Just Living My Life

I recently joined Blue Skies, a social media site that has recently gotten popular. I find some good stuff on there, totally different than being on Facebook.

There is a writer/writing teacher that shows up on my feed named Joseph Fasano.  I need to investigate more about him, and today’s post really got me interested. I think I could use some creative inspiration like what happened here:

I don’t have his prompt, but I am going to write my version here spontaneously, based on affirmations I’ve given myself today.

AFFIRMATIONS

My energy returned today

I took some bold steps in my financial wellness

I let the blue sky draw my attention and bring me rest

I took care of things and that means mostly me.

I am living a new story, one I expected

A lot of the crazy emotions I’ve had

well, they have calmed down

I am off the roller coaster for now

and just living my life.

That’s the way it should be.

It’s about time!

 

Change (it’s okay!)

On Thanksgiving day I read a poem called “thankful” by ullie kaye.  There were a few lines that stood out to me, so I’ve decided to put them here with chosen images, so I may remember.

i am thankful for skies that change color

for paths that change direction

and for seasons that remind me we are all just one breath away from a new beginning

Pic Collage 1991-93

 

JOY

Nine times we visited Cancun, Mexico and our vacation was never complete unless we visited Chemuyil, a lovely little beach off the beaten path. We were first directed there as a place to do some great snorkeling, and it was for a while. Eventually we witnessed the reefs dying from the suntan lotion, but the beauty of the beach and its smattering of palm trees never changed. One time when we were there, a boy band from England was shooting a music video. The beach had a bar and little huts where they would serve you fresh caught fish, cooked up with homemade tortillas, beans, rice, a steamed jicama. I know that since the days we were there, that part of the Yucatán Peninsula has built up into a huge tourist attraction called Rivera Maya. But we remember when it was jungle, and we would drive for 90 minutes just to relax on the most beautiful beach in the world,

ACHIEVEMENT

I wrote about this Mexican adventure a few years ago. I am pictured here on the steps of the El Castillo in the ancient city of Chichen Itza. When we first went there as part of a tour in 1987, I was afraid to climb the very steep steps. But in 1992 I changed my tune. I wanted the challenge of overcoming the fear. We rented a car and drove for hours to get there and it was worth it. Mission accomplished!

COURAGE

Before this year, 1993 was the year of our greatest challenges. In June of that year, some discs blew out in Jim’s lower back, and he had surgery to fuse them. Sadly, the fusion didn’t take, and he spent the rest of his life with a crack in his back which disabled him from working, golfing, and many other things. This was a huge adjustment for me, not to mention the financial strain we were under, given that he made a decent income and we had a brand new house. That summer, his aunt and uncle completed the cabin they were building on the New River in the Blue Ridge Mountains, and in the fall Jim’s doctor said he could make the trip there. It was our first visit, and we fell in love with the place. It became our home away from home for many years to come. I use the word Courage here, but what I really was building was Spiritual Courage. Earlier this year when faced with Jim’s terminal illness, I thought a lot about 1993 and all we went through, and it helped me know we could get through this year, no matter what. Jim took this photo of me standing on a petrified log in the river. It wasn’t until doing this blog that I can see how this photo mirrors the one that he took of me at Coe Lake eleven years earlier, the photo that began this series. In that picture, I was starting a new direction. In the picture above, it was the same.

And now I find myself once again gathering my courage to move forward into a new life. I know even though he is not here physically, Jim is here in spirit helping me find joy, achieve new goals, and continue to build spiritual courage. It has always worked in the past. I see no reason that would change now. 🌻

Endings

I feel better today. I have a fairly reasonable to-do list ready, and am going to move on to my day as soon as I post this.

Today I received my last paycheck from the School District of Lee County. It is my last day.

Retirement officially begins tomorrow.

I also was happy to throw this in the trash bag:

There is nothing in this folder I need. That part of my life and all its stress and difficulties is over.

Moving on.

The Love Remains

 My brother Matt is the caretaker of the big box of photos from my mom’s house.

He occasionally pulls our photos we have forgotten about.

On my birthday this year, this is the one he posted.

It was my 19th birthday in 1974.

I was working at a fast food restaurant and getting ready to go to computer school.

I’m wearing a top made for me by my friend Cathy.

It had little cartoon figures of Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

And wide leg bell bottoms, of course.

I never wore shorts.

I’m here with my brother Richie.

