Showing posts with label reading. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reading. Show all posts

Sunday, December 1, 2024

That Part of Me

While reading a novel yesterday,

the book The Year of Magical Thinking

by Joan Didion was mentioned.

I knew that she wrote it about the year after her husband died,

and even though it was published in 2005,

and I had avoided it until 2022, when I faced my fear

and read it.

There was a singular part

that stood out to me

when I read the memoir,

and I needed it yesterday.

See, I’ve been feeling off balance and unable to determine why.

But now I know.

The part of me reflected in Jim’s eyes

is gone.

It can’t be otherwise.

It’s what we lose and have to repair when someone dies.

I’m finding it difficult to lose the anxiety on this.

I looked up the review I wrote on Good Reads,

and just as I suspected

I had documented the part that mattered most.

That spoke the loudest.

As it does today.

I have to allow the mourning is not just for Jim,

but for who I was in his presence.

My anxiety is that I am not sure who I am without him. 

I am hoping that knowing this will help me move forward

without looking for something that is no longer there.







Monday, October 21, 2024

Intuition

 Way back in 2003, a friend gave me a dystopian novel called Just a Couple of Days. This book has been on my shelf all these years and I finally read it over this past month.

The book held my attention, although I actually wouldn’t recommend it. But last night while I was reading, something jumped out at me and it made me wonder… How is it we find what we need at the exact moment we probably need it?

It was this quote on page 329:

Faith is the genuine trust in intuition.

This year I have thought a great deal about faith and trust, but I haven’t thought a lot about intuition. But isn’t that what’s always happening?

Yesterday was a great example. Right before I went to church, I was having trouble with my printer. I looked up how to fix it according to the error code I was getting, and decided that I would figure it out when I got home from church. There appeared to be several steps that were unnerving me. This caused me anxiety. Right now I don’t need anything going wrong, even an error code on my printer. I would just like to get through a day without having to handle some kind of a crazy thing.

So it was on my mind while I was at church, and I found myself praying for an answer. I’m not sure why it had me so upset, but it did and I was trying very hard to hold it together.

Near the end of the service, I heard a little voice tell me that when I get home do research again and go from there. I realized that the information I had was from 2019, and I thought well, I’ll look and see if there’s anything more recent. Well, there was and it fixed the problem pronto with a couple easy steps. Where is my faith? My trust? Am I selling myself short?

Were my prayers answered in church? Or was it my intuition?

Are they the same thing?




Wednesday, October 9, 2024

Escaping Tunnel Vision

 


In June, I began reading the book pictured above that was on the New York Times Bestseller list, with the idea that there would things to implement in my classroom. Needless to say, my life got interrupted and I only recently got back to it. I decided to keep reading it for my own sake, rather than my students’, and I’m glad I did.

In his book, Grant takes us through all the ways we think in shallow ways, or make arguments that don’t work, or lean toward our own biases. He talks about concepts like challenge teams and motivational interviewing, which caught my attention. His approach is easy to follow, with great examples, and lots of graphics.

I picked up the book once I got home from the hospital, and eventually I was taking it to read when I visited Jim since he was mostly sleeping. The text energized me and made me think in new ways.  I credit it with helping me through the difficult decisions I had to make regarding Jim’s care. It has caused me to turn to people to help me think things through, something I don’t think I typically did enough, unless it was with Jim.

The other night I woke to go to the bathroom, and found I was having a hard time getting back to sleep. I decided to finish the last 20 pages of the book. One of the chapters was called “Escaping Tunnel Vision.” There were two quotes that I ended up marking.

I realized that for years, I have been living a kind of tunnel vision, and for a very good reason. My husband was ill, and in a very slow decline, and it was demanding more of me — more of my time, energy, worry, and anxiety. I had gotten to the point I thought I would never want to travel again, that doing something just for fun seemed long ago and far away. I think this was preying on my mind more than I knew. I just thought it was where I was in life — but now I see it was the situation, not necessarily who I had become.

The tunnel vision was necessary, don’t get me wrong. I had to put first things first, and I will never regret I did. And now I am thankful I had this book in hand to help me see my way out.

Reading the last few chapters was exhilarating. Here were two important quotes to me:

At work and in life, the best we can do is plan for what we want to learn and contribute over the next year or two, and stay open to what might come next. 

Our identities are open systems, and so are our lives.. We don’t have to stay tethered to old images of where we go or who we want to be. The simplest way to start rethinking our options is to question what we do daily.

I believe Adam Grant has provided a blueprint for me as I forge a new life without my husband and enter retirement. A lot of people ask if I will sub, and my immediate response is NO. It feels like “been there, done that.”

I have felt for a long time, and REALLY feel now, that there is something else waiting for me. Something that will be fulfilling in a new way. I have no idea what it is, but since Jim’s passing and finishing this book, I feel like I have escaped the tunnel. And I don’t think this is disrespectful to Jim. If I know him — and I do — he is cheering for me from the other side.

