Eagle Trifecta

I’ve had three eagle sightings in a month.

The first was December 15th. I was on my way to Crystal Bowl Meditation, had just turned on to A & W Bulb Road when an eagle, her white head brilliant in the sun, flew over the road ahead of me.

The second one was last Friday. I was driving up Summerlin, and an eagle with prey in his talons flew over the road ahead of me and into Lakes Park.

Today it was on Tamiami Trail as I was leaving my massage therapist. The eagle was just drifting around with the breezes above, not in any hurry to go anywhere, her white head and tail announcing her spirit.

In Native American Medicine, eagles represent Spirit. Their feathers are the most sacred.

Given this highly unusual chain of events in less than a month, I’m proclaiming Eagle Medicine as mine for 2025. I read about Eagle, and this part really spoke to me, given the year I’ve had:

Eagle represents a state of grace achieved through hard work, understanding, and a completion of the tests of initiation which result in the taking of personal power.

Eagle brings illumination. Look higher and love the shadow as well as the light. See the beauty in both, and you will take flight with Eagle.

And this will go on my 2025 Playlist:

Thanksgiving Gratitudes (of course!)

 I am grateful for three days spent with friends this week

And especially for the dinner I will be having today

The first holiday without Jim present.

I am grateful for you, my family and friends, who read this blog

Cheer me on

Comfort me.

I am grateful for all the medical professionals who helped us through this year

Of unprecedented hospital visits

And Hope Hospice as well.

I am grateful to everyone at Cypress Lake Middle

Always there for me.

I am grateful to my neighbors who have done so much for me.

I am grateful to those who have reached out across the miles,

Calling and writing and sending cards

Especially the SJA class of 1973.

I am grateful for my new church home

Providing the anchors I need.

I am grateful for all who helped me pull my retirement together,

Which was no small feat given my husband was dying.

I am grateful my healing from that horrible infection

Has been consistently good.

I am grateful for professional advice I’ve had to seek.

This Thanksgiving Day

Is for us all to remember

We will always make it through

Somehow, someway.

For that, I am mostly grateful.

Thanksgiving Day 2016

Where You Are

 

Yesterday we had a celebration of Jim’s life, and I could not be happier with how things went. The turnout was great, and it was wonderful to have my incredible support system all together in one room.

In the morning I was working on finalizing the slideshow I planned to use. Family members and friends from out of state had sent their memories, and I had them on the slides ready to share. I had my teacher friends each assigned to read one of them, and it worked beautifully.

Anyway, while working on it and listening to a station on Apple Music, a song sung by Josh Grobin came on: “Where You Are.”  The lyrics hit me so hard I began to cry. And in that moment, I felt Jim behind me and he wrapped his arms around me, much like the photo above. It was such a calming presence, I stopped sobbing. I knew he was there more intensely than anytime since he’s passed. I realized later I had heard the song before, it’s been around for a while. But yesterday it was brand new and played just so I could connect with Jim in a profound way.

I told my friend Kara about it, and she insisted Jim sent me the song. I tend to agree with her. Because now when I listen (and cry) I immediately feel his arms around me. It is a beautiful gift I will cherish for a long time to come.

This Place

 Yesterday, this showed up in FB Memories:

The place I am as I write this is Jim’s ICU room. I understand that he’s progressed enough he may be moved to another level.

Before writing here, I looked up the poem this quote is from. It not only assures me I’m in the right place, but that God is waiting for me…always.

 I am finding that in facing my fears, I sometimes have a residual effect.  For example, yesterday I took a cold, hard look at finances, and ended up having money terror dreams. Been a long time since I had that happen, and I don’t like it now.

I am reminded that grace is always within reach. I can’tbe unkind to myself through worthless worry. I need not be confused about the plan. God has it well in hand, and as I said a few weeks ago, God didn’t bring us this far to drop us into a lonely sea. 

There is a way, and it’s certain.

