Stopped in My Tracks: Fortune Cookie

I cannot believe I haven’t written on this blog in almost two weeks. It isn’t that I hadn’t thought of things to write about. It was more about gathering the focus to do so when other things were swirling around me. These last few weeks have found a decrease in the meetings and paperwork and such I was doing for so long, and has been replaced with parties and gatherings and decorating and my first book club meeting. 

One thing that occurred more than once is a moment of awe —something showed up that stopped me in my tracks and made me take notice. It helped turn the prism a little to see a slightly different color. I will be sharing these in the next few blogs, and will watch for new ones as I venture through life.

The first one came in a fortune cookie:

I had just finished my meal and opened this cookie and was stopped in my tracks. I set the message down on the counter and it has been there ever since. This little slip of paper gave me permission to not feel like I have to do anything. Sure, there are a gazillion things I can be doing around here on any given day. I will know when to do those things. And for the most part, it isn’t today, or maybe even this week. I am well aware I am still in healing mode, and grief mode, and pushing myself through cleaning out drawers or closets does not sound like where I need to spend my time. Instead, I socialize, read, enjoy binge-watching shows, and make sure I get good food in me every day. 

And breathing. Always breathing!

I don’t have to take care of everything. I only have to take care of me.

The Pulling of Opposites

I didn’t write yesterday, and wasn’t planning on writing today because words seem to be hard to form.  My energy is on the low side, and I’m in a bit of a lull. Yet, I blew through the things in my “to-do” list before 8:30 this morning.

Then I saw this quote from Brene Brown in FB Memories and thought, yes, this is it:

Opposites are pulling at me constantly. I cried in church, then later was full of joy when walking the labyrinth.

My wound is healing but there is a great deal of swelling, making my belly feel sore and heavy. It is slowing me down and yes, feels a tad concerning. I’m going to my doctor tomorrow.

Last night my Lectio Divina group had a dinner. A lovely woman named Vicky gave us all reversible Christmas placemats she made. I was touched by her generosity and artistry. Okay…no opposite there. The evening was perfect.

I hate running the heat, yet today I keep turning it on and off.  Everything right now is too hot and too cold. Not quite me, but fully me somehow. 

It’s exactly what Brene says: stretch-marked and strong, worn and willing.

It’s okay to not know what this is about, and just go with it. Everything sorts itself out in time, right?

Thanksgiving Gratitudes (of course!)

 I am grateful for three days spent with friends this week

And especially for the dinner I will be having today

The first holiday without Jim present.

I am grateful for you, my family and friends, who read this blog

Cheer me on

Comfort me.

I am grateful for all the medical professionals who helped us through this year

Of unprecedented hospital visits

And Hope Hospice as well.

I am grateful to everyone at Cypress Lake Middle

Always there for me.

I am grateful to my neighbors who have done so much for me.

I am grateful to those who have reached out across the miles,

Calling and writing and sending cards

Especially the SJA class of 1973.

I am grateful for my new church home

Providing the anchors I need.

I am grateful for all who helped me pull my retirement together,

Which was no small feat given my husband was dying.

I am grateful my healing from that horrible infection

Has been consistently good.

I am grateful for professional advice I’ve had to seek.

This Thanksgiving Day

Is for us all to remember

We will always make it through

Somehow, someway.

For that, I am mostly grateful.

Thanksgiving Day 2016

Thursday Thoughts

 

It has been one month since Jim made his transition. 

I could not write yesterday as I was totally numb from the election results. I had faith in the American people, so it is hard to accept so many are willing to exchange our democracy over racism and misogyny. I’m not surprised. I was just holding the highest good in my heart.

We are all a bit wiser now, knowing what we now know.

Here is some great healing news…I was able to sleep on my right side the last couple of nights  I’ve had to sleep on my back ever since the accident, but my preferred method is on my side. This has been amazing. Even more amazing is that today I will take my first shower since August 19th! My wound nurse brought waterproof bandages for me and said go for it. I was so over wiping down with cleaning cloths and washing my hair in the sink. The shower is another sign of my progress in healing, and is a game-changer. It brings back another element of normalcy I definitely can use.

I’m glad the rainy weather will be past us after today. I want nice weather for Scott’s visit and for the Saturday event, which will be emotional and wonderful. 

Everything is a step I am taking to re-form my life. I am grateful for all the love and support I have. 

Go Kamala!

 

The day is finally here. Election Day 2024.

