A Sudden Calm

I’ve been feeling a bit more off balance than I’d like, and doing everything I can to get a grip. It comes and goes and I’m wishing I felt more solid.

Taking time to be with friends these last few days has been good, but I’m still feeling some anxiety.

After I wrote my blog yesterday, I was reading other things and it all started to get to me.

Then I read Matthew Dicks’ blog which is emailed to me every day. You may recognize the name—he’s the storyteller who created Homework for Life, a practice I continue.

Anyway, his blog was about meeting a friend in despair over the state of our world, and he talked to his friend, sharing the difficulties of the past—concentration camps in Germany, the draft during the Vietnam War, the economic issues of the 1970s — and he assured his friend that we all come out of these things by taking small steps. He ended the blog saying “In every small way, find a way,” and with this image:

I felt an immediate calm.

I’ve never seen this image before, but yesterday I never needed something as much as it. All I could do was stare at it. I didn’t even want to think about the meaning.

But today I did write about it in my journal:

I look at this truncated tree, and the instrument that did the damage. I feel it is my life that got cut down—my teaching life and my married life. And I’ve always known and felt there would be new directions for me, things I can’t imagine right now. So I see this so perfectly rendered and it moves me deeply. It removes anxiety. It’s factual.

This happened. 

And is still happening

In every small way, find a way.

Pic Collage 1985-87

 

COMMITMENT

This is one of my favorite pictures of us. In April 1985, Jim and his boss had a business trip to Miami, and I was invited along. (So was the boss’s mistress Kim, who lived in D.C.) We stayed at Turnberry Isle resort, a place for the rich and famous. It was an extended weekend and we had a blast. While the guys were doing business, Kim and I went to the spa where Gloria Vanderbilt and her entourage happened to be. We golfed at their exclusive club. In the evenings we did things like the fancy dinners, dog races, a ride through South Beach, which was just starting to be revitalized, and a trip to Joe’s Stone Crab. This photo was taken on our last night there. We had been together three years at this point, and were fully committed to our love.

GROWTH

This photo was taken a short time before we got married on August 15, 1986. The Cuyahoga River runs through downtown Cleveland, and the area behind Jim is called The Flats. This area was just beginning to be revitalized into an entertainment location, old factories turned into bars and nightclubs and restaurants. It was a time of growth for Cleveland, and in our relationship.

FREEDOM

In July 1987, we went to Atlanta for Jim’s sister’s wedding on a Friday evening. Both she and her new husband owned boats, which were docked on Lake Lenoir. Family members were invited to use the boats the next day, where we sailed around, stopped at an island for a picnic, and in general had a blast. I felt this picture of Jim represents the free feeling of being on the water, no obligations, just having a good time.

In Gratitude

 To be fully human

 is to face the darkness, 

which is inevitable, 

with a flashlight 

dispelling it quickly.

And if you don’t have a flashlight, 

strike a match. 

It works the same.

Darkness gives way to light. 

It’s the nature of things.

Why fight it?

Turn your face toward the light.

Being fully human means 

standing where you are 

in gratitude.

Miracles at Hand

 It’s now a week Jim has been in the hospital. I’m maintaining pretty well, although I really would prefer he was home. What I want to do this morning is focus on the miracles around me.

The miracle of medicine and healing that many have dedicated their lives to expand with compassionate hearts and minds. I’ve met so many who are full of cheer and understanding, and I am grateful.

The miracle of information. We see reports shortly after tests and this information helps us see the picture more clearly.

The miracle of my friends who reach out. I’m too crazed right now to make a phone call, but this who have called me I found to be lifesavers. Thank you.

The miracle of those who are stepping in to be with my students while I can’t be there. I know the sacrifice, and I’ll never be able to repay them.

The miracle of a musical theater production to take me away from my current challenges. Hadestown provided a moving experience as well as a message I am using daily: Never doubt.

The miracle of experience with difficulties. In June 1993, when Jim was facing a rough back surgery and the future looked shaky, I called to the Holy Spirit for help. I heard and wrote down these words, which I carry in my heart and call on when I need them:

Do not be afraid

Everything will be alright

Do not spend one more minute of worry

Did you ever think you’d be left without a way?

You’ll know what to do and when to do it

Do not be afraid

Everything will be alright

I recorded this in my journal today and then spontaneously wrote:

I will continue to listen for guidance from the One who knows what I need most. I vow to continue to look for everyday miracles because in my best days, I know that is the entire purpose of our being here. 

I won’t throw away my miracle.

