider

Revealing a good effort to succeed

Often divisive, but not today as he

Demands the best of himself.

 

SHELBY

She cracks us all up

Her knowledge and statements

Ever succinct, to the point

Likable in that quirky, nerdy way

Better alone, but not lonely, Shelby is

Your typical I-know-who-I-am-get-over-it soul.

 

MARY

Maybe she would rather be singing

Arrests us all with her voice, Mary

Rides on a wave of artistry

Young, free, and beautiful.

 

EVELYNNE

Embracing, engaging

Very focused

Evelynne cares

Locks in

Yields to

No one, 

Not afraid to 

Enter the zone

JOSUE

Josue, what can I say?

One cool dude

Soccer player extraordinaire

Unsung hero

Everyone is a fan.

BRIDGET

Best when she can

Read and sit quietly.

I admire her focus and 

Determination to be in her

Generous space. Bridget

Engages when ready,

Taps in to the necessary.

 

EMMERSON

Emmerson shines

Modern girl

Model pretty

Eager to please

Respectful, caring

Strong, friendly

One bright star in a

Night sky 

JASMINE

Just a girl

Amid the others

Simply does what is

Most required

I don't really know Jasmine

Not that it is an issue!

Each of us just doing our job today.

CAMILLE

Comes from Brazil

American as heck

Maybe Camille

Illustrates we are who we are most

Likely to be -- it works for her!

Little lazy perhaps... but 

Ever lilting, lovely, and likeable.

Remember

 Super busy day ahead.

Today’s inspiration is from David Whyte. The poem is called “The Poet as Husband.”  The lines are:

Remember

I was here, and you were here

And together we made a world

I’m just absorbing that.

Fall 1982

Repetition

My friend Kara posted this poem today. After confronting a couple of issues yesterday, the ending in particular spoke to me.

The word REPETITION demanded its own poem.

Reminded again

Everything repeats

Patience is needed

Easy answers? Ha!

That is a fantasy.

I confront the same

Time and time again.

Illness speaks in circles

On its own behalf.

Now—I listen…and learn.

Ringing

Today’s inspiration comes from chapter 2 of Jean Shinoda Bolen’s book Close to the Bone. The chapter title is “The Ground Gives Way Under Us.” Then I read Nick Flynn’s poem “Marathon,” and I was struck by these words and decided they deserved a spine poem, simply to process what I have been reading and thinking.

…until this cloud is pulled back from the sky, until the ringing is pulled back from the bell…

until the gate opened signaling 

this new reality, I was a

cloud of uncertainty. It

is worth noting I had recurring doubts

pulled from I-don’t-know-where, coming

back to a rhythm of underlying worry

from fear of loss and 

the loss of fearlessness. The

sky is where I’d look and breathe

until I could see with clarity

the constant shifts, and hear the

ringing of the birds voices, and know this

is joy and a reminder to me,

pulled from inner knowing

back to a place of freedom

from loss and fear,

the yet unknown possibilities in reach, the

bell of joy here in my heart.