Brighter and Lighter

 Journal entry

I saw this meme from Adam Grant and I realize that’s exactly where I am.

 I've worked really hard to stay in the present moment because it was too difficult to envision a bright future knowing Jim was terminally ill. Which reminds me of what I heard earlier this year – – that all love affairs come to a bad end. The couple either breaks up or one of them dies. 

Now that I know Jim is out of pain, I can look to the future in a new way. I will keep working on my healing, make new connections, do some things I have not been able to do.

I’m not a caretaker anymore. Wow – – first time I’ve said those words.

I have a gazillion things ahead of me to do, and it will take a long time.

I still have burdens – – but I know they will lighten.

I take everything Jim gave me and carry it into a brighter future.

2024 has been beyond challenging. Yet, I saw such goodness and generosity and care coming our way every day. We were given exactly what we needed in each moment, even those weeks we were separated. The world is full of amazing human beings, who are capable of caring, listening, reaching out, going the extra mile for us. It’s really astounding to look back and realize all those wonderful people who helped us. I’m talking about nurses and hospital staff and chaplains and social workers and hospice. 

I enter this phase with new vision and understanding. I carry with me the inspiration of all those people who helped us. I want to be one of those people for others.

I will find my place. And it will be exactly where I need to be.

Parking Lot Angels

 

After a morning at the cancer center with Jim, I made a run to Target to get some needed items. I had not written here yet, and didn’t have any idea what I might write.

When walking out of the store, I thought of an incident in this parking lot less than a month ago. I thought about the people that helped me, and felt it was time to speak my gratitude.

I was feeling stressed that day because company was coming in from out of town, and I wasn’t ready. I did my shopping, loaded my bags into the back end, and started pulling my red cart to the corral. Suddenly, I found myself flying forward, yelling “oh, shit” on the way down, aware of a woman nearby who was witnessing the entire thing.

What had occurred is that my foot got caught under the cart I was pulling, forming a wedge. Since I had forward momentum going, my foot pulled out of the sandal leaving it under the cart as I flew forward. Both of my knees were injured, and I had a nasty cut on my foot where my sandal dug into it.

The woman came over and asked if I was okay. I could tell I did not need an ambulance, and that once I got my bearings I could drive home. Her husband arrived on the scene, and if it wasn’t for him, I don’t know how I would have ever gotten up. That parking lot is very rough blacktop, and both my knees were scraped from sliding across it. I can no longer get up off a floor without getting on my knees, so he had me cross my arms and he pulled my dead weight up.

They had retrieved my shoe and returned my cart, and made sure I got in my car. All I wanted was to get home. On the way, I thought of how the woman had remarked her daughter had fallen in the parking lot and broke her leg. I was not only grateful that didn’t happen to me, but I realized I cannot afford to become incapacitated. Jim is relying on me during this time, and it is vital I take extra care in everything I do.

So today I thought about those parking lot angels when I was heading to my car. If they had not been there, I seriously don’t know what I would have done. I pray for them often, and hope someday I can pay it forward. 🩷

Let it Matter

 The word that sticks with me from yesterday is

INDEFINITELY.

I heard it from Dr. Shah (the oncologist). He said even after these rounds of chemo, Jim will be on chemo/immunotherapy…

INDEFINITELY.

The thing is—I expected to hear that kind of thing last week. But he said at that time this chemo would be followed by “2 years of immunotherapy.”

Pardon me if I’m confused here, because I truly am. 

I tried to hold it in, but finally broke open to Jim about it last night and cried. He is confused as well.

The bottom line, of course, is what matters — and that is accepting. A huge part of this reality is what acceptance really means.

A lot of times we say we are accepting, but in reality we aren’t really.

We resist.

**

I watched the final 45 minutes of American Symphony, and in it Suleika hears from her doctor that after the bone marrow transplant she will be on chemo…

INDEFINITELY.

They cry. I cry with them.

We all know what that really means.

I’m finding this part of the journey hard to accept. And I tend to tell myself it doesn’t matter, or I’m just looking at things wrong.

But it does matter, and I’m not wrong to feel what I feel.

This is when I come back to call on the angels surrounding us and tap into my deeper soul knowledge, and not let outer influences change what I know to be true.

Tap into that and stay there.

**

Today I decided to listen to Johnnyswim’s album Georgica Pond and I knew there was a song waiting there for me.  I finally found this one that had the words, and it was a necessary reminder that what I’m feeling DOES matter.

If it matters, let it matter

If your heart’s breaking, let it ache

Catch those pieces as they scatter

Know your hurt is not in vain

Don’t hide yourself from the heart

Hurt today, here tomorrow

If it’s fragile and it shatters

Let it matter, let it matter

Oh, it matters

Spiral

 A lone white pelican

visited our lake yesterday

catching the attention of 

snowbirds gathered around

the water, watching it dip

for fish, its orange beak

glinting in the sun

and I considered this a 

good sign as I’ve

always thought of these

birds as angels because

of the way they spread

their wings and spiral

around and around.

Ask

 Inspired by “Look” by Billy Collins.

Today I opened up

                to receive

The messages came

                clear and quick

It was as if angels

                we’re flitting around the lake

Just waiting for me

                to ask.