66. Hidden Wholeness

 #66Challenge

This is my final piece of writing for the #66Challenge, and what a wild ride it has been.

I have thought long and hard about what to write here. After taking the time to read back through all my entries, I thought I knew what I wanted to write about. It wasn't the happiest way to end this, but it felt necessary.

And that is this: Every school year, I come in with a plan of how I am going to address things like classroom procedures, design, and environment. But beginning in 2020, that became impossible, since everything was so crazy and up in the air. I had to fly by the seat of my pants, along with all the other teachers, just trying to figure everything out.

In 2021, the summer was very short, and I took two vacations with the expressed attitude that I would make no plans since I am teaching a new program and a new curriculum, they can tell me what to do. I gave it no thought.

What I wasn't prepared for was the lack of training and materials that would be coming my way. I was caught up short having relied on others. Just like the year before, it took months to figure out the best way to go. Little by little, things fell into place. And I finished the year on a real high, feeling like I had accomplished more than ever with my learners, and came through my darkest time as a teacher.  

I never got around to writing this piece. And then on Wednesday, two things I read synchronized, and I knew I had more to add.

It began with Parker J. Palmer in his essay* "Hidden Wholeness in a Broken World." He said:

As long as we're wedded to results, we'll take on smaller and smaller tasks, the only ones that yield results. If we want to live by values like love, truth, and justice -- values that will never be fully achieved -- "faithfulness" is the only standard that will do. When I die, I won't be asking about the bottom line. I'll be asking if I was faithful to my gifts, to the needs I saw around me, and to the ways I engaged those needs with my gifts -- faithful, that is, to the value, rightness, and truth of offering the world the best I had, the best I could give.

I knew this was it! I had spent a lot of time concerned about the "numbers" and totally missing what was most important in education -- time to BE with each other.

It speaks directly to where I have aimed myself for next school year, where my learners pointed me. We knew there was value in the reading program, but the kids asked for less of it. And I knew that they had not had enough time to work together, to speak to each other, to form the bonds in the room we needed. This lack of balance of other activities had left us all wanting, and was a disservice to them. And ultimately to me as well. 

By not planning to be the teacher I knew I could be from the start, I never really was able to fully recapture it. Once you're in the throes of the school year, it's hard to see everything you need to see.

My decision is to bring my loves to the forefront immediately--music and fishbowl discussions and less talk, more action. I will need patience and clear directives as we build relational trust, but, oh, the possibilities!

I am determined to bring the "hidden wholeness" to the forefront through right action. Palmer suggests helping people find the things they really want to do, not force them to do things they don't want to do. I can do this through focusing on developing good habits, taught through clear structures and protocols, and giving the learners a lot of choices in the what we do together in the classroom. Give them plenty of interaction time. Mostly, I want to have fun over and over as I watch them learn and interact and grow as readers and writers and speakers.

Then I read a short piece from Joy Harjo, and it coincided directly with what I had just read and wrote about from Parker Palmer. I wrote a short poem from it, and that is where I will leave this. I've done enough talking about my direction. Now I'm actively working on putting things in place. And I couldn't be happier!

What was known in both worlds broke. In jazz, a break takes you to the skinned-down bones. You stop for a moment and bop through the opening, then keep playing to the other side of the dark and heavy history.

 

I keep witnessing the breaks

in the world

all the goodness which

sometimes seems to have completely

disappeared.

But then I bop through it,

knowing only I can bring

faithfulness to my reason 

for being, that I have my

role to play (and others

have theirs)

This is the music

I bring to illusion

This is the hidden wholeness

of wisdom beyond.

 

 *From page 71 his book On the Brink of Everything:Grace, Gravity & Getting Old (2018)

**From page 105 from her collection Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings (2015)

65. Tribute to Kimberli

 #66Challenge

 

I could not let this project go by without acknowledging a student who will forever remain in my heart. 

