My heart feels lighter today.
Two days ago, I talked to one of the hospice services in our area. I was pretty much told that I needed to bring my husband home and figure out how to care for him.
I was an agony. I am still in recovery from a horrible infection I had, and he is totally dependent. I even talked to a private nursing company in the area, but it did nothing to assuage my fears.
I kept thinking there had to be another way. So I asked to see the other hospice company – – Hope Hospice. I had talked to them once before, so wasn’t really sure what I thought I was going to gain.
But I went with best intentions.
Before I went up to Jim’s room in the afternoon to meet with them, I did something I have not done at all in all my visits to the hospital. I stopped in the chapel.
And there on the wall was a dove. This commonly is a symbol for the Holy Spirit.
It was the Holy Spirit in 1993 that gave me a prayer that I have memorized and I say often.
And I heard that prayer again while I stood there, looking at the dove on the wall.
Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid
Everything will be all right
Did you ever think you’d be left without a way?
Do not spend one minute of worry
You will know what to do and when to do it
Do not be afraid
Everything will be all right
I went up to Jim‘s room and I talked to him. On the advice of my friend Becky, who had been through this with her parents, I told him it’s OK to go. I told him I will be all right, and it is because of all the strength he has given me. He came in my life when I needed somebody to see me for who I was, and he did that.
I asked him if he felt he was transitioning, and he nodded yes.
The nurses from hospice came in, and I told them the horror story of this year starting with the cancer diagnosis. I expressed my concerns on bringing him home, that I didn’t think that was appropriate or helpful.
And then to my complete surprise, they told me there is another way to go. There is something called General In-Patient and it would mean that Jim could do hospice right there in the hospital. Hospice would manage his comfort care. This was such a huge relief, I cannot even explain! The interesting thing is this program is only about a month old in the Lee health system. It was the answer to my prayers… My “I don’t know”prayers.
They called me later and said Jim is approved for the program. I have a few more questions to ask before I commit, and believe this is most likely the way to go. They will keep him comfortable and out of pain. He hasn’t eaten anything since before his surgery, so I’m really not sure how long he will last.
These last several months have all been about letting him go, and it’s happened gradually. I actually think that was a gift to me rather than losing him at all at once. It has helped me know I will be OK on my own.
On my way out I stopped back in the chapel and I said thank you.
💔❤️🙏❤️🫂
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