Sunday, August 11, 2024

Fragility

My friend Kara gave me a book that is helping me with the emotional state I’m in. It’s part self-help, part humor, part coloring book. It’s full of great reminders for me.

Today I was reading along and came to a page about dandelions. The author, Jenny Lawson, explains how she always thought she was a dandelion, and certainly this resonates from me. Back in my National Writing Project days we had a saying: Don’t be afraid of the lawnmower. We even got dandelion shirts.

Lawson describes the dandelion process, how just when it is given up for dead “it explodes into an elaborate globe of spiderweb seedlings so fragile that a wind or a wish sends it to pieces.”

She continues:

But the falling apart isn’t the end.

It depends on the falling apart.

Its fragility lets it be carried to new places, to paint more gold in the cracks.

I always thought I’d like to be a dandelion.

But I think, in a way, I already am.


I feel each day I’m facing my fragility anew. Every day there seems to be a new level of falling apart. I rated my mood today as “okay” and said I felt sad, fatigued, grieving, and powerless.

Yup. Fragile.

I woke with the intention of setting small goals and reaching them. I allowed myself to lie in bed yesterday afternoon, watching television, reading, and napping. Taking care of myself is a necessity, not a  privilege.

I want to start feeling the falling apart as a more positive experience than I have been thinking it is. There have been so many adjustments this week, and there will be many more coming. My friend Annmarie said the other day that maybe being strong isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. (Not a direct quote!) Perhaps I’m forcing strength in an unnatural way for this situation. 

Maybe I just need to trust the process of the dandelion. Let myself have bright yellow moments, break through the cracks moments, blow it all away to a new life moments. 

I’ve had a lot of each this past week, now that I think about it. It’s easy to remember the frustrations, but it’s okay to remember there were good moments, too.

And I’m reminded of a song by the Rolling Stones:

Dandelion don’t tell no lies
Dandelion will make you wise
Tell me if she laughs or cries
Blow away, dandelion

[Fun fact: Keith Richards has a daughter named Dandelion.]






Friday, August 2, 2024

Intention

 

Journal Entry 8.2.24

Today I was to be starting year 21 of my teaching life -- my planned final year.

Life has had other plans for me, and as the summer ends for all my teacher friends, today I feel it's beginning for me.

My accident, injuries, and Jim's health have been all-consuming. I've watched as friends took magnificent trips to the top of the Andes in Peru to zip-lining in Puerto Rico. The idea of any of these things seems far away and unrelatable to me right now.

As does teaching. Simply no way my brain can go there.

Today, however, still promotes an inner shift. I looked back at a quote I had saved in my photos for inspiration, and came upon this:

 

It's rare to hear the name Wayne Dyer these days, but there was a time he was everywhere. His popular psychology was easy to understand and he was personable and approachable. He produced books and appeared on Oprah and had his own shows on PBS stations. He was a friend of my minister when I was attending Unity of Greater Cleveland, and he spoke to our congregation more than once. I have two books autographed by him: Real Magic and Your Sacred Self. These books were guides for me in my late thirties.

Today I got curious about something I remembered I found highly inspiring and life-altering in one of his books. Back in the day, I had returned to it over and over again. I couldn't recall exactly what it was, but it was easy to find because I had kept a bookmark on the page, the number being circled and the quote highlighted:

The secret to changing your life is in your intention. (Real Magic p. 76)

When I read this over thirty years ago, I remember how it transformed my view of what was possible -- and how it is always up to me to make the most of any situation.

For weeks now -- probably months -- I have not thought much about my intentions for myself -- at least not in those terms. I've let Jim's health and other circumstances run the engine. If I had any intentions, it was related to teaching and how I was going to address the course I've responsible for teaching in a new way. As of now, that's not happening.

But I have not replaced with any other intentions. When teaching was ripped away, I had no replacement.

Today I realize it's time to think beyond the immediate. I'm in a place in my healing that I feel it's possible.

I've said over and over these past few weeks that everything feels like a big question mark. Now I think that perhaps with considering what my real intention might be, I can move away from question marks a to periods, or maybe even exclamation points. Wouldn't that be something!!!

I know I cannot rush my healing. I know I cannot predict what will happen with Jim. But I feel there is some kind of intention I can put into place that will empower me a bit.

It has to be just right, because times are tender. I don't know what it is yet.

My intention is to find out. And as the quote above says, I need to do it in the context of what life currently is. That is the only way I can do this in a way that will bring peace.


Thursday, July 25, 2024

“And yet the books…”


 This poem inspired by “And Yet the Books” by Czeslaw Milosz.

And yet the books will be there on the shelf, separate beings
My best laid plans to read them stolen from me
Concentrating on fiction now is particularly tough
I do hope someday to return. And when I do,
The books will be there on the shelf, well born
Derived from people, but also from radiance, heights.