Spectacular (7 Lines/7 Days #102)

 #108Weeks

April 24-30, 2022

I am keeping up on my reading goals.

I am moving forward on my surging ideas.

I am happily busy and creatively playful.

I am impressed by my learners' growth.

I can see their changes -- at the beginning of the year they didn't even know how to be students. Now they are striving & thriving.

I can feel their involvement.

I can make the last 23 days together spectacular!

Between the Branches

 [Note: Sunday morning I arrived at Six Mile Cypress Slough, read David Whyte’s poem “The Thicket,” walked and meditated and took photos, wrote this, and then added quotes from Whyte’s poem in italics.]

I took my meditation to the slough…

free and observant

Contemplated the nature of all things being evolutionary and revolutionary…

surveying the tiny stages and the curtained dramas

Such as the Spanish moss hanging from tree branches…

 every further stage of vision leading me back to smaller and smaller worlds

The Pilated Woodpecker busy on his branch, finding breakfast, preening himself…

Always two realities…action or non-action.

never leave the branching world...a kind of enclosed womb-like eternity

What changes things?

Ideas. Curiosity. Faith.

The trees are both able to be touched and observed in a watery mirror.

Is the reflection telling the truth? 

searching between the branches... the knowledge of some immanence

When it was time to leave, the sun in the Cypress pond lit the way…

 

brought clarity to silence, set me to grow

Heart lifted. Exhilarated. A quiet mind.

Taking all the necessary actions

To meet the revolution.

Quotes That Keep Me Going (7 Lines/7 Days #86)

#108Weeks

January 3-8, 2022

From Kara Vereen

Will you lose your balance?

Will you stumble and fall?

Don't give up

You have a reason to carry on

Lucinda Williams

 

 

Literacy is power.

Kylene Beers

 

 

One energy connects us all,

linking us soul to soul and heart to heart

Julia Cameron

 

 

All I've got to do is to love you

All I have to be is be happy

All it's got to take is some warmth to make it

Blow away, blow away, blow away

George Harrison 

 

 

I am alert to the good in every moment.

Julia Cameron

 

 

You can't just love your country when you win.

Joe Biden 

Beneath the turbulence of daily living, there is a longer, slower pulse of perfect timing

It is to that rhythm I give my soul.

Julia Cameron

 

Love & Faith & Joy (7 Lines/7 Days #84)

 #108Weeks

December 19-25, 2021

I've been revising my reading goals for 2022, and liking the direction.

I came face-to-face with the fact that I need a major mental adjustment.

Atomic Habits by James Clear is helping me make small changes to get my physical strength back in a manageable way.

On Solstice Day I wrote this: I commit more fully to the life I know I can live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy.  I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all -- every ugly and beautiful moment, encounter, and feeling -- as TEACHER.

I must continue to look at each moment with love and faith and joy. I'm calling it WILD JOY.

Progress, not perfection.

Have faith and be the change!

Thinking Out Loud on an Auspicious Solstice Morning

 Written 12-21-21

I am finding inspiration and motivation from every direction.

A few days ago I realized I was ready to move on from the place I've been, which has been rather stuck. I knew this was coming, but I did not have a vision.

Today the vision began to form.

First, with Atomic Habits by James Clear. I'm thinking What kind of person do I want to be? And What habits will get me there?

This motivated me to get on my exercise bike, and I put on a podcast from Michael Meade called "The Cultivated Heart: In Loving Memory of Robert Bly."  I have met both of these men before, and Robert passed a month ago today.  In the podcast, Michael focused a lot on writings Robert did for a poetry anthology they worked on together called The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. It has always been one of my favorite collections.

What was helpful to me is that the topic of cultivating our hearts caused Michael to focus on a few specific poems, two of which really spoke to me.

 

I think I will also take a moment to mention why I knew I was stuck, even as I knew it was time to move on. First, I had a meeting with some friends where I found myself blaming a lot of others for things I'm encountering. This left me emotionally reeling for at least 12 hours, and was not a pleasant experience.

Second, I met a friend for lunch and a Broadway show, only to find myself surprised that she brought me Christmas presents. Why I was surprised baffled me. We always exchange gifts. How is it that I have not even given it ONE thought these last few weeks when I knew we had this event coming up?  My only answer is that I have become ridiculously insular and selfishly focused that even things that should be evident go right past me. Not a good feeling. I blamed myself deeply for the neglect of this important exchange.

Another thing I encountered recently that brought me up short was revisiting other blog posts from Decembers of previous years. It is there I found something I wrote on December 9, 2017 called "On Questions and Contradictions." In this post I discovered that much of what I keep complaining about now are the exact same things that were happening then. Have I not even figured out how to do better?

