Coming Out of a Long Struggle (Lectio Divina #2)

Something changed for me yesterday.

Prompted by things that have been happening, some communication I was doing with Jim, and reading that was inspiring me, I came back to myself.

At one point, I looked at my blog from September. I was particularly taken with the one where I had a picture of Alice in Wonderland looking at herself in a pond. At the time I had just been moved to a different hospital and I was wondering who I even was. I didn’t have my rituals. I wasn’t able to see my husband. I felt pretty lost. 

Somehow revisiting that time was good for me. I realized how far I have come from those days, and suddenly I just felt settled into the way things are. All day I felt it. I was doing a lot of reading. The company came and picked up all these oxygen supplies that have been sitting around here. Adios to that! I had a good trip to Target. And I went to Lectio Divina.

There we had a reading (find it below)where two things stuck out to me.

Struggling means living.

Divided parts/ integrated whole

I wrote this prayer:

Dear God, when I turn to you, you never let me down. In my anxiety and struggle, you gently lead me. Listening with faith, trusting your wisdom is what works. It’s the connection. The ability to have someone point the way. Intuition is God— is You. The miracle is always in the moment – – the miracle to release the struggle and feel alive. The miracle to heal the wounds, be energetic and free. There are a lot of people in the world who speak inspiring words. May I listen and honor the wisdom that comes my way over and over. Acknowledge them. Be grateful.🌻

So that took care of the struggle part.

Then I started to reflect on the parts versus the whole. I reflected:

I just looked at the scar on my arm, I thought of the bruise still on my right breast, and the open wound by my bellybutton. These are parts, but they don’t divide me. They are somehow integrating me into wellness.

Then I thought of Alice again.  I used her name to write an acrostic.

Alice was looking and I tried to look, but could not see.

Lately that is changing. I feel more like me.

In my tears and writing and walking and reading and chores and music listening, I’m coming back.

Can’t say anything will be the same as it was, but why would I want it to be?

Everything is temporary… Even the me I am today.

Now I Know

 My heart feels lighter today.

Two days ago, I talked to one of the hospice services in our area. I was pretty much told that I needed to bring my husband home and figure out how to care for him.

I was an agony. I am still in recovery from a horrible infection I had, and he is totally dependent. I even talked to a private nursing company in the area, but it did nothing to assuage my fears.

I kept thinking there had to be another way. So I asked to see the other hospice company – – Hope Hospice. I had talked to them once before, so wasn’t really sure what I thought I was going to gain.

But I went with best intentions.

Before I went up to Jim’s room in the afternoon to meet with them, I did something I have not done at all in all my visits to the hospital. I stopped in the chapel.

And there on the wall was a dove. This commonly is a symbol for the Holy Spirit.

It was the Holy Spirit in 1993 that gave me a prayer that I have memorized and I say often.

And I heard that prayer again while I stood there, looking at the dove on the wall.

Do not be afraid

Do not be afraid

Everything will be all right

Did you ever think you’d be left without a way?

Do not spend one minute of worry

You will know what to do and when to do it

Do not be afraid

Everything will be all right

I went up to Jim‘s room and I talked to him. On the advice of my friend Becky, who had been through this with her parents, I told him it’s OK to go. I told him I will be all right, and it is because of all the strength he has given me. He came in my life when I needed somebody to see me for who I was, and he did that.

I asked him if he felt he was transitioning, and he nodded yes.

The nurses from hospice came in, and I told them the horror story of this year starting with the cancer diagnosis. I expressed my concerns on bringing him home, that I didn’t think that was appropriate or helpful. 

And then to my complete surprise, they told me there is another way to go. There is something called General In-Patient and it would mean that Jim could do hospice right there in the hospital. Hospice would manage his comfort care. This was such a huge relief, I cannot even explain!  The interesting thing is this program is only about a month old in the Lee health system. It was the answer to my prayers… My “I don’t know”prayers.

They called me later and said Jim is approved for the program. I have a few more questions to ask before I commit, and believe this is most likely the way to go. They will keep him comfortable and out of pain. He hasn’t eaten anything since before his surgery, so I’m really not sure how long he will last. 

These last several months have all been about letting him go, and it’s happened gradually. I actually think that was a gift to me rather than losing him at all at once. It has helped me know I will be OK on my own.

On my way out I stopped back in the chapel and I said thank you.