Saturday, July 13, 2024

Making Coffee

 Journal Entry

 

Before my accident, I had made a decision to reread Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. It espouses Zen meditation and helps point us in the right direction for proper meditation techniques.

I feel too beat up to actually sit Zazen, but since breathing is a huge part of it, I'm doing fine. Over and over I've been reminded that deep breathing is necessary in my condition to prevent pneumonia. The first person to tell me that was the EMT who took me to the hospital up to the doctor I saw yesterday.

So breathing...I can do that.

Today's chapter was "Mind Weeds."  

Pulling out the weeds we give nourishment to the plant. 

I see this. If I recognize and then clear away my stress and concerns, I can focus on what is necessary and profit from that personally. 

Case in point -- yesterday Erwin, the physical therapy nurse Jim has been seeing -- came for his last visit. I found myself in tears as I watched him leave, watching him go down the stairs. I burst into tears and went into the kitchen and cried. He had done incredible work with Jim during this very difficult, traumatic time. I was so grateful. He had a gift. Knowing he would not be back crushed me.

And I felt so alone.

Then I guess I pulled the weeds. I saw that coffee needed to be set up for the next day. I quit crying and did the simple act of measuring water and coffee, and setting the timer.

Suzuki says:  

When your effort becomes pure, your body and mind become pure. This is the way we practice Zen.

I don't know how pure my mind is. But I do know the coffee today was sure good!


Thursday, June 27, 2024

Around and Around We Go

 It is Thursday, and my first thought is Why is the summer going so fast?

My second is How will I ever get everything accomplished I need to do?

Because I'm tired.

We had 3 doctor appointments in two days. Jim is worn to a frazzle. I'm getting there myself.

There are many things I've been planning to write here, but I have not found the time or energy to follow through. I will, of course. But probably not today.

I've set small goals for myself for today, but even those are starting to feel like too much.

So I'm backing off and following through on three things I committed to already -- going to a yoga class, getting myself sushi for lunch, and taking more books to Annette in Bonita Springs.

**

I've been committed to getting reading done as well, and yesterday I finished the Nick Cave book. He has some quotes that I recorded in my velvet book. When I got to the end, he had something to say that I knew I want to record here so I have it always. I feel it speaks to what happens here on this blog -- I go around and around with the same thoughts, learning lessons over and over. It often feels like I'm not really getting anywhere, which is why his final words had so much power to me.

Well, read the quote and see what you think:

Stumbling forward is a beautiful way of putting it, but I wonder if the notion of forwardness is correct. Perhaps what I mean to say is that although we feel we are moving in a forward direction, in my estimation we are forever moving in a circular way, with all the things we love and remember in tow, and carrying all our needs and yearnings and hurts along with us, and all the people who have poured themselves into us and made us what we are, and all the ghosts who travel with us. It's like we are running towards God, but that God's love is also the wind that is pushing us on, as both the impetus and the destination, and it resides in both the living and the dead. Around and around we go, encountering the same things, again and again, but within this movement things happen that change us, annihilate us, shift our relationship to the world. It is this circular motion that grows more essential and affirming and necessary with each turn.


Tuesday, June 25, 2024

The Contenders

Digging through a box of things I brought from school, I unearthed this book.

It was a signal to me of something that happened near the end of school which I meant to write about.

I first became aware of this book The Contender by Robert Lipsyte when I worked at Lehigh Senior High. I think it was when I taught sophomores it was one of the choices in our Literature Circles.

My second year at Cypress Lake Middle found me teaching struggling readers, many of whom were kids of color and had no real reading habits. At the time we had 84 minute periods, and I tried my best to have them read their self-selected books and have meaningful discussions. But if you ever tried to do that, you will know how difficult it can be.

That's when I decided to teach a novel, and I thought of The Contender. My friend Susan from Lehigh brought me the books. They are still at CLMS today. The books are falling apart from use, because I taught this book several times over the years. But I just can't trash them, no matter what. The novel has a place in my heart.

The story takes place in the 1960s, and the main character is a black teenager named Alfred. He has dropped out of high school and is aimless, working at a grocery store and pretty much just hanging around with his druggie friend James. Somehow Alfred decides he wants to be a boxer, and takes a chance on learning how. This novel has a passage where Alfred crosses the street at a green light, races up several flights of steps, level to level, and then arrives at the boxing studio. 

 A faint light leaked through a crack, and he hurled himself up to it, paused, took another breath, and plunged into a large, murky room.

"Yeah?" A short, stocky man with crew-cut white hair looked up. His pale face was smooth and hard.

"I...I'm...I'm Albert Brooks," he said, gasping. "I come...to be...a fighter."

His apprehension is palatable, and it is one of my favorite all time passages to teach. There is so much to unpack, not the least the symbol of the green light telling him it was okay to push himself to take this step.

