Linda Lavin and Jimmy, too

Yesterday was a double whammy for those of us who were adults in the 1970s.  Two American institutions have left the planet. Although they circled in different spheres, somehow they have been ever present in my life for fifty years.

Jimmy Carter was the first president I ever voted for in the Bicentennial year of 1976. His legacy is well-known, so no need to go into it here. Suffice to say I always admired the heck out of him and his wife.

Linda Lavin became popular in a show called Alice based on a movie called Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, one of the first movies that saw women as whole human beings. I remember seeing it at the theater and it was different than anything else I’d ever seen. She had a never-ending career, even as she aged. It says a lot about her as an actor and a person.

When I heard Jimmy had died, well, no surprise. He was 100-years-old and had been in hospice care for over two years.

When I heard Linda died, I wasn’t surprised because I knew she had to be up there in years. (She was 87.) 

But my first thought was that I won’t get to see her in season 2 of the Netflix show No Good Deed. The show itself is a mini-masterpiece, and Linda had a small part as a nosy neighbor. Even though the part isn’t regular, she gave the character strong presence and purpose when she did show up. She held the secrets of the neighborhood. The fact that I thought of this immediately gives testament to two things: the utter brilliance of the show, and the fact that Linda Lavin was the perfect choice to play Phyllis Adelman. 

RIP to two American legends. We are grateful for your contributions to our lives.

Pic Collage 1985-87

 

COMMITMENT

This is one of my favorite pictures of us. In April 1985, Jim and his boss had a business trip to Miami, and I was invited along. (So was the boss’s mistress Kim, who lived in D.C.) We stayed at Turnberry Isle resort, a place for the rich and famous. It was an extended weekend and we had a blast. While the guys were doing business, Kim and I went to the spa where Gloria Vanderbilt and her entourage happened to be. We golfed at their exclusive club. In the evenings we did things like the fancy dinners, dog races, a ride through South Beach, which was just starting to be revitalized, and a trip to Joe’s Stone Crab. This photo was taken on our last night there. We had been together three years at this point, and were fully committed to our love.

GROWTH

This photo was taken a short time before we got married on August 15, 1986. The Cuyahoga River runs through downtown Cleveland, and the area behind Jim is called The Flats. This area was just beginning to be revitalized into an entertainment location, old factories turned into bars and nightclubs and restaurants. It was a time of growth for Cleveland, and in our relationship.

FREEDOM

In July 1987, we went to Atlanta for Jim’s sister’s wedding on a Friday evening. Both she and her new husband owned boats, which were docked on Lake Lenoir. Family members were invited to use the boats the next day, where we sailed around, stopped at an island for a picnic, and in general had a blast. I felt this picture of Jim represents the free feeling of being on the water, no obligations, just having a good time.

Taking Care of Myself

I’m tired today!

The last two days I’ve expended a ton of energy on details. I met with our estate attorney and  I spent a ton of time canceling Jim’s credit cards and changing billing information on a several websites. I filled out paperwork and, in general, I felt pretty accomplished.

It has caught up to me today. I’m fried.

When I get up the first thing I do is read a chapter in the grief book a friend gave me. Today it was on taking care of myself.

That is my aim today.

1. I have 3 phone calls to make.

2. I have a dentist appointment.

3. I will make myself a nice dinner.

In between, I will rest and read. This is my commitment to my grieving self.

Everything that needs to get done will get done.

Today won’t be that day.

Just Write

 

You know what? Just write. 

Show up every day and write something. 

And keep writing. Even when you think you

don't have something to say, just do it. And 

wonderful things will happen. -- Paul McCartney

I saw this and knew I had to take a moment on this blog to celebrate that I have come this far and have been writing every day. Today I am closing in on five full months of writing every day.

Paul's advice isn't new by any means -- I've heard it from every writer I admire: Anne Lamott, Julia Cameron, Natalie Goldberg, and more. But it never gets old. And when I see how it has worked for me this year of all years, how I've been able to keep it going without fail...well, wonderful things have happened. I keep in touch with myself and my friends can keep in touch with me. I find I have to stretch at times, but that is as it should be. 

