The Secret of Life (1/18/25)

Today I read a Regina Brett essay called “The secret of life is not a secret. It’s sprinkled all over your life.”

She explains that the “secret” is always available, and for at least 4 pages she lists everyday moves and thoughts that add to life. No spiritual coaches needed. Everything is right in front of us.

Here is the list I made in my journal after reading her essay:

Walking Bunche Beach before 8 a.m.

Lectio Divina

Reading books by my favorite authors

Discovering new favorite authors

Inspiring creative writers

Bluegrass festivals

Neighbors I can count on

My old vinyl records—lots of memories in those grooves

Plenty of food in the fridge

Edye’s mint chocolate chip ice cream

Accomplishing new tasks around my home

Pleasant afternoons on the lanai, reading and napping

New music releases

Finding old music releases I never paid attention to

Discovering a new orchid bloom

Solstice Gratitudes

 

I am grateful for books and music

I am grateful for my support systems

At Iona-Hope Church

Cypress Lake Middle School

My neighborhood

My enduring teacher friends far and wide

My classmates from SJA class of 1973

My family

Those that make me laugh

Those that cry with me

I am grateful for counselors and nurses

I am grateful for the level of health I do have

And that I am getting stronger every day

I’m grateful for my home

And that I have had so many holiday invitations

As the picture above illustrates

There appears to be duality in our lives

But it is all Oneness

Nothing is ever lost

So it doesn’t need to be found 

Change (it’s okay!)

On Thanksgiving day I read a poem called “thankful” by ullie kaye.  There were a few lines that stood out to me, so I’ve decided to put them here with chosen images, so I may remember.

i am thankful for skies that change color

for paths that change direction

and for seasons that remind me we are all just one breath away from a new beginning

Thanksgiving Gratitudes (of course!)

 I am grateful for three days spent with friends this week

And especially for the dinner I will be having today

The first holiday without Jim present.

I am grateful for you, my family and friends, who read this blog

Cheer me on

Comfort me.

I am grateful for all the medical professionals who helped us through this year

Of unprecedented hospital visits

And Hope Hospice as well.

I am grateful to everyone at Cypress Lake Middle

Always there for me.

I am grateful to my neighbors who have done so much for me.

I am grateful to those who have reached out across the miles,

Calling and writing and sending cards

Especially the SJA class of 1973.

I am grateful for my new church home

Providing the anchors I need.

I am grateful for all who helped me pull my retirement together,

Which was no small feat given my husband was dying.

I am grateful my healing from that horrible infection

Has been consistently good.

I am grateful for professional advice I’ve had to seek.

This Thanksgiving Day

Is for us all to remember

We will always make it through

Somehow, someway.

For that, I am mostly grateful.

Thanksgiving Day 2016

What a Busy Week

It’s late Friday afternoon, and I’m just getting to this blog. It’s been quite a week, but I seem to be coming to the end of the long road of financial and legal matters. I’ve had several ideas on where to take this, but will keep it short and sweet.

I picked up Jim’s touchstone today.

This is a flat stone in a display I can take out and hold in my hand. It contains some of his ashes.

When I die, there will be one made in purple for me. Well, not for me…I guess for whoever wants it. It’s already paid for.

Which, by the way, I highly recommend making your arrangements and getting them paid for in advance. It saved me a lot of angst and trouble when Jim passed. I was able to pull out a card with his account number and phone number to call. Quick and easy. I have a friend whose husband died in June and she said going to the funeral home to make the arrangements was the worst. It was traumatizing to her.

Here is where the stone will sit when not in my hand. 

Now I’m working on building in a lot of “me” time as Thanksgiving week approaches. I am grateful my friend Pam has invited me to share dinner at Lexington Country Club on Thursday. My friend Iris will be in Siesta Key, so we will meet in Punta Gorda for lunch on Tuesday. Otherwise, I have books to read and shows to watch and I really need to get a walk in at Lakes Park during this cooler weather. I am doing my best to take small steps forward and enjoy life just as it is. 

Thank you, friends, for listening and sharing your thoughts. It motivates me to keep expressing here, which I truly believe is something I need.

