Survival

 

Yesterday after testing, we started our One Book, One School selection, Thunder Cave. Naturally, the after testing environment is chaotic, noisy, and completely insane. Trying to get their attention to start a read aloud was nearly impossible. I will have this challenge again today after the math test. 

When trying to think what to write today, I remembered a quote from the book that I am using for an activity—a spine poem. I decided today I’d write a spine poem about my need to survive this day, using the quote: “Survival is more important than getting there.”

Survival is the name of the game. It

is hardest on these days after testing.

More noise, more craziness, nothing

important to do. Rather

than calming things down, we are

getting barraged with misbehavior.

There is little that can be done.

(Just. Survive)

Full Ocean You

 A caboose poem, using the last line of Mary Oliver’s essay “Ropes” as the first line of my poem.

Break the ropes that are holding you

The ones that tell you to resist

The ones that tell you not to trust your intuition

Break the ropes of the way you fall into routine habits that don’t serve

The fight inside against the world you see

Understand it’s all perception

Change your view!

Break the ropes tying you to the false safety of the shore

And become full ocean you

On Saying Yes (Journal entry 3.15.24)

 

A lot has been going on in my heart and mind, and things have calmed down for me considerably. Every day a new layer is added, and I want to write about it, but the amount of information and inspiration tends to get jumbled. Yet, I feel it is important for me to document.

It all started when something I wrote in 2015 showed up in my Facebook memories. It's called "For All My Midlife Friends" and if you intend on reading the rest of this blog post, you should read this first.

For All My Midlife Friends

Coming across this blog post, one I have long forgotten, made me see it will require an update. But thinking about the huge challenges I now face, I don't even know where to start

Here is what I wrote in my journal on Friday morning. I plan on continuing this thread over the next few days, so I hope you will hang in with me. I can always use that support!

From my journal:

Saying yes to going to college and becoming a teacher was scary and exciting.

But saying yes to not being fully in school and all that goes with Jim's health issues is not easy.

I want to say NO NO NO.

Let me work. Let him breathe.

But I cannot. And it hurts when I do because then I have to surrender to reality again.

IT SUCKS.

But saying yes right now feels like a failure.

Why? How long have I known surrendering to what is works better than fighting against it?

Revisiting the poem this blog post was written about "Calling" by Nancy Shaffer.

It's about saying yes to your calling.

And haven't I've known since January that I do, indeed, have a new calling?

Here's the rub--when I heard a calling to be a teacher, there were steps to take. And I had help.

Right now, I can only take one step at a time. There is no planning ahead. The uncertainty kills me.

I told my school my intent is to return next year. Then I wrote:

Reality: I don't know what will happen.

Living the in-between is tough. Having zero control is tough. Not being able to look ahead and say, "Next year, I'll do such and such."

And I don't have a helper.

I am alone in this.

I have to be the one here, watching things.

I hear that the nurse visits might stop. We need them!

Okay...phew. Shed some tears. Feel better....stronger.

Like I can do this.

*

While I was writing this in my journal, I was listening to the new Kacey Musgraves album Deeper Well. The lyrics of "The Architect" seem to fit well for what is happening now. Seriously, I'd love to speak to the architect! 

Check it out.

Dying? Or Being Born?

 Two inspirations today: “Just Beyond the Fence, A Train” by David Kirby and “I Won’t Stay for Long” by David Crosby.

From the poem: 

You can’t save everyone

You save whom you can

Right now, I’m just trying to save myself

But there may be some screenagers* who will come along

Some who care about learning, growing, becoming a better person

But if they won’t come willingly, I cannot make them

Truth is, I can’t keep pushing this river

Too exhausting

Out of 180+ students, what can I get? Maybe 20%?

Today I speak to them, that 20%. I make it about them.

I do I to save me.

“I don’t know if I’m dying or about to be born”

AFTERWORD:

I’m concluding that my desire to reach all my learners is a fool’s errand. As a teacher, I long to make that difference. But I feel the culture is working so against us all, beating us down.  I cannot continue this way.

Am I admitting defeat? Maybe. Or maybe I’m just retreating so I can find the right reinforcements. My current ones are failing me, not shoring me up like they used to. They just don’t seem to work anymore.

I surrender myself to what is. I listen for my next step.

🌻

* about screenagers—this from a website about Generation Alpha

Post-Ian 10.15.22 "Surrender/Release"

 

 

First hibiscus after the storm

I am surrendering today

to what is.

Releasing my need to have

anything my way.

Working always with the

ingredients before me.

What else can I possibly do?

Why do we think we can control

things through our own desires?

A pure recipe for grief.

And Lord knows, we have

enough of that.

 

6:05 am

10.15.22