Essentially, the book is about making yourself ready for whatever is to come...and friendship. Great themes for my learners.

**

This year in my first block class I had a black boy names Sam, a kind, hard-working kid. He consistently did well, and was liked by everyone. Late in the year I got a new (white) boy -- Grayson -- from another middle school in the area. He came in and got right to work on the Titanic project and did an exceptional job. I was quite impressed with him. I didn't really know why he left his other school halfway through 4th quarter, but I know there were reasons.

Well, one day I had something laid out on the table for the students to pick up, and when Grayson got to the table he took both hands and shoved Sam down. Fortunately, there was a chair there to catch Sam, otherwise he would have gone right down to the floor. The look on Sam's face -- he was stunned. I was stunned as well.

I wrote a referral and got Grayson out of the class. 

Later, my AP came by and started asking me questions about it. I told her it was so unusual and unexpected, I didn't know what to make of it. She said she'd talk to both boys. I said I'd call the dad.

When talking to dad, who had a messy divorce and shared custody with Grayson's mom, I learned of health issues and a certain medication that might have lead Grayson to act in some kind of violent way. Mrs. George, my AP, talked to the boys who both said they are friends. Sam expressed how surprised he was by Grayson's action. Secretly, I had been concerned it was a black/white thing, but thankfully this didn't seem to be the case. Everything was fine after that.

**

In The Contender, Albert's trainer is a man named Donatelli. This is his response when Albert says he wants to be a champion:

Everybody wants to be a champion. That's not enough. You have to start by wanting to be a contender, the man coming up, the man who knows there's a good chance he'll never get to the top, the man who's willing to sweat and bleed to get up as high as his legs and his brains and his heart will take him...It's the climbing that makes the man. Getting to the top is an extra reward.

**

The second last day of school, I randomly decided to pull out a couple of The Contender books from the bin, a couple that weren't falling apart. I decided I wanted to gift them to a couple of students.

I chose Sam and Grayson.

I pulled them each over individually and told them I saw them as contenders. Neither knew what that was, but once I explained, they understood. I explained to each of them I saw them as someone who had a good shot at being a champion at whatever they decided to do. Sam didn't show much reaction. Grayson was very grateful I saw him that way, and he let me know that. I could tell he was touched.

There was a small concern I had that Sam was perhaps annoyed that I gave him, the only black student in the class, a book with a black boy on the cover.Turned out that should not have been a concern at all. 

On the last day the kids don't bring backpacks of much of anything to school. But there was Sam with the book in his hand. It was like he couldn't let it go. We were doing various games and activities and in between he'd have his nose back in the book. He was well into it, and noticeably gobbling it up. 

It did my heart good. It helped me know I made the right choice.


Friday, June 14, 2024

Joy, Grief, Anger

 Recently I decided to get some stuff out of the guest room closet I knew I didn't need. I came across this framed quote:

I knew I should remember who said this, but I had to search it up. It was Julian of Norwich.

In case you don't know her, this is a general description: Julian of Norwich (1342-c.1416) is known to us almost only through her book, The Revelations of Divine Love, which is widely acknowledged as one of the great classics of the spiritual life. She is thought to have been the first woman to write a book in English which has survived.

She is quoted most often for her comforting words: All will be well, all will be well, in all manner of things will be well.

I  have been reading the framed quote aloud to myself since I discovered it. I do it to remind myself that all is, indeed, well in the general scheme of things. But, of course, I'm not exactly feeling that.

Here is a journal entry I wrote.

**

Today I had quite a journey while doing my daily reading/journaling. It began when I was reading Parker Palmer's essay called "Confessing My Complicity." Here is my entry for today:

I haven't finished reading yet but BAM -- these words hit:

Anger isn't the problem. The problem is getting hooked on anger -- addicted to an emotion that gives you a fleeting high but leaves you feeling worse, all the while robbing you of well-being and creating desire for the next hit. Being hooked saps me of energy and harms my health...it diverts me from taking personal responsibility for what is going on right now.

I had all the signs that anger was lurking and I ignored them. Yesterday it evolved into a crying jag and yelling and giving in to my deepest fears.

And to what end? Only felt a little better, but doubt it actually helped.

I AM ANGRY JIM IS ILL.

Yes, I am. I never say that, do I?

I AM ANGRY MY LIFE IS CHANGING IN WAYS I CAN'T CONTROL.

I AM ANGRY THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO ATTEND TO ALL THE TIME AND I AM NOW ON MY OWN WITH THEM.

I AM ANGRY ABOUT WHAT IS COMING NEXT SCHOOL YEAR.

