Brighter and Lighter

 Journal entry

I saw this meme from Adam Grant and I realize that’s exactly where I am.

 I've worked really hard to stay in the present moment because it was too difficult to envision a bright future knowing Jim was terminally ill. Which reminds me of what I heard earlier this year – – that all love affairs come to a bad end. The couple either breaks up or one of them dies. 

Now that I know Jim is out of pain, I can look to the future in a new way. I will keep working on my healing, make new connections, do some things I have not been able to do.

I’m not a caretaker anymore. Wow – – first time I’ve said those words.

I have a gazillion things ahead of me to do, and it will take a long time.

I still have burdens – – but I know they will lighten.

I take everything Jim gave me and carry it into a brighter future.

2024 has been beyond challenging. Yet, I saw such goodness and generosity and care coming our way every day. We were given exactly what we needed in each moment, even those weeks we were separated. The world is full of amazing human beings, who are capable of caring, listening, reaching out, going the extra mile for us. It’s really astounding to look back and realize all those wonderful people who helped us. I’m talking about nurses and hospital staff and chaplains and social workers and hospice. 

I enter this phase with new vision and understanding. I carry with me the inspiration of all those people who helped us. I want to be one of those people for others.

I will find my place. And it will be exactly where I need to be.

“Living from the Inside Out”

 

I read a commencement address Parker Palmer gave at Naropa University in 2015. It has the same title as this blog.

There were two quotes I pulled out:

To grow in love and service, you must value ignorance as much as knowledge and failure as much as success.

…walk straight into your not knowing, and take the risk of failing and falling, again and again.

After reflecting on these a bit, I went on to write in my journal, and some really great ideas took form in an unexpected way. I’ve been thinking about how to approach things next year, and I had yet to tie it all together. I remembered things I had forgotten all about, and found they were a perfect fit for what I am trying to accomplish.

This all has to do with teaching, of course. I have annoyed myself sometimes when I look back on the blog and see how I rise and fall, commit and lose track, again and again. I secretly wonder if others are reading these words and saying to themselves “Hasn’t she figured it out yet?”

Parker’s words about living from the inside hit home because that is what I am doing in most instances…until I forget and try to control from the outside. When I think I’ve figured it out, I do my best to move forward. Yet, things throw me off track. Seems so repetitive.

But then, I wouldn’t take any action if I didn’t think I knew the way…right?

Still, not knowing can be valuable. Beginner’s mind. And taking a huge dose of that with my ideas is definitely something I need to remember to do. I need to allow for some innovation and adjustment.

*

I’m documenting some things here so I won’t forget. One of the things I remembered was the interactive journal, which I haven’t used in years. Once the Chromebook took over, the journal seemed outdated and lunky. But after this year I realize how deeply necessary it is. Not every day, but definitely on a regular basis. 

The other thing I remembered was my acronym BRIDGE that is now taking on new dimensions as well. This is a mnemonic I created a few years ago:

Build

Relationships.

Illuminate

Discovery.

Generate 

Expression.

I have already seen how these simple steps can be used to enhance the Global Perspectives curriculum. I’m going to keep fitting the pieces together, based on what I’ve learned in my years of teaching this course. Believe me, it can be pretty dry. I need a decent plan to accomplish what needs to be done.  I found it by looking a bit to the past, looking inside, and being willing to give form to it. 

I chose the graphic on this blog because of the spiral nature, but also the many designs and colors combining into a unified whole. This piece of art speaks to how variety can be enhancing and enlivening.

May I live that idea inside my classroom every day.

The Bridge

 

Go and open the door

glance about

The mysterious myth of your

existence is not fragile

Take those big breaths

Find your determination

The echo of your soul

is soft, but not tender—

Like cool, wet sand

Go and open the door

The rain has stopped

Don’t beat at the walls

of your desperation

Recover the wind

What your heart speaks

is worth hearing 

Listen. Seek.

Go and open the door

Yesterday doesn’t define you

The winds of heaven—

the true colors of your life—

fly to you in an instant 

Exit the maze of perfectionism

Fall into the communion

of long-delayed realization

that the bridge leads to

amazement and admiration

5/1/2024

4:49 pm

 

Composed at the last Creative Writing Club meeting

using word tiles, a list of words the member generated,

and opening lines from other poems as fodder for creation.