Don’t Know

 I haven’t written in a couple of days because my mind is whirring. One day I think I know the direction, the next I see different possibilities. Nothing is defined and so many questions people can’t answer.

I want to do what is best for Jim, but it feels impossible to know what that is. 

This just came across my FB feed and I related 100%. I’ve been doing this…and once again, I know that I will know the right decision when it is time to know. Back to that word…TRUST.  

Collection of Prayers

 

While cleaning some things up around here, I found a collection of prayers that I used to pray every day. They are gathered into a card with a Clyde Butcher photograph.

I read through them today with the intention of sharing at least one of them here.

The one I decided on though, was not written by me.

It is from Sarah Ban Breathnac and her book Simple Abundance.

It’s a good everyday prayer:

Whatever you choose for me, so be it.

Just give me strength.

Miss My Mornings

 In this Other World I’m living in

Coffee is not really a thing

At home, I would concoct delicious coffee combinations

Based on a variety of flavors and styles

I would sip that coffee while writing in my journal

Praying, reading, thinking about the upcoming day

But here in this Other World

I wake to the dark and it just seems dark

I feel surrounded, misplaced

It’s when the blues start to set in

But I still do some reading

And I still pray, of course

And my prayer today is that I’m closer to getting out 

of this Other World

August

 

I’m sending a prayer out to the Universe

God, the angels, whoever

That August may land as light

As a feather on my life

The ups and downs are wearisome

May I feel light

Have light

See the light

A few hours after I wrote this, I saw this on my FB feed. 

Felt like a response.

Believe

 Finalizing cleaning up my desk yesterday, I found this little card:

I had several of these I gave to students, but somehow this one never made its way to anyone. These cards pop open with a message. Staring at it there on my desk, I decided I’d open to see what it had to tell me. After all, there must be a reason this was still sitting there, right.

I knew right away I needed this message. And sure enough, at 11:00 I went to a meeting about what life will be like getting ready to move into portables and how the campus will be set up and how I’ll have someone in my room teaching during my planning and other depressing news. I came home sad, frustrated, and wondering why I just didn’t plan on retiring this year. 

As usual, my overdrive brain wanted to fix the situation into a frame I could digest. But it was too soon, and I just felt exhausted by the effort.

The best decision right now is no decision. I will relax and spend time with Jim and pray for direction. 

Oh yes…and BELIEVE in this message. The focus always has to be listening for direction. I will know what to do and when to do it. 

Guiding Principles

 I have been a fan of Jean Shinoda Bolen since I read Goddesses in Everywoman in 1994. She has been my companion through aging, with such books as Crossing to Avalon (about midlife) and Goddesses in Older Women. Today I completed a short volume for people in my age group: Crones Don’t Whine.

This book really came through at the end, when she played on the four guiding principles of life by anthropologist Angeles Arrien:

1. Show up

2. Pay attention

3. Speak your truth

4. Don’t be attached to outcome

Bolen changed this a little bit, and it’s definitely a good reminder for me these days:

1. Show up

2. Pay attention

3. Speak your truth

4. Pray for best outcome

Her reasoning for changing the last one fits with my belief: we don’t know exactly what ours or anyone else’s journeys are. All we can do is live and love the best way possible. 

In the final part she added this question for living as well: I wonder what is going to happen next?

As I head into work today, and the week ahead I am taking this question with me. 

Prayer Trail

 This morning I decided it was time to make a trip to Six Mile Cypress Slough. I honestly cannot recall the last time I was there. I had an idea to take a small journal with me and stop along the walk and write short prayers. But once I got there, I decided I didn’t want to carry the notebook, so I decided to use voice memo on my phone. Each stop I recorded something and took a photo. Very often it was the photo I wanted to take that motivated the prayer. Other times, it was the location.

I didn’t get there as early as I usually do, and the place was already busy with many bird-watchers and 0photographers. Still, I managed to have some quiet moments to reflect and record.

Enjoy my little prayer trail, each word as I recorded it.

Morning at the slough.

I just took a picture of the sun reflecting on the water,

The trees are reflecting

It’s right at the entryway

Absolutely beautiful.

My prayer here is that I may mirror love in the world.

I’m at the lake now…tall grasses all around here, very tall.

I can’t even say I remember the grasses being so tall here.

The dry season hasn’t been all that dry, so I think that’s why.

There’s a cormorant, but I don’t see a lot else.

The breeze is coming at me…now it’s a wind.

