Intuition

 Way back in 2003, a friend gave me a dystopian novel called Just a Couple of Days. This book has been on my shelf all these years and I finally read it over this past month.

The book held my attention, although I actually wouldn’t recommend it. But last night while I was reading, something jumped out at me and it made me wonder… How is it we find what we need at the exact moment we probably need it?

It was this quote on page 329:

Faith is the genuine trust in intuition.

This year I have thought a great deal about faith and trust, but I haven’t thought a lot about intuition. But isn’t that what’s always happening?

Yesterday was a great example. Right before I went to church, I was having trouble with my printer. I looked up how to fix it according to the error code I was getting, and decided that I would figure it out when I got home from church. There appeared to be several steps that were unnerving me. This caused me anxiety. Right now I don’t need anything going wrong, even an error code on my printer. I would just like to get through a day without having to handle some kind of a crazy thing.

So it was on my mind while I was at church, and I found myself praying for an answer. I’m not sure why it had me so upset, but it did and I was trying very hard to hold it together.

Near the end of the service, I heard a little voice tell me that when I get home do research again and go from there. I realized that the information I had was from 2019, and I thought well, I’ll look and see if there’s anything more recent. Well, there was and it fixed the problem pronto with a couple easy steps. Where is my faith? My trust? Am I selling myself short?

Were my prayers answered in church? Or was it my intuition?

Are they the same thing?

Don’t Know

 I haven’t written in a couple of days because my mind is whirring. One day I think I know the direction, the next I see different possibilities. Nothing is defined and so many questions people can’t answer.

I want to do what is best for Jim, but it feels impossible to know what that is. 

This just came across my FB feed and I related 100%. I’ve been doing this…and once again, I know that I will know the right decision when it is time to know. Back to that word…TRUST.  

Be Fearless

 

So easy to fall into wishing things will be a certain way

Or being afraid of the “next bad news”

Today I commit to FEARLESSNESS

BE FEARLESS in loving

BE FEARLESS in taking care of myself

BE FEARLESS in writing and art

BE FEARLESS in trusting

BE FEARLESS in finances and safety

BE FEARLESS in physical therapy

BE FEARLESS in decision making 

BE FEARLESS in accepting things exactly as they are

Fragility

My friend Kara gave me a book that is helping me with the emotional state I’m in. It’s part self-help, part humor, part coloring book. It’s full of great reminders for me.

Today I was reading along and came to a page about dandelions. The author, Jenny Lawson, explains how she always thought she was a dandelion, and certainly this resonates from me. Back in my National Writing Project days we had a saying: Don’t be afraid of the lawnmower. We even got dandelion shirts.

Lawson describes the dandelion process, how just when it is given up for dead “it explodes into an elaborate globe of spiderweb seedlings so fragile that a wind or a wish sends it to pieces.”

She continues:

But the falling apart isn’t the end.

It depends on the falling apart.

Its fragility lets it be carried to new places, to paint more gold in the cracks.

I always thought I’d like to be a dandelion.

But I think, in a way, I already am.

I feel each day I’m facing my fragility anew. Every day there seems to be a new level of falling apart. I rated my mood today as “okay” and said I felt sad, fatigued, grieving, and powerless.

Yup. Fragile.

I woke with the intention of setting small goals and reaching them. I allowed myself to lie in bed yesterday afternoon, watching television, reading, and napping. Taking care of myself is a necessity, not a  privilege.

I want to start feeling the falling apart as a more positive experience than I have been thinking it is. There have been so many adjustments this week, and there will be many more coming. My friend Annmarie said the other day that maybe being strong isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. (Not a direct quote!) Perhaps I’m forcing strength in an unnatural way for this situation. 

Maybe I just need to trust the process of the dandelion. Let myself have bright yellow moments, break through the cracks moments, blow it all away to a new life moments. 

I’ve had a lot of each this past week, now that I think about it. It’s easy to remember the frustrations, but it’s okay to remember there were good moments, too.

And I’m reminded of a song by the Rolling Stones:

Dandelion don’t tell no lies

Dandelion will make you wise

Tell me if she laughs or cries

Blow away, dandelion

[Fun fact: Keith Richards has a daughter named Dandelion.]

Are We There Yet?

 

This about says it all.

What a trying week in so many ways. 

I am grateful that yesterday Jim finally seemed to be coming out of his slump.

So much to handle every single day.

I am tired to the core. 

I am falling back on TRUST,

But that doesn’t take the deep exhaustion away.

