This Morning

My friend Pam gave me a book of Mary Oliver poetry called Devotions, and now that I’m done with Regina’s book, I’ve started reading one of Mary’s every morning.

The poem today made an impact:

This Morning

This morning the redbirds’ eggs
have hatched and already the chicks
are chirping for food. They don’t
know where it’s coming from, they
just keep shouting, “More! More!”
As to anything else, they haven’t
had a single thought. Their eyes
haven’t yet opened, they know nothing
about the sky that’s waiting. Or
the thousands, the millions of trees.
They don’t even know they have wings.

And just like that, like a simple
neighborhood event, a miracle is
taking place.

As I wrote in my journal, I kept going back to the line:

They don’t even know they have wings.

I feel there is a personal meaning for me in that line. Where are the wings I don’t know I have?

Admittedly, I was nervous about January coming. I felt that it meant getting into the fray again.

But Thursday was a peaceful day. There were things to figure out, and I did. I stayed calm, enjoyed everything I did, used my resources, asked questions, asked for help. Yes, all the things I reminded my student to do over the years.

I woke today feeling great. Ready. Strong. My eyes were open. I can allow miracles.

And on the way to an appointment, an eagle flew over Summerlin Road right in front of me, and on into Lakes Park, prey hanging from his talons. It is the second eagle I’ve seen in a month. It reminds me that Spirit is with me always. This morning. This afternoon. While I take out the garbage. While I cook dinner. While I sleep.

A new year is upon us. We all have wings. May they lift us high over the next 12 months.

Joy, Grief, Anger

 Recently I decided to get some stuff out of the guest room closet I knew I didn't need. I came across this framed quote:

I knew I should remember who said this, but I had to search it up. It was Julian of Norwich.

In case you don't know her, this is a general description: Julian of Norwich (1342-c.1416) is known to us almost only through her book, The Revelations of Divine Love, which is widely acknowledged as one of the great classics of the spiritual life. She is thought to have been the first woman to write a book in English which has survived.

She is quoted most often for her comforting words: All will be well, all will be well, in all manner of things will be well.

I  have been reading the framed quote aloud to myself since I discovered it. I do it to remind myself that all is, indeed, well in the general scheme of things. But, of course, I'm not exactly feeling that.

Here is a journal entry I wrote.

**

Today I had quite a journey while doing my daily reading/journaling. It began when I was reading Parker Palmer's essay called "Confessing My Complicity." Here is my entry for today:

I haven't finished reading yet but BAM -- these words hit:

Anger isn't the problem. The problem is getting hooked on anger -- addicted to an emotion that gives you a fleeting high but leaves you feeling worse, all the while robbing you of well-being and creating desire for the next hit. Being hooked saps me of energy and harms my health...it diverts me from taking personal responsibility for what is going on right now.

I had all the signs that anger was lurking and I ignored them. Yesterday it evolved into a crying jag and yelling and giving in to my deepest fears.

And to what end? Only felt a little better, but doubt it actually helped.

I AM ANGRY JIM IS ILL.

Yes, I am. I never say that, do I?

I AM ANGRY MY LIFE IS CHANGING IN WAYS I CAN'T CONTROL.

I AM ANGRY THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO ATTEND TO ALL THE TIME AND I AM NOW ON MY OWN WITH THEM.

I AM ANGRY ABOUT WHAT IS COMING NEXT SCHOOL YEAR.

