Let’s Talk About Taylor

 

Today I had a whole shitload of stuff to do for school, and as I worked on it I listened to three new albums that dropped yesterday. The final one was the new Taylor Swift. 

I’m not a Swiftie by any stretch, and the only album I have deeply loved and know well is her very first one. To say I’m just a casual listener is accurate; of course, I’m a huge fan of one of her best—“ All Too Well.”

In passing, I was reading some reviews of the album. One mentioned the album made “All Too Well” sound lightweight. That caught my attention.

After listening, I find that is accurate, as are many other comments I’ve read on the album. Taylor says the lyrics were more important than ever to her, and even in background listening the intensity penetrates. Remember I was listening while focusing on creating assignments and grading.

When I was about 11 songs into the 17 song album, I realized there was something I recognized here. A thought came…How old is Taylor anyway?

I quick search gave the exact answer I anticipated:

I knew it.

It isn’t significant that she is exactly half my age. But I know something about her age I’ve observed for decades based on my own experience.

At that age I had become an entrepreneur working from home, which was not all the rage as it is now. I had worked my way to a place where I thought This is it. I’m in the exact right spot.”

But something didn’t feel right. I felt restless. Dissatisfied. Aimless. And none of those words actually fit. 

I told Jim and he suggested I find someone to talk to. I knew he was right. Someone must have recommended a therapist, and I went to see her. I think her name was Vicki.  

The first visit I told her the mish-mash of feelings I was having. She suggested I check out the good Passages by Gail Sheehy. This was a very popular book in the 1970s and I still had it on my shelf.  I went home and read about my particular time of adulthood, and learned that what I was feeling was the female midlife crisis. It comes earlier than men experience, which is usually later thirties/early forties. Naturally, most people don’t know women have it, too! And it is usually between 34–36. This is when women seek divorce, or go back to school. It’s when all the finely laid plans seem wrong. 

I can’t speak for what it is like to be Taylor. I understand she had a breakup after 6 years, which was the motivation for her. But I recognize the emotion in this line from “Fortnite”:

All my mornings are Mondays stuck in endless February

That’s midlife crisis! She is blessed with the ability to put this experience into words that hit on a deep level, so that even a woman twice her age can say, yeah, I get it…I remember.

I only saw Vicki one more time. I went to tell her that she had pointed me exactly where I need to look.

Taylor is doing that now for millions of women around the world. They will know they aren’t alone when that ennui about life sweeps over them. They will have songs to sing that will speak to the experience. Music will light the dark passage and provide the healing needed. A beautiful and necessary gift between tortured poets.

 

No Pep Talk Needed Today

 I went to a concert last night. After the week I had, the timing was perfect.

I had never been a Tanya Tucker fan. The whole world was aware when she came on the scene at 14-years-old in 1972, but I was not interested. Over the years I came to know many of her songs, and last night as she sang some of them, I realized how much I actually like them! I particularly enjoyed “It’s a Little Too Late” and “Strong Enough to Bend” (which made me cry.)

But that isn’t why I wanted to see her. Last year, I learned that she put out a second album with Brandi Carlile and Shooter Jennings as producers. I thought I’d give Sweet Western Sound a listen, not realizing how deeply I would fall in love with it. It’s not lost on me that perhaps it is meant for people in my age group (Tanya is 3 years younger than I am). After all, she wrote a song called “Dear Linda” about Linda Ronstadt’s influence on her. I’d say that’s a woman who knows me! 

Most of the audience was my age and younger. A woman next to me who brought her daughters said she was 60. It was clear that not the entire audience knew the newer songs. But Tanya is a pro, and she introduced the audience to several of the songs I love, and I’m sure she earned herself a lot more sales as a result.

But the reason I’m writing is not a concert review, but rather how uplifted I am by the experience.  I woke this morning alive and talking, none of the scary shit running through my brain. Admittedly, I’ve had to give myself a pep talk every day to stay in line with what I know to be true. It is already well documented in the blog, and will continue to be so. 

But today I feel free from that. Once again, music has provided a much-needed healing balm. And right now, that is highly welcome in my life. 

The Fire

This morning I read the poem “You Darkness” by Rainer Marie Rilke, and decided to use the last line to start my own poem. 