It is to the point I have got to get my physical needs in priority.

This is not sustainable.

But then I remember, I’m essentially a caretaker.

I have to keep on keeping on…

TRUST

 

TRUST

When the world feels like it’s aflame

Move forward into the unknown and

TRUST

There is a plan

And it works

And it’s beneficial to all concerned

No need to look ahead

With what-ifs

Just

TRUST

It calms the spirit

The word alone

Takes it all down a notch

I saw evidence yesterday

This works

Just

TRUST

Joy Rushed in

Journal entry 8.8.24

Accept this cup that is offered every second. —Rumi

Yesterday—whew

Saying goodbye to Scott and Braydon was an occasion for lots of tears.

Then my counseling session.

Then to Ambassador where Jim’s blood oxygen was still low.

Then talking with my substitute John about curriculum, and setting some things up for him.

Exhausting. I needed a nap.

But instead I went back to Ambassador. I saw the doc. She saw Jim and ordered some tests.

My stomach began to hurt.

I had not been taking care of myself, or listening to the signals.

Jim said, GO HOME.

I did that. I rested. I got a phone call from someone I really needed to talk to.

That was a turning point.

Suddenly I felt much better.

I watched Kamala and Tim from the Wisconsin rally.

This political season will forever be wrapped up with this crazy summer of heaps of health issues.

I talk about joy a lot here, but lately it felt like something elusive and out of reach.

Yesterday, I decided just to cherish the day.

And then joy rushed in.

Suddenly everything just felt okay. I can’t even explain it.

This quote says it all:

There’s a word I have forgotten.

TRUST.

I can see so much of my angst was relating to not trusting.

So…I understand the assignment.

Try again!

Value, Rightness, and Truth

 

Today in my reading, I came across this quote from Trappist Monk Thomas Merton:

Do not depend on the hope of results...You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, and truth of the work itself.

This brought to mind immediately what happened at our school this week. I will begin with a conversation I had with a student named Charli.

 

Charli is in my intensive reading class and has been the hardest worker consistently all year. She put in tons of extra time on her iReady pathway, pushing herself to "low 8" status, which is great for a 7th grader. Right where she should be.

But Charli did not score proficient on the exam. She came in at a level 2 again. I could tell the promise of results had hurt her. She had been given false information: Do THIS and it will equal THAT.

To add insult to injury, there were other learners in that class who did score proficient, who did not do as well on assignments or put in the time on iReady. Yes, it can be puzzling. But only if you think standardized tests -- especially adaptive ones -- are true evidence. I have been savvy enough all along to know this is not necessarily true.

I explained to her that it could be, because the test is adaptive, she answered something wrong and it dipped her pathway. I don't actually KNOW, but I do know that is possible. Now I've heard there is a way for them to see exactly their ups and downs on the adaptation, but I haven't had a chance to talk to her about that yet, or figure out where to find it.

Since the kids are able to access their test scores very shortly after they are done testing, this has created a situation where the rest of the day they are asking each other about their test scores. This is fine for those who did well. But for those who didn't do as they hoped or expected, it is devastating.

This is doing nothing to help the mental health crisis we face, let me tell you.

What I want Charli to know is that her efforts were good for HER, even if it didn't result in the score she had hoped to attain. When I read the Merton quote, I thought about the value and the rightness and the truth in doing consistently good work with effort and persistence. It is devastating to think we are teaching these kids there is only one result that matters. The true results show up in the rest of their lives!

I recall when I taught Advanced Placement Literature. We would read books and poetry and discuss and present and write papers and try to improve those papers. There was a learning process involved. Students in the class could get an A and still not "pass" the AP exam [there is actually no pass score...just scores that can give you college credit and some that don't.]  Even if they didn't get but a 1 or 2 on the AP exam, they worked the process, they learned, they tried, they took risks. 

 

But at the time, someone out in the know-it-all world was screeching that their grade in the course should equal their score. I thought it was the most asinine thing I ever heard. How can the learning process equal the end score?As an educator, it makes no sense to me. What was the course for if not to learn how to read deeply and communicate ideas and write more fluently? If they already knew those things, why would they need the course? It's like saying athletes should excel perfectly in practice or they don't deserve to win the game. What?

 

In my reading I also noted this from Parker Palmer:

 

Once one has eyes to see it, wholeness can always be found, hidden beneath the broken surface of things.