I have taught thousands of students, many I have forgotten by name and face. Some I can recall a face and maybe a first name, but not a last. But in general, even with all the hours spent together, there is no space in my memory for all of them. 

However, because of the fact that I teach intensive reading, sometimes I have students more than one year. This past year I had at least five whom I taught through their whole middle school experience. And this one was a whopper, with the pandemic and all. 

Kimberli Z. stands out to me mostly because she is a dedicated reader and academic soul. She is originally from Honduras, and when she came to me in 6th grade she definitely still struggled with language. But she always loved to read, and every time I got a new book in, I gave it directly to her. One of those was The First Rule of Punk, a book I adore, and Kimberli did as well. Even this year we both continued to recommend it to other students.

The theme of the book is "Always remember to be yourself." And that is obviously Kimberli's motto as well. No matter how lazy other students in the class became, or unruly, I never had to think twice about what Kimberli was doing. She was on task, working through things, reading quietly...whatever was required.

When we shut down in March 2020, I remember Kimberli reaching out to me to help her with...math. I know she is a math whiz, but she felt the need to have a teacher helping her think things through, and for whatever reason she wanted me and not her math teacher. Even alone at home, with a gob of little brothers and sisters running around, she worked hard through whatever math we were working on (mean/median/mode, I think!)  I was grateful for the time with her, even if just on a Zoom meeting, and that day was a standout to me during a difficult time.

In 7th grade, she was a little different, but still a hard worker. She got into reading the romance type books that teens like, and so we didn't have a lot of common meeting points since I didn't tend to stock those books in my classroom. This was the year I was teaching hybrid classes, and had to assign a lot of independent work, and Kimberli just kept going, kept trying, against all odds.

In her 8th grade year I saw her really blossom. Once I gave an assignment to create a book cover for the story of your life. She created a whole booklet with all her favorite quotes and important goals and dreams. She worked on it for days. It wasn't even for a grade!

When we began the Read 180 program, she got frustrated with the independent reading segment because many of the books she had read already. I stretched to find her some things to read. In the spring, I handed her a book which I've kept on my shelf for years because I love it so much: Snowflower and the Secret Fan. I gave it to her to read and she fell right into it and had it completed in no time. She was so excited when she finished, declaring it her favorite book of all time, as it was about mother and daughter relationships in another culture. She said that was her favorite topic to read about. Of course, I had to give it to her. Right afterward I also gave her Joy Luck Club.

And let me note here that I am not the only teacher with this experience with Kimberli. One day she came in with a new book called The Firekeeper's Daughter. It was a gift from her 5th grade teacher whom she had seen the night before. She was excited to show it to me, as it had just been published. 

There is just something special about connecting to our students through literature.

Kimberli did wonderful work, but somehow stayed in intensive reading all those years. So I was delighted when I learned she had been accepted into the Florida Southwestern College high school, where she will be able to take high school courses at a level that will give her college credit, leaving there with an Associates Degree. I am not sure what the admission requirements are, but I do know other students who had applied and were not accepted. But if I know Kimberli, if she had to write an essay, she wrote the best essay possible. If she had to do a personal interview, she would have blown them away with her enthusiasm for learning. If I was running a school, I would want hundreds of Kimberlis!

When August rolls around, and my new students come in, I will be missing Kimberli's smile and presence. With any luck, a "new Kimberli" will arrive. Meanwhile, I will be praying and sending her good vibes for her new academic adventure, knowing she will give it her all and keep working to make her dreams come true.

 

 

 

64. Across a Distance

 #66Challenge

This piece was written on Thursday, June 9th in my journal, prompted by the poem "Love" by Czeslaw Milosz.

Love means to learn to look at yourself

the way one looks at distant things

For you are only one thing among many

Today I read an article about why this school year was so hard, and it broke down the pandemic repercussions on our kids. Whether it was trauma or relief, getting back to the way things were was difficult. I made a comment on the article that this is why I've felt so drained. "We teachers have been holding the world together," I said. And the thing is--we didn't know that is what we were called to do. It was thrust upon us unknowingly, and this is why after 90 days, I was ready to pack it in. 