When Jim got ill, I was worried at first -- could I keep up? I'm glad to report it has not been a problem. 

Writing every day reinforces to me once again that this is my vocation. Putting words on the page has been a huge part of my life as far back as I can remember. It is my expression, my pathway, my savior. 

I say this coming off a year where I didn't write much beyond in my journal, and it was a bit of a hole in my life. I committed to this year because of my lack of motion last year. I've come to realize that hole was needed to give me something to fill this year. 

I’m facing a different kind of summer, and this project will be something to keep me afloat. I can’t wait to see where it takes me 🩵🩷💚

 

Quotes That Keep Me Going (7 Lines/7 Days #86)

#108Weeks

January 3-8, 2022

From Kara Vereen

Will you lose your balance?

Will you stumble and fall?

Don't give up

You have a reason to carry on

Lucinda Williams

 

 

Literacy is power.

Kylene Beers

 

 

One energy connects us all,

linking us soul to soul and heart to heart

Julia Cameron

 

 

All I've got to do is to love you

All I have to be is be happy

All it's got to take is some warmth to make it

Blow away, blow away, blow away

George Harrison 

 

 

I am alert to the good in every moment.

Julia Cameron

 

 

You can't just love your country when you win.

Joe Biden 

Beneath the turbulence of daily living, there is a longer, slower pulse of perfect timing

It is to that rhythm I give my soul.

Julia Cameron

 

Love & Faith & Joy (7 Lines/7 Days #84)

 #108Weeks

December 19-25, 2021

I've been revising my reading goals for 2022, and liking the direction.

I came face-to-face with the fact that I need a major mental adjustment.

Atomic Habits by James Clear is helping me make small changes to get my physical strength back in a manageable way.

On Solstice Day I wrote this: I commit more fully to the life I know I can live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy.  I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all -- every ugly and beautiful moment, encounter, and feeling -- as TEACHER.

I must continue to look at each moment with love and faith and joy. I'm calling it WILD JOY.

Progress, not perfection.

Have faith and be the change!

Thinking Out Loud on an Auspicious Solstice Morning

 Written 12-21-21

I am finding inspiration and motivation from every direction.

A few days ago I realized I was ready to move on from the place I've been, which has been rather stuck. I knew this was coming, but I did not have a vision.

Today the vision began to form.

First, with Atomic Habits by James Clear. I'm thinking What kind of person do I want to be? And What habits will get me there?

This motivated me to get on my exercise bike, and I put on a podcast from Michael Meade called "The Cultivated Heart: In Loving Memory of Robert Bly."  I have met both of these men before, and Robert passed a month ago today.  In the podcast, Michael focused a lot on writings Robert did for a poetry anthology they worked on together called The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. It has always been one of my favorite collections.

What was helpful to me is that the topic of cultivating our hearts caused Michael to focus on a few specific poems, two of which really spoke to me.

 

I think I will also take a moment to mention why I knew I was stuck, even as I knew it was time to move on. First, I had a meeting with some friends where I found myself blaming a lot of others for things I'm encountering. This left me emotionally reeling for at least 12 hours, and was not a pleasant experience.

Second, I met a friend for lunch and a Broadway show, only to find myself surprised that she brought me Christmas presents. Why I was surprised baffled me. We always exchange gifts. How is it that I have not even given it ONE thought these last few weeks when I knew we had this event coming up?  My only answer is that I have become ridiculously insular and selfishly focused that even things that should be evident go right past me. Not a good feeling. I blamed myself deeply for the neglect of this important exchange.

Another thing I encountered recently that brought me up short was revisiting other blog posts from Decembers of previous years. It is there I found something I wrote on December 9, 2017 called "On Questions and Contradictions." In this post I discovered that much of what I keep complaining about now are the exact same things that were happening then. Have I not even figured out how to do better?