21. Pregnant

 #66Challenge

 

I had a dream I was walking along, then I sat down. A doctor (female, Indian) approached me and told me I was pregnant.

I knew it was the truth.

And I was happy. Ageless.

Nothing else involved, and no one else.

All I can think now is that I'm pregnant with the possibility of birthing something new in my classroom, somehow pulling together to grow and learn and thrive.

I'm pregnant with ideas on how to let the kids do the productive struggle instead of me constantly struggling against them. Breathing into, rather than holding my breath.

It will be much like those midnight feedings and even colicky babies you have to drive around in the car to soothe and get quiet calm. In other words, it will be rocky for a while, I am sure.

I am slowly giving birth to what I already know...and what I don't.

This is a sacred time for me, and I need to keep my mind on

love

wisdom

caring

listening

lifting

and recognizing the 

moments of 

brilliance.

 

3. Real Teaching

 #66Challenge

This was the third day of the school year, and the first one that made me feel like a real teacher again. Not a pandemic teacher. Not a Zoom teacher. A real teacher whose kids are engaged, involved, talking, laughing, and being creative. With my advanced students we were able to visit the library so everyone could get a book in their hand, and I taught the goal-setting bookmark for the first time in 2 years to help them set their reading targets.

Despite the masks again and some other protocols, I am so grateful for a return to the classroom I love.

Real reading. Real involvement.  Real community.

Entering the Quiet Zone

We are more than a week into the holiday break, and I've entered the Quiet Zone.

Today I followed through on a decision I had made which was to use the "What's Your Word" cards my writing friend Kathy gave me as part of a gift exchange. There are 33 cards that ask questions that are supposed to lead you to your "word."  I decided to go through the questions quickly and answer with one sentence each. After a warm-up and a jump start, there are several categories, each with a few related questions. Categories like Let Go, Be Me, Dream, Grow, Love, and Serve.

Answering these questions in a real "in the moment" fashion helped me get quickly to a couple important things happening with me: one has to do with physical strength, and the other has to do with how I want to spend my time going forward.

For many years I had a lot of different things going. A few years ago I cut back. I decided I wanted to spend most of my time focused on writing.  And I did pretty well with that. I've completed several personal challenges, continue to write a poem a day, and my daily journaling, of course.

But something has shifted, and now there are other things that are calling for my time. One is the mandolin. I'm enjoying getting back into it focused just on ways to have fun and play with others. Second is my Music Polls page. I thoroughly enjoy what I'm doing with it, and others seem to like it, too. And third, a bit of art. I've committed to practicing some Zentangle, and that has been relaxing fun. No goals. Just do it.

One thing that has been a concern though, is what I feel is a physical weakening. It really started with the knotted up lat muscles in my side that sometimes made it painful to stand for any period of time, let alone do any walking. I've noticed a difference in my physical strength since I turned 65, and the lat situation has compounded it, keeping me from being as active as I need to be. I still do my daily yoga and stretching, but things like walks and weights and cycling have taken a back seat. Well, are fairly non-existent.

Answering the questions in the "What's Your Word" put this in the forefront. I realized as hard as it is, I have to find ways to start building strength.

So there is my word.  STRENGTH

I started here...a return to Six Mile Cypress Slough, where I walked nearly two miles with nary a twinge from my crazy lats, and thorough enjoyment of the slough itself. Throughout the pandemic I knew the slough boardwalk was open, but I didn't go because of a simple thing like the bathrooms not being available. By the time I drive there, I usually need to use the restroom before wending my way along the boardwalk, which takes the visitor through pinewoods, a hardwood forest, a hammock, and more than a few ponds. But yesterday I learned the park was fully open, and I knew that was my first stop today.

My friend Kara shared with me her focus for the coming year: Peace, Energy, Calm. Add to that STRENGTH. And that is what I felt today, finally returning to the slough, where I don't think I've been in quite a long time. At least a year...maybe longer. 

Entering the Quiet Zone is a natural part of this bridge of time between Christmas and New Years, a time I traditionally use to reflect and ground myself. All the right ingredients came together today. I intend to use them all to keep my STRENGTH building, despite any setbacks or frustrations. It is the most perfect and necessary thing for me right now. 

STRENGTH -- Challenge Accepted!!!!

