The word that sticks with me from yesterday is
INDEFINITELY.
I heard it from Dr. Shah (the oncologist). He said even after these rounds of chemo, Jim will be on chemo/immunotherapy…
INDEFINITELY.
The thing is—I expected to hear that kind of thing last week. But he said at that time this chemo would be followed by “2 years of immunotherapy.”
Pardon me if I’m confused here, because I truly am.
I tried to hold it in, but finally broke open to Jim about it last night and cried. He is confused as well.
The bottom line, of course, is what matters — and that is accepting. A huge part of this reality is what acceptance really means.
A lot of times we say we are accepting, but in reality we aren’t really.
We resist.
**
I watched the final 45 minutes of American Symphony, and in it Suleika hears from her doctor that after the bone marrow transplant she will be on chemo…
INDEFINITELY.
They cry. I cry with them.
We all know what that really means.
I’m finding this part of the journey hard to accept. And I tend to tell myself it doesn’t matter, or I’m just looking at things wrong.
But it does matter, and I’m not wrong to feel what I feel.
This is when I come back to call on the angels surrounding us and tap into my deeper soul knowledge, and not let outer influences change what I know to be true.
Tap into that and stay there.
**
Today I decided to listen to Johnnyswim’s album Georgica Pond and I knew there was a song waiting there for me. I finally found this one that had the words, and it was a necessary reminder that what I’m feeling DOES matter.
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