I have faith in the night

as it brings me ideas 

and yes, sometimes worries 

and on occasion, regrets.

The older I grow the more I know 

the value of the dark,

and this is what Rilke 

so brilliantly expresses.

The fire —it’s fine 

but what we need most 

is the dark,

so we can find the fire

 in ourselves.

What will you do? What will you say?

Today I read a poem by David Whyte called “Horse in Landscape: Franz Marc.” I looked up the painting so I could understand the poem better. 

He describes much of what you see here, and then he writes:

What will you do 

and what will you say 

in the times 

when you are left alone 

to meet, like this, 

the quiet fury of the world.

I thought he was referring to the landscape. Then I realized, no, he meant the horse — the horse represented the “quiet fury.”

I am not sure about the quiet fury of the world, but I know my quiet fury. I faced it again yesterday when discussing Jim’s health. The frustration and loss sometimes overwhelms me and yes, I am angry. I feel that tightening in my chest and what I say is…

There is a plan — I just don’t know it yet.

And what do I do?

TRUST.

I have lived long enough to know these are the only worthy  responses. I know acceptance is everything. Surrendering to what IS and not what I think it should be is essential.

And make no mistake—-this very much feels like I’m alone. It is my choices in life brought me here. And God did not bring me this far to see me fall.

So, I face the fury of my own future as I stand in a colorful landscape of love and awareness and nature. I allow myself…

To be lifted

To have the sun in my heart

To find joy

Over and over and over again, this is my response.

This is what I do. This is what I say.

Finisterre: That’s Not You

 

The road beating you down is not the only road.

The moon is over your home while the

sun shines here on a spring Sunday.

The future is now in a new question

and that comes with a willingness to

be open to the messages of the universe,

the butterfly and sunflowers drew the

voice to your awareness and that is

all good: miracles are at hand.

Those from the past are very present.

Leave your shoes, your books, and

walk to a new beginning when the

time is ripe. You truly were giving up

too soon. And we know that is not you.

Become part of all that is and

stand in the trees, stand on the shore,

then walk on, no matter what.

(Inspired by people I know who just finished walking the Camino in Spain, David Whyte’s poem “Finesterre,” and Paul Simon’s Seven Psalms.)

A Pantoum Written Pre-Ian 9.26.22 "Place of Mind"

This poem inspired by Richard Blanco's "Place of Mind" which uses the pantoum form of repeating lines in specific ways. The italicized line in my poem is from his poem.

Growing older, I'm settling in

Maybe even permanently so

I'm curious of the future

Feel no immediate needs

Maybe even permanently so

I stay in the moment, now

Feel no immediate needs

Of what does my Act 3 consist?

I stay in the moment, now

Rest my brain -- heart -- soul

Of what does my Act 3 consist?

Accumulation of the "mes" before?

Rest my brain -- heart -- soul

Remember to be Big Sky

Accumulation of all the "mes" before

Always beginning, yet always ending

Remember to be Big Sky

Growing older, I'm settling in

Always beginning, yet always ending

I'm curious about the future

4:05 pm

9.26.22

Thinking Out Loud on an Auspicious Solstice Morning

 Written 12-21-21

I am finding inspiration and motivation from every direction.

A few days ago I realized I was ready to move on from the place I've been, which has been rather stuck. I knew this was coming, but I did not have a vision.

Today the vision began to form.

First, with Atomic Habits by James Clear. I'm thinking What kind of person do I want to be? And What habits will get me there?

This motivated me to get on my exercise bike, and I put on a podcast from Michael Meade called "The Cultivated Heart: In Loving Memory of Robert Bly."  I have met both of these men before, and Robert passed a month ago today.  In the podcast, Michael focused a lot on writings Robert did for a poetry anthology they worked on together called The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. It has always been one of my favorite collections.

What was helpful to me is that the topic of cultivating our hearts caused Michael to focus on a few specific poems, two of which really spoke to me.

 

I think I will also take a moment to mention why I knew I was stuck, even as I knew it was time to move on. First, I had a meeting with some friends where I found myself blaming a lot of others for things I'm encountering. This left me emotionally reeling for at least 12 hours, and was not a pleasant experience.