I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR LOSING FAITH, FOR NOT BELIEVING IN MIRACLES.

~~~~Phew~~~~

Yesterday two things came up in Facebook memories I needed. One was a quote from Carlos Santana:

If you believe in gravity and drop something a hundred times, a hundred times it's going to fall. But if you believe in grace as you believe in gravity, then a hundred out of a hundred times you're going to get a miracle.

It was followed up by this quote from Regina Brett:

Don't give up before the miracle as there may be more than one.

I read more Parker and he included a quote from Valarie Kaur (founder of the Revolutionary Love Project):

Joy is the gift of love. Grief is the price of love. Anger is the force that protects that which is loved.

This! I have focused on joy and I've acknowledged grief, but I have not allowed anger to show me its force.

I FEEL PROTECTIVE.

Getting Jim safely places. Keeping myself safe so I am there for him. Running interference on procedures and appointments. Keeping everything in the house we need. And secretly being terrified about another hurricane. How can I keep him safe?

I AM ANGRY THIS HAS HAPPENED TO HIM!

And this is why Julian keeps showing up. She is the one who said it's harder to see a loved one suffering than to suffer yourself.

I had pulled out my Julian meditation book yesterday, and now I pulled out her classic Revelations of Love. I feel it is time to read it -- perhaps all the way through. 

Thinking of this further, I can see that while school was on I could shift my anger to stuff there. I didn't have to confront it here at home. That is why these past two weeks have felt so difficult -- this anger was floating around and I didn't have a place for it.

After journaling, I spoke with Jim about this. We figured out a couple small things together and agreed that the last four years have been a barrage of devastating events: Jim's stroke, the pandemic, his eye issue that resulted in blindness, his brother Doug passing, his son Dan passing, the two cancer diagnoses and subsequent treatments, Hurricane Ian, the cancer and COPD diagnoses, and the loss of his son Wayne.

And that leads me back to Valarie's words:

Joy is the gift of love.

Grief is the price of love.

Anger is the force that protects that which is loved.

Use it wisely!

This is Not My Final Destination

 (Inspired by Nick Flynn’s poem “ If This is Your Final Destination.)

This is not my final destination.

I’m called to a time of miracles and introspection, 

my ordinary “no news is good news” life 

turned upside down.

Words cause fear & hugs & pitying looks.

A student hands me a gift bag full of smelly lotions and 

body wash, Girl Scout cookies.

Some of my students even seem to 

appreciate me more —

 asking my favorites in music, 

looking happy to see me.

But this is not my final destination.

It will change again.

Human beings can get used to anything.

Today, I’ll have lunch with a friend, 

pick up chapter 2 on a novel, 

visit a new Publix store.

I will contemplate how life 

changes and moves on into

 new routines. 

Honestly, I’m better for it.

Always so much to learn.

Still so far to go.

Mild Freak-Outs

Jim came home yesterday. We now have an oxygen machine running 24/7. There are appointments to make and decisions to be made. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and have a mild freak-out. But then I remember what Regina Brett says: Don’t quit before the miracle happens.

I believe. 

I’m taking care of myself. I’m thinking about checking out a new salon for a pedicure. I have a ticket to see Tanya Tucker tonight, and I have a massage tomorrow. And, oh yeah, a shitload of grading! 🤪

Miracles at Hand

 It’s now a week Jim has been in the hospital. I’m maintaining pretty well, although I really would prefer he was home. What I want to do this morning is focus on the miracles around me.

The miracle of medicine and healing that many have dedicated their lives to expand with compassionate hearts and minds. I’ve met so many who are full of cheer and understanding, and I am grateful.

The miracle of information. We see reports shortly after tests and this information helps us see the picture more clearly.

The miracle of my friends who reach out. I’m too crazed right now to make a phone call, but this who have called me I found to be lifesavers. Thank you.

The miracle of those who are stepping in to be with my students while I can’t be there. I know the sacrifice, and I’ll never be able to repay them.

The miracle of a musical theater production to take me away from my current challenges. Hadestown provided a moving experience as well as a message I am using daily: Never doubt.

The miracle of experience with difficulties. In June 1993, when Jim was facing a rough back surgery and the future looked shaky, I called to the Holy Spirit for help. I heard and wrote down these words, which I carry in my heart and call on when I need them:

Do not be afraid

Everything will be alright

Do not spend one more minute of worry

Did you ever think you’d be left without a way?

You’ll know what to do and when to do it

Do not be afraid

Everything will be alright

I recorded this in my journal today and then spontaneously wrote:

I will continue to listen for guidance from the One who knows what I need most. I vow to continue to look for everyday miracles because in my best days, I know that is the entire purpose of our being here. 

I won’t throw away my miracle.

Your Gifts

Every morning I read a selection from a book called A Year of Miracles by Marianne Williamson. The readings are based on the book A Course in Miracles, of which I've been a longtime student.

Earlier this week, on a page entitled For Reflection: On Where to Put Our Talents, I read the following:

We're not raised in a society that asks, "What are your gifts, and how can they make the world a more beautiful place?" We're usually asked something more like this: "What will you do to make a living?" This knocks us out of our natural rhythm, because the soul simply doesn't think that way.

I decided right then and there I would ask my learners the two important questions.

Although it turned out to be a challenge for some of my young people to understand they had a gift to give the world, most of them dove right in with answers. Since we are an arts school, many of the 146 responses had to do with art, theater, dance, and music. And there was a smattering of sport and video game related responses.

We often don't get to talk about these things in school, and I think it was a wonderful exercise for them to have to think about this.  By the way, one person did ask what my gift was and I said writing! Doing it, teaching it, reading about it. I am a writer, for sure!

I have selected 20 of the responses to share here:

I am funny and sarcastic. I can make people laugh.

I'm good at being nice to people. I can help give the world more kindness.

I am great at math and can become a math teacher.

I'm good at running in football and soccer. I can make kids healthy again.

My gifts are intelligence, music, imagination, and courage. I can help the world by making new medicines and other amazing achievements.

I am good at acting and academics. Theater makes people happy, and academics advances the quality of life.

My gifts are kindness and generosity. I can spread more joy throughout the world.

I am good at basketball, and I can show my dunking skills when I'm in the WBNA.

My gift is being smart. I can make schools for people who can't afford them.

Art is my gift. I can make spread beauty by creating art pieces for the world to admire. 

 

Even the ocean gives us a gift we all enjoy! 

I am good at reading and academics. I can be a teacher and help people understand things.

Dance. I can perform and entertain people for their enjoyment.

My mom says I'm a big-hearted person. I care a lot for my friends and family and strangers.

My gift is styling clothes. I can help style and inspire other people.

 

Reading, swimming, public speaking, being kind, and making friends. I can help make people feel more welcome at school.

Music and patience. I can listen to people's  problems and comfort them, then I can show them some awesome music.

I have a gift for makeup and creativity. I can create a makeup line and spread positivity and diversity in the makeup community.

I am a positive person. I can pick people up when they're feeling down, and help them feel more confident and happy.

I can make some mean fried chicken. I can make people's bellies feel great.

 

I'm good at violin, figure skating, soccer, gymnastics, dance, and singing. My friends say I'm funny and kind. I can't fix the world, but I can make my friends happy, and they can spread the positivity.

*

You can bet I'll be doing this activity again!

“presiding over all those miracles”

Winding backwards on a morning walk at my local beach, I am thinking of this Billy Collins poem:

 

Dogma

I might be an atheist

were it not

for all the tall angels

and the pudgy cherubs

in the silvery clouds

presiding over all those miracles.

While driving, I saw ice rainbows in the clouds....

Tall angels in the form of osprey....

Pudgy cherubs in sunrise clouds…

Pudgy cherubs in the silvery cloud reflections…

 So many dragonflies...this one posed for me, then flew on...

I find my broken tree, drop my shell in, and speak out loud that God and I will always preside 

over these miracles together.

24. "The grass bends..."

#66Challenge

The grass bends

then learns again to stand 

~Tracy K. Smith~

 

This was me this past week,

grass being tromped down

bent out of shape

torn and tattered.

 

This was me this past week,

a pawn in some mysterious game 

to teach me to look

and listen better.

 

This is me now

standing tall

sprung back from the ground.

Still rooted.

Still strong.

The Path is Made Clear (7 Lines/7 Days #80)

 #108Weeks

November 21-27, 2021

This is the week I have finally come back to studying the text of A Course in Miracles, something I first studied 30 years ago. It is about time I got the message going in my life. I am grateful.

All the quotes (italics) are from the book.

 Each day should be devoted to miracles.

The choice to judge rather than to know is the cause of loss of peace.

You are not at peace because you're not fulfilling your function.

All things work together for good.

I can slow myself down and look for the genius.

I need to bring the creative writing teacher in me to the reading classroom. That is my truest self.

I walked the labyrinth asking how to love God with my whole heart, soul, and mind.