Enough!

But once I took the larger view, as this poem suggests, it got better. 

And whoever sees that way heals his heart,

Without knowing it, from various ills.

A bird and a tree say to him: Friend.

Turning to A Course in Miracles and nature and music, I slowly recovered my part in the whole and came to know what I had to do: Be the light. From then on it was my daily mission, and I never wavered. Making that decision helped ease the road forward, and little by little, my most successful school year revealed itself.

 

Then he wants to use himself and things

So that they stand in the glow of ripeness.

It doesn't matter whether he knows what he serves:

Who serves best doesn't always understand.

I finished the school year with that feeling of ripeness, like I had brought the learners along to the best degree, and now I can move forward in even better ways. This poem reminds me again that staying in tune with the larger picture -- however we see that -- is the only thing that works. All is connected. All experiences live on in other experiences.

As I write this, I'm hearing the song "Shed Your Grace" by Rising Appalachia with Trevor Hall

I believe in holding on

Flock of prayer, mighty song

I find patience in stones

the muted Earth and she alone

Shed your grace upon us

Shed your grace upon us

Shed your grace upon us now

And this also speaks to the strong feeling I've had at this year's end, the one that helps me know I'm in the exact right place for me, that the work matters and brings meaning and purpose to me. When I hear the word "retirement," I cannot even relate! 

This is why: the larger thing, the distant view I get a sense of, but cannot see in detail, and being motivated by LOVE--patient, on-going, and difficult love.

This is grace.

The larger world lives in my every moment. Let me bring that to everything I do, for I am "only one thing among many."

 

 

63. Cool Observation

 #66Challenge

This year, I displayed this poster in my room, and had my learners do periodic check-ups on how they were doing in regard to the things that make a great student, even with no special talents.

At the beginning of the year, many of them felt they were doing things like being on time, showing kindness, having a positive attitude, and being prepared. Most reported believing in themselves and following instructions. (I had them rate themselves on a scale of 1-10.)

But the one thing that stood out on the first round was that most of them reported "Doing more than what's required" VERY low.  Mostly "1."  An occasional "3."  Maybe one at "5." It was so pervasive, I actually found it depressing. I had learners who could go through the basic motions, and even thought they had the right attitude for school, yet very few were the least bit motivated to go above and beyond the basics.

Fast forward to this past Monday, when I gave the reflection piece again. I was delighted and amazed that SO many of the students now rated themselves much higher on the "doing more than is required" statement. I had a lot in the 6-7 range, which purely delighted me after what I had seen earlier in the year.

I suppose I could go back and actually document this, student by student. But honestly, I KNOW that many of them have moved the scale on doing more than required. They have shown me they are taking pride in going the extra mile. Case in point: three of my ESOL students, all who started the year barely reading or speaking English, took on a crossword puzzle with words Shakespeare is credited with creating. Words like "rancorous" and "pedant."  AND they were being successful!!!

On the front board I have the words FOCUS * EFFORT * PERSEVERANCE. And those words describe my learners today. The ones that have come to know that "Each action is a vote for the person they want to be" as James Clear would say. 

This has led them to a worthwhile place:

Positive attitude. Risk taking. And feeling pride in a job well done.

62. Perfect Song

 #66Challenge

 

Today I found this line from Joy Harjo in her poetry collection Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings:

What kept me going was that perfect song I kept hearing, just beyond the field of perceptible sound.

 

I related so well, I immediately wrote this:

 

Coming down off the most difficult

and rewarding school year ever,

I read Joy's words and I know

that this is true for me -- that I

kept hearing a "perfect song" off

in the distance, and I knew it

was for me...I knew I would

eventually capture the lyrics enough

to make them come alive inside, 

then through joy and playfulness

and creativity and love, that song

would become a full reality on the 

outside and spur me on in ways I have 

attempted in the past, but never achieved.

