#66Challenge
Figuring out what to do with the fantasy workshop, which was really lacking, I pursued possibly teaching a novel called Visitors.
Then I decided not to for many reasons -- mostly time.
Then I thought I should rush through it and move on.
Then I realized I can rush through it and have time for writing fantasy.
Bingo!
Written 12-21-21
I am finding inspiration and motivation from every direction.
A few days ago I realized I was ready to move on from the place I've been, which has been rather stuck. I knew this was coming, but I did not have a vision.
Today the vision began to form.
First, with Atomic Habits by James Clear. I'm thinking What kind of person do I want to be? And What habits will get me there?
This motivated me to get on my exercise bike, and I put on a podcast from Michael Meade called "The Cultivated Heart: In Loving Memory of Robert Bly." I have met both of these men before, and Robert passed a month ago today. In the podcast, Michael focused a lot on writings Robert did for a poetry anthology they worked on together called The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. It has always been one of my favorite collections.
What was helpful to me is that the topic of cultivating our hearts caused Michael to focus on a few specific poems, two of which really spoke to me.
I think I will also take a moment to mention why I knew I was stuck, even as I knew it was time to move on. First, I had a meeting with some friends where I found myself blaming a lot of others for things I'm encountering. This left me emotionally reeling for at least 12 hours, and was not a pleasant experience.
Second, I met a friend for lunch and a Broadway show, only to find myself surprised that she brought me Christmas presents. Why I was surprised baffled me. We always exchange gifts. How is it that I have not even given it ONE thought these last few weeks when I knew we had this event coming up? My only answer is that I have become ridiculously insular and selfishly focused that even things that should be evident go right past me. Not a good feeling. I blamed myself deeply for the neglect of this important exchange.
Another thing I encountered recently that brought me up short was revisiting other blog posts from Decembers of previous years. It is there I found something I wrote on December 9, 2017 called "On Questions and Contradictions." In this post I discovered that much of what I keep complaining about now are the exact same things that were happening then. Have I not even figured out how to do better?
In the blog, I referred to the poem "The Sunflowers" by Mary Oliver, in which she suggests we ask sunflowers questions:
Come with me
to visit the sunflowers,
they are shy
but want to be friends;
they have wonderful stories
of when they were young –
the important weather,
the wandering crows.
Don’t be afraid
to ask them questions!
Their bright faces,
which follow the sun,
will listen, and all
those rows of seeds –
each one a new life!
I then proceeded to ask myself a lot of questions, many I still have today. Things like...How do I get through to my students? Why do I go through this every year? What will make real change?
And most importantly, Why can't I be you, Sunflower?
Coming upon this blog post was unforgettable in this current quest. Leave it to Michael Meade to pick up the pieces for me when he read this poem:
This poem connected everything together -- all my tears, my grief, my vulnerability, my blaming of others, and a good comeuppance on how wrong my view can be. This is about seeds being cultivated. It has been too easy to tighten up and not let that seed explode into something wonderful. After all, everything real in life is about breaking open to the moment. Without it, there is no creativity, no innovation.
Michael goes on to explain:
[We must live] with immediacy of the soul, that rare sense that the next moment can break open. And that we must...marry it, step into it, and become ourselves in that moment of opening and awaking. If we fail to do that we have not fully participated in the world.
It is obvious I have to do that which is really difficult for me -- truly open up, live more fully, love more actively. I have been saying this for years, and I think I'm doing it, but recent events have found my fault lines. And recent events have also taught me I have no time to waste. I look ahead and I see an end line. This is a new feeling, and one I must reckon with.
But Michael wasn't done. Then he introduced this poem, which gave me further marching orders!
To Be a Slave of Intensity (Kabir, trans. by Robert Bly)
Friend, hope for the guest while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think...and think...while you are alive.
What you call 'salvation' belongs to the time before death.
If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,
do you think
ghosts will do it after?
The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic
Just because the body is rotten -
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
you will simply end up with an apartment in the City of Death.
If you make love with the divine now, in the next life you will have the face of satisfied desire.
So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!
Kabir says this: When the guest is being searched for, it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest that does all the work.
Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity.
JUMP INTO EXPERIENCE WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE.
BREAK THE ROPES.
I simply LOVE that!
"So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is, Believe in the Great Sound"
Welcome it all--joy and sorrow. Don't ignore any of it. ENGAGE!
So the answer to Why can't I be you, Sunflower?
is
I AM. I just don't activate it.
*
I'm not quite done, even though that seems like quite a lot.
For the first time in a long time I pulled a Rune stone. And the word was perfect, of course: FAITH.
This is already a word I have embraced during the journey over these past few months. I discovered it when I did the 33 Question Cards to find my word. When the Rune divination said the same, well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
And I still needed these words:
Faith encourages us to believe that we can make a difference -- in ourselves and in the world.
And so, on this auspicious solstice day of 12-21-21, I commit more fully to the life I know I need to live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy. I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all--every ugly or beautiful moment, encounter, or feeling-- as TEACHER.
I needed to identify the turning point, and this has been it.
11:05 am 12/21/2021
#66Challenge
Written December 10, 2021
Inspired by Lynn Ungar's poem "Salvation."
Do you believe me when I say
you are neither salvaged nor saved,
but salved, anointed by gentle hands
where you are most tender?
Written during Write Around the Corner meeting 12/4/2021
The opening lines of "Eagle Poem" by Joy Harjo inspired this piece.
#108Weeks
November 28-December 4, 2021
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| Orchid Bee photo by Kara Vereen. 2021 |
I dreamt of crystals again -- this time they were buried in sand
This week was a new beginning
I'm doing well keeping loving attention
I started privately giving "orchid bee" recognition to learners showing "productive brilliance"
My bottom line: I am a reading teacher who will stick with what she believes no matter the horrible curriculum sent her way
I realized (from journal entries) that the day I saw the two eagles on the roof was the beginning of this part of my journey -- it was October 5th, the day of my first meltdown
Friday tried my patience, but my goals for the week were met, so I am happy
#108Weeks
October 31-November 6, 2021
The only thing I know is that I don't know
Obstacles will come like waves -- keep coming and coming -- you must learn to surf with unshakeable peace
The most beautiful form of courage is to be happy (Jeanne Lohmann)
Don't quit before the miracle
Beauty is the target -- spread joy or be destroyed
All my young readers are created in God's image, too. Little Godlings
I cast my faith forward as a light on my path
#66Challenge
Written 11/3/2021 after reading these lines in Joy Harjo's poem "Spirit Walking in the Tundra"
This is what it feels like...
when you spirit walk
there is a shaking, and then you
are in mystery.
#66Challenge
I took two days off work and after much meditation, contemplation, journaling, questioning, and reading Lynn Ungur’s poem “Hawks,” I came to this place. My heart is calm. My mind is at peace.
Today I breathe easier
as I take a rest
in the quiet here
sun out, busy world outside.
I gave myself the gift of this time
so deeply needed
to heal my tortured soul, to see more clearly
to find FAITH I’m in the right place always.
If I’m here, this is where God wants me.
Today I realize it’s okay!
Today is a gift of grace to myself.
To be fiercely present.
To feel the winds of change.
Last night we were watching Kenny Rogers: All in for the Gambler Farewell Concert which was recorded October 25, 2017 at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. It would be Kenny Rogers last live performance.
Shortly thereafter, before embarking on his farewell tour, his doctors advised him he needed to make his health a priority. And bam -- the tour was over.
Fast forward to March 20, 2020 -- Kenny Rogers passes away of natural causes under hospice care.
The reason that date is important is it was right about the beginning of our pandemic shutdown. Although COVID was not the reason for Rogers' death, it is somehow connected in my mind.
So perhaps that is why watching this concert stirred up something in me.
Yes, the performances for the most part were great. I don't typically care for Lady A, but they killed it with "She Believes in Me." And Little Big Town soared in harmonies on "Through the Years." Lionel Richie sang "Lady," of course, to the delight of the crowd. Then Dolly Parton and Kenny sang a few songs together, after Dolly joyfully greeted her old friend, her usual borderline inappropriate comments in tow. The woman has little filter, and perhaps that is why we love her so. After "Islands in the Stream" they ended like rock stars with a mic drop.