In the blog, I referred to the poem "The Sunflowers" by Mary Oliver, in which she suggests we ask sunflowers questions:

Come with me
to visit the sunflowers,
they are shy
but want to be friends;
they have wonderful stories
of when they were young –
the important weather,
the wandering crows.
Don’t be afraid
to ask them questions!
Their bright faces,
which follow the sun,
will listen, and all
those rows of seeds –
each one a new life!

I then proceeded to ask myself a lot of questions, many I still have today. Things like...How do I get through to my students? Why do I go through this every year? What will make real change? 

And most importantly, Why can't I be you, Sunflower?

Coming upon this blog post was unforgettable in this current quest.  Leave it to Michael Meade to pick up the pieces for me when he read this poem:

This poem connected everything together -- all my tears, my grief, my vulnerability, my blaming of others, and a good comeuppance on how wrong my view can be. This is about seeds being cultivated. It has been too easy to tighten up and not let that seed explode into something wonderful. After all, everything real in life is about breaking open to the moment. Without it, there is no creativity, no innovation.

Michael goes on to explain:

[We must live] with immediacy of the soul, that rare sense that the next moment can break open. And that we must...marry it, step into it, and become ourselves in that moment of opening and awaking. If we fail to do that we have not fully participated in the world.

It is obvious I have to do that which is really difficult for me -- truly open up, live more fully, love more actively. I have been saying this for years, and I think I'm doing it, but recent events have found my fault lines. And recent events have also taught me I have no time to waste. I look ahead and I see an end line. This is a new feeling, and one I must reckon with.

But Michael wasn't done. Then he introduced this poem, which gave me further marching orders!

To Be a Slave of Intensity (Kabir, trans. by Robert Bly)

Friend, hope for the guest while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think...and think...while you are alive.
What you call 'salvation' belongs to the time before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,
do you think
ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic
Just because the body is rotten -
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
you will simply end up with an apartment in the City of Death.
If you make love with the divine now, in the next life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!

Kabir says this: When the guest is being searched for, it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest that does all the work.
Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity. 

JUMP INTO EXPERIENCE WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE.

BREAK THE ROPES.

I simply LOVE that! 

"So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is, Believe in the Great Sound"

Welcome it all--joy and sorrow. Don't ignore any of it. ENGAGE!

So the answer to Why can't I be you, Sunflower?

is

I AM. I just don't activate it.

*

I'm not quite done, even though that seems like quite a lot.

For the first time in a long time I pulled a Rune stone. And the word was perfect, of course: FAITH.

This is already a word I have embraced during the journey over these past few months. I discovered it when I did the 33 Question Cards to find my word. When the Rune divination said the same, well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

And I still needed these words:

Faith encourages us to believe that we can make a difference -- in ourselves and in the world.

And so, on this auspicious solstice day of 12-21-21, I commit more fully to the life I know I need to live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy. I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all--every ugly or beautiful moment, encounter, or feeling-- as TEACHER.

I needed to identify the turning point, and this has been it.

11:05 am  12/21/2021

 

21. Pregnant

 #66Challenge

 

I had a dream I was walking along, then I sat down. A doctor (female, Indian) approached me and told me I was pregnant.

I knew it was the truth.

And I was happy. Ageless.

Nothing else involved, and no one else.

All I can think now is that I'm pregnant with the possibility of birthing something new in my classroom, somehow pulling together to grow and learn and thrive.

I'm pregnant with ideas on how to let the kids do the productive struggle instead of me constantly struggling against them. Breathing into, rather than holding my breath.

It will be much like those midnight feedings and even colicky babies you have to drive around in the car to soothe and get quiet calm. In other words, it will be rocky for a while, I am sure.

I am slowly giving birth to what I already know...and what I don't.

This is a sacred time for me, and I need to keep my mind on

love

wisdom

caring

listening

lifting

and recognizing the 

moments of 

brilliance.