I have faith the Harris-Walz ticket will prevail.

This campaign season has been intertwined with the events in my life.

I was in the hospital from the car accident when the June debate took place.

I was visiting Jim at Gulf Coast when a nurse came in with the news Biden was dropping out.

I was recovering from surgery when the Democratic National Convention happened, and I watched the three joyful nights in my hospital room.

The night in September when Harris slayed her opponent in the debate was when I was recovering from the second surgery.

And since then I’ve watched many rallies and interviews and have kept the faith that good will win. That the American experiment will continue.

Likewise, I am still healing from all my traumas this year, and I know that I am moving forward and am in the process of figuring out a new life for myself. My own experiment! 

I go forward with optimism, trust, and joy.

Here are Kamala’s words from her last speech in Philadelphia. On this day, I want to reinforce she is the leader we are ready for in this moment:

Endings

I feel better today. I have a fairly reasonable to-do list ready, and am going to move on to my day as soon as I post this.

Today I received my last paycheck from the School District of Lee County. It is my last day.

Retirement officially begins tomorrow.

I also was happy to throw this in the trash bag:

There is nothing in this folder I need. That part of my life and all its stress and difficulties is over.

Moving on.

Coming Out of a Long Struggle (Lectio Divina #2)

Something changed for me yesterday.

Prompted by things that have been happening, some communication I was doing with Jim, and reading that was inspiring me, I came back to myself.

At one point, I looked at my blog from September. I was particularly taken with the one where I had a picture of Alice in Wonderland looking at herself in a pond. At the time I had just been moved to a different hospital and I was wondering who I even was. I didn’t have my rituals. I wasn’t able to see my husband. I felt pretty lost. 

Somehow revisiting that time was good for me. I realized how far I have come from those days, and suddenly I just felt settled into the way things are. All day I felt it. I was doing a lot of reading. The company came and picked up all these oxygen supplies that have been sitting around here. Adios to that! I had a good trip to Target. And I went to Lectio Divina.

There we had a reading (find it below)where two things stuck out to me.

Struggling means living.

Divided parts/ integrated whole

I wrote this prayer:

Dear God, when I turn to you, you never let me down. In my anxiety and struggle, you gently lead me. Listening with faith, trusting your wisdom is what works. It’s the connection. The ability to have someone point the way. Intuition is God— is You. The miracle is always in the moment – – the miracle to release the struggle and feel alive. The miracle to heal the wounds, be energetic and free. There are a lot of people in the world who speak inspiring words. May I listen and honor the wisdom that comes my way over and over. Acknowledge them. Be grateful.🌻

So that took care of the struggle part.

Then I started to reflect on the parts versus the whole. I reflected:

I just looked at the scar on my arm, I thought of the bruise still on my right breast, and the open wound by my bellybutton. These are parts, but they don’t divide me. They are somehow integrating me into wellness.

Then I thought of Alice again.  I used her name to write an acrostic.

Alice was looking and I tried to look, but could not see.

Lately that is changing. I feel more like me.

In my tears and writing and walking and reading and chores and music listening, I’m coming back.

Can’t say anything will be the same as it was, but why would I want it to be?

Everything is temporary… Even the me I am today.

Escaping Tunnel Vision

 

In June, I began reading the book pictured above that was on the New York Times Bestseller list, with the idea that there would things to implement in my classroom. Needless to say, my life got interrupted and I only recently got back to it. I decided to keep reading it for my own sake, rather than my students’, and I’m glad I did.

In his book, Grant takes us through all the ways we think in shallow ways, or make arguments that don’t work, or lean toward our own biases. He talks about concepts like challenge teams and motivational interviewing, which caught my attention. His approach is easy to follow, with great examples, and lots of graphics.

I picked up the book once I got home from the hospital, and eventually I was taking it to read when I visited Jim since he was mostly sleeping. The text energized me and made me think in new ways.  I credit it with helping me through the difficult decisions I had to make regarding Jim’s care. It has caused me to turn to people to help me think things through, something I don’t think I typically did enough, unless it was with Jim.

The other night I woke to go to the bathroom, and found I was having a hard time getting back to sleep. I decided to finish the last 20 pages of the book. One of the chapters was called “Escaping Tunnel Vision.” There were two quotes that I ended up marking.

