Meeting in Punta Gorda: a nonet

 

Seeing each other after three years

Three not so easy years, but this

meeting again, time collapsed

There was joy and laughter

and plenty of tears

We have Common

Boundary

Deep ties

Love

Go Kamala!

 

The day is finally here. Election Day 2024.

I have faith the Harris-Walz ticket will prevail.

This campaign season has been intertwined with the events in my life.

I was in the hospital from the car accident when the June debate took place.

I was visiting Jim at Gulf Coast when a nurse came in with the news Biden was dropping out.

I was recovering from surgery when the Democratic National Convention happened, and I watched the three joyful nights in my hospital room.

The night in September when Harris slayed her opponent in the debate was when I was recovering from the second surgery.

And since then I’ve watched many rallies and interviews and have kept the faith that good will win. That the American experiment will continue.

Likewise, I am still healing from all my traumas this year, and I know that I am moving forward and am in the process of figuring out a new life for myself. My own experiment! 

I go forward with optimism, trust, and joy.

Here are Kamala’s words from her last speech in Philadelphia. On this day, I want to reinforce she is the leader we are ready for in this moment:

Hospital Day 10

 I am going crazy here without my journal.  I had considered having my neighbor bring it in, but didn’t feel like there was anywhere good to keep it. I had her bring me pads of papers and pens, but have yet to try them. Since she did bring my iPad, I thought I’d come straight here.

The point here is not to rehash everything. All of this is beyond my mind to even comprehend. I am forced into the moment because these previous days have been tough, and the future is terrifying in so many ways, I dare not go there.

Jim and I feel like we are hanging on by a string together. I told him last night I just know we will have a chance to hold each others’ hands again. Could God have brought us all this way together just to drop us in a lonely sea? I think not.

A chaplain who saw Jim came to see me. He didn’t have much to say, but he did recite my favorite quote:

All will be well

And all will be well

In all manner of things will be well

I colored these bright flowers today. Sunflowers have been a guiding light to me for many years. They remind me that joy is always at hand. That when we are together we are more powerful. That we can stand tall and strong. And turning our face to the sun, our beautiful source, is a necessary spiritual ritual every day.

Staying Afloat

The Democratic National Convention saved me this week. I watched every night but Monday, and thoroughly enjoyed the energy, enthusiasm, vibes, music, and message. It helped me stay afloat in a sea of darkness, my health once more at issue, and distance from my husband greater.

This is a photo from The New York Times, and it made me think…this is for all the girls of color I’ve taught through the years. It’s time we embraced diversity and a country that reflects the reality of the people who live here. There will never be true unity without it. 

This is the moment.

Thank you, Dems, for keeping my spirits lifted and alive.

Joy Rushed in

Journal entry 8.8.24

Accept this cup that is offered every second. —Rumi

Yesterday—whew

Saying goodbye to Scott and Braydon was an occasion for lots of tears.

Then my counseling session.

Then to Ambassador where Jim’s blood oxygen was still low.

Then talking with my substitute John about curriculum, and setting some things up for him.

Exhausting. I needed a nap.

But instead I went back to Ambassador. I saw the doc. She saw Jim and ordered some tests.

My stomach began to hurt.

I had not been taking care of myself, or listening to the signals.

Jim said, GO HOME.

I did that. I rested. I got a phone call from someone I really needed to talk to.

That was a turning point.

Suddenly I felt much better.

I watched Kamala and Tim from the Wisconsin rally.

This political season will forever be wrapped up with this crazy summer of heaps of health issues.

I talk about joy a lot here, but lately it felt like something elusive and out of reach.

Yesterday, I decided just to cherish the day.

And then joy rushed in.

Suddenly everything just felt okay. I can’t even explain it.

This quote says it all:

There’s a word I have forgotten.

TRUST.

I can see so much of my angst was relating to not trusting.

So…I understand the assignment.

Try again!