He would not make it to his next birthday.

By my next birthday this picture would not be possible.

I meditated on this photo this morning.

I find it curious the way I’m holding his arms.

I may have stopped him from playing to get in the picture.

I may be holding on because I know I’m losing him.

In 1974 there wasn’t much hope for those with leukemia.

Summer days and birthdays are universal

As is loss.

Health issues can devastate and change.

Thank goodness the love remains.

A Portal?

 

I slept better last night than I have in a while, and today I feel like myself again.  

This graphic came through on an email from Valarie Kaur of the Revolutionary Love Project. A day ago, I would have felt defeat regarding this idea. Nothing felt possible. That is how low I was sinking.

There are continued challenges with Jim’s health, and so far no answers. I am going to be calling him in a few minutes. I believe in the possibility of change, and at the same time am willing to accept whatever is. My job is to hold the space for healing, and perhaps I haven’t been doing that too well.

For some reasons I cannot understand, this is the way. I just need to go with it.

One Minute

This has been a summer of fast change. Even as things happen gradually, they seem to change quickly.

It was one minute after Biden announced he would not seek reelection that my brother Martin texted me: “I guess Kamala will get her chance.”

What followed was a change in the horizon some had been calling for, but many did not know what was the right move. People like me.

But immediately I knew it was right. Immediately I was more enthused, more excited, more sure.

And many others were as well. Kamala brought in over 50 million dollars within hours.

There is now a Nicki Haley Voters PAC to move their votes to Kamala. And it hasn’t even been 24 hours.

I love Joe Biden. There has rarely been someone with so much integrity, grit, and compassion. He truly cares. When it comes to Joe, there is no such thing as lip service.

Joe is 81. I live with someone the same age. Decline can take us by surprise.

To say he did right by his country, ego aside, is an understatement.

Meanwhile, I love the energy this has created. I pray Dems truly unite around their candidate and make this happen. I hope it got some of the millions of people who are tuned out on the campaigns to finally sit up and take notice.

In one minute, the future look brighter and possibilities that were dim took a new shine.

Go, Kamala! Your country needs you.

Another Day, Another Retelling

 I have two long time favorite columnists from Cleveland. They are Connie Schultz and Regina Brett. They are both inspiring to me as women, as writers, and as people who deeply plumb their experiences and put them in words.

A bit over a week ago, Connie quoted musician Nick Cave in something she put on Facebook. She now writes for Substack and teaches writing at a university in Ohio.When she quoted Cave, she mentioned that she had been told about his book Faith, Hope and Carnage from sister writer Regina Brett.

So, of course, I had to check out the book for myself. 

To be clear, I've never listened to Nick Cave's music. I guess he's from Australia and was kind of post-punk? I don't know. All I know is that what Connie posted got my curiosity up.

The local library had the book, and I've been working my way through it. It is a conversation, not a memoir. And it is full of beauty and awareness and the power of writing music and being a human being who grieves. (Cave's 15-year-old son died falling off a cliff.)

There are many things I want to share about what I've been reading, because some stuff is really sticking with me. I plan to just take one at a time. Today, it is this quote that begins on page 68. 

We should never underestimate that sense of being in the groove of life, of moving from one situation to another with the wind at your back, of being purposeful and valuable, of life having some semblance of order. It's really something, that feeling, made all the more profound because you know how transitory and easily broken it is. It seems to me, life is mostly spent putting ourselves back together. But hopefully in new and interesting ways. For me that is what the creative process is, for sure. It is the act of retelling the story of our lives so that it makes sense.

This week has been one of trying to get my bearings in what feels like a different life in many aspects. What “I am” has appeared to change. But yesterday, after a text conversation with my friend Kate, I realized who I am is not different. It’s the things I’m feeling that are different—feeling I haven’t had before that grow, change, and take me by surprise.

As a caretaker now, I realize that naming my feelings is essential to staying in a loving mode. I did that yesterday, and hope to do so going forward. Doing that helped me make a few decisions yesterday that needed to be made, and set me on a path forward to accomplish some things around here. I had been blocked. There is some relief now.

I kept thinking to be creative I needed to find a way to do something different. But right now, I’m creating a new life seemingly every day depending on the needs around here. As usual, it comes back to the present moment and knowing that in that place, all is well.

I was trying to figure out how to wrap this all up, and came upon this. I will let George have the last word.

It’s being here now that is most important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.