I realized that for years, I have been living a kind of tunnel vision, and for a very good reason. My husband was ill, and in a very slow decline, and it was demanding more of me — more of my time, energy, worry, and anxiety. I had gotten to the point I thought I would never want to travel again, that doing something just for fun seemed long ago and far away. I think this was preying on my mind more than I knew. I just thought it was where I was in life — but now I see it was the situation, not necessarily who I had become.

The tunnel vision was necessary, don’t get me wrong. I had to put first things first, and I will never regret I did. And now I am thankful I had this book in hand to help me see my way out.

Reading the last few chapters was exhilarating. Here were two important quotes to me:

At work and in life, the best we can do is plan for what we want to learn and contribute over the next year or two, and stay open to what might come next. 

Our identities are open systems, and so are our lives.. We don’t have to stay tethered to old images of where we go or who we want to be. The simplest way to start rethinking our options is to question what we do daily.

I believe Adam Grant has provided a blueprint for me as I forge a new life without my husband and enter retirement. A lot of people ask if I will sub, and my immediate response is NO. It feels like “been there, done that.”

I have felt for a long time, and REALLY feel now, that there is something else waiting for me. Something that will be fulfilling in a new way. I have no idea what it is, but since Jim’s passing and finishing this book, I feel like I have escaped the tunnel. And I don’t think this is disrespectful to Jim. If I know him — and I do — he is cheering for me from the other side.

Tangled (acrostic)

 

The many hoses and wires

Are attached and often tangle

Not unlike life right now. A

Gazillion things to figure out, to

Leaf through and make decisions, and

Every time I do, things tangle again.

Doing my best to keep it all straight!

Sunday Gratitudes

 

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me remain calm.

Thank you for great healthcare professionals who did their job and moved on Jim’s symptoms.

Thank you for my husband of all these years. I’ve been blessed.

Thank you for this sunny morning. And the coffee. And refrigerator full of food to keep me healthy.

Thank you for deep sleep. I needed it.

Thank you for some return of my energy. I’m beginning to notice it.

Thank you for another day to see my husband and hold his hand.

Storm Coming

 

Storm coming

Just what we need

But why, oh why

Does it have to be on Jim’s birthday?

I’m officially tired of these storms.

Purpose

 

For many years now, my purpose has been teaching.

Early this year, I had another purpose… To take care of Jim.

This morning I came to the realization that my purpose in life is changing.

Has already changed.

At this point in my healing process, I cannot take care of Jim.

I have to leave that to other people.

I’ve known for a while that my teaching purpose has ended.

I really do not know where I will land.

Right now, my only purpose is to heal myself.

I pray daily for no complications.

It’s so hard facing this on my own.

I heard this line in a song today right when I was thinking about the word purpose:

Every purpose has its time

Time is shifting. My purpose is shifting.

And I have to believe it will serve me well.

Literally Fine…

 

I got a big laugh when I read this.

I don’t think I’ve read anything lately that felt as true as this does.

I cannot think about the past, all the things that have happened, and how much I missed having a summer.

I’m forced to think about the future as I’m beginning to plan my retirement.

But I’d rather be doing anything else.

And then there’s the present… Right now.

I cannot move through my life like I used to.

Everything takes extra thought, planning, will I have the energy?

It’s a huge balancing act, these three time frames.

I’m literally fine… Until I start thinking about one of them.

🫨🫨🫨

Thursday Gratitudes

 

I’m so glad to be home and see the colors of the sky and water.

I am grateful I can visit Jim.

I am grateful for home health care.

I am grateful to friends who keep in touch and are praying for us.

I am grateful for my workplace support.

I am grateful for health insurance.

I am grateful for music, a large part of each morning.

I am grateful I have some independence.

I’m grateful I feel a bit stronger and steadier today.

Where/Who Am I?

 I keep looking at this picture of Alice

And I feel like it’s supposed to help reveal something to me

Where are we in life without our routines?

I’ve lost every bit of mine

Yesterday from the rearview of the ambulance

I was looking at the roads that I’ve traveled so many times

But these same roads I haven’t been on in very long time

As my life has taken these many twists and turns

Once I was in the hospital for a while, I had the routines down

Now I’m somewhere new and starting from scratch

All I really want is to live life on my terms

Choose my own routines

It’s so easy to get lost in this medical mania

What will I remember most about this time?

What will I have learned from this experience?

When will it be my time to emerge?