I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR LOSING FAITH, FOR NOT BELIEVING IN MIRACLES.

~~~~Phew~~~~

Yesterday two things came up in Facebook memories I needed. One was a quote from Carlos Santana:

If you believe in gravity and drop something a hundred times, a hundred times it's going to fall. But if you believe in grace as you believe in gravity, then a hundred out of a hundred times you're going to get a miracle.

It was followed up by this quote from Regina Brett:

Don't give up before the miracle as there may be more than one.

I read more Parker and he included a quote from Valarie Kaur (founder of the Revolutionary Love Project):

Joy is the gift of love. Grief is the price of love. Anger is the force that protects that which is loved.

This! I have focused on joy and I've acknowledged grief, but I have not allowed anger to show me its force.

I FEEL PROTECTIVE.

Getting Jim safely places. Keeping myself safe so I am there for him. Running interference on procedures and appointments. Keeping everything in the house we need. And secretly being terrified about another hurricane. How can I keep him safe?

I AM ANGRY THIS HAS HAPPENED TO HIM!

And this is why Julian keeps showing up. She is the one who said it's harder to see a loved one suffering than to suffer yourself.

I had pulled out my Julian meditation book yesterday, and now I pulled out her classic Revelations of Love. I feel it is time to read it -- perhaps all the way through. 

Thinking of this further, I can see that while school was on I could shift my anger to stuff there. I didn't have to confront it here at home. That is why these past two weeks have felt so difficult -- this anger was floating around and I didn't have a place for it.

After journaling, I spoke with Jim about this. We figured out a couple small things together and agreed that the last four years have been a barrage of devastating events: Jim's stroke, the pandemic, his eye issue that resulted in blindness, his brother Doug passing, his son Dan passing, the two cancer diagnoses and subsequent treatments, Hurricane Ian, the cancer and COPD diagnoses, and the loss of his son Wayne.

And that leads me back to Valarie's words:

Joy is the gift of love.

Grief is the price of love.

Anger is the force that protects that which is loved.

Use it wisely!

Monday, June 10, 2024

Learning to Read

I purchased this book years ago at a used book store, and every summer I vow to read it. But until Friday, I had not read a word.

I finally ventured into this novel on Friday, and returned to it yesterday. It was around page 50 when the frustration set in. Like, what the heck is going on? I considered abandoning the book, but went looking for advice instead.

This is a common problem for people reading this Nobel Prize winning novel, I discovered. Someone had encountered the same issue as me, and asked about it on a GoodReads forum. There I found a lot of useful advice:

—Don’t look for plot. This is a telling of a family through time.

—Read it like it’s a dream.

—Don’t try to keep track of the characters, many that have identical names. Just enjoy each little story.

—It’s like stream of consciousness. Relax into it. It will pay off.

—Watch how often Marquez uses the words “solitude” and “solitary.”

—If it bothers you, don’t read it. Life is too short to spend reading books you don’t like.

It’s not like I haven’t read Latin American literature or magical realism before. But this Marquez book is clearly something else. I was looking for experience like I’ve had with other literary classics, like when I finally read The Color Purple in 2020, or The Grapes of Wrath in 2022. But I didn’t expect I’d have to learn how to approach it. That’s a new one on me! 

I’ve decided to continue, but I let myself off the hook as far as how fast I will read it. Some said they had read it off and on for a year. It is that type of book for sure. 

What I’m not sure of is reading it before bed. I read several pages last night before turning off the light, and I had crazy dreams all night! I actually felt it was disruptive. So maybe I still need to learn how to read this book.

Challenge accepted.






Saturday, June 8, 2024

For Example, Friday

I’d been wanting to write a poem all week, and finally got inspired by David Kirby’s poem “The Rhetorical Device Known as What-Aboutery.”

…it takes a while to get from where
you are to where you want to be, especially 
if you don’t know where you’re going in the first place,
which you shouldn’t, as the scientists
 say, if you know what you’re doing, it isn’t research.



Discovery

What if I was to truly open my mind 
to what could be discovered each day 
without judgment on my part?

For example, Friday.
A routine eye appointment for Jim turned long
Hemorrhaging in the eye
Causing an afternoon at another doctor
Trying to get it under control
And I stayed focused on what mattered.
I discovered I could 
read my book 
relax into just being

I had been contemplating what fun is in my life.
So I decided picking up a book 
I’ve meant to read for years would be fun 
and making dinner — a joy.
I’m discovering a moment holds a lot of mini-happiness.

In a book I just finished there was a great line:
Happiness is circulatory.

Someone else said fun leads to happiness, not the other way around.

Fun being playfulness + communication + flow.

So there is the recipe.

Will I ever say the day Jim’s eye 
hemorrhaged was a FUN day?
No, probably not.

Will I say I flowed through it 
and discovered a calm around it?

Yes, that I can say.
It’s my own research into the 
art of being.

Sunday, May 12, 2024

For the Love of Reading

 I don’t remember it, but I’m sure my mother read this book to me when around the time my brother Matthew was born. It may be the first book I owned.



I remember reading to her when I came home from school with the Dick and Jane books. She was patient and showed interest. At a young age, I was gifted with the knowledge that reading was a necessary and worthwhile activity.

