Writing on the Wall (7 Lines/7 Days #76)

 #108Weeks

October 24-30, 2021

 

 

 

 

 

I abandon hope

I am fearless

In survival mode

Physically drained

Barely making it through the day

Demoralized

The writing is on the wall

 

Flying Blind (7 Lines/7 Days #51)

 #108Weeks

 

May 2-8, 2021 

 

Now and then I find myself back against the wall
With everything in front of me that I can't see at all

Sanibel Island Writer's Conference will be virtual again this year. I miss those November days on the island, indulging in writing, good food, and friends. It was always the best weekend of the year.

I'm deep into planning for the rest of the year. Just trying to make it all work.

I choose clarity over fear.

It's great witnessing an increase in confidence in one of my students. This is one I caught cheating. He found out he didn't have to which is proof again: All things work together for good.

Starting a research project using found poetry as a way to investigate the subject is working like a charm!

5th period bought in to a class book club. Can't deny the enthusiasm.

Refuse to struggle. Ye Tang Che

 

And now Sheryl Crow and James Taylor sing for you.

Lyrics (Written by Chris Stapleton and Sheryl Crow)

A Bit More Light

I am slipping into a quiet place

Tracing my feelings like a finger on frosty glass

Piling up my prayers for a broken world

Strolling through my thoughts and letting them rest

Dissolving into the day's activities with an open and listening heart

Emerging at some point, when the time is right, 

when I have found a bit more light. 

Elements (7/7 #2)

#108Weeks

May 24-30, 2020

 
What does it mean to be free?

The Dharma contains the elements that make up life.

More than ever, I can see how I integrate parts into a whole.

I've come a long way from the fear, agitation, and roller coaster of emotions I was feeling for weeks.

"Release the struggle" -- a new mantra.

The point is to be flexible.

I am satisfied All will be well.

53. Ye Tang Che

#64Challenge

The first month of virtual teaching has been so darn stressful. I never wanted to go back to being a "first year teacher" but man, that is how it has been feeling.

The intense pressure to get it right, the missteps, the changing requirements, the frustrations, the exhausting Zoom meetings, the changing requirements, and oh yeah, did I mention the changing requirements?

I know, I know...we haven't done this before, everyone is figuring it out, blah blah blah.

By last weekend I was TOTALLY FED UP.  I was COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED.  So much so, I couldn't even enjoy my weekend. I kept falling into dark pools of tears, unable to lift myself out.

By Sunday, when I wrote ANOTHER depressing poem, my friend Laurie suggested I do something creative. I didn't feel like I had a creative bone in my body. But what I did have was a notebook, an array of colorful fountain pens, and my personal lifesaving device: Chapter 7 of Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.

I could read. I could make notes. I could doodle. Color always feels creative to me, so yeah, I'm was being creative.

But mostly it was the message I needed to hear from this wise work. Abandon Hope. Be Fearless.

It was easy to see what was bringing me down. It was my HOPE THAT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER.  The hope that I'D FINALLY FIGURE IT OUT.  The hope that OTHERS WOULD UNDERSTAND MY PLIGHT.

Guess what? Everyone else is feeling the same way. How are they going to save ME?

Pema says, We're all addicted to hope -- hope that doubt and mystery will go away. Abandon hope.

This upsets people. They don't want to hear it. In fact, I posted "Ye Tang Che" on Facebook and got "friendly" comments that I can't give up hope, blah blah...as if I was suicidal.

Ye Tang Che is the opposite of suicidal.

It is facing the realities we live with. The reality of who WE are. The reality that WE DON'T KNOW.

We can't escape that. Or ourselves. Hope that we can is what leaves us COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED.

Did I mention the title of this particular chapter in Pema's book is entitled "Hopelessness and Death."

The title alone would scare anyone away. But Pema promises early on:

If we're willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, 

then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation. 

This is the first step on the path.

So, I decided to take the step. The step into Ye Tang Che. The step that does not include any ground under my feet.

I made a list for what I'd do Monday. A doable list. A list of things I know how to do. And I told myself -- just this, and nothing more. And I did the same for each day of the week.

I didn't look to anyone else to solve my problems. Or prop me up. Or make me feel like I'm doing it "right."

When something frustrated me -- I just bore witness. I would think, hmmm, I don't agree with that, but there it is.

I became a constant observer of myself. I made sure I got out of my chair. I looked and listened and followed through and ignored the dumb stuff.

Pema says that Hope and Fear are two sides of the same coin. Boy, don't I know THAT!

The steps I took this week has helped me lose the fear I was experiencing. The fear that I wasn't good enough, that I couldn't do this, that I was not doing as well as others, that this is never going to end.

Pema suggests we abandon hope to become fearless.

Now I am just letting the mystery be. I'm letting the doubt be. I'm observing. I'm listening. I'm not attaching myself to any wish list or certain outcome.

Years ago I made these for my team at Lehigh when we were going through a tough school year:

These four words are all I need right now. We have 4-5 weeks left, and with Ye Tang Che as my guide, I will not only make it through, I will survive AND know more about myself and getting through a difficult time than I ever thought possible.

There is a gift here. And it will serve me.