Hospital Day 10

 I am going crazy here without my journal.  I had considered having my neighbor bring it in, but didn’t feel like there was anywhere good to keep it. I had her bring me pads of papers and pens, but have yet to try them. Since she did bring my iPad, I thought I’d come straight here.

The point here is not to rehash everything. All of this is beyond my mind to even comprehend. I am forced into the moment because these previous days have been tough, and the future is terrifying in so many ways, I dare not go there.

Jim and I feel like we are hanging on by a string together. I told him last night I just know we will have a chance to hold each others’ hands again. Could God have brought us all this way together just to drop us in a lonely sea? I think not.

A chaplain who saw Jim came to see me. He didn’t have much to say, but he did recite my favorite quote:

All will be well

And all will be well

In all manner of things will be well

I colored these bright flowers today. Sunflowers have been a guiding light to me for many years. They remind me that joy is always at hand. That when we are together we are more powerful. That we can stand tall and strong. And turning our face to the sun, our beautiful source, is a necessary spiritual ritual every day.

Hidden

Today I’m reflecting on this line from the poem yesterday:

Let the Sun teach you that

no matter how long you’ve been hidden

you will always rise again.

HIDDEN. That is how I feel since the accident.

Like I’m hidden from the world.

I’m hiding at home. And in hospital rooms.

I had started to venture out, but now I’m hidden again.

Last night was the first night in weeks and weeks I joyfully made dinner and had an appetite to eat it.

I have been feeling so off. Maybe last night was a first step away from that feeling.

In the quote, it speaks of rising.

I’m not sure about that, but my word this year was EMERGE.

I suppose at some point circumstances will help me emerge into some kind of currently unimagined life.

Lord knows, I never would have imagined this one.

Showered and Written

Today when I got up, all I could do was write, write, write in my journal. There was so much information to process from yesterday. 

Jim and I have come to this moment sadly unprepared to deal with it. But there isn’t much I can do about that now.

In my writing, I made a plan for today. It’s just a plan, a thought, an idea, a process. I will speak to others about it. I will listen for helpful input.

After about an hour of writing and sipping coffee, the only thing I wanted to do was shower. I had not even had breakfast yet, so this is totally out of my routine. But I needed to wash off all the gunk from yesterday, all the fears and tears and “what are we going to do”s.

Another part of yesterday was spending a lot of time just staring at the clouds outside of Jim’s room. My friend Annmarie sent me this poem today, and the cloud part really got me. 🥹

Things got too heavy yesterday for sure. But today through the magic of gel pen, paper, and a lovely hot shower, I was able to release some of the weight. Now it’s on to my day: breakfast, counselor appointment, visit to Jim, more conversations. 

I have helpers…real humans and nature. I will not squander what they have to offer.

Stabilizing

Journal entry 8.27.24

Yesterday while I was waiting for Gina Wells to pick me up for my doctor appointment, I saw a huge eagle fly over our lake. It was followed by a smaller, younger one.

I consider eagle sightings auspicious, so was encouraged by this sign.

[for the readers: Gina is the wife of the guy who is subbing my classes while I’m out. I had never met her before. This is how strong my CLMS support network is. I am grateful.]

When I got in the car, meeting Gina for the first time, I told her of the eagle sighting. I told her in Native American mythology, it represented Spirit, and I felt it was telling me Spirit is with me.

While in my doctor appointment, Gina looked up online. When I came out, she read me this:

Find stability in yourself.

When I looked it up today, I found some additional words that can be stabilizing. 

STRENGTH. POWER. WISDOM. FREEDOM. DIVINE PROTECTION. SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE.

I’m feeling the strength to do what I need to do.

I will keep the power on my side —enough hopelessness and flying around at the whims of things.

I’m wise enough to know what’s happening here.

The only freedom I will feel is if I don’t get caught in anxiety about imagined future events.

Stabilizing is to feel the strength, power, wisdom and freedom of this important moment.

Each important moment.

ADDENDUM: I went to the hospital early today and met with the palliative care manager.

Jim signed a DNR.

Hospice care has been discussed, but his pulmonologist said to wait and see how he does the next couple of days.

Here is the moment.

Better

 I remember this anniversary dinner

Outdoor restaurant…it was hot!

Loved seeing our smiles here when things were better.

Talked to you this morning.

You said you’re doing better, but you won’t say “good.”

I myself am better, and perhaps approaching good.

The struggles of this summer are beyond compare.

I hang tight to memories

Of when times were better

And we were together.