Where Are You?

 You called my phone at 5:40 AM

A strange occurrence 

You asked

Where are you?

Then said

I need help.

Your brain was in a fog

You were struggling to breathe

And now you’re in the hospital

Where you are already improving

We pray this is a path to better care

You deserve nothing less.

View from hospital room

Mid-July…Where is My Summer?

Thinking out loud here because I’m too tired to do anything else.

I slept okay…the exhaustion is emotional.

My husband is in good hands in the hospital, I know. 

Now I just take care of myself, even as there are things I cannot do…like put on the compression belt. 

Meanwhile, the thing called summer is a blur.

 Soon school will begin again and I don’t feel I will have had any time to rejuvenate.

Just trying to get through each day.

My yoga teacher said she’d send a guided meditation I can listen to. I hope she does.

I’m dragging. 

But I’m breathing. 

So there is my focus.

Begin Again (journal entry)

 

Now that school is ending, I find myself drifting into fearful thoughts. I know it, yet it keeps happening.

I fear the loss of my husband.

I fear the loss of my career.

I fear a future uncertain -- even as early as August.

Just saying this makes my chest tighten up.

Today I read in Parker Palmer's book his essay called "Begin Again." Within his reflection on "beginner's mind," he included a poem written by Wendell Berry for another poet named Hayden Carruth. This part near the end really hit me:

I greet you at the beginning, for we are

either beginning or we are dead. And let us have

no careers, lest one day we be found dead in them.

I greet you at the beginning that you have made

authentically in your art, again and again.

 

 

BEGIN AGAIN to live ARTFULLY.

I have to stop thinking about THE END. That is where my fear lies.

In my best days, I'm aware there is a life ahead of me I cannot even imagine.

I have to keep reminding myself, because I get caught up short. Like the other day driving home from work. I had heard wonderful stories of people 20-30 years younger than I am making career moves and changes. It caused feelings of sadness for myself that those kinds of days are over for me. 

But again -- in my best days I know there can always be a surprise waiting, something I cannot see now from where I stand.

I have to believe.

And my chest loosens up at these words.

***

I don't keep a good walking schedule, so today I decided to begin again. I took a walk around the neighborhood on a relatively cool morning. I went with the intention of looking for signs of new beginnings. Nowhere was it more prominent than in the palm trees. Everywhere I looked, the trees had new shoots rising from the top, a sure sign that life goes on for the tree. New beginnings. New attitudes. Growth, possibility, and life.

Nature never fails to support us, does it?

Busy Day Ahead

It has been a busy week, and today will be the busiest. Lots of presentations on the schedule, and I’m covering for a colleague during my planning. That will leave me about 20 minutes to take a breather.

So as I finished my coffee, I went to my coloring app and found this dandelion picture to color. It caused me to reflect on the fact that daffodils are one of the main things I miss living in Florida.  

Maybe later today I’ll add something on to this daily post. But for now, I’m just taking a deep breath with the daffodils before getting into the fray.

ADDENDUM—Today was not bad. Witnessed a lot of great presentations, one class had time for a dance party, one had a game of Silent Ball, my 6th graders started the Titanic project, and I’m not nearly as tired as I anticipated. Came home and found my husband had ordered us a new computer, as ours are slowly dying…and he switched us off our expensive cell phone plan on to one way more reasonable. Thank you AARP discounts! 

On to the weekend! 

The Return

 The day I’ve waited for finally came today. I was able to return to Bunche Beach in the early morning hour.

I found myself breathing deeper than I have in a while. I couldn’t take enough pictures! So delighted to be among the sand and gently lapping waves and shorebirds skittering the edges, the newly lit Sanibel Island Lighthouse blinking from across the bay. Sunlight streaked the sky as I made my way down to the point, the place I always go, seashell in hand, to my prayer tree. I had no idea if it would be there. 

It was! Battered quite a bit, but now with an even bigger hole to slip my prayer shell.

It was a homecoming.

On the way back I found a place where someone had drawn a circle. I drew a heart within it to represent my return…with love. 

BREATHE (7 Lines, 7 Days #88)

 #108Weeks

January 16-22, 2022

Best movie in a long time: The Tender Bar.

Real laughter is the best way to breathe (Thanks, Natalie).

Everything out of order with my classes is mind-boggling. Glad they’re now back on track.

And reading out loud to them is so fulfilling!

Thich Nhat Hanh, who taught me so much about BREATHING, has left the planet. His teachings will never die, as they are vital to our existence.

Happy surprise when a few changes made one class take off— and on a Friday, no less!

Every morning Wordle gives me a great challenge. Love it!