Pic Collage 1985-87

 

COMMITMENT

This is one of my favorite pictures of us. In April 1985, Jim and his boss had a business trip to Miami, and I was invited along. (So was the boss’s mistress Kim, who lived in D.C.) We stayed at Turnberry Isle resort, a place for the rich and famous. It was an extended weekend and we had a blast. While the guys were doing business, Kim and I went to the spa where Gloria Vanderbilt and her entourage happened to be. We golfed at their exclusive club. In the evenings we did things like the fancy dinners, dog races, a ride through South Beach, which was just starting to be revitalized, and a trip to Joe’s Stone Crab. This photo was taken on our last night there. We had been together three years at this point, and were fully committed to our love.

GROWTH

This photo was taken a short time before we got married on August 15, 1986. The Cuyahoga River runs through downtown Cleveland, and the area behind Jim is called The Flats. This area was just beginning to be revitalized into an entertainment location, old factories turned into bars and nightclubs and restaurants. It was a time of growth for Cleveland, and in our relationship.

FREEDOM

In July 1987, we went to Atlanta for Jim’s sister’s wedding on a Friday evening. Both she and her new husband owned boats, which were docked on Lake Lenoir. Family members were invited to use the boats the next day, where we sailed around, stopped at an island for a picnic, and in general had a blast. I felt this picture of Jim represents the free feeling of being on the water, no obligations, just having a good time.

“Shrinking” Pain

Last night, I watched the first two episodes of the second season of the Apple TV show Shrinking. It’s a terrific show with a great cast, including Harrison Ford.

The show features an army vet with PTSD named Sean. Harrison Ford plays a therapist named Paul and he starts treating Sean. This is where it got interesting to me. Sean was having a hard time with a potential problem he saw coming up. Paul told him that when this happens he is to close his eyes and take himself through the absolute worst case scenario, saying the words out loud, and that he is to do this until he bursts into the light and is able to say PAIN SETS ME FREE.

As I was listening to this last night, and watching how Sean put it into action, I thought “This is something I really need to remember.” Yesterday I was having a hard time with really crappy memories coming up, feeling some trauma again, and actually not looking forward to the future. I had not been feeling that way, so it was a little disheartening. But this little segment showed me that perhaps I just need to walk my way through those times, and feel the pain that goes with it rather than avoiding it, which was probably what I was doing yesterday. I can free myself from the pain I’m holding in and doing my best to ignore.

I’m documenting this here, hopefully so I won’t forget.

If you have Apple TV, I highly recommend the show Shrinking.

[ADDENDUM] Within an hour of posting this I recognized I needed to use it. Let me tell you…it works.  Lots of tears, but lots of comfort, too.

The Green Notebook

I’ve been revisiting a notebook I bought before attending and presenting at the ASCD conference in Orlando in June 2019. My teacher friends and I presented a workshop on found poetry, an experience that was one of the best in my professional career.

I’ve come to regard 2019 as a golden age of my teaching. At the time, I felt like I was getting a true grip on who I was as a teacher, and had clarity on how to best use classroom time to reach my learners in creative ways. I was teaching intensive readers using a curriculum developed by National Geographic, and I was teaching my own originally designed courses in creative writing and speech & debate. Everything had clicked into place.

In early 2020, I was having the absolute best semester of my life. I could feel the vibe in the classroom was positive, kids were learning and taking risks. We were alive with possibilities.

Then the shutdown came.

And nothing has been the same.

So much of what I documented as good teaching and learning in my green notebook was useless to me when we had to go online and everything became about reaching remote learners. And as kids returned, and the years went on, it was evident much had changed. Behaviors were different. Our schedule changed, and I lost the courses I had designed. I was given an intensive curriculum that was dead in the water, no matter how much I tried to breathe life into it (Read 180). I was also teaching a higher level research course out of Cambridge University, which I eventually could see was lacking in many ways.

By last year at this time, I was ready to flee. I made serious steps to leave my school. I didn’t, and along the way I was released from Read 180 and given a section of creative writing. The Cambridge course was no longer just for high end students, which caused a whole new learning curve for me. I still had intensive reading, but at least it had decent literature (Dickinson, Wordsworth, Dylan Thomas) and I felt I could be a bit more creative and get somewhere. On top of that, my husband received a devastating diagnosis in January, and my time to teach was reduced. I am lucky to have made it to the end of the year in one piece, frankly.

My final year beckons, and I have decided it is time to return to the golden age and make it real again. I’m finding my green notebook has a blueprint for some really great stuff, some I have used before, some I have not. I have some autonomy, and where I don’t I’m taking it anyway. I have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing it my way. 

I had wonderful conversations over the weekend with teacher friends, and I feel smart, strong, fearless, and resilient. Who knew when I purchased this notebook at Target five years ago (I actually remember choosing this one over others), that the words on the cover and the words inside would be coming alive in me today? 

In June 2019 none of us had any idea things could go so awry. Now that I know, I realize the importance of moving forward in ways that work. My learners deserve no less from me, and I will be prepared.

ADDENDUM

After I published this essay, a meme came up on my FB feed that went with it, and I had to add this here. It’s a good reminder to stay the course I’ve decided on, so a year from now I can be smiling and thankful I did what I knew had to be done.

Full Ocean You

 A caboose poem, using the last line of Mary Oliver’s essay “Ropes” as the first line of my poem.

Break the ropes that are holding you

The ones that tell you to resist

The ones that tell you not to trust your intuition

Break the ropes of the way you fall into routine habits that don’t serve

The fight inside against the world you see

Understand it’s all perception

Change your view!

Break the ropes tying you to the false safety of the shore

And become full ocean you

52. Kintsugi (Gold-Filled)

 #66Challenge

 

Written on 4/22/2022, inspired by this line from the poem "Plate" by Al Zolynas:

 My life is simple

and full of surrender 

 

 

I have surrendered to knowing

that the only thing that

works as a teacher is to

teach in a way that works

for me.

Here is where I stand firm.

You want to dictate

to form my ways

to make me feel

like I don't know what

I'm doing.

You broke me once,

    but the gold filled in

    and now I'm strong

    in the weak spot.

Makes life so much simpler, 

to surrender to what God wants me to be:

whole, healed, and free.

35. Benefits

#66Challenge

I've tried to remember what I read in Alfie Kohn's book, the thing that made me think consequences weren't helpful. I must use discretion. Because between blocking all the errant web addresses and more clear and structured action, I feel stronger and everything is better.

I allow myself to remember they are kids.

Alfie said to ask Who benefits? And sometimes the class has benefited by removing someone. In other words, I'm seeing more clearly and feel more in control, yet can allow for some freedom.

Took long enough.

31. Survey

#66Challenge

The district sent out a survey, and asked for our honest statements for them, our school, our principal.

My responses:

Stop micromanaging!

The curriculum is not relevant to my students.

Get rid of the 12 period schedule. Go back to 10. It was perfect.

Quit saying "we're getting back to normal." Nothing is normal, and the old normal wasn't that great. Can't we do better?