Where is Joy?

 Despair treats you like an anonymous nobody.

Joy calls you by name.

—Connie Schultz—

Where is joy?

It’s in the moments I let things be what they are.

Even if my heart is breaking.

Am I looking at reality?

Or am I giving up too soon?

I wish I knew.

Bring Joy (acrostic)

 

Bringing joy is my job now

Reflecting the goodness that is always within grasp

It is easy to get down when faced with reality

Not something that is easily overcome

Getting the right state of mind is essential

Joy can be generated and shared

On this rainy, windy day I will smile and surpass

Yesterday’s blues —Joy is here.

Choose Joy

Today is one month since my accident.

My attention was drawn to something that has been sitting on my dining room table along with all the other items Margie and Paul got out of my wrecked car.

This magnet sat on the back of my silver Tucson. I’d make note of it every time I was loading groceries, or I came out of my classroom at the end of a long day.

One month ago, this magnet on the back of my car was the last thing I saw out the back window of the ambulance as I was carried to a world unknown and unplanned.

These past 30 days have been a continuing lesson in choosing joy. It seems the lesson can never be learned deeply enough.

That Moment the Perfect Song Comes On

I’m in the kitchen making shrimp and setting up coffee

It’s Friday evening after a tough week

So many dead ends and roadblocks

My husband in the hospital

I’m listening to what Apple Music calls

“Helen’s Station”

A curation of songs based on my listening habits

And Stevie Wonder’s song

“Don’t You Worry ‘Bout a Thing”

Began to play

And I felt small movements in my injured body

And I began to sing along, happily

Honestly one of the best moments of the week

And happiest

Even though I was alone

It is astounding to think Stevie was all of 

23-years-old when he released the Innervisions

Album in August 1973

It is funky, inspiring, political, and spiritual

Every single song its own tiny masterpiece

Apple named it in Top 100 of all time

And rightfully so

I have used songs from it over the years in the classroom

Because when it comes to musical artists

I always want my kids to know Stevie Wonder

This music has been with me for over fifty years

And today one song made a huge impact 

Because it truly was the message I needed to hear

And so damn JOYFUL!

 

Owned

I have absolutely no time to write today. Heading to the hospital in a bit. And nothing was presenting itself, anyway.

Then in FB memories, this popped up (click on image to read):

To say I’m being owned by the journey is an understatement. I cannot count all the times I cried today, including when trying to secure a doc appointment and they made excuses why they can’t see me. My tears got me an appointment.

I seriously did not know our healthcare system was this effed up.

Also in FB memories are pictures of travels Jim and I took over the years. It’s making me nostalgic and sad, but happy, too. They are great memories.

Off to journey through this day. Can’t promise there won’t be tears, but I’m still riding on faith, hope, and joy every time I can remember. I feel the prayer wind of people everywhere praying for us. I just got to keep in mind these days won’t last forever.

Joy, Grief, Anger

 Recently I decided to get some stuff out of the guest room closet I knew I didn't need. I came across this framed quote:

I knew I should remember who said this, but I had to search it up. It was Julian of Norwich.

In case you don't know her, this is a general description: Julian of Norwich (1342-c.1416) is known to us almost only through her book, The Revelations of Divine Love, which is widely acknowledged as one of the great classics of the spiritual life. She is thought to have been the first woman to write a book in English which has survived.

She is quoted most often for her comforting words: All will be well, all will be well, in all manner of things will be well.

I  have been reading the framed quote aloud to myself since I discovered it. I do it to remind myself that all is, indeed, well in the general scheme of things. But, of course, I'm not exactly feeling that.

Here is a journal entry I wrote.

**

Today I had quite a journey while doing my daily reading/journaling. It began when I was reading Parker Palmer's essay called "Confessing My Complicity." Here is my entry for today:

I haven't finished reading yet but BAM -- these words hit:

Anger isn't the problem. The problem is getting hooked on anger -- addicted to an emotion that gives you a fleeting high but leaves you feeling worse, all the while robbing you of well-being and creating desire for the next hit. Being hooked saps me of energy and harms my health...it diverts me from taking personal responsibility for what is going on right now.