Here is the full poem:

Joy, Grief, Anger

 Recently I decided to get some stuff out of the guest room closet I knew I didn't need. I came across this framed quote:

I knew I should remember who said this, but I had to search it up. It was Julian of Norwich.

In case you don't know her, this is a general description: Julian of Norwich (1342-c.1416) is known to us almost only through her book, The Revelations of Divine Love, which is widely acknowledged as one of the great classics of the spiritual life. She is thought to have been the first woman to write a book in English which has survived.

She is quoted most often for her comforting words: All will be well, all will be well, in all manner of things will be well.

I  have been reading the framed quote aloud to myself since I discovered it. I do it to remind myself that all is, indeed, well in the general scheme of things. But, of course, I'm not exactly feeling that.

Here is a journal entry I wrote.

**

Today I had quite a journey while doing my daily reading/journaling. It began when I was reading Parker Palmer's essay called "Confessing My Complicity." Here is my entry for today:

I haven't finished reading yet but BAM -- these words hit:

Anger isn't the problem. The problem is getting hooked on anger -- addicted to an emotion that gives you a fleeting high but leaves you feeling worse, all the while robbing you of well-being and creating desire for the next hit. Being hooked saps me of energy and harms my health...it diverts me from taking personal responsibility for what is going on right now.

I had all the signs that anger was lurking and I ignored them. Yesterday it evolved into a crying jag and yelling and giving in to my deepest fears.

And to what end? Only felt a little better, but doubt it actually helped.

I AM ANGRY JIM IS ILL.

Yes, I am. I never say that, do I?

I AM ANGRY MY LIFE IS CHANGING IN WAYS I CAN'T CONTROL.

I AM ANGRY THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO ATTEND TO ALL THE TIME AND I AM NOW ON MY OWN WITH THEM.

I AM ANGRY ABOUT WHAT IS COMING NEXT SCHOOL YEAR.

I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR LOSING FAITH, FOR NOT BELIEVING IN MIRACLES.

~~~~Phew~~~~

Yesterday two things came up in Facebook memories I needed. One was a quote from Carlos Santana:

If you believe in gravity and drop something a hundred times, a hundred times it's going to fall. But if you believe in grace as you believe in gravity, then a hundred out of a hundred times you're going to get a miracle.

It was followed up by this quote from Regina Brett:

Don't give up before the miracle as there may be more than one.

I read more Parker and he included a quote from Valarie Kaur (founder of the Revolutionary Love Project):

Joy is the gift of love. Grief is the price of love. Anger is the force that protects that which is loved.

This! I have focused on joy and I've acknowledged grief, but I have not allowed anger to show me its force.

I FEEL PROTECTIVE.

Getting Jim safely places. Keeping myself safe so I am there for him. Running interference on procedures and appointments. Keeping everything in the house we need. And secretly being terrified about another hurricane. How can I keep him safe?

I AM ANGRY THIS HAS HAPPENED TO HIM!

And this is why Julian keeps showing up. She is the one who said it's harder to see a loved one suffering than to suffer yourself.

I had pulled out my Julian meditation book yesterday, and now I pulled out her classic Revelations of Love. I feel it is time to read it -- perhaps all the way through. 

Thinking of this further, I can see that while school was on I could shift my anger to stuff there. I didn't have to confront it here at home. That is why these past two weeks have felt so difficult -- this anger was floating around and I didn't have a place for it.

After journaling, I spoke with Jim about this. We figured out a couple small things together and agreed that the last four years have been a barrage of devastating events: Jim's stroke, the pandemic, his eye issue that resulted in blindness, his brother Doug passing, his son Dan passing, the two cancer diagnoses and subsequent treatments, Hurricane Ian, the cancer and COPD diagnoses, and the loss of his son Wayne.

And that leads me back to Valarie's words:

Joy is the gift of love.

Grief is the price of love.

Anger is the force that protects that which is loved.

Use it wisely!