In the blog, I referred to the poem "The Sunflowers" by Mary Oliver, in which she suggests we ask sunflowers questions:

Come with me
to visit the sunflowers,
they are shy
but want to be friends;
they have wonderful stories
of when they were young –
the important weather,
the wandering crows.
Don’t be afraid
to ask them questions!
Their bright faces,
which follow the sun,
will listen, and all
those rows of seeds –
each one a new life!

I then proceeded to ask myself a lot of questions, many I still have today. Things like...How do I get through to my students? Why do I go through this every year? What will make real change? 

And most importantly, Why can't I be you, Sunflower?

Coming upon this blog post was unforgettable in this current quest.  Leave it to Michael Meade to pick up the pieces for me when he read this poem:

This poem connected everything together -- all my tears, my grief, my vulnerability, my blaming of others, and a good comeuppance on how wrong my view can be. This is about seeds being cultivated. It has been too easy to tighten up and not let that seed explode into something wonderful. After all, everything real in life is about breaking open to the moment. Without it, there is no creativity, no innovation.

Michael goes on to explain:

[We must live] with immediacy of the soul, that rare sense that the next moment can break open. And that we must...marry it, step into it, and become ourselves in that moment of opening and awaking. If we fail to do that we have not fully participated in the world.

It is obvious I have to do that which is really difficult for me -- truly open up, live more fully, love more actively. I have been saying this for years, and I think I'm doing it, but recent events have found my fault lines. And recent events have also taught me I have no time to waste. I look ahead and I see an end line. This is a new feeling, and one I must reckon with.

But Michael wasn't done. Then he introduced this poem, which gave me further marching orders!

To Be a Slave of Intensity (Kabir, trans. by Robert Bly)

Friend, hope for the guest while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think...and think...while you are alive.
What you call 'salvation' belongs to the time before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,
do you think
ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic
Just because the body is rotten -
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
you will simply end up with an apartment in the City of Death.
If you make love with the divine now, in the next life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!

Kabir says this: When the guest is being searched for, it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest that does all the work.
Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity. 

JUMP INTO EXPERIENCE WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE.

BREAK THE ROPES.

I simply LOVE that! 

"So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is, Believe in the Great Sound"

Welcome it all--joy and sorrow. Don't ignore any of it. ENGAGE!

So the answer to Why can't I be you, Sunflower?

is

I AM. I just don't activate it.

*

I'm not quite done, even though that seems like quite a lot.

For the first time in a long time I pulled a Rune stone. And the word was perfect, of course: FAITH.

This is already a word I have embraced during the journey over these past few months. I discovered it when I did the 33 Question Cards to find my word. When the Rune divination said the same, well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

And I still needed these words:

Faith encourages us to believe that we can make a difference -- in ourselves and in the world.

And so, on this auspicious solstice day of 12-21-21, I commit more fully to the life I know I need to live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy. I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all--every ugly or beautiful moment, encounter, or feeling-- as TEACHER.

I needed to identify the turning point, and this has been it.

11:05 am  12/21/2021

 

Begin Again (7 Lines/7 Days #82)

 #108Weeks

December 5-11, 2021

 

 

I have not even thought about Christmas, and haven't even gotten my music out, let alone any decorations.

On Monday, feeling positive and strong.

On Tuesday, trying to recover from all the Monday irritations.

On Wednesday, trying to recover from a fight in my classroom.

On Thursday, I was feeling sad and edgy.

On Friday, I reflected on an unexpected conversation with my 3rd period.

On Saturday, I knew I had made it through and all is well in my world.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, who reminded me to just "begin again."

23. Salvation

 #66Challenge

Written December 10, 2021

Inspired by Lynn Ungar's poem "Salvation."

 

Do you believe me when I say

you are neither salvaged nor saved,

but salved, anointed by gentle hands

where you are most tender?

I actually was salved

yesterday

when I realized the obstacle

was the path.

 

When I really "got" that

what was happening

was the answer

 

When I witnessed another adult

say what I've been saying

and getting no result.

 

We are in whole new

territory here.

 

If we don't listen, we'll remain lost.

22. Power of Spirit

 Written during Write Around the Corner meeting 12/4/2021

The opening lines of "Eagle Poem" by Joy Harjo inspired this piece.

To pray you open your whole self

To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon

To one whole voice that is you

And know there is more

That you can't see, can't hear;

Can't know except in moments

Doesn't that just say it all?