I had all the signs that anger was lurking and I ignored them. Yesterday it evolved into a crying jag and yelling and giving in to my deepest fears.

And to what end? Only felt a little better, but doubt it actually helped.

I AM ANGRY JIM IS ILL.

Yes, I am. I never say that, do I?

I AM ANGRY MY LIFE IS CHANGING IN WAYS I CAN'T CONTROL.

I AM ANGRY THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO ATTEND TO ALL THE TIME AND I AM NOW ON MY OWN WITH THEM.

I AM ANGRY ABOUT WHAT IS COMING NEXT SCHOOL YEAR.

I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR LOSING FAITH, FOR NOT BELIEVING IN MIRACLES.

~~~~Phew~~~~

Yesterday two things came up in Facebook memories I needed. One was a quote from Carlos Santana:

If you believe in gravity and drop something a hundred times, a hundred times it's going to fall. But if you believe in grace as you believe in gravity, then a hundred out of a hundred times you're going to get a miracle.

It was followed up by this quote from Regina Brett:

Don't give up before the miracle as there may be more than one.

I read more Parker and he included a quote from Valarie Kaur (founder of the Revolutionary Love Project):

Joy is the gift of love. Grief is the price of love. Anger is the force that protects that which is loved.

This! I have focused on joy and I've acknowledged grief, but I have not allowed anger to show me its force.

I FEEL PROTECTIVE.

Getting Jim safely places. Keeping myself safe so I am there for him. Running interference on procedures and appointments. Keeping everything in the house we need. And secretly being terrified about another hurricane. How can I keep him safe?

I AM ANGRY THIS HAS HAPPENED TO HIM!

And this is why Julian keeps showing up. She is the one who said it's harder to see a loved one suffering than to suffer yourself.

I had pulled out my Julian meditation book yesterday, and now I pulled out her classic Revelations of Love. I feel it is time to read it -- perhaps all the way through. 

Thinking of this further, I can see that while school was on I could shift my anger to stuff there. I didn't have to confront it here at home. That is why these past two weeks have felt so difficult -- this anger was floating around and I didn't have a place for it.

After journaling, I spoke with Jim about this. We figured out a couple small things together and agreed that the last four years have been a barrage of devastating events: Jim's stroke, the pandemic, his eye issue that resulted in blindness, his brother Doug passing, his son Dan passing, the two cancer diagnoses and subsequent treatments, Hurricane Ian, the cancer and COPD diagnoses, and the loss of his son Wayne.

And that leads me back to Valarie's words:

Joy is the gift of love.

Grief is the price of love.

Anger is the force that protects that which is loved.

Use it wisely!

Voice (acrostic)

Vessels of kindness and

Openings of joy and connection

I look for these each day

Caring for others needs priority

Every generous action uplifted

A Little Joy

I didn’t have an idea for writing this morning. Now it’s after 5 pm, and I know I have got to do this now before I grow any more tired.

Here are a few joyful moments from today:

My intensive reader didn’t do well on a small assessment, but when I looked deeper I had an epiphany about what I need to teach them to do.

I saw a Swallowtail Kite sailing over our school when I was on one of the outdoor walkways.

Last week I shared a poem written by one of my students. Today I gave her a journal and some colorful pens so she can keep writing. Then she emailed and thanked me, and ask that I send her some prompts. I found a long list for middle schoolers for her, and emailed it back.

I have my first nearly ready presentation in Global Perspectives. These 2 girls have worked very hard on their project related to asylum seekers, and will be presenting it as an interview. I watched them practice today, and was impressed. They took my feedback and got right back to work. 

We have been having trouble getting a portable oxygen unit for Jim. He has severe COPD, and the doctor put the order in. But unlike other prescriptions, the people providing the oxygen make the final decision on whether you get it or not. (Totally insane.) The pulmonologist’s assistant got involved, and we may be able to secure something more workable than we have now. It’s not ideal, but it will have to do. I am grateful to those who have tried to help us. Carting those metal tanks up and down the stairs and in and out of the car is an ongoing safety issue.