Second, I met a friend for lunch and a Broadway show, only to find myself surprised that she brought me Christmas presents. Why I was surprised baffled me. We always exchange gifts. How is it that I have not even given it ONE thought these last few weeks when I knew we had this event coming up?  My only answer is that I have become ridiculously insular and selfishly focused that even things that should be evident go right past me. Not a good feeling. I blamed myself deeply for the neglect of this important exchange.

Another thing I encountered recently that brought me up short was revisiting other blog posts from Decembers of previous years. It is there I found something I wrote on December 9, 2017 called "On Questions and Contradictions." In this post I discovered that much of what I keep complaining about now are the exact same things that were happening then. Have I not even figured out how to do better?

In the blog, I referred to the poem "The Sunflowers" by Mary Oliver, in which she suggests we ask sunflowers questions:

Come with me
to visit the sunflowers,
they are shy
but want to be friends;
they have wonderful stories
of when they were young –
the important weather,
the wandering crows.
Don’t be afraid
to ask them questions!
Their bright faces,
which follow the sun,
will listen, and all
those rows of seeds –
each one a new life!

I then proceeded to ask myself a lot of questions, many I still have today. Things like...How do I get through to my students? Why do I go through this every year? What will make real change? 

And most importantly, Why can't I be you, Sunflower?

Coming upon this blog post was unforgettable in this current quest.  Leave it to Michael Meade to pick up the pieces for me when he read this poem:

This poem connected everything together -- all my tears, my grief, my vulnerability, my blaming of others, and a good comeuppance on how wrong my view can be. This is about seeds being cultivated. It has been too easy to tighten up and not let that seed explode into something wonderful. After all, everything real in life is about breaking open to the moment. Without it, there is no creativity, no innovation.

Michael goes on to explain:

[We must live] with immediacy of the soul, that rare sense that the next moment can break open. And that we must...marry it, step into it, and become ourselves in that moment of opening and awaking. If we fail to do that we have not fully participated in the world.

It is obvious I have to do that which is really difficult for me -- truly open up, live more fully, love more actively. I have been saying this for years, and I think I'm doing it, but recent events have found my fault lines. And recent events have also taught me I have no time to waste. I look ahead and I see an end line. This is a new feeling, and one I must reckon with.

But Michael wasn't done. Then he introduced this poem, which gave me further marching orders!

To Be a Slave of Intensity (Kabir, trans. by Robert Bly)

Friend, hope for the guest while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think...and think...while you are alive.
What you call 'salvation' belongs to the time before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,
do you think
ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic
Just because the body is rotten -
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
you will simply end up with an apartment in the City of Death.
If you make love with the divine now, in the next life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!

Kabir says this: When the guest is being searched for, it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest that does all the work.
Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity. 

JUMP INTO EXPERIENCE WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE.

BREAK THE ROPES.

I simply LOVE that! 

"So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is, Believe in the Great Sound"

Welcome it all--joy and sorrow. Don't ignore any of it. ENGAGE!

So the answer to Why can't I be you, Sunflower?

is

I AM. I just don't activate it.

*

I'm not quite done, even though that seems like quite a lot.

For the first time in a long time I pulled a Rune stone. And the word was perfect, of course: FAITH.

This is already a word I have embraced during the journey over these past few months. I discovered it when I did the 33 Question Cards to find my word. When the Rune divination said the same, well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

And I still needed these words:

Faith encourages us to believe that we can make a difference -- in ourselves and in the world.

And so, on this auspicious solstice day of 12-21-21, I commit more fully to the life I know I need to live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy. I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all--every ugly or beautiful moment, encounter, or feeling-- as TEACHER.

I needed to identify the turning point, and this has been it.

11:05 am  12/21/2021

 

Good Orderly Direction (7 Lines/7 Days #72)

 #108Weeks

 

September 26-October 2, 2021

 

 Jim turned 79. It was a low-key birthday.

Having a hard time getting myself out for a walk.

Still struggling with classroom misbehavior. 

Keep adjusting seating and how I do the workshop lessons: a never ending puzzle.

I accept the guidance of God: Good Orderly Direction

Had two nights I did not sleep well for no discernible reason.

Exhausted. But still motivated.

Practicing Presence (7 Lines/ 7 Days #64)

 #108Weeks

August 1-7, 2021

 

 Be present. Pay attention.