 

And now I know the day has come.

And I am grateful for the struggle.

 

Like everything in life: grieve, release, begin anew. 

61. An Oldie But Goodie

 #66Challenge

This week I pulled out one of my favorite activities to do with young people. If it has a name, I don’t recall it. Furthermore, I don’t even know where I first learned of it. 

First, 4 students volunteer, and then they are asked to wait outside the door in the hallway. I ask the class who out of the four is the worst artist. They usually know! 

We call the “worst” artist in, and I show them this picture and tell the to draw it on the chart paper I have displayed. 

I took pictures of the results from my 11th period. 

Here is the first drawing. Not that bad! 

The next student has to draw theirs from the first student’s version. They never see the original.  Here is #2:

And it continues that way

#3 drawn from #2:

#4 from #3:

This one we called the “cat-rat.”

After everyone gets a good laugh, and the first person realizes in horror they were designated “worst artist,” we have a serious (but short) discussion on how this represents gossip and the spreading of rumors. 

The next thing that happens is the kids want to do it again, but I always resist. I remind them once they know the game, it isn’t going to work as well because the surprise is gone. 

Here is my 2nd period enjoying the process:

We had fun this week! 

60. The Post I Didn’t Want to Have to Do

 #66Challenge

This morning I cannot escape the feeling of devastation and sadness for my fellow educators in Texas.

The entire scenario is unimaginable.

Every day I ring the Tibetan bell I keep in my classroom as the way we center in as we begin class.

Since the Parkland shooting, I say this metta—always with the emphasis on safety and protection.

May we be happy and peaceful

May we be healthy and strong

May we be safe and protected

And may we live with ease

This is my daily prayer for us all, especially my precious learners.

Of course, I’m not under any illusion I can keep my young people safe against a legal assault weapon. 

Our country is failing its youth.

What else need to happen to turn the tide? I still believe all things work together for good.

It’s time.

59. Shakespeare & Hip Hop

 #66Challenge

Today I pulled out and oldie but goodie—lines from Shakespeare’s plays and lyrics from hip hop songs.  This is something from the Folger Shakespeare Library, and was squirreled away in a free kit I got from them many years ago. Our school is currently participating in One Book, One School, and the text this year is Shakespeare’s Secret, so it gives us opportunities to do some Shakespeare-related activities.

The process works like this: learners get a stack of strips with the lines. They randomly choose 10 to make a found poem. When done, they use the leftovers to form more purposeful poems. 

Here is a random:

(Take note: the bold lines are Shakespeare, the regular text strips are from hip hop songs.)

Here are a few more created “on purpose” today:

The kids were surprised at how these random lines could actually “make sense.”  Perhaps we took a short step to helping them not be afraid of the language of Shakespeare. Even if that did not happen, this tactile activity had them smiling! 

58. Reflections on Our Reading Progress

 #66Challenge

I asked my intensive readers to reflect on their reading progress this year. Some were not sure if they progressed, and a few did not feel they did at all (I disagree with some of their opinions!)

But many had good words to say about their progress. Here is their answers to the questions:

Did you progress as a reader this year? How do you know? 

Yes, I'm doing better than last year because I know more words.

Yes, because I read every day.

I did. I know because I like to read more than I did before.

Yes, because the Read 180 app and lots of reading has helped me.

I think I definitely did because before I never liked reading.

Yes, because last year I couldn't read English and now I can.

Yes, I'm getting better and better.

Yes, because I read more books this year than previous years.

Yes, I read a lot faster.

Yes, because I'm beginning to enjoy reading, and I never did before.

I think I did progress because I know new vocabulary, and if I don't know a word I can sound it out and get it.