I just feel like everything is wide open.

For a while it felt like things were closing in on me, but they’re not.

I’m as wide open as this lake, a breeze blowing across me. 

That’s prayer wind.

Walking on the boardwalk

I’m just realizing

I really needed this.

Period.

Everything feels so green.

Well, it is green…

Anyway, absolutely gorgeous morning,

Cool, humid, and wonderful.

Criss-cross

The way this tree looked when I came around the bend

Criss-crossing and wrapping around things and bumping into things

It’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately.

Very representative!

Maybe I don’t always feel wide open and green!

Looking up.

Looking for God.

Reaching for God.

What is the slough without the sounds?

I liked the call this bird was making and how off in the distance, 

another bird was answering.

That is a certain kind of prayer.

Alone.

I arrived at the Pop Ash Pond, and I get be here by myself,

Without a bunch of bird-watchers and photographers.

Feels nice to breathe and be alone here.

Breathing in contemplation with nature is the best kind of prayer.

The Return

 The day I’ve waited for finally came today. I was able to return to Bunche Beach in the early morning hour.

I found myself breathing deeper than I have in a while. I couldn’t take enough pictures! So delighted to be among the sand and gently lapping waves and shorebirds skittering the edges, the newly lit Sanibel Island Lighthouse blinking from across the bay. Sunlight streaked the sky as I made my way down to the point, the place I always go, seashell in hand, to my prayer tree. I had no idea if it would be there. 

It was! Battered quite a bit, but now with an even bigger hole to slip my prayer shell.

It was a homecoming.

On the way back I found a place where someone had drawn a circle. I drew a heart within it to represent my return…with love. 

Ask

 Inspired by “Look” by Billy Collins.

Today I opened up

                to receive

The messages came

                clear and quick

It was as if angels

                we’re flitting around the lake

Just waiting for me

                to ask.

Saharan Dust

 I kept my commitment to go to the beach early today to pray for the upcoming school year. I typically find a shell, say all my prayers, then drop it into a hole in what I call the “Prayer Tree.” 

I arrived to a skinny beach, as the tide had been all the way in and was just starting to recede. I found my shell and walked, thinking about the school year. The air was very still and I kept feeling grit in my mouth. Something just didn’t feel right. I found it puzzling since nothing was stirring the beach sand. Later I would be reminded of the presence of Saharan Dust in this area, which explained a lot!

After my visit to the prayer tree, I didn’t feel like hanging around. I was anxious to get back home, out of the stifling environment, and find out what to do about our non-working internet. I also thought about and prayed for my mom who moved to assisted living today. To Wayne who is getting chemo treatment. For the health of my husband who is waiting on results of two biopsies. And for the grief our family is suffering in the wake of Dan’s transition. It hit me that these things weigh on my mind, and that the school year is small potatoes in comparison to them.

I thought I had gone to the beach to get ready for the school year. Instead, I was confronted with somewhat harsher realities, making the start of school feel easy in comparison.

Like the Saharan Dust that is present, somewhat invisible, and mildly irritating, the changes and challenges in life are always with asking to be acknowledged and accepted. 

60. The Post I Didn’t Want to Have to Do

 #66Challenge

This morning I cannot escape the feeling of devastation and sadness for my fellow educators in Texas.

The entire scenario is unimaginable.

Every day I ring the Tibetan bell I keep in my classroom as the way we center in as we begin class.

Since the Parkland shooting, I say this metta—always with the emphasis on safety and protection.

May we be happy and peaceful

May we be healthy and strong

May we be safe and protected

And may we live with ease

This is my daily prayer for us all, especially my precious learners.

Of course, I’m not under any illusion I can keep my young people safe against a legal assault weapon. 

Our country is failing its youth.

What else need to happen to turn the tide? I still believe all things work together for good.

It’s time.

Begin Again (7 Lines/7 Days #82)

 #108Weeks

December 5-11, 2021

 

 

I have not even thought about Christmas, and haven't even gotten my music out, let alone any decorations.

On Monday, feeling positive and strong.

On Tuesday, trying to recover from all the Monday irritations.

On Wednesday, trying to recover from a fight in my classroom.

On Thursday, I was feeling sad and edgy.

On Friday, I reflected on an unexpected conversation with my 3rd period.

On Saturday, I knew I had made it through and all is well in my world.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, who reminded me to just "begin again."