Sunday brunch was a surprise -- really felt the love from my dear friends.

Lots of ups and downs the first day. Why was I so emotional?

The student numbers in my intensive reading classes are higher than I'd like them to be.

Open House was great. So. Many. Hugs.

I'm so grateful I have an experienced team around me. I have more support than ever.

I continue to be chill and let what I need come to me. This is the result of practicing presence.

Walking a Memory

 It was still dark that December morning when I ran this trail, alone in my disbelief and grief. At 6 a.m. in 1980, my husband at his night shift job at the steel mill, I was a solitary figure on a new bike trail that ran along the soon to open I-480 in North Olmsted, Ohio.

This morning I relived that memory of the morning I heard John Lennon had been killed. I recall running on that mild morning, tears welling up time after time. My desire to be a runner was hard fought, and I have never really become one. I gave up on it long ago. And one thing I know—after that morning, I don’t think I was ever on this trail again until today. 

When I heard our hotel was close to Great Northern mall, I couldn’t stop thinking about walking the trail. The area is extremely built up now, not the many fields with a highway cutting through. I was surprised by the number of houses, as I would have told you this bike path was totally remote. I was amused by the barn on one property, so reminiscent of the farm community North Olmsted once was, and the high rise looming up behind it. 

Much like that day in December over 40 years ago, I was alone on the trail except for one woman with her dog way ahead of me. The maintenance isn’t great, and I know there are better trails in the area for people to frequent. 

Returning here today helped me breathe easier somehow.  I can’t help but think again how grief layers into us. The fact that I had no one to talk with about this for a few hours means I had to handle it alone. I can see now why this has always stuck with me.

Delighted by the wildflowers, and happy that I got a 2 mile walk in, I returned to my hotel, my heart at peace and a lingering memory resolved. 

TKO (7 Lines/ 7 Days #54)

 #108Weeks

 

May 23-29, 2021

 

Important notes about this post: This week I added a bit of a theme and stuck with it. After all I went through I feel like I should have a terrycloth robe with my name embroidered on the back. It was tough, and I'm not sure the next 13 days with kids will be any better. It's exhausting for everyone to have a year like this. This post marks my halfway point with with this project. I am grateful to be keeping this documentation of events, even the painful ones.

 

 

On Sunday I had a nice walk with Amy at Lakes Park, then to Fancy's for Chicken and Waffles. YUM.

In order to survive, I'm teaching a novel to 5th period called The Contender, about a 16-year-old high school drop-out training to be a boxer. Most kids are really into it. It's a perfect story for these guys.

Tuesday was a chill day. The calm before the storm.

JAB--I have to sit in another teacher's classroom with 6th graders for hours while the 7th and 8th graders test. Returning to my room, I spilled a large mug of water, nearly wiping out my cellphone.  Also lost a pair of good reading glasses in transit. Then rushed through 17-minute period (6 classes) the rest of the day. In that short time I managed to write 2 referrals in 5th period.

CROSS--Walking quickly at school I turn a corner and my right foot slides and go down on my left knee, shocking me. No indication the floor had just been mopped. I was traumatized for several hours, but appear to be okay. Falling at any age is tough. At 65, it is scary as hell.

HOOK--Had to write two more referrals* during 5th period. One girl was screaming at a boy during a class discussion. Is there no end to this madness?

UPPERCUT --Anxiety has built up in my chest. Even after getting a massage, I didn't sleep well and had a frustrating dream. Thank God for a 3-day-weekend. I need to recover, because I'm back in the ring on Tuesday.

*I have only written 3 other referrals all year.  This week I wrote FOUR.

Small Shifts (7 Lines/7Days #49)

 #108Weeks

 

April 18-24, 2021

 

Inspired by Celie in The Color Purple, I wrote a long letter to God and put it in my God Jar. I asked for help in keeping my grading manageable, and to help me develop better routines. The ones I have are not sustainable. I cannot continue to give away my weekends to all of this.

Refuse to struggle

I find myself thinking about retirement. Even looked at the numbers.

Writing test day was just boredom and babysitting.

I came home from work Wednesday feeling incredible because I set the parameters of the class again, started reading conferences, and had my 6th graders handwrite their video responses. 