 

55. Unexpected Moment

 #66Challenge

 

Ever since the pandemic hit in 2020, and my mother's social life came to a grinding halt, I have been hearing her decline over the phone, and saw it for myself last summer. In July 2021, she was officially diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer's. Talking with her on the phone can often be difficult, as she stretches for words, repeats herself constantly, and because of her limited activity, has little of interest to say.

Over the weekend, we celebrated Mother's Day. I watched online as people celebrated their mother as their best friend, someone they cannot live without, sadness over lost mothers, all the usual Mother's Day fare.

The thing is, never in my life have I felt my mother was my best friend. To put it straight -- she was adamant while she raised us that we were to be independent beings. And it worked. All of us are independent beings. She is our mother, and she struggled through some difficult times. We were together through those things, and watched how she powered through (although that wasn't a saying at the time), leaning on faith and activity to keep her going. She's a survivor for sure.

When I called her on Mother's Day she already had a lot of activity, and was doing the usual repeating things a few times. Stretching for something to say, I began to tell her about my intensive reading students, some who are 8th graders reading at a 3rd grade level (she was horrified at that thought!), and how much they accomplished this year. We had done the final reading inventory and nearly all of them had improved. I explained how, even when I offered to help them, they took pride in doing things themselves, whether it was spelling words or working on comprehension activities. 

And that is when something strange happened. My mother got very lucid and clear, as she told me that the reason they succeeded is because I am their teacher. She said it was a testament to what a good teacher I am that they took pride in their success. She reminded me that I had good teacher and bad teachers, and the good teachers make all the difference. She said something to the effect, "You are that good teacher, and I'm proud of you."  

These words still bring tears to my eyes as I retrieve them as best as I can from my memory. The moment was so unexpected, I didn't even think to write down exactly what she said. First, I was shocked at how clearly she was speaking. Second, I was overwhelmed with the fact that she was even saying it. My mother is not one to tell us much about who we are or how she sees us. The moment was so unexpected, I still get tears in my eyes recalling it.

My mother may not be my best friend, but she taught me what was important: faith, activity, and finding ways to survive difficult times. She did her best, and she got the job done. The last two years of teaching has been a survival story for all teachers, and I am one of them. I applied all I know to help get me through this year, which was definitely my roughest ever.

I learned from the best, and I am grateful.

Thank you, mom.

54. Drawing Metaphors

 #66Challenge

The FSA Reading test was yesterday and today, which means burnt-out kids and messed up routines. 

Fortunately, I know a bit on how to handle these kinds of days. Keep it easy. Keep it light.

We love the spoken word poem “Seventeen” by Rudy Francisco, who is the king of metaphors. Yesterday, we watched his video and studied the words a bit as a way to enhance our study of similes and metaphors. 

 

Today we were interrupted by an unexpected fire drill because of a glitch in the system, and we all had to stand outside in the blazing heat while the fire department checked it out. By the time we got back in, everyone was extra spent.

So I was glad to have this fun “drawing metaphors” activity ready to go. The last hour of the day I sat soaking in my 9th period as they worked on their drawings and explanations of some of the metaphors in Rudy’s poem. 

Not many students finished, but I did enjoy some of their drawings and explanations. 

Not many days left. I'm going to keep having fun because I know what I am giving them now is worth gold...and some of it they may actually remember in years to come.

53. My Heart Knows the Way

 #66Challenge

 

This poem poured out of me first thing today. It is a revisit of several others I've written for this project.

 

Cut brambles long enough 

sprout after sprout

I have gotten my teaching down to the essence of me

And the lotus will bloom

of its own accord

All this time I did not realize the lotus is me, not some outer creation

 

Already waiting in the clearing

the single image of light

 

I knew it was there all along. How did it get so obscured?

 

The day you see this

that day you will become it

 

"You will know what to do and when to do it"

 

52. Kintsugi (Gold-Filled)

 #66Challenge

 

Written on 4/22/2022, inspired by this line from the poem "Plate" by Al Zolynas:

 My life is simple

and full of surrender 

 

 

I have surrendered to knowing

that the only thing that

works as a teacher is to

teach in a way that works

for me.