How far I've come by opening myself up

Rather than closing myself off.

How perfectly ironic that

the day I saw the two eagles

was within the same day my journey --

this part of the journey--

began.

These two eagles were not circling in blue sky

or flying over a river.

There were calmly sitting on the roof next door,

looking around, for quite a while,

as I prepared some things in the kitchen.

Little did I know they were the 

harbingers of what was to come:

The Power of Spirit saying

look. listen. see.

21. Pregnant

 #66Challenge

 

I had a dream I was walking along, then I sat down. A doctor (female, Indian) approached me and told me I was pregnant.

I knew it was the truth.

And I was happy. Ageless.

Nothing else involved, and no one else.

All I can think now is that I'm pregnant with the possibility of birthing something new in my classroom, somehow pulling together to grow and learn and thrive.

I'm pregnant with ideas on how to let the kids do the productive struggle instead of me constantly struggling against them. Breathing into, rather than holding my breath.

It will be much like those midnight feedings and even colicky babies you have to drive around in the car to soothe and get quiet calm. In other words, it will be rocky for a while, I am sure.

I am slowly giving birth to what I already know...and what I don't.

This is a sacred time for me, and I need to keep my mind on

love

wisdom

caring

listening

lifting

and recognizing the 

moments of 

brilliance.

 

Productive Brilliance (7 Lines/7 Days #81)

 #108Weeks

November 28-December 4, 2021

Orchid Bee photo by Kara Vereen. 2021

I dreamt of crystals again -- this time they were buried in sand

This week was a new beginning

I'm doing well keeping loving attention

I started privately giving "orchid bee" recognition to learners showing "productive brilliance"

My bottom line: I am a reading teacher who will stick with what she believes no matter the horrible curriculum sent her way

I realized (from journal entries) that the day I saw the two eagles on the roof was the beginning of this part of my journey -- it was October 5th, the day of my first meltdown

Friday tried my patience, but my goals for the week were met, so I am happy

19. Vienna Waits for Me

 #66Challenge

(Journal entry November 25, 2021)

"Vienna" by Billy Joel

I thought about this song the other day while driving and thought it would be good to revisit. 

 I recall the line that always struck me was:

 

You know that when the truth is told

you can get what you want or you can just get old

Here I am -- OLD--and coming face to face with the fact that I may not have fully gotten what I want.

 

In 2005, coming off my first year of teaching, taking grad school courses, an ESOL course, and a four-week National Writing Project Summer Intensive, I was stressed and stretched in a way like no other. So much so, I didn't even realize how stressed I was. For some reason during that time, I kept playing "Vienna," until eventually I ended up in the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. When asked in the emergency room if I had been under stress, I said NO. Since I was finally a teacher and doing the things I had dreamed of doing, I could not even understand that I was under stress because, well, I wanted these things.

 

Slow down, you crazy child

 

I spent a couple days in the hospital, in a windowless room I likened to a cave. There I cried and slept, cried and slept. I had to let my misery in, admit that I had taken on a lot and had not even processed my first year of teaching, which was beyond crazy given the place I worked. It was an intense lesson, but one that stays with me.

 

***

 

The true meaning of "Vienna" had always eluded me a bit, so I was happy to find a video conversation with Billy Joel, made in 2020, where he explained what Vienna meant to him. Among the things on the video (which I will post at the end) he says going to Vienna for him was closing a circle.

Going to Vienna means to slow down, look around you, and have some gratitude for the good things in your life.

There's always talent, there's always virtuosity, there's always genius, and it's there and will occur in humankind, but it will take a place like Vienna to bring it out.

The question to myself:

How do I make my classroom--and my being --about Vienna?

Not about -- but AS VIENNA.

 

A place where we find our best selves.

 

A place where genius can emerge.

 

A light in the darkness. 

 

I can't do anything about the curriculum, but I can make my classroom a place of respite.

 

I can slow myself down and look for genius.

 

The Golden Heart of each learner.

 

A can heed that warning when I feel frustrated, disjointed, angry...warning signs I have lost touch with joy.

 

***

 

It then occurred to me that I have had times of Vienna in my classroom: and that was when I taught creative writing.

 

On Friday the 26th I made a list: 

 

As a Creative Writing Teacher I...

 

--let inspiration drive a lot of what I did

--engaged in conversation about text and how things were presented

--let the kids be right where they were--no pushing

--choice choice choice

--never put anyone on the spot

--I got to chill myself at the beginning of each class when we did 10 minutes of writing called Crash and Burn. It kept me in touch with what was happening inside of me before it got out of control.