Journal Entry Sunday, November 29, 2020

 I don't often post things I've written in my journal, but today it feels just right.

Here's what has happened this week:

I 100% found myself again.

I think that's why I'm actually looking forward to heading back to the classroom. My energy is restored.

And funny thing -- in the book I'm reading set in 1970, the Kent State Shooting just happened. And I was reflecting on how things quieted down after that -- after years of increasing turmoil in our country. And we are kind of in the same place today. Since the election -- even with the DT insanity -- things have really calmed down. I look at Joe Biden and his dedication to our country, to all our people, and I feel a renewed purpose in what I do. I've got to say, I don't think I've ever felt this inspired by a president. (I was a little young for the Kennedy era.)

I look to the future and, despite what is happening with COVID, I see so much hope that we will be rising up together to create a new world out of the ashes of 2020.

 

Michael Meade has said it for years -- the world has to be turned upside down in order to create a new one. There is no other way. We have lived in the "liminal" time* for a while now -- it felt so painful at times -- but now I think we can see the light. Yes, it's connected to a vaccine, I know this, and I'm fine with it.

I have learned so much through this time. Some of it I would never have learned otherwise.

As I've written about previously, I'm in Act Three. Things got pretty stressful for a while, but I'm learning to trust myself again. Doubt can be debilitating. I've moved beyond that time now and I've got it balanced and working for the benefit of all. Gotta admit -- it feels great!

MAGNIFY THE GOOD

What I focus on expands.

*The word liminal comes from the Latin word 'limen', meaning threshold - any point or place of entering or beginning. A liminal space is the time between the 'what was' and the 'next.' It is a place of transition, a season of waiting, and not knowing.

Bridge (7 Lines/ 7 Days #21)

 #108 Weeks

October 4-10, 2020

 

 

This week has flown

Slept beautifully last night. I feel rested and in good spirits

I just have to keep letting go 

                               letting go 

                               letting go

Just for today, I will be unafraid

Remember to Find Joy and All Will Be Well

So many ideas, 

                       so little time

Build Relationships...Illuminate Discovery...Generate Expression

200 Kids (7 lines/7 Days #14)

 #108Weeks

August 16-22, 2020

"The future -- any future -- depends on our understanding the true value of the good reader, and the role of deep reading in how we live out our lives." (Maryann Wolf)

We can't check out books to the kids, so I am purging old ones and will give them away for free. Best compromise I have, and still puts books in their hands.

I have really done a lot of good work on being calm and clear in my purpose. At the same time I need to stay aware of the dangers.

Despite it all, I am happy and feeling productive and my body is a good kind of tired. I needed this.

The acronym I created a couple of years ago applies to everything!

BR -- Build Relationships

ID -- Illuminate Discovery

GE -- Generate Expression

"Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better." (Albert Camus)

Got my rosters. 200 kids!

"There's a Rainbow in the Sky"

Many, many inspirations today.

Began with this photo:

Continued with Joy Harjo's poem "In Praise of Earth," these lines in particular:

And this Earth keeps faithfully to her journey, carrying us around the Sun,

All of us in our rags and riches, our rages and promises, small talk and suffering...

I wrote:

Everything has become fodder for

writing, a spark point. There is 

a multi-dimensional aspect and

depth to uncover in everything I read.

In a time of great disparity, suffering,

loneliness, and rage,

my mind pierces the possible.

I am highly aware

that the promised moment

from many years ago

has come, when I saw, 

during a shamanic journey,

the rainbow, heard the words

 "You're the great integrator."

And today I was taken by the breathtaking

photo of a rainbow over Chicago.

I've received the sign of hope and renewal.

The painting in the sky.

This is for me.

I accept the challenge.

Then, this poem I read every day took on deeper meaning:

Cut brambles long enough,

Sprout after sprout,

And the lotus will bloom

Of its own accord:

Already waiting in the clearing,

The single image of light.

The day you see this,

That day you will become it.

~Sun Bu-er~

I saw the rainbow.

The image of light.

And it was me.

"My life is full of color here

My mind is clear."

Walking in a Different Direction Part Two: Lakes Park

Today I finally did it. I pulled myself out of the house, into the absolutely perfect Florida May weather, and took a walk at Lakes Park. I know I have not been there in a long time, and I went with the purpose to do my usual loop through the woods.