Here is where I stand firm.

You want to dictate

to form my ways

to make me feel

like I don't know what

I'm doing.

You broke me once,

    but the gold filled in

    and now I'm strong

    in the weak spot.

Makes life so much simpler, 

to surrender to what God wants me to be:

whole, healed, and free.

51. What We Learned from Lebron

 #66Challenge

 

The kids were mostly surprised to learn the tough childhood Lebron had. It was obviously an inspiration to them.

49. "Fifty" Revisited

 #66Challenge

 

It is the smallest class, the one I previously wrote about, who has changed the most. 

No joke...it is mostly because one boy hasn't been coming to school.

Another falls right to sleep because all the sites he wants to go to on his Chromebook are blocked.

Another changed his tune after spring break. Threats from mom? Maturing? Hard to say for sure.

The biggest surprise -- the boy that has been disengaged and goofy all year suddenly paying attention, participating, doing his work. More than one day in a row now...

Ah...but my largest, most spirited class...

two monolinguals added.

The temperature turned up.

I take my Rescue Remedy.

And just pray I'll make it through.

Still...the good news is that I haven't added to the fifty referrals.

And hell...maybe I won't!

I can only hope...

48. School Year Twilight

 #66Challenge

Inspired by this line from the poem "Twilight" by Louise Gluck:

I let it go, then I light a candle.

I let go the things

I felt commanded to do.

I let go the need to

do it "right,"

because "right" isn't always right.

Now

I light a candle

to thinking

    creativity

    nourishment

something real that will last.

I let go the "gotta do,"

and light the way to "moved to do"

         the gifts that only I can give.

 

 

 

47. What We Learned from RBG

 

#66Challenge

It was an inspirational week.

46. Conversation

 #66Challenge

I made my pitch, my plea, for my creative writing classes back.

Of course, it all depends on numbers, blah blah.

I won't give up.

I'm going to remind the principal of his earlier promise. Yes, I consider it a promise.

I pulled out all the stops. Longevity. Three more years. Don't make me end this way.

If others can demand what they want, why can't I?

This is important. I need and want this. 

Honestly, I may not make it three more years otherwise.

45. Surprises

#66Challenge

On a Sunday morning at Costco, I ran into a student and his mother. They bought me a $25 gift card on the spot.

A couple of days later, I was invited by the Lehigh Senior Class of 2012 to be a guest of honor at their breakfast in May. Apparently, I was one of the most requested teachers they most wanted to catch up with.

Sometime among all these great teacher moments I made the decision to retire in 2025.

It suddenly was an easy decision.

44. Inflection Point

 #66Challenge

This is a quote from Joe Biden in the interview with Heather Cox Richardson:

There are certain periods in American history where you reach inflection points, when things change not necessarily because of the individuals involved, but because of the circumstances and how the world has changed. I think we're in one of those moments in world history where we'll see more change because of technology in the next 10 years, more than we've seen in the last 50 years. And I think it's hard for governments to get their arms around these changes in a way that continues to bring people together.

I knew right away he was hitting the nail on the head with education.

It's a function of government, and it involves LOTS of people. Even if I was able to think of what we should do as educators to address what is happening, it would take forever to get people on board.

In our faculty meeting this week we were introduced to this five step plan, of which the 4th step was mastery grading (something I was already doing until they took it away from me with canned curriculum), and eventually competency progression.

I'm on board. But as they said...it will take YEARS.

Meanwhile, we all suffer.

It caused me to look up what I heard in the 80s, on how knowledge doubles.

In 1985, when I heard about this, knowledge was doubling every five years.

Now it is doubling every 13 HOURS.

As Joe says, it is technology that causes this motion. 

How to respond is the difficult part. Because, after all, as soon as you do everything will have moved on.

Inflection point, indeed.