 

Productive Brilliance (7 Lines/7 Days #81)

 #108Weeks

November 28-December 4, 2021

Orchid Bee photo by Kara Vereen. 2021

I dreamt of crystals again -- this time they were buried in sand

This week was a new beginning

I'm doing well keeping loving attention

I started privately giving "orchid bee" recognition to learners showing "productive brilliance"

My bottom line: I am a reading teacher who will stick with what she believes no matter the horrible curriculum sent her way

I realized (from journal entries) that the day I saw the two eagles on the roof was the beginning of this part of my journey -- it was October 5th, the day of my first meltdown

Friday tried my patience, but my goals for the week were met, so I am happy

6. New Growth

New orchids on my lanai inspired this piece

 #66Challenge

Patience: A Chant

Monday September 6th was a New Moon day.  This is a day I pull a Native American Medicine Card to find out what I need for the coming month.

This month I pulled ANT which equals Patience.

Reading about ANT I learned:

I need to be community-minded and see future needs.

I can plan, but must be content with building a dream a little at a time.

Patience has its rewards.

Sweet victory is at the end of the line.

I can trust in the Universe to supply.

I must work for the good of the whole and my goodness will be provided.

 

In response, I then wrote this chant:

Patience with my husband's health

Patience with my learners' progress

Patience with my colleagues

Patience with the district

Patience when I see what others are doing that is harmful

Patience with what others are not doing that is neglectful

Patience with comparisons

Patience with aging

Patience with timing

Patience with mistakes

 

Patience with myself when I sense that fault line -- I'm not perfect

Patience with myself to take the next right move

Patience with my choices toward building a creative life

Patience with an uncertain future

 

I make good choices and set a healthy direction and little by little I take on too much and then I find myself pulled away.

 

Patience with my own desire to do it all!!! 

I Am Carried (7 Lines/7 Days #68)

 #108Weeks

August 29 - September 4, 2021

 

 

The universe gifts me with courage in all things

I set a strong goal for the week -- to do whatever it takes to not have to work on the 3-day weekend.

Within me, I carry God. Within God, I am carried

All I can do is work with the ingredients I have

I had a learner hand me a book to read. I'm on it!

Things calmed as the week progressed.

I spent valuable time Saturday morning getting a strong structure mapped out. It has put me in a good place for the weekend. 

1. Gift to Myself: Introducing #66Challenge

 #66Challenge

It feels like a long dry spell since I was motivated to write much beyond short little poems (a daily practice) or 7 lines/7 days poems, which are basically just drawing on things already written.

Frustration has set in. I began to wonder what happened to the writer I had been. I kept thinking I needed a project: the problem was finding one that I could feel committed to.

I have plenty of drafted projects sitting around here I can fix up. Somehow I don't have the energy for that. I tried doing some little structural things, but soon became bored. The writing had no concreteness about it, and just seemed preachy and shallow. In addition, I felt this "thing" that no one cared about what I had to say anyway. Who is listening? I had no answer.

This caused me to put the question out: What kind of writer am I?

***

Today while noodling in my journal, I suddenly remembered something I literally had forgotten all about: the #64Challenge I did during the 2019-20 school year. That was an ever-changing, challenging year, which ended up with fourth quarter pandemic teaching. 

Next week is my 66th birthday, and immediately I knew I need the #66Challenge for this coming school year.

This feels perfect. First, because in 2019 I had all kinds of plans and designs on what the school year should look like, and slowly but surely everything went haywire. By the end of February I was finding myself in a very different place than I was in August.

Coming into this school year I have no such designs. In fact, I'm actively working NOT to plan and design. There is all new curricula coming into our department, and I actually don't even know what I'm teaching. And no matter what I teach, there will be a certain amount of "do it this way."

I've been preparing myself for that all throughout this summer, by putting myself back in the moment every time I meet an obstacle, large or small. I have gathered my strength and risk-taking gene to do things I previously thought would be impossible.  

