Whatever I Want It To Be

 

Yesterday, my sister asked me if I was coming to Ohio for Christmas.

I told her no, mostly because of health reasons

But in reality, I have no desire to travel during the busy holiday season.

Still, it brought up that I’ve been feeling uneasy about Christmas

Would I decorate?

Would I listen to Christmas music?

What would I do on the actual day?

And once I answered her question, I realized I needed to put some thought into this.

I took my journal and went out to the lanai on a gorgeous day

And I quickly realized this is all in my hands

I thought about all the ways Jim and I reimagined Christmas as we needed to

And that I could surely do the same

Then I got excited about listening to Christmas music.

And I thought yes, I can decorate as much as little as I want to.

The only rules are the ones I made for myself.

I might decide to write cards.

I might decide to buy gifts.

Right now, I’m not sure what direction I will take

But I am clear that it will be wonderful, and just what I want it to be.

Hanging On

 

My friend Kara has a saying for when we’re going through tough times:

Look for the lighthouses.

The lighthouses are the people that have gone through their own difficulties and have come shining through.

We can look to them for inspiration of how to move forward through our own trials and tribulations.

It reminds me of this plant that I saw growing out of vent on top of a hospital building.

I watched this guy get whipped around in the wind and the rain during some tremendous storms, yet he kept hanging on.

I continue to be in the midst of storms I never expected to encounter in my life. This little guy is one of my lighthouses. I find a strange comfort in knowing he’s out there in the blazing sun every day, hanging on by a thread during whatever nature throws at him

I think he’ll make it. I know I will.

Driving

 

Today I decided I had to color this picture of a car because I’m moving slowly toward driving again.

It’s terrifying.

Even beginning to color this picture, I found myself with a little anxiety. Nothing terrible — just enough.

My counselor suggested that I just spend time getting to know my new car. This whole thing might be different if I was just getting into a car I was familiar with, but this one is a bit different and I’m finding it a little intimidating.

I took her advice and went down and sat in the car, got out the owners manual, and just started to get familiar with some of the main things that I know I need. I also brought down items to put in my car that I need in there, such as my umbrella and a box of Kleenex. 

It went well. I even backed the car out so I could work a little bit with the radio, because it doesn’t work in the garage.

So I took a big step today. My plan is by the weekend to be able to take some small trips. It will feel good to be independent again.

Post-Ian 10.7.22 "Feel Strange" an acrostic poem

 Based on the words "feel strange" from Rudy Francisco's poem "Click."

For now, Fort Myers

Everything is different

Everything is strange

Left flattened, but not defeated

Some days better than others

Thankful for what is in hand

Real life in multi-dimensions

Ariel 'copters -- sounds like a war zone

Not giving up, not ever

Going to see this through for

Everyone to thrive once more