Lone Palm Morning

I expected the usual Sunday crowd, but the people were few and far between. The pavilions and play areas are roped off, the exercise equipment fenced off, and the picnic tables overturned.


When I got there I changed my idea of where I wanted to walk. I decided to walk around the lake, rather than go into the wooded area. Very quickly I realized something -- when I have walked around the lake, I tend to start in the same place and walk in the opposite direction than I was walking this morning. And as I wrote about a few weeks ago, I was seeing a lot of things I haven't noticed before, getting glimpses of photo opportunities I rarely see.

Ibis Island

Walking Toward the Rising Sun

I had made up my mind just to walk and listen and watch. What I witnessed was a wildlife that is getting used to fewer humans. I could feel the lack of human dominance I usually associate with the park. (And that is with good reason: it's a wonderful park!)

One instance of this was a Little Green Heron that looked like it was going to walk across the path I was walking. I never see Herons doing that there, let alone the elusive Little Green. I trained my camera on him, but he stopped and eventually flew off.

Anhinga Rock

I took a few more pictures, then headed home with my sun roof open. The radio played a song that made me cry: Jerry Salley's "I Want to Thank You." It made me think about all the people in my life who encourage my faith and belief in myself and the goodness of the world.  It was a perfect way to begin my day.

Great Blue Heron Detail

Great Blue Heron Wide View

16. (More Than) One Plastic Bag

#64Challenge

Getting ready to experience the Global Read Aloud with the book The Bridge Home has made me seek out a number of different ideas. When the whole world is planning to teach the same unit, you would be absolutely amazed at the resources pulled together.

Today I had an open space with my 8th period I could have filled with something else. But I felt that their commitment to getting their work done and being such a great class deserved a little something extra. This is where the book One Plastic Bag came in, a picture book recommended to go with The Bridge Home.

One Plastic Bag is about a group of women in Gambia who figured out a way to use the plastic bags that were littering the landscape. They created out a way to spool them in strips and crochet them into little purses. It changed their lives and the environment. (See the purses here)

We read the book together, learning a few cool words along the way, and then I pulled out the activity. Let's make a jump rope from plastic bags.

I had brought all the bags I had from home. I ran a video explanation. And the kids took it from there. In no time at all, we had a usable jump rope. I even had yearbook come to take some pictures while they worked.

Everyone pitched in on the effort. Check out the photos!

Build a Bridge

Here I am again, the beginning of a new year, and the mid-way point of the school year.  It is always a time to assess, to dig out what has been forgotten but needed, and to leave behind what is not working. This has been an on-again, off-again activity this break, as usual, and I'm here to report my progress and aim.

It began in earnest when I heard this song for the first time, even though it is at least a year old:

Upon hearing Mavis sing, I immediately knew that "building bridges" will be my focus for the coming year. This is needed as I'm  coming off a semester where many student conflicts affected what I was able to accomplish in the classroom, and the student surveys helped point the way to how we should proceed.

Part of what I have decided is to have the reading classes create mission statements of six words. It is time we came together around a common theme, and it can't be mine. But then, I knew I also needed a mission statement of my own: six words that will point the way to exactly what I should be doing every day. I already know a relaxed environment yields higher rewards, and it is up to me to make that happen.

I tinkered around with words and ideas for a few days, and today I hit on it: use the word BRIDGE as an acrostic. It flowed right out after that:

Building
    Relationships
Illuminating
    Discovery
Generating
    Expression

I made a list of what activities go into each category. Examples:

Building relationships: discussions, mindfulness & kindness practices, partnering and teaming up.

Illuminating discovery:  observation, creating questions, mentor text sequence, analyzing, most important word, tension of opposites, higher level questions

Generating expression: writing activities like carousel, write-arounds, letters, found poems, charts, tweets, distributive summaries, reflections, pluses & deltas, along with mind maps, one pagers, slideshows, using new words, students as teachers

And as I was preparing this blog, I realized I could have "Build a Bridge" time, where they can just converse with others in the room as the song plays.  This was actually a request by one class, begging for just a little time to talk to each other at the beginning of class. It would give the activity a name and a purpose.

I'm sure the ideas will keep coming, and I'm aware only so much will get done. It's a start. It has possibilities. It's a new year!