From my dad’s standpoint, it was the comic section of the paper. I’ve always been an early riser, and when my dad got up at 6 a.m. to get ready for work, I was up as well, the comic section splayed out on the floor for me to read while he shaved and got dressed. 

My parents made sure I had a library card as soon as I was eligible to have one, and also made sure I took responsibility for the books. To this day, I don’t know how anyone survives without a library card. 

My mother is now 91-years-old and occasionally has the opportunity to read to the children at Chestnut Elementary School, where I attended 6th grade. I love when I see these photos of her interacting with children. It reminds me again that one of the greatest gifts she gave me was a love of reading.






Monday, May 6, 2024

"The Crying Generation"

 


When I turned 14, my mom got me a subscription to Teen magazine. I loved the articles, and I learned a lot about how to be in the world. Yes, there were the models in ads who were casually beautiful, but Teen made sure we knew we were fine the way we were. And the magazine eventually got cut up into fun collages or passed on to a friend, so they weren't hanging around intimidating us. I preferred Teen to Seventeen, simply because it made me feel comfortable in my skin.

I'd read Teen when I received it and then it would be another month before it would show up again. I'm not sure what it would have been like if a daily issue, with new images and pressures, showed up every 24-hours.

This is not the way of the world now with smartphones and Instagram in our mix.

In reading The Anxious Generation, I have learned a lot about how girls are affected by smartphones, especially beginning in 2010 when the forward facing camera was introduced. That was an flashpoint. Everything gets recorded and is there forever. The constant drumbeat of new posts and the pressure to be noticed never ends.

Since then, depression rates for girls have skyrocketed, not just in the United States but in European countries and Australia. It has to do with images of beauty -- very often filtered beauty -- which are standards our girls cannot achieve. It has created an out-of-control mental health crisis. No matter who I talk to, they know anxious girls, even as young as 5. It is why nearly every time we have a parent meeting about a girl, anxiety is mentioned.

Last week an 8th grade girl in my creative writing class turned in a draft of a story called "The Crying Generation." The main character is a girl terribly stressed about how she looks, who is feeling ignored by parents who see her as a "pearl" and don't hear her crying in her room at night. She feels she has to keep putting on a brave face against all odds, and it is wearing on her.

I don't know which is more heartbreaking: the knowledge that smartphones have harmed our kids. Or that the kids know it and now they feel trapped.

Jonathan Haidt, the author of The Anxious Generation, has a Substack page called "After Babel." On it is an essay written by a member of Gen Z. It is well worth reading, and watching the accompanying video. In short, it's about Gen Z feeling nostalgic for a time they never knew. The video is from 1999 when a senior recorded his last day of high school. You can read it here: https://www.afterbabel.com/p/a-time-we-never-knew

All I can say is I'm grateful for the information I'm receiving from Haidt and others, opening my eyes to the depth of this situation. Every parent and educator needs to inform themselves on this, because we need to make a collective effort to change things. I'm on my way to making those changes, and it has renewed my purpose as a teacher.


Sunday, May 5, 2024

Lightening Up

 

The quote above is about the workplace. And it goes for the classroom as well.

This week I made a commitment to lighten up, to lead with love and joy. Then after reading The Anxious Generation on Tuesday, I knew even more how important this is for all of our well-being. I erased my list of rules off the board (which baffled a couple of students who needed to know why), and proceeded in focusing on my temperament in the classroom.

I don’t miss the rule list. My compass is now within me.

Last November, in a time of high stress, I started a Find Joy Journal in my classroom. I was recording things that brought joy, so that I wasn't just focusing on the negative.

When my world blew up in late January, the Joy Journal disappeared off of my desk and, although it kept calling out to me from its new home in the closet, I ignored it.

Until this week.

I finally got it back out, to begin recording joy again. But things have shifted. I find now I am writing about how I am changing. How I am purposely reacting differently to things that used to drive me nuts. I'm going to list a few of them here and anyone reading may think What was the big deal to start with? Believe me, I'm wondering now myself.

1. Boys constantly having to have their hands on each other. I'm letting it be, and it seems to subside a bit. It always intensified when I complained.

2. Silly things. I have a boy named Leo in 7th period who is hilarious. Instead of shutting him down, I joined in to the laughter. And then everyone got back to work.

3. Fancy hand claps and handshakes. Okay, sometimes they were doing them at inappropriate times...but now I welcome their doing things in unison. It is part of necessary play, as I learned in Haidt's book.  

4. Broken pencils on the floor (usually ones I provided.) If it keeps a kid from shutting down or giving someone else a fat lip, it's done its job. I say this in the wake of a girl who had a pencil in her hand when presenting her project which she was slowing breaking into little pieces. What a way to handle the nerves of public speaking! I've never seen that before.

Needless to say, I found that I didn't get quite as tired when I came home, so that alone makes this experiment worth it.


Wednesday, May 1, 2024