--what we did in class was based on their interests

--made time for any silly thing they wanted to do for fun

--let them talk and write together

 

How can that translate into my reading class with a firm curriculum?

 

--sit them back in groups

--engage in more conversations

--meet them where they are each day

--choices whenever possible

--more music

--give them the first step...then the second

--center myself at the beginning of class--how am I REALLY feeling? If I am carrying any grievance or frustration, I know it will end up causing an issue. I've already seen this again and again as I've been trying to change things.

--take the temperature--do they work out the lesson in groups? or do I lead them?

--it doesn't always have to be the same

--focus on PRACTICE

Some of these things I'm doing, and some I'm not doing very well, and some...well...it's time.

Vienna waits for me.

 

 

 

 

 

15. Spirit Walking

 

#66Challenge

Written 11/3/2021 after reading these lines in Joy Harjo's poem "Spirit Walking in the Tundra"

This is what it feels like...

when you spirit walk

there is a shaking, and then you

are in mystery.

I've been through a kind of shaking

and now I am in mystery.

My spirit walk through this thing

called my teaching life continues

to morph and change.

I am aware that being away can

skew the reality -- well aware.

 

Yet...

some things point the way

toward a peace with the facts.

I mean, what is the point of fighting?

 

I must remain spiritually healthy

to do my work. That was

what I was missing. It was what

led to this breakdown of my

immune system.

 

Yet...

I can rise.

 

I had a revelation. My learners

need to be supervised by adults

and

loved by adults.

One cannot supersede the other. 

There is a huge gap to fill, a place

that fell away back when

they were in elementary.

It's different for each one, so it

leaves us to not even know

how to begin to repair.

What I do know is love and

kindness are never wasted.

 

And all things work together

for good

and it serves me.

 

 

14. Faith

 #66Challenge

I took two days off work and after much meditation, contemplation, journaling, questioning, and reading Lynn Ungur’s poem “Hawks,” I came to this place. My heart is calm. My mind is at peace.

Today I breathe easier

as I take a rest

in the quiet here

sun out, busy world outside.

I gave myself the gift of this time

so deeply needed

to heal my tortured soul, to see more clearly

to find FAITH I’m in the right place always.

If I’m here, this is where God wants me.

Today I realize it’s okay!

Today is a gift of grace to myself.

To be fiercely present.

To feel the winds of change.

8. The Heart is a Gateway

 

 #66Challenge

I wrote this on Sunday, October 17 after reading an ancient poem by Sun Bu-er, which I read every day, but on this day I felt like I received messages as I read. By the end of the week, I would have a better understanding of why.

The bold print is Sun's poem. The italicized is mine.

 

 

Cut brambles long enough

I'm getting to the core of things

    looking for the new growth

    cutting away that which 

    does not nourish

Sprout after sprout

Each learner a reader in their own right

How do I assist this growth?

And the lotus will bloom

All good things take time and nurturing

Of its own accord:

Whose day is it for a breakthrough?

Could be me

Already waiting in the clearing

It is happening, it has happened

I must bear witness

The single image of light

Be present. Notice. Celebrate.

The day you see this

That will be the day you become it

Everything is becoming

if the environment is set

Get out of the way

Give room for growth

Be true to the reader you are

Be true to the cause of books

Have faith in your vision

Bring awareness

Bites of learning and

times of building stamina

Keep the light shining

on the power of language

 

6. New Growth

New orchids on my lanai inspired this piece

 #66Challenge

5. Challenged and Changed

 #66Challenge

 

These are a few poems representing some of what has been happening since September began. These short poems are written by jumping off a line from a poem I just read. The lines and poets are noted at the beginning of each poem

 

 

9.1.21 

danced up to the moon and stars and galaxies (Angle)

I need to remember to dance.

I'm truly NOT having enough fun with my students.

I'm letting tension seep in.

I'm not taking the right steps again.

Today I will wear my feather earrings and remember to keep it light.

Smile. 

Smile.

Smile.

(behind the mask! ;-)

 

9.2.21

break back into the world (Smith)

Yesterday

I had to be reminded 

to do what works.

Wasn't I the one who

wrote a poem about that?

Even had it published:

You know what to do...

Do what works.

You know what that is. 

 

9.4.21

Time and how are the mysterious

elements of any life

I will find my way home to you (Harjo)

 

Finding my way home

Over and over again

Aware it is never as easy

as it appears on the surface.

 

That's okay.

 

I am challenged.

        I am changed.