It was refreshing and uplifting.

I will have my weekends open from now on.

It's Saturday. All grading is done and I'm chillin'.
 

Spring Break (7 Lines/7 Days #44)

 #108Weeks

March 14-20, 2021

 

 

We're always serving and receiving -- it goes both ways

Watching Mickey Guyton sing "Black Like Me" on the Grammy Awards was to bear witness and learn again.

It's important to celebrate even when we think there is nothing to celebrate.

I've read 17 out of the 73 books (my target this year), but only 3 were written by women. I now will track that and get a bit of balance!

The Van Gogh Alive was amazing. I cried when surrounded by sunflowers, "Ava Maria" playing. Wonderful time with my fascinating friends!

Sadly, Jim's healthy issue is not resolving despite our efforts

The Universe responds to my dreams and needs 

 

 

(First two quotes from Bernie Glassman. The last one from Julia Cameron)

The Ingredients: Year in Review in Photos

Yesterday my dear friend Laurie shared a piece of writing she did from an inspiration she received: to identify peak moments of the past year in photos. In any year, this would be an awesome activity. But for 2020, it presented a lot more challenges.

My initial feeling was that I didn't have many photos from the year, and certainly not ones that represented the themes suggested. It made me feel weird, but I kind of accepted it.

Then today I picked up my morning inspirational read, which is Instructions to the Cook: A Zen Master's Lessons in Living a Life That Matters by Bernie Glassman.  The book uses cooking as a metaphor for how to live a Zen life. I already know that the ingredients I use for living a Zen life are whatever I have in front of me. The job of "the cook" is to use what is available.

Today I read this line:

 The clarity of our vision determines the set of ingredients in front of us.

My mind went immediately to the photos. I thought, hmmm, maybe I didn't look at "my ingredients"with clarity of vision. Maybe there was more there than I initially thought.

Then I recalled some events early in the year that I had not seen in my photo library.  Sure enough -- it was because I had moved them to amazon photos and deleted them off my phone to save storage.

Now I was inspired.

Here is my Year in Review in Photos. I have made one change: instead of "something new I tried," I put in "something I discovered" that was very meaningful. 

Thanks a million, Laurie!

 

HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR: In a year where frequenting a restaurant became an act of bravery, it was wonderful to think back to that Saturday in February many of us from the SJA Class of 1973 met at an Amish restaurant in Sarasota. It was a beautiful day, and we had a wonderful meal and reunion. What made this the highlight, though, was that my childhood friend Maureen Kelly McCauley happened to be in Florida at the time and sat across from me. We had a great talk about writing. In less than two months I was able to invite her into a writing group, which has been a godsend for all of us during this turbulent year.

 

MEANINGFUL MOMENT:  On January 12 my husband suffered a small stroke, and spent a couple of days in the hospital. This picture was taken when he was dressed and waiting to get discharged. I took it to send to his son to show him his dad was doing well. This event has changed our view of the future, but I am so glad he is doing well and that it was only mild.

 

SOMETHING DISCOVERED: Early in the summer my brother texted me asking me if I could send him any photos of his wife through the years, as he was putting together a 40th Anniversary gift for her. I was happy to have an excuse to go through all my pictures, and it was a wonderful journey. But by far the best thing that came out of it was discovering three photos of my dad from his youth that I had completely forgotten I had. It even took me a while to realize how they got here! Eventually I recalled that I had gotten these copies made from pictures my sister had, and I had stored them in a picture folder for safe transport from Ohio to Florida. Then I promptly forgot I even had them. I absolutely love this one because he is in the height of happiness, as he always was with his saxophone.

 

FEELING PROUD: When my nephew entered middle school at Cypress Lake, he became involved in playing the trombone, and it became a real passion for him. When they moved away, I was sorry I would no longer be able to attend his band concerts. But, as we know from 2020, livestreams became the new way to participate from afar, and I was absolutely thrilled to watch the holiday band concert from Pickerington North High School on my television in December. The band director made me proud to be a teacher, as he is doing an absolutely incredible job against all odds, and the music brought me to tears more than once. Ricky made me proud, as he always does, through his dedication to music. (And for those who don't know, he is my dad's namesake!)