Defending

 I have started this book and can barely put it down.


Yesterday I read over 100 pages, and couldn’t stop sharing what I was reading with Jim and another cancer patient while in the infusion room. No matter who I talk to about this book, they reveal they know kids with anxiety. Our neighboring patient even ordered the book while he was being treated.

There is so much in the well-researched book that helps me understand what is happening with my learners on an even deeper level. I knew smartphones and lack of play were a problem. I just didn’t realize the reasons, the extent of it, and how widespread it is.

What I want to write about today is the idea of Discover and Defend. This has to do with mindsets that are developed in childhood.


I bring this up today because I’ve noticed a trend with some of my highest achievers. We had a huge research project, and I provided as much support as I could, while still leaving the possibility of their own creativity to flourish. I’ve written about this previously, how a couple of students did a presentation that I thought was a decent model that could be useful to others. I provided that because it came available. It was never my intention to tell them exactly what their slides should look like. 

A few of these high achievers missed the mark on their research…one in particular I’m thinking of basically did not go very deep. There were 3 high-achievers on that team, and it came off very weak. Their grade was not the one they are used to, but honestly, they needed to be pushed.

One of the complaints I got on the reflection sheet from them and a few others was that I had not provided the information to them on how to set up their slides —which was not the issue at all. When faced with having deal with a lower grade than they are used to, they didn’t absorb the reason why. Instead, they blamed me for not providing what they needed. But as we know, it’s a false complaint. Technically, I did provide something. 

While reading Haidt’s book, I thought of that. They want me to keep them safe from not getting high grades, or for being reminded they didn’t quite do the job. 

To be fair, not all the students defended. Many of them acknowledged how they could have done better, and they sincerely reflected on why. They were willing to discover something new, something to improve. They didn’t toss it back at me as if I’m to blame. 

The other complaint that got me was “not enough time.” 

They had THREE MONTHS. Enough said!

(Should I mention here that one girl missed 2 class periods with her team because her mom took her on a cruise?) 😝

Perhaps they are happy now because the Titanic project does tell them how to set up their slides. Maybe now they can relax and discover and imagine and create. I sure hope that is the case. 



Monday, April 29, 2024

Love is a Windbreaker

 Journal reflection:

Today I read the final chapter of AnneLamott’s book Somehow, and once again she brought tears to my eyes.

Love is a windbreaker, fashioned of people who sat and listened and got us tea, who did not run for their cute little lives when ours got dark. Who tucked us in, who got us to our feet and back outside, reminding us to lift our eyes to the hills. (pgs. 188-9)

Although nobody did those things physically for me, I know what they did do is just as valuable to me, and has been just as helpful. I know there are places I can reach out, to people who will listen and care, and will help me find shelter from the storm.

Anne reminds us again that all we need is love —because, somehow, it is everything.

I remind myself again to my commitment to LOVE and find joy.

What else is there to do?



Sunday, April 28, 2024

Tiny Folded Maps Revisited

My daily reading of Anne Lamott’s new book
Somehow:Thoughts on Love
has infiltrated my system,
bringing me back to
a found poem I wrote
last Sunday that, frankly,
baffled me. I didn’t know
what it was about.

But as I read the second
last chapter today, my
heart started to feel at rest
when I realized the dream I hold
in that tiny folded map
is my deep desire to bring
out the best in my learners
through love and joy.

The window I needed to open
was to my own cross-purposes.
How I was preventing the light
and needed to awaken to a
deeper love and find joy once more.

The hidden symmetries have been
revealed to me…
and it is a reward…a passage…a homecoming.

Anne talks about how 
God sets creation in motion
and is with us every step of the way,
eliciting a helpful spark within us,
the bright shining spark…

Be the spark.

Tomorrow, that reality begins.






Tuesday, February 20, 2024

The Women




I've been hearing of novelist Kristin Hannah for years, but it wasn't until this book I decided to make her a priority. My friend Laurie sent it to me after a short text discussion about being on long list at the local library to get the book in hand. It is already number one on the New York Times Bestseller list, and I am so glad I got to read it so shortly after its release.

The story follows a young woman in mid-1960s California who voluntary signs up to be an Army nurse and is sent to Vietnam. It is trial by fire for this woman, as she is there during the escalation of the war, and the events such as the Tet Offensive. Much of the book takes place after her return from Vietnam, and what she encounters, and how life takes many drastic turns.

I appreciated that Hannah's research into this time gives it the accurate feeling I remember about that time. I lived in a world where the war was regularly shown on television, and as a middle-schooler during the time of the assassinations of Martin Luther King and Bobby Kennedy, I was well-aware of the feelings about the war. The generation gap was a real thing, but as an admirer of Kennedy, I believed in his stance against the war. Years later I would learn MLK was speaking out against it as well, which was creating new enemies for him.
 
