A Million New Versions

 When I reviewed my writings here from last week, I felt a bit annoyed with myself. Why do I change every day? Why am I seemingly always setting a new course? I had told myself to tamp it down already.

Then I read a poem called “Unlearning” by Nikita Gill, where she posits that womanhood is about unlearning all you’ve been taught. Now, this isn’t a new thought to me, but the words here got me:

how to understand 

there are a million 

new versions of you 

hiding under your skin

This immediately made me feel less crazy about my process, and helped me understand that’s the purpose of living and growing. We are all doing it all the time…I’m just vocalizing it.

So welcome to the Monday January 22, 2024 version of me. She comes with beauty and purpose and yes, a little fierceness. Every day can be a tiny celebration of something newly discovered.

Groundwater (a monostitch)

Inspired by "The Hurting Time" by January Gil O'Neil

The only time I listened much

to Annie Lennox

was 13 years ago when Jim

was in the hospital

after nearly dying, so I can

concur with O'Neil when

she talks of how "her words

get inside me/like groundwater"

since I can't hear Annie without

thinking of those days;

and I think of them now

as concern swirls around

our long term health,

and what is to come.

An incredible performance of "Why"

 

Remember This Day

Inspired by a writing prompt using a photograph. This is a series of haiku.

Remember this day

Magical November vibe

Miami Book Fair

Hard Rock Cafe lunch

Dana and Jim Morrison

Long conversation

Sigma Tau Delta

These are the ones who fed me

Book nerds united

Remember this day

When we were all together

Two thousand and four.

50. New Moon Today

#64Challenge

This post begins with a copy of an email I wrote yesterday to my department chair:

So today while I was eating lunch, my husband told me about an Education Virtual Town Hall that was on TV so I watched it. They had Arne Duncan and Bill Bennett on, talking about virtual ed. Then they had some parents talking about their experience teaching their kid at home. Then they had a psychologist answering the parents questions.

The last third of the show they had teachers discussing the state of things and answering some questions.

The most outstanding thing I heard was from the psychologist. We all know we are under stress, and that accounts for a lot of how we feel and react.

But even more, kids at the stage of puberty are in such a place in their development, that this is harder on them. What struck me was that she said something to the effect that stress without an endpoint in site actually causes the brain to rewire itself, basically slowing down the frontal cortex which affects memory, motivation, and even motor skills and spatial reasoning. It can add to changes in behavior like aggression (which I’m guessing is why there have been so many kids Baker Acted lately)

What I came away with was an even deeper understanding on how we have to be careful about our expectations. In many cases, the kids really may NOT be able to remember if they did an assignment, or be able to read or understand what to do. And it might cause them to push us away, as they may no longer be responding to the “reward” of a job well done or good grades. The brain may have made those things unimportant as a means to survive and handle stress. 

I know you are doing a presentation tomorrow, and I know you may not have time to get into this stuff. But it seems very important to understand that there can be some real physical changes in the brain that will affect our kids. 

Today I wrote this poem, modeled after Owen Sheers' "Winter Swans."

It's a new moon today

and it has brought

me back in balance.

It has been so

up and down

this week, trying

to figure out my

new role, trying to

make sense of where

we are. And I am

coming into a place

of understanding

all I can do is be

a safe place, a

possible haven

in a world with 

no endpoint in sight.

Forever Changed

“Forever Changed”

This would be the day to change her 8^th grade year. An angel drawing.  A nice boy.

At the table, Ariel hands Jared the paper square, and he unfolds the angel image. Chris, next to him howls. Is that supposed to be YOU?  He and Jared laugh together. Chris dumps milk on it. Jared crumples loudly. He won’t look at her. He lets Chris bat the ball of paper away.

Back at her desk, with pen she writes on her arm I hate you.  At the end, she presses the point into her flesh until blood seeps out.

Forever changed.

Willa

Today I taught extended metaphor poems in my Creative Writing class, and decided I'd better write one of my own.  I'm deeply involved in Barbara Kingsolver's new novel Unsheltered, so I wrote about one of the main characters.

WILLA

She’s a rock formation

In a foundation-less world.

Lost in the woods

When she least expects it.

Her field of frustrations--

Sinkholes in the earth--

Are an abandoned son,

A rebellious daughter,

And now a grandson,

This motherless child,

Who should be the sky

That graces Willa's landscape.

Hard to deal with when she

Has nowhere to plant her feet.

Yet, the meadow has flowers

And Willa wants to touch them.

Birds fly over the ocean

Following their own map.

Maybe someday she can find hers,

When anxiety gets controlled

And she takes the next step,

The one that will find her standing

In the clear light of day

On solid ground…

Unsheltered.