But back to the audience...
They were overwhelmingly white females with cell phones recording every darn thing. They were crying. They were alive with joy and happiness at seeing this tribute unfolding on the stage.
Here in Fort Myers, years later, I couldn't help but envy them. I envied that they could go to the concert without a mask. I envied they could sing and shout and hug and be together fearlessly.
To be honest, I probably have noticed this before in shows I've watched on television. I'm sure it crossed my mind.
But for me, Kenny is connected to the beginning of the pandemic when the Grand Ole Opry did their first livestream with Marty Stuart, Vince Gill, and Brad Paisley singing to an empty Opry house. One of the first songs performed was a tribute to Kenny who had just died a few days beforehand.
When I was thinking about my reaction to the audience, the phrase that came to mind was: They were free.
That kind of stunned me. When I started thinking about it this morning, I had an epiphany: it is the first time I think I had an inkling of understanding on why some people are ranting about freedom when it comes to all things COVID. It truly can feel like our freedom is gone.
Granted, much of what has occurred surrounding anger over masks and shutdowns and such just demonstrates unskilled behavior. At the same time, if we don't recognize that things probably will never go back to the "way they were," that we may always have to be considering the risk of public places, and if we don't take a look at our sadness about that, we may end up taking it out on innocent people, all whom are dealing with the exact same emotions.
Yes, it can make us angry that this happened. To our grandparents. To our children. To us.
The desire to feel free of it is real in all of us. We do what we have to do, but at times we will be reminded that all we can do is deal with what is, no matter how painful. We may be anxious, angry, sad, and yes, even jealous of our past lives that did not include this intrusion.
We need to somehow free ourselves of the need to take this out on others. We all must be able to travel, shop, attend events, and go to school safely.
Just like everyone else, I'm weary of putting on a mask to teach, to walk into the local library, to fly on a plane. It still doesn't feel like a wholly natural part of life. And yes, I'd love to be free of it.
The audience at Bridgestone that night in October did not know that was Kenny's final performance.
When the pandemic began, we did not know how many deaths would occur.
Our world has changed forever.
And that is the ultimate mic drop.
#108Weeks
September 12-18, 2021
After all the #NeverForget stuff last week, all I have to say is that every time we get a chance to love better, we blow it.
Getting pickier about how I spend my time has enabled me to feel like my free time goes slower.
I am held in the heart of God. All things work toward good.
Creative Writing Club got off to a good start.
The reading kids are setting in, and patience has been my friend.
Had an epiphany at my music lesson Thursday -- how learning the mandolin and teaching reading connect. All because of Tom Petty's "Wildflowers" and my excellent teacher, who also happens to be named Tom.
I feel I've found a missing piece. Thank you, Toms!
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| Tom Marcellis |
#108Weeks
September 5-11, 2021
I had an epiphany about how I spend my time, which sent everything into a better motion.
I haven't been living my creative life.
Writers write. I wrote.
I voice the universe in an original way.
At school, I'm keeping learning and real reading in the forefront.
Getting prepared for my first Creative Writing Club meeting coming up!
I bring my brave face and loving heart each day, and I move forward.
#108Weeks
July 25-31, 2021
This is my final week of the summer and the focus is self-care.
It's nice to be lazy!
I'm feeling a desire to get back to writing, but just can't grab on to anything. Who am I as a writer?
In a poem I read, the word "balance" stood out to me. I contemplated all the ways this applies right now.
It's really about watching my mind and responding to where it leads me.
Living the question brought me an answer. I have a new, solid, meaningful writing project on the horizon, and its making me feel connected and whole again.
Initially inspired by the poem "Your Soft Heart" by Nikita Gill
You know that people love you, but they don't really like you.
Part Two [Triolet]
I always kind of knew
It's about their broken hearts
They are masking feeling blue
I always kind of knew
So I need to yield to what is true
They are not just upstarts
I always kind of knew
It's about their broken hearts
For a while I have been finding it difficult to get myself to this blog. I will write entire things out in my journal that I think I want ...