 

So my message to Charli is to turn her focus to wholeness of learning. There are many things broken in our education system, and I've long felt standardized tests are part of that brokenness. Don't get stuck below the surface where the cracks are. Stay the course of the value of what you are learning, the rightness of what it can bring to the world, and the truth of who you are as a human. Those are the things that matter. Those are the things we must elevate. Those are the things we can trust.

Alchemy

 Inspired by these words from Rumi’s poem “Undressing”:

Learn the alchemy true human beings

know: the moment you accept what

troubles you’ve been given, the door

will open.

Amid the every day

Love nestles in

Claiming a primary place

Heralding my heart to trust

Even when difficulty arises

My mind returns to oneness

“Yes” is the answer to everything 

40. Meeting

 From one of my teammates, I learned of a meeting where certain personnel reduced another teacher to tears for her contribution that just wasn't in line with what they wanted.

Not that they've been clear on what they wanted, beyond the documents sent to us that we followed to the TEE.

But now we were told we weren't supposed to.

My teammate and I are on the same page, however. We saw the value in what we did, how this helped our young people progress. We are proud of our work, and wouldn't change a thing.

It is so exhausting to keep having people from the outside tell us how to do things, then tell us we did them wrong. They are not in front of our students all day.

Why can't we get the teeniest bit of respect and trust? Why is that so much to ask? Especially when we are teachers who are willing to STAY and do the work?

 

37. Insurmountable

#66Challenge

On February 17, right at the end of my planning period, I spontaneously decided to make a trip to the office to check my mailbox and turn a couple things in.

I never do this, make a trip up there so close to class change. But I felt directed.

And that is when I saw a young science teacher, and in that moment I recalled a student telling me that she had been out of school because her students had done such mean things to her, she could not even show up.

I reached out. Talked with her (I don't really know here at all.) Told her of my own struggles this year, how I, too, had to remove myself for a while in order just to get my mind back in shape. It was good to connect, even for less than five minutes. What they had done to this teacher was beyond reprehensible.

She was waiting to speak to the principal about the situation. And since I understand a few things have been put into place to help her bridge this time.

But will she last? Will we lose another good teacher because of mean and feral young people? 

How the hell did we get to this point? Our culture has lost so much decency, it is beyond belief.

Most of all, what can we do? It feels insurmountable at times.

30. The Web of Trust

 #66Challenge

 

 

Last week, in preparation for a story we will be reading, I had the kids sign up to define and write sentences for 2 out of the 12 words that will be in the story. Usually we just do them together as a class, but instead I made this a mission with "mission commanders" for each set of words. They had 8 minutes to get their definitions and sample sentences together.

The next step was a treasure hunt. They needed to take their workshop books and go to other learners and get the words they did not have. I figured this would be a good way to let them walk around, talk, have a bit more engagement.

And it worked...mostly.

During 3rd period, a learner had just finished gathering a couple of words, and he looked up at me and said, "Miss, I hate this."  

 I said, "You aren't enjoying the activity?" 

And he said, "No, I kind of love it. I have a love/hate relationship with it."

During 5th period, an exasperated girl looked at me and said, "I'm tired of these kids."

9th went fine. There was one boy who is new to the class who would not participate. He indicated he didn't like the kids in the class.

But it was 11th that really caught my attention. When it came time to go on the treasure hunt, the response was not immediate. Learners were looking all the words up themselves rather than go to another table and retrieve the definitions. Others, who wanted to do it, were reluctant to approach certain people for the answers. It was totally hit or miss -- some kids participating fully, some kids on the edge, and some kids just doing all the work themselves. 

I was not happy at all with what I witnessed, even as understood some of the dynamics at play.

Over the weekend, Parker Palmer (the author of The Courage to Teach) sent out a list of podcasts he was recently on. I found one on "Relational Trust" and listened. The host was Nat Damon, and educator who has a book called Time to Teacher, Time to Reach, and he has a podcast called "Reach, Teach, Talk."  The discussion they had helped me see that there is a gap in relational trust in the classroom. I am aware of some of the reasons for this, but I have also done little to repair it. I feel like I just recently got a handle on how to teach the curriculum in a way that works for all, so the relationship building has gotten short shrift.  

The classroom is a delicate web, and I am actively looking for ways to help it be stronger for the benefit of all. I know I cannot repair a lot of the issues middle-schoolers have with each other...that just goes with the territory. But I think there may be a few small fixes that will help.

I've ordered Damon's book, and will take it from there. Meanwhile, I'm going to continue to implement some of my most engaging practices and do my best to enjoy each day. My learners deserve no less.