Smart Girls, Part Two

FLIGHT

Finley aims with a clear eye

Light arrow hits the mark,

Ignoring flights of fancy.

Grounded in her beingness.

Home in herself, and her

Trajectory of success

SHAPES

Sharp mind

Humorous and humble

Anna squares off

Pointing to contradictions

Embracing all conversation

Safe in her circle of knowing

Warm Fire

Cassidy -- a warm fire in a cold world.

Ready for anything, her eyes glittering.

She moves as if in a palace

of her own making, of her

own creation, knows how to be good,

how to stay in deserving graces.

SILVER

Sophisticated and modern

Intuitive and balanced

Living in harmony with others

Velvet fits this girl Ja'kira

Emblem of soft strength

Regal, graceful, and smooth

CREST

Curls rest atop her head

Reaching and rising, Amiyah is an

Emblem of the wave, the hill

Sailing her way to the apex

Taking up her coat of arms

Night Wind

Erica must know

the foreverness of blue sky

the elusiveness of night wind

the voices of mountains

taking her into herself.

 

Hannah Flies

In a moment of clarity

Hannah flies

face as fresh as

a winter day

searching for the high place

believing in

the soundless shadow of love.

STRING

Stretching herself

Threading ideas together

Run of academic success

Intricate movements

Never losing composure

Grounded and centered -- Emily

SILENCE

Spends class time in silence.

It is her right to do so.

Listening, but responding rarely.

Expressing her thoughts carefully.

Navia may not be loquacious, but has

Collected within herself

Everything she will ever need.

* Inspirations *

"Flight" by Twyla M. Hansen

"Urban Renewal XX" by Major Jackson

"Ode to My Mother's Handwriting" by Barbara Hamby

"Spiddal Harbor" by David Whyte 

"Savior" by Maya Angelou

"Fire" by Joy Harjo

"In a Moment of Madness, a Dublin Poet Thinks for an Old Love" by David Whyte

"Call It Fear" by Joy Harjo

"Tuesday June 4, 1991" by Billy Collins

147.6

 Yes...the title is my weight as of this morning.  How did I get here?  Well, I've decided I cannot go into every detail. Instead, well, a bit of a "song" came to me.  I read a poem this morning called "All I Was Doing Was Breathing" by Mirabai, and it began to form a bit of a chorus in my mind, which I combined with a list poem.  (Mirabai was writing in the sixteenth century, and her poem had absolutely nothing to do with weight, btw.)

My weight journey has been as varied as everyone else's -- thus, the theme of this piece.  By the way, my soundtrack for writing this is the album The Raw and the Cooked by Fine Young Cannibals, a CD I listened to nearly every day in the summer of 1990 when I was at my fittest in my adult life in a healthy way:

Body by Jazzercise and calorie counting with the little calorie book.

 Sept. 1990

"All I Was Doing Was Breathing"

All I was doing was breathing

My cells made decisions without me

The female body journey

An unexplainable mystery

There is no end to what we will try

As the decades pass and our weight confounds us

Richard Simmons Never Say Diet  Aerobic Dancing

Jane Fonda    Jazzercise    Denise Austin

  Calorie booklets    Gold's Gym    Elaine Powers

Coach to 5K    My Fitness Pal

Fitbit and many, many attempts at running

All I was doing was breathing

My cells made decisions without me

The female body journey

An unexplainable mystery

Diet for a Small Planet   Laurel's Kitchen

Making a 40 day attempt at vegetarianism

Craving meat the entire time

Mediterranean Diet     Blood Type Diet    

Sonoma Diet      Eating Well magazine

No end to the things I've tried, some over and over again

Results vary...never consistent

All I was doing was breathing

My cells made decisions without me

The female body journey

An unexplainable mystery

Yoga   Walking the neighborhood

Walking the hillsides   Walking the riverbanks

Walking around the lake   Gentle Yoga   Lifting weights

 Walking the forests    Walking the beaches

Map My Walk in state and city parks

Restorative Yoga    Walking    Walking

And sometimes not walking but meaning to

All I was doing was breathing

My cells made decisions without me

The female body journey

An unexplainable mystery

Weight went up, weight went down

Sometimes I knew why    Very often I did not

Divorce and depression -- pounds dropped

Work stress or menopause -- weight goes up

Move to Florida -- go up a pant size

And now, without explanation, it's dropping again

Thirteen pounds down since January

No effort on my part -- too much chocolate and ice cream

Just hope it doesn't go too far this time

New wardrobe not in the budget nor desired

All I was doing was breathing

My cells made decisions without me

The female body journey

An unexplainable mystery

Life turning point brought long hair and skinny bod, "thanks" to depression  June 1999