 

FEELING CONNECTED: After several weeks of barely leaving the house, on April 29th the beaches of Lee County opened again. I got myself right to my closest beach -- Bunche -- and was not ready for the overwhelming feeling I had being able to be there again. Very quickly I felt reconnected to nature and my community and the world and myself! 

 

MAKES ME SMILE: A few years ago, I purchased Nemo and Dory stuffed animals for my classroom. They have become team builders and buddies to my students through the year. When our school closed in March, I was not able to go back in the building until May. When I did, Nemo and Dory were waiting for me, and I realized then how much they meant to my classroom. So it was upsetting when a student accidentally threw Nemo on the roof of the school when they were playing outside as a reward for work well done. To make matters worse, it was a Friday and over the weekend there were torrential rains. Friends rallied me to see if I could get the admin to rescue Nemo -- but somehow he managed to rescue himself!  Two teachers found him sitting on a bench in another part of the building, soaking wet, but still smiling. It was a miracle for sure! I have no idea how he got off the roof and on to the bench, but I'm sure glad he did.

MOMENT SHARED WITH LOVED ONE: Actually, I suppose it was the whole day. Given the situation at the beginning of the year with the stroke, and then the months of hibernating from COVID, Jim and I were finally able to pull ourselves out of the house and have a little adventure on my birthday in August. It isn't every day a person turns 65, and I just couldn't let it go. That, and the fact that school had been pushed back -- otherwise I would have been at school. So we headed out to Sanibel on a blazing hot day, ate lunch at Schnappers Hots, then visited Ding Darling Wildlife Refuge, a place we hadn't been together in over a decade. The day brought so much relief and peace and togetherness. It was the most perfect way to celebrate a special day, which probably would not have happened if it had been a normal year. 

 

 

 

 

 

Entering the Quiet Zone

We are more than a week into the holiday break, and I've entered the Quiet Zone.

Today I followed through on a decision I had made which was to use the "What's Your Word" cards my writing friend Kathy gave me as part of a gift exchange. There are 33 cards that ask questions that are supposed to lead you to your "word."  I decided to go through the questions quickly and answer with one sentence each. After a warm-up and a jump start, there are several categories, each with a few related questions. Categories like Let Go, Be Me, Dream, Grow, Love, and Serve.

Answering these questions in a real "in the moment" fashion helped me get quickly to a couple important things happening with me: one has to do with physical strength, and the other has to do with how I want to spend my time going forward.

For many years I had a lot of different things going. A few years ago I cut back. I decided I wanted to spend most of my time focused on writing.  And I did pretty well with that. I've completed several personal challenges, continue to write a poem a day, and my daily journaling, of course.

But something has shifted, and now there are other things that are calling for my time. One is the mandolin. I'm enjoying getting back into it focused just on ways to have fun and play with others. Second is my Music Polls page. I thoroughly enjoy what I'm doing with it, and others seem to like it, too. And third, a bit of art. I've committed to practicing some Zentangle, and that has been relaxing fun. No goals. Just do it.

One thing that has been a concern though, is what I feel is a physical weakening. It really started with the knotted up lat muscles in my side that sometimes made it painful to stand for any period of time, let alone do any walking. I've noticed a difference in my physical strength since I turned 65, and the lat situation has compounded it, keeping me from being as active as I need to be. I still do my daily yoga and stretching, but things like walks and weights and cycling have taken a back seat. Well, are fairly non-existent.

Answering the questions in the "What's Your Word" put this in the forefront. I realized as hard as it is, I have to find ways to start building strength.

So there is my word.  STRENGTH

I started here...a return to Six Mile Cypress Slough, where I walked nearly two miles with nary a twinge from my crazy lats, and thorough enjoyment of the slough itself. Throughout the pandemic I knew the slough boardwalk was open, but I didn't go because of a simple thing like the bathrooms not being available. By the time I drive there, I usually need to use the restroom before wending my way along the boardwalk, which takes the visitor through pinewoods, a hardwood forest, a hammock, and more than a few ponds. But yesterday I learned the park was fully open, and I knew that was my first stop today.

My friend Kara shared with me her focus for the coming year: Peace, Energy, Calm. Add to that STRENGTH. And that is what I felt today, finally returning to the slough, where I don't think I've been in quite a long time. At least a year...maybe longer. 

