The Pulling of Opposites

I didn’t write yesterday, and wasn’t planning on writing today because words seem to be hard to form.  My energy is on the low side, and I’m in a bit of a lull. Yet, I blew through the things in my “to-do” list before 8:30 this morning.

Then I saw this quote from Brene Brown in FB Memories and thought, yes, this is it:

Opposites are pulling at me constantly. I cried in church, then later was full of joy when walking the labyrinth.

My wound is healing but there is a great deal of swelling, making my belly feel sore and heavy. It is slowing me down and yes, feels a tad concerning. I’m going to my doctor tomorrow.

Last night my Lectio Divina group had a dinner. A lovely woman named Vicky gave us all reversible Christmas placemats she made. I was touched by her generosity and artistry. Okay…no opposite there. The evening was perfect.

I hate running the heat, yet today I keep turning it on and off.  Everything right now is too hot and too cold. Not quite me, but fully me somehow. 

It’s exactly what Brene says: stretch-marked and strong, worn and willing.

It’s okay to not know what this is about, and just go with it. Everything sorts itself out in time, right?

Lectio Divina #5

Every Monday late afternoon I participate in Lectio Divina, a contemplative prayer practice. The group of ladies I sit with (2 others with the name Helen) bring a lot of grace and insight into my life. I’m slowly getting to know them, and am grateful.

It was a rough election week, and I’ve done my best to guard myself from getting too involved in the chaos. I feel I’ve succeeded, as I haven’t had the anxiety and stress I’ve witnessed in others.

Our reading this past week was from a YouTube conversation between Adam Bucko and Mark Longhurst, the title “Letting Heartbreak Be Your Guide.” The segment we looked at was about being receptive to deep listening and wrestling with tough questions. It was definitely a very timely choice.

There was one sentence that really stood out to me: 

The contemplation part is the receptivity and consent, and the action part is simply letting God live through us as much as possible, letting Christ live and love and protest through us.

Protest? How often do we hear that word when discovering the role of God in our lives? I am still contemplating this, especially as there are many planning their resistance to things that could happen in our country that are hateful and wrong. 

It’s another reminder that we are all the voice of God in this world, and the intentions we have and the actions we take are important. Definitely something to contemplate on a daily basis.

On the way home, which is about a 3 minute drive, I heard this song by Maren Morris. It seemed to fit with my experience with the prayer group, and is a great message overall.

Up-n-Down

My friend Becky told me that it would take two weeks before she would really grieve when her parents passed away. I’m coming up on two weeks and I’m starting to notice a difference in myself.

For a while, I’ve just been caught up in nice memories of Jim and our life together. I’ve been taking care of things and seeing friends and rejoining a church. All good.

But today, for some reason, it’s been a bit up-and-down. I’m starting to remember more traumatic things from the past several months. For example, my car accident. I really have not thought a whole lot about it in quite some time, but today things were starting to pop up.

I know it’s trauma. I know there’s a lot of healing to be done. I’m doing my very, very best to take care of myself.

And I have help. A little while ago, I received a booklet from the leader of the Lectio Divina prayer group I attended on Monday. She included a very nice letter with it. The booklet is called A Time to Grieve, and I already read a little bit of it, and it has very comforting words. I do need to say that when I received the book and the letter, I cried and cried and cried. And I think I really needed to do that.

*

All that aside for now, I do want to say that I took a big step today. Actually maybe two big steps. I decided it was time for a trip to Costco and on my way there took the overpass from Gladiolus Drive to Summerlin Road. That is something that I had been avoiding ever since my accident, because sometimes it’s hard to merge there and one time somebody nearly ran me off the road refusing to let me in. I always get a little nervous going there. But it was absolutely fine today. There was nobody I had to merge with. 

And then, as I was approaching Costco, a song came on the radio that just seem to have the perfect words. This song came out right at the end of my freshman year of high school and I loved it from the first time I heard it. These words telling me that things will get easier, and even being referred to as a child, just felt so perfect today. I have added this song to my special playlist that I listen to many mornings. Hopefully you know this song, and can sing along, keeping me in mind as you do. I appreciate it 🌻

Lectio Divina #1

 On Sunday I returned to a church I haven’t been to in 20 years.

It felt great to be back.

There are many reasons I knew I needed to find a faith community again. And Iona-Hope Episcopal is the perfect place. It has grown in amazing ways since I was last there.

I have been keeping an eye on them for years. I have been visiting the labyrinth they installed about five years ago. When I knew I needed something to anchor my life, now that my husband and career are gone, I checked out the many activities they have. I will be attending a grief group called Moving On this Thursday. I also want to join their book club.

Yesterday afternoon, I joined the Lectio Divina group. It is a contemplative way to study scripture. Here is the reading we did. We start by considering a word or phrase, and keep reading it three more times for deeper understanding. Writing and art are encouraged.  

After the process, this is what I wrote:

In God, I have all I need

In God, I can be sad, but not shattered

In God, my world is good

In God, I praise all of nature and its cycles, including life and death

In God, I have gratitude for all that came before, all that is here now, and all that will be

In God, I have an anchor at all times

In God, I open my heart to peace and know it

When I  wonder “How exactly do I do this?”

The answer is always 

through the grace and wholeness of who God created me to be