My dad's cousins were drafted, and came back changed men. PTSD is real, and they had many struggle which affected them the rest of their lives.

The war loomed in my high school years as well, as the draft threatened my brother and the young men I knew. All though out The Women, Hannah gets these details right. The way she describes the general feelings of the nation, especially young people, rings true to me. This goes right up to the Peace Accord of 1973 -- the year I graduated from high school. I remember we all knew that the agreement had been made and there was quite a party on New Years Eve 1972 when we felt free of the yoke of Vietnam.
 
The sad part is that the Vietnamese kept fighting, and the war didn't officially end for them until The Fall of Saigon on April 30, 1975. Sadly, that was right after my little brother died, and I wasn't even aware of what happened on that day until three years later in a movie theater when I was watching a film called Coming Home, the first of many films about the war and the aftermath.
 
*

The Women ends in 1982 when the memorial in Washington D.C. was dedicated for the 58,220 American lives lost, called The Wall.
 
I first visited The Wall in Washington D.C. by myself in September 1990 when I was in town for a conference. But it would be 1993 when it would take on even greater meaning for me.

In 1992 I met my friend Iris, and in January of 1993 her son took his life. We became fast friends after that. Iris is seven years older than I am, and had served in the Air Force during the time of the Vietnam War, although she never went there. She is a veteran of those times, so when we visited Washington D.C. in November 1993 for a conference, the monuments took on a more significant meaning than just my coming-of-age memories.
 
We drove to D.C. on November 11, 1993 (Veterans Day), and that day was significant because the Women's Memorial had been dedicated that day, giving recognition to the ones that were so often forgotten. (A common refrain in the novel is the many times the main character heard There were no women in Vietnam. In fact, there were over 10,000, eight who lost their lives.)

We had not been able to get tickets for the opening event at the conference, so that gave us the morning to visit the monuments. Given that it was Veterans Day Weekend, the mall were very busy, and we felt like something so large and significant. The amount of decorations was mind-boggling.




It was the Women's Memorial that took our breath away. The emotion on the faces is something to behold. I remember how much we wanted to just stay there and talk to people, and just BE. It was a gorgeous morning, and the timing was perfect.


 

On the back of the photograph below I had written that the man's name is Leroy and he was part of the Walk of the Warriors. He was having vets sign his flag, and Iris was happy to do so. (As an aside, this is the gift of good old photographs...I would not even remember what this was about if it wasn't written on the back of the photo.)

I looked up Walk of the Warriors and learned it was ignited by the Navajo Veterans Administration to honor their vets, in particular their women, and was timed for the dedication of the monument. Read more here.


I highly recommend everyone read The Women to understand more deeply what happened during that time, and why I continue to pray for peace as the real resolution to the problems of the world. And if nothing else, while reading it you will certainly be entertained by the celebrated storyteller that is Kristin Hannah.

Saturday, October 29, 2022

Strange Synchronicity

 Over the past couple of weeks, I've been reading a book called The End of Summer by John Lowry Lamb. I learned of this book through childhood classmates. John was in my class at St. Mark's from first through fifth grade, and had recently passed from a heart attack. He had published this book in 1995 and it appears to be his only published work.

 

The book itself is a bit somber, focusing exclusively on a 12-year-old boy whose parents die in an automobile accident. The narrative takes us into the thoughts and experiences of Nick, as he grapples with losses in his life.

What struck me most about the book was personal. That is, I found myself paying attention to his writing and the things he referred to along the way. For example, John Kennedy. We were in class together the day JFK was shot.

Beyond that, I think of the fact that he and I had the same writing instruction, the same teachers. Maybe this is a "writerly" thing, but I couldn't help it. He learned the way I learned, writing papers with a fountain pen, diagramming sentences, outlining textbook chapters.

The End of Summer has a fairly satisfying ending, and immediately afterward I went into my studio to get some things done on my computer. I picked a legal pad that had been sitting on my computer table for quite some time. I don't know why I suddenly noticed or cared to investigate at that moment a folded up page that was folded and clipped to the pad. I had--and still have--no recollection of why it was stored that way.

I opened it up and found a piece of writing, I assume from me since I tried searching lines and came up blank. I'm thinking it was some kind of exercise, and perhaps I thought I'd be revising it.

At any rate, I was rather stunned when I reached the end. This is the entire piece, which I will admit doesn't seem to make a lot of sense, especially because it feels like it picks up in the middle of something, but this is all I have:

Stopped to notice
the filtered sun
was like a pillow
 
I thought maybe it would
make the bleeding stop ---
a gold strand reached down
 
I sent letters of
unexpected love
but I found they just prick and sting
 
Then, the most
eloquent music
in the still night
 
Then I knew in the lavender light
It was the wistful end of summer
 

 
 


Year in Review 2024…and an Ending

  For a while I have been finding it difficult to get myself to this blog. I will write entire things out in my journal that I think I want ...