I was able to enjoy my 6th grade Global Perspectives students. I let myself relax with them, and they played Quizlet Live. They had fun, and I witnessed them learning and teaching each other. I vowed to have more classes like this one.

I am grateful for a four day weekend! 🧡🩵💚🩷

Sharing a couple of Swallowtail pics my friend Debbie took in her neighborhood.

Post-Ian 10.14.22 "At Dawn"

 

I sit quietly

before dawn

clock pendulum swings

I have been remiss

in writing her for days.

Highly unusual.

I find myself stressing

when what I need to do

is meditate

get a grip

focus on JOY

and GOODNESS

and DIVINE ORDER

which is hard in a world

blown to pieces

There is no setting in.

There is only riding the wave.

6:25 a.m. 10.14.22

Inspired by "At Dawn, Sitting at My Father's House" by Elizabeth Cook-Lynn

66. Hidden Wholeness

 #66Challenge

This is my final piece of writing for the #66Challenge, and what a wild ride it has been.

I have thought long and hard about what to write here. After taking the time to read back through all my entries, I thought I knew what I wanted to write about. It wasn't the happiest way to end this, but it felt necessary.

And that is this: Every school year, I come in with a plan of how I am going to address things like classroom procedures, design, and environment. But beginning in 2020, that became impossible, since everything was so crazy and up in the air. I had to fly by the seat of my pants, along with all the other teachers, just trying to figure everything out.

In 2021, the summer was very short, and I took two vacations with the expressed attitude that I would make no plans since I am teaching a new program and a new curriculum, they can tell me what to do. I gave it no thought.

What I wasn't prepared for was the lack of training and materials that would be coming my way. I was caught up short having relied on others. Just like the year before, it took months to figure out the best way to go. Little by little, things fell into place. And I finished the year on a real high, feeling like I had accomplished more than ever with my learners, and came through my darkest time as a teacher.  

I never got around to writing this piece. And then on Wednesday, two things I read synchronized, and I knew I had more to add.

It began with Parker J. Palmer in his essay* "Hidden Wholeness in a Broken World." He said:

As long as we're wedded to results, we'll take on smaller and smaller tasks, the only ones that yield results. If we want to live by values like love, truth, and justice -- values that will never be fully achieved -- "faithfulness" is the only standard that will do. When I die, I won't be asking about the bottom line. I'll be asking if I was faithful to my gifts, to the needs I saw around me, and to the ways I engaged those needs with my gifts -- faithful, that is, to the value, rightness, and truth of offering the world the best I had, the best I could give.

I knew this was it! I had spent a lot of time concerned about the "numbers" and totally missing what was most important in education -- time to BE with each other.

It speaks directly to where I have aimed myself for next school year, where my learners pointed me. We knew there was value in the reading program, but the kids asked for less of it. And I knew that they had not had enough time to work together, to speak to each other, to form the bonds in the room we needed. This lack of balance of other activities had left us all wanting, and was a disservice to them. And ultimately to me as well. 

By not planning to be the teacher I knew I could be from the start, I never really was able to fully recapture it. Once you're in the throes of the school year, it's hard to see everything you need to see.

My decision is to bring my loves to the forefront immediately--music and fishbowl discussions and less talk, more action. I will need patience and clear directives as we build relational trust, but, oh, the possibilities!

I am determined to bring the "hidden wholeness" to the forefront through right action. Palmer suggests helping people find the things they really want to do, not force them to do things they don't want to do. I can do this through focusing on developing good habits, taught through clear structures and protocols, and giving the learners a lot of choices in the what we do together in the classroom. Give them plenty of interaction time. Mostly, I want to have fun over and over as I watch them learn and interact and grow as readers and writers and speakers.