Speaking to my friend Natalie yesterday she said something that resonated strongly: I made it through the 2020-21 school year. I can do anything.

***

I took time this morning to read the 64 posts for the last challenge. I found lots of nuggets that are good for me to remember going forward into a new school year and challenge:

What I focus on expands.

Abandon hope. Be fearless.

Do what you can do. Bear witness with no need to respond or attach.

Everything I need to know is in the person in front of me.

Be committed. Stay flexible.

I also found a slew of beautiful poems, deep reflections, classroom celebrations and intense frustrations. All documented. All worked out. All forward moving.

And most importantly: All a gift to myself!

***

By moving forward on a new challenge, in a year in which I already know will be full of change, I will have the opportunity to write concretely, do some good reflecting, pay attention, and give myself the gift of this school year always being accessible to me. 

It's an adventure, a pilgrimage, a chance to practice the present moment. 

It's getting me back to the writer I am--one who listens and writes to find out what she has to say. It doesn't matter if anyone else knows or cares!

It's taking all that has come before, folding it into the mix, and creating something new.

James W. Hall says that "we teach to re-create the world." I take this as my most earnest mission in life.

Here is to #66Challenge, and all the creative gifts it will bring to myself and yes, maybe even the world.

The Purge (7 Lines/ 7 Days #61)

 #108Weeks

 

July 11-17, 2021

 

 

Discovered an awesome talent: Amethyst Kiah

Feeling rested and grounded

It's purging time: books and clothes

Knocked out all the safety trainings :-)

Discovered a funny TV show on Prime: Loudermilk

I'm always most productive before leaving town

My shelves and dresser drawers are organized finally!

 

Small Shifts (7 Lines/7Days #49)

 #108Weeks

 

April 18-24, 2021

 

Inspired by Celie in The Color Purple, I wrote a long letter to God and put it in my God Jar. I asked for help in keeping my grading manageable, and to help me develop better routines. The ones I have are not sustainable. I cannot continue to give away my weekends to all of this.

Refuse to struggle

I find myself thinking about retirement. Even looked at the numbers.

Writing test day was just boredom and babysitting.

I came home from work Wednesday feeling incredible because I set the parameters of the class again, started reading conferences, and had my 6th graders handwrite their video responses. 

It was refreshing and uplifting.

I will have my weekends open from now on.

It's Saturday. All grading is done and I'm chillin'.
 

Standing on Solid Ground (7 Lines/7 Days #47)

 #108Weeks

 

April 4-10, 2021

 

 

I had a dream I was driving down an extremely steep road and was terrified, but made it safely to the bottom and solid ground. Upon waking, I could see it was a metaphor for this school year.

The last 2 mornings in nature were magically perfect. So many birds! There are angels all around us.

I kept reminding myself to say in the moment and it came in handy when Jim's eye blew up again and we was in horrible pain.

I just have to take things as they come.

The Universe gifts me with courage.

It was announced Home Connect will be gone next year. I celebrated by making a list of all the teaching techniques I can use when I don't have to worry about including kids on Zoom. HOO-RAY!!!

68 more days until the last day of school.

Joy-Filled Week (7 Lines/ 7 Days #35)

 #108Weeks

 

January 10-16, 2021

 

Our jam sessions are going great. Jim had a huge smile behind his mask 

while playing "Blue Suede Shoes."

Basic ingredients: Doubt, Faith, Determination

Everything feels better somehow: the classroom, the kids, the processes.

I'm sleeping well and getting a lot done at work.

 

My classroom has come alive. Watching the 6th graders collaborate

was pure joy. The online discussion tool really involved the

7th & 8th grader. I'm so happy!

 

I saw this word in my sleep: UNITED

 

I am truly in the pocket of my right livelihood. 

2020 Wrap-Up (7 Lines/7 Days #33)

#108Weeks

 

December 27, 2020 - January 2, 2021
 

A little different approach this week, as I include my musings on some favorites of the year, and my focus for the coming year.