Entering the Quiet Zone is a natural part of this bridge of time between Christmas and New Years, a time I traditionally use to reflect and ground myself. All the right ingredients came together today. I intend to use them all to keep my STRENGTH building, despite any setbacks or frustrations. It is the most perfect and necessary thing for me right now. 

STRENGTH -- Challenge Accepted!!!!

Place Your Bet

 Today's Caboose poem from Barbara Kingsolver's "How to Fly (in Ten Thousand Easy Lessons)"

You summited the mountain

    or you didn't

You sought for the best

    and might have fallen short

You cared too much

    and was left hurting

You made a wrong turn

    and it took years to correct

You made too many mistakes

    and lived the consequences

You opened your heart anyway

    and found peace

You stopped thinking about failure

    and placed your bet on LOVE

 

Journal Entry Sunday, November 29, 2020

 I don't often post things I've written in my journal, but today it feels just right.

Here's what has happened this week:

I 100% found myself again.

I think that's why I'm actually looking forward to heading back to the classroom. My energy is restored.

And funny thing -- in the book I'm reading set in 1970, the Kent State Shooting just happened. And I was reflecting on how things quieted down after that -- after years of increasing turmoil in our country. And we are kind of in the same place today. Since the election -- even with the DT insanity -- things have really calmed down. I look at Joe Biden and his dedication to our country, to all our people, and I feel a renewed purpose in what I do. I've got to say, I don't think I've ever felt this inspired by a president. (I was a little young for the Kennedy era.)

I look to the future and, despite what is happening with COVID, I see so much hope that we will be rising up together to create a new world out of the ashes of 2020.

 

Michael Meade has said it for years -- the world has to be turned upside down in order to create a new one. There is no other way. We have lived in the "liminal" time* for a while now -- it felt so painful at times -- but now I think we can see the light. Yes, it's connected to a vaccine, I know this, and I'm fine with it.

I have learned so much through this time. Some of it I would never have learned otherwise.

As I've written about previously, I'm in Act Three. Things got pretty stressful for a while, but I'm learning to trust myself again. Doubt can be debilitating. I've moved beyond that time now and I've got it balanced and working for the benefit of all. Gotta admit -- it feels great!

MAGNIFY THE GOOD

What I focus on expands.

*The word liminal comes from the Latin word 'limen', meaning threshold - any point or place of entering or beginning. A liminal space is the time between the 'what was' and the 'next.' It is a place of transition, a season of waiting, and not knowing.

Magnifying Glass (7 Lines/7 Days #24)

 #108Weeks

 

October 25-31, 2020

 

 The election is on my mind. I pray for a BLUE WAVE.

Damn. Just found out that the three hours I spent putting in comments for interims didn't save. Start over.

I have been increasingly short with my students and I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.

This quarter beat me up. I've been living on Advil and Biofreeze for the last few weeks, and it's getting old.

I've got to get back to recording some lessons. I'm wearing myself out.

Aah! I had my grades done and signed off by noon --that was a huge relief!

Magnify the good.

So Many Ideas! (7 Lines/ 7 Days #23)

 #108Weeks

October 18-24, 2020

 

 Having a plan relieves my stress.

Been focusing on the moment as I find myself thinking ahead and sometimes worry comes across me about imagined ills in the future and ya know, that doesn't help anyone.

Had a crazy dream there was an early pizza party at work and I arrived late. I mean...it was pizza before 9 a.m.  The place was rockin'.

I ordered another Regina Brett book because I need uplifting stories. The Psalms aren't doing it!

I had a relaxing planning period -- first one all year.

I'm glad I have the weekend to chill.

So many ideas coming my way!

Enduring Advice on a Birthday Week (7 Lines/7 Days #12)

 #108Weeks

 August 2-8, 2020

 

"If you're going to pray, don't worry. If you're going to worry, don't pray."

 Not sure exactly why, but fear has flown away. I'm sure whatever happens is all in Divine Order.

I am feeling positive this will take us to the place we need to be.

"Do everything as if it's your last time doing it."

I will know what to do when it is time to do it.

Going back through my journals and papers has helped me see part of me -- some I don't like too much -- but it definitely was a worthwhile project. I feel better about everything because of it.

"Just keep swimming."