Then I read a short piece from Joy Harjo, and it coincided directly with what I had just read and wrote about from Parker Palmer. I wrote a short poem from it, and that is where I will leave this. I've done enough talking about my direction. Now I'm actively working on putting things in place. And I couldn't be happier!

What was known in both worlds broke. In jazz, a break takes you to the skinned-down bones. You stop for a moment and bop through the opening, then keep playing to the other side of the dark and heavy history.

 

I keep witnessing the breaks

in the world

all the goodness which

sometimes seems to have completely

disappeared.

But then I bop through it,

knowing only I can bring

faithfulness to my reason 

for being, that I have my

role to play (and others

have theirs)

This is the music

I bring to illusion

This is the hidden wholeness

of wisdom beyond.

 

 *From page 71 his book On the Brink of Everything:Grace, Gravity & Getting Old (2018)

**From page 105 from her collection Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings (2015)

62. Perfect Song

 #66Challenge

 

Today I found this line from Joy Harjo in her poetry collection Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings:

What kept me going was that perfect song I kept hearing, just beyond the field of perceptible sound.

 

I related so well, I immediately wrote this:

 

Coming down off the most difficult

and rewarding school year ever,

I read Joy's words and I know

that this is true for me -- that I

kept hearing a "perfect song" off

in the distance, and I knew it

was for me...I knew I would

eventually capture the lyrics enough

to make them come alive inside, 

then through joy and playfulness

and creativity and love, that song

would become a full reality on the 

outside and spur me on in ways I have 

attempted in the past, but never achieved.

 

And now I know the day has come.

And I am grateful for the struggle.

 

Like everything in life: grieve, release, begin anew. 

33. Creative Writing Club, February Edition

#66Challenge

Four people showed up.

I introduced found poems and color tiles.

We spent the entire time deep into our own creativity.

This is William's color tile poem, which for some reason won't post clearly. Poem itself is below.

today

warm day

imagine elephants

tiptoed out

slowly and heavily

agile as the sparrows

At the moment

good companions

distant strangers

narrow passages

Love & Faith & Joy (7 Lines/7 Days #84)

 #108Weeks

December 19-25, 2021

I've been revising my reading goals for 2022, and liking the direction.

I came face-to-face with the fact that I need a major mental adjustment.

Atomic Habits by James Clear is helping me make small changes to get my physical strength back in a manageable way.

On Solstice Day I wrote this: I commit more fully to the life I know I can live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy.  I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all -- every ugly and beautiful moment, encounter, and feeling -- as TEACHER.

I must continue to look at each moment with love and faith and joy. I'm calling it WILD JOY.

Progress, not perfection.

Have faith and be the change!

Wild Joy on a Christmas Morning

 I dedicate my life going forward to Wild Joy. 

Great Blue Heron greets me

Tide Tracks

Standing Tall in the Sun

My Path to the Prayer Point

Reflecting on Aging

Be the Joy (7 Lines/ 7 Days #78)

 #108Weeks

November 7-13, 2021

 

 

There is a way, and it's called Surrender to God.

I spent most of the week with little energy.

This quote from a young adult novel* I was reading stopped me in my tracks: What if the whole world is actually powered by secret rage?

My spiritual landscape has been made anew.

I have faith I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I read an essay** by an elementary educator in Alaska and she came to the same conclusion I have come to: We must be the joy we want to see in the world. No one is coming to save us.

Saturday I woke with a return of my energy. I am grateful.

 

 

* Of a Feather by Dayna Lorentz 

**Anyone who knows or cares about teachers should read this blog post: https://jenabenton.com/2021/10/21/its-time-to-talk-about-whats-going-on-in-school/