 

Learned to play a boogie line on my mandolin.

 

Six Mile Cypress Slough is fully open! It was wonderful to return.

 

My favorite books published in 2020: The Midnight Library, Fifty in Reverse, Such a Fun Age, Stamped Remix, and Whale Day and Other Poems.

 

My favorite albums released in 2020: ...but i'd rather by with you by Molly Tuttle; Hearts Town by War and Treaty, and 25 Trips by Sierra Hull.

 

My word for 2021 is STRENGTH.  My question is HOW CAN I SERVE?

 

My motivational song for the new year is "You Gotta Be" by Des'ree

 

My Native American Medicine for 2021 is Porcupine, which stands for Faith, Trust, and Playfulness.

 

I'M IN!

 

How to Be of Service in 2021

 Caboose poem from Barbara Kingsolver's "How to Give Thanks for a Broken Leg"

Step out as a brand new verb

moving

writing

listening

drawing

playing

wisening

breathing

reaching

illuminating

discovering

cycling

stretching

teaching

learning

resting

seeing

dreaming

keeping 

being

Entering the Quiet Zone

We are more than a week into the holiday break, and I've entered the Quiet Zone.

Today I followed through on a decision I had made which was to use the "What's Your Word" cards my writing friend Kathy gave me as part of a gift exchange. There are 33 cards that ask questions that are supposed to lead you to your "word."  I decided to go through the questions quickly and answer with one sentence each. After a warm-up and a jump start, there are several categories, each with a few related questions. Categories like Let Go, Be Me, Dream, Grow, Love, and Serve.

Answering these questions in a real "in the moment" fashion helped me get quickly to a couple important things happening with me: one has to do with physical strength, and the other has to do with how I want to spend my time going forward.

For many years I had a lot of different things going. A few years ago I cut back. I decided I wanted to spend most of my time focused on writing.  And I did pretty well with that. I've completed several personal challenges, continue to write a poem a day, and my daily journaling, of course.

But something has shifted, and now there are other things that are calling for my time. One is the mandolin. I'm enjoying getting back into it focused just on ways to have fun and play with others. Second is my Music Polls page. I thoroughly enjoy what I'm doing with it, and others seem to like it, too. And third, a bit of art. I've committed to practicing some Zentangle, and that has been relaxing fun. No goals. Just do it.

One thing that has been a concern though, is what I feel is a physical weakening. It really started with the knotted up lat muscles in my side that sometimes made it painful to stand for any period of time, let alone do any walking. I've noticed a difference in my physical strength since I turned 65, and the lat situation has compounded it, keeping me from being as active as I need to be. I still do my daily yoga and stretching, but things like walks and weights and cycling have taken a back seat. Well, are fairly non-existent.

Answering the questions in the "What's Your Word" put this in the forefront. I realized as hard as it is, I have to find ways to start building strength.

So there is my word.  STRENGTH

I started here...a return to Six Mile Cypress Slough, where I walked nearly two miles with nary a twinge from my crazy lats, and thorough enjoyment of the slough itself. Throughout the pandemic I knew the slough boardwalk was open, but I didn't go because of a simple thing like the bathrooms not being available. By the time I drive there, I usually need to use the restroom before wending my way along the boardwalk, which takes the visitor through pinewoods, a hardwood forest, a hammock, and more than a few ponds. But yesterday I learned the park was fully open, and I knew that was my first stop today.

My friend Kara shared with me her focus for the coming year: Peace, Energy, Calm. Add to that STRENGTH. And that is what I felt today, finally returning to the slough, where I don't think I've been in quite a long time. At least a year...maybe longer. 

Entering the Quiet Zone is a natural part of this bridge of time between Christmas and New Years, a time I traditionally use to reflect and ground myself. All the right ingredients came together today. I intend to use them all to keep my STRENGTH building, despite any setbacks or frustrations. It is the most perfect and necessary thing for me right now. 

STRENGTH -- Challenge Accepted!!!!