Nothing Burgers and Modern Art

Since my car accident, I have completely avoided driving the road where the crash occurred. In the beginning, I was pretty terrified at the prospect. Later, after the long hospital stay, I might not have been as afraid, but I still was unsure about making the commitment to turn onto A&W Bulb Road.

Then yesterday I had a dentist appointment. I knew the fastest and best way to go was to take that road. And so I gathered my courage and I did it.

It turned out being a nothing burger.

I thought I would recognize where the accident took place. Nope.

Facing my fear, though, sure made me euphoric. It’s amazing how things get built up in our minds when they really are a whole lot of nothing.

I hope to remember this more often in the future.

Now here is a little modern art I colored today. 😊

Be Fearless

 

So easy to fall into wishing things will be a certain way

Or being afraid of the “next bad news”

Today I commit to FEARLESSNESS

BE FEARLESS in loving

BE FEARLESS in taking care of myself

BE FEARLESS in writing and art

BE FEARLESS in trusting

BE FEARLESS in finances and safety

BE FEARLESS in physical therapy

BE FEARLESS in decision making 

BE FEARLESS in accepting things exactly as they are

The Aim

I saw this meme and boy, could I relate.

I have never seen a year like this in my life.

I’m actually scared for the rest of the year, for so many reasons.

In my mind it’s like what else?

Then I saw this meme:

And it detailed what I am trying to do every day…

Remember that everything is temporary

Remember that there are still joyful moments

Remember that the terror I feel in so many arenas of my life:

Jim’s health

My health

The school year

The political scene 

These are huge things, and they matter.

My aim is to relax into what is.

Make decisions one at a time.

And if I’ve said this a hundred times before,

Well, I’m not surprised.

I have to keep reminding myself not to run on fear.

Because it is so damn easy to do. 

Begin Again (journal entry)

 

Now that school is ending, I find myself drifting into fearful thoughts. I know it, yet it keeps happening.

I fear the loss of my husband.

I fear the loss of my career.

I fear a future uncertain -- even as early as August.

Just saying this makes my chest tighten up.

Today I read in Parker Palmer's book his essay called "Begin Again." Within his reflection on "beginner's mind," he included a poem written by Wendell Berry for another poet named Hayden Carruth. This part near the end really hit me:

I greet you at the beginning, for we are

either beginning or we are dead. And let us have

no careers, lest one day we be found dead in them.

I greet you at the beginning that you have made

authentically in your art, again and again.

 

 

BEGIN AGAIN to live ARTFULLY.

I have to stop thinking about THE END. That is where my fear lies.

In my best days, I'm aware there is a life ahead of me I cannot even imagine.

I have to keep reminding myself, because I get caught up short. Like the other day driving home from work. I had heard wonderful stories of people 20-30 years younger than I am making career moves and changes. It caused feelings of sadness for myself that those kinds of days are over for me. 

But again -- in my best days I know there can always be a surprise waiting, something I cannot see now from where I stand.

I have to believe.

And my chest loosens up at these words.

***

I don't keep a good walking schedule, so today I decided to begin again. I took a walk around the neighborhood on a relatively cool morning. I went with the intention of looking for signs of new beginnings. Nowhere was it more prominent than in the palm trees. Everywhere I looked, the trees had new shoots rising from the top, a sure sign that life goes on for the tree. New beginnings. New attitudes. Growth, possibility, and life.

Nature never fails to support us, does it?

Don’t Shake the Snow Globe

 Spontaneous poem…

I was up at 4:25 today desperate to get grading done

Two more assignments in two classes—too many students!

I listened to comforting music and I cried from worry

And I cried from comfort it gave me

And I thought about what to write here today 

I read this morning that “emotional constriction does not serve”

And boy, I’m finding that is true

I get caught up in Jim’s health

Is he breathing okay? Will he ever not be exhausted?

Does he need me to be here every minute?

And the worst one: How long does he have?

All kinds of worrisome nonsense not serving anyone

Least of all me

They feel like good questions in the moment

But it is simply shaking up the snow globe of fear

And truly does not help a thing

And as I contemplate all of this

Jim walks out with a laundry basket and puts in a load

I vow again to just appreciate what is

Let the snow globe settle

Be at some kind of peace

Time

Time to think

Time to catch up

Time to sleep

Time to weep

Time to be alone and think

Time to be alone and not think

Time away from regular obligations

Time with the ones you love

What else is there, anyway? 

Fearful Heart, Silent Voice

 #DearParker

Response to "The Student from Hell"

Quotes from the text:

The way we diagnose our student's condition will determine the kind of remedy we offer. (42)

Our assumption that students are brain-dead leads to pedagogies that deaden their brain. (42)

The silent and seemingly sullen students in our classrooms are not brain-dead: they are full of fear. (45)

Their silence is born not of stupidity or banality but of a desire to protect themselves and survive. (46)

I try to teach their fearful hearts, and when I am able to do so, their minds come along as well. (47)

Behind their fearful silence, our students want to find their voices, speak their voices, have their voices heard. (47)

A good teacher is one who can listen to those voices even before they are spoken...making space...being aware...paying attention...honoring...not rushing...no coercion...empathy. (47)

Dear Parker,

Here is an aspect that is so real to me, yet has often escaped me in the wake of competing demands.  I'm getting this message from more than one direction -- the idea of the fear a student carries into the classroom experience being paramount in their minds, and how it colors all their actions. My mode of operation has often been to placate the fear -- not necessarily focus on moving them beyond it. If they say they don't want to talk or read out loud,  I say okay. Yet, at the end of last year I started to think I'm not serving them, and began to gently push in some areas. Since then I've found a few ways we can consistently do things to move this process along. Now that I'm embracing the idea of their fear informing everything, this has surged to the forefront of importance. 

 I know fear isn't limited to them. I have my own series of fears that show up. I'll be addressing that as well!

I spent a good part of last year afraid of some of my students and because of that, I was unable to reach the rest. It was painfully awful. I first saw their attitudes as armor, as Brene Brown says, and that was true. But it wasn't easy to figure out how to get past the armor.

Thinking of it as FEAR -- False Evidence Appearing Real--I believe I can get beyond it. It makes it more a common, singular emotion, rather than several different. Young people come in not knowing if they can be successful, if they will have a voice, if they are good enough. They carry with them any failures from the past that brought them down. They internalize the negatives. My job is to gently move them forward, chipping away at fear through the right combination of activities and time. The most productive direction from the Day One. Building a classroom community to support them wherever they are, one of mutual dependence -- the balance of everyone doing their part. I can honestly say, it hasn't been like that the past couple of years.

Time will tell. But in the meantime, I am going to keep this in the upper part of my mind as I enter the next school year.

hms