22. Power of Spirit

 Written during Write Around the Corner meeting 12/4/2021

The opening lines of "Eagle Poem" by Joy Harjo inspired this piece.

To pray you open your whole self

To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon

To one whole voice that is you

And know there is more

That you can't see, can't hear;

Can't know except in moments

Doesn't that just say it all?

How far I've come by opening myself up

Rather than closing myself off.

How perfectly ironic that

the day I saw the two eagles

was within the same day my journey --

this part of the journey--

began.

These two eagles were not circling in blue sky

or flying over a river.

There were calmly sitting on the roof next door,

looking around, for quite a while,

as I prepared some things in the kitchen.

Little did I know they were the 

harbingers of what was to come:

The Power of Spirit saying

look. listen. see.

Small Shifts (7 Lines/7Days #49)

 #108Weeks

 

April 18-24, 2021

 

Inspired by Celie in The Color Purple, I wrote a long letter to God and put it in my God Jar. I asked for help in keeping my grading manageable, and to help me develop better routines. The ones I have are not sustainable. I cannot continue to give away my weekends to all of this.

Refuse to struggle

I find myself thinking about retirement. Even looked at the numbers.

Writing test day was just boredom and babysitting.

I came home from work Wednesday feeling incredible because I set the parameters of the class again, started reading conferences, and had my 6th graders handwrite their video responses. 

It was refreshing and uplifting.

I will have my weekends open from now on.

It's Saturday. All grading is done and I'm chillin'.
 

First Week of Spring (7 Lines/7 Days #45)

 #108Weeks

 

March 21-27, 2021

Second ER visit finally go to the root of the problem.

Starting Daily Affirmations with Julia's prayer book and loving it.

Jim will have his surgery Monday. So sorry he lost so much vision while we searched for an answer to his headaches.

A student named Luis who hasn't been at school returned today. He ran up to me and yelled, "I'm back!" and threw his arms around me.  Love that kid!

I was thrilled to hear the frog chorus singing through the night.

I'm getting the message: Do not be afraid.

82 days until the last day of school.

Harness the Power

 First line from January O'Neil's "Love Song for a Decommissioned Power Plant"

Thoughts inspired by Dolly Parton's song "I Still Believe"

Write this new space into being

a place where the dreams

of many can begin to come true.

Those of us who have believed

for a long time

in a better world.

Write of the possibility and the glow.

Write as if it will help us

all belong.

It is a guiding force:

compassion, empathy, real caring.

Fill the void

of the last few years.

Ignore the ignorance.

Write the possibility

and build the dream.

It is there

within reach.

Now.

The time is now.

Lost in the Night, Found in the Morning

This past week I had my students do a little creative activity related to a couple of poems in our textbook. After studying some things about the poems, they had to choose a line from one of them and use it to begin a poem of their own. It was a beautiful surprise to see how many slid right into this activity, and produced lovely little pieces of writing. They only "rules" were it was to be 7-12 lines, and they had to include an image with the poem.

This idea is not a new one -- to use a line from one poem to begin another. Yesterday I decided to call these "caboose" poems.  As a kid, I always loved waving to the man in the caboose at the end of the train. I miss cabooses a lot!  I see the line the poet gave us as the train and we're the caboose, waving to them letting them know they inspired our own writing.

***

One of my morning practices is to read a poem and write one of my own. Today I decided it was time to make a daily practice of "caboose poems" specifically.  Here is my first one; the line is from Joy Harjo's "How to Write a Poem in Time of War."

 

Smoky sweet sunrises

where I love to be

in the morning

with music, prayer,

thoughts and words

and coffee and plans

Where I set myself

strong and vow to

do no wrong

(and fail...sometimes)

The wildlife calls

as does the sky

reminding me

I am here

while the clouds

paint and illuminate

while the sun 

does its sun thing

I am finding the me

lost in the night

of dreaming

Pray Like You Mean It (7 Lines/ 7 Days #26)

 #108Weeks

November 8 - 14, 2020

 

 

Today the world feels wonderfully different. Everything is lighter, 

not the foreboding feeling I've had for years.

Surprise home from school day. Storm has been raging all night.

Read one of my favorite Regina Brett essays: "Pray Like You Mean It."

It brought so much clarity.

This election stuff is scary and unproductive and putting us all at risk.

It is such a strange week!

Prayed for our country to make a positive step forward today. 

We need a calm transition.

Results are final: 306-232