Friday Gratitudes

 Thankful today for…

Cooler weather

A week with a good combination of production and rest

Positive reverberations from last weekend

Music

Mexican food and sushi

Getting back to my massage therapist tomorrow

Crystal bowl event on Sunday

Authors who share great stories

All the people who have helped me…and who are still reaching out

I do not feel alone or forgotten

I feel rich and full of purpose. 💜🌻🩷

I don’t usually do this, but today I must. I subscribe to Sherman Alexie on Substack, and on occasion he posts poems, micro-memoirs, and short stories he’s written. The one today really spoke to me. I think it is because I use the phrase “take care” quite a bit. In fact, I bet I said it to Jim every time I left him, along with “I love you.”  

The power of this poem, besides its format which is interesting in its own right, is that it makes you think of some small thing you are grateful for, something that helps you take care of yourself or others. For me today it’s fresh water and ice I have constant access to. It helps me stay hydrated and healthy. I like that I can rely on it.

Enjoy this poem “Take Care.” I hope it makes you think of one small thing you are grateful for today.

Take Care  poem SHERMAN ALEXIE OCT 16 This morning, before we ended the call, my friend said "Take care," a common phrase, yes, and delivered by habit but let's take a moment to recognize its uncommon grace, its call for all of us to take care of ourselves, of course, but also to take care of others, and, today, let it be a call to take care, to notice, the smaller beauties of the things that surround us. I feel silly but I'm going to celebrate the shredded wheat squares that I ate for breakfast. Ah, the crisp and slight sweetness of the cereal are also the two aspects of personality that I love most in people—so here is my honor song for that blend of human satire and kindness—the gentle mockery and gentle praise—the edge of tender and tender of edge—that leave me laughing and grateful for loving and being loved.   LIKE COMMENT RESTACK

Monday Gratitudes

 

Jim with high school friend Russ Fernlund (2012)

It’s been one week since Jim left this plane of existence.

Today I am grateful that I got through this first week.

I’m grateful I got to talk to his oldest friend on Saturday.

I’m grateful Annmarie and I had a delicious lunch together.

I am grateful to all who checked in on me and helped during the hurricane.

I’m grateful I’m slowly chipping away at things that need to be done here.

It feels good.

I’m grateful I decided to return to a church home. I felt incredibly welcome.

I’m grateful I will have a prayer group and a grief group.

I’m grateful for the books I’m reading. 

I’m grateful for the shows I’m watching. They keep me entertained.

I’m grateful for good food and good neighbors.

I’m grateful for those who follow this blog!

Now I Know

 My heart feels lighter today.

Two days ago, I talked to one of the hospice services in our area. I was pretty much told that I needed to bring my husband home and figure out how to care for him.

I was an agony. I am still in recovery from a horrible infection I had, and he is totally dependent. I even talked to a private nursing company in the area, but it did nothing to assuage my fears.

I kept thinking there had to be another way. So I asked to see the other hospice company – – Hope Hospice. I had talked to them once before, so wasn’t really sure what I thought I was going to gain.

But I went with best intentions.

Before I went up to Jim’s room in the afternoon to meet with them, I did something I have not done at all in all my visits to the hospital. I stopped in the chapel.

And there on the wall was a dove. This commonly is a symbol for the Holy Spirit.

It was the Holy Spirit in 1993 that gave me a prayer that I have memorized and I say often.

And I heard that prayer again while I stood there, looking at the dove on the wall.

Do not be afraid

Do not be afraid

Everything will be all right

Did you ever think you’d be left without a way?

Do not spend one minute of worry

You will know what to do and when to do it

Do not be afraid

Everything will be all right

I went up to Jim‘s room and I talked to him. On the advice of my friend Becky, who had been through this with her parents, I told him it’s OK to go. I told him I will be all right, and it is because of all the strength he has given me. He came in my life when I needed somebody to see me for who I was, and he did that.

I asked him if he felt he was transitioning, and he nodded yes.

The nurses from hospice came in, and I told them the horror story of this year starting with the cancer diagnosis. I expressed my concerns on bringing him home, that I didn’t think that was appropriate or helpful. 

And then to my complete surprise, they told me there is another way to go. There is something called General In-Patient and it would mean that Jim could do hospice right there in the hospital. Hospice would manage his comfort care. This was such a huge relief, I cannot even explain!  The interesting thing is this program is only about a month old in the Lee health system. It was the answer to my prayers… My “I don’t know”prayers.

They called me later and said Jim is approved for the program. I have a few more questions to ask before I commit, and believe this is most likely the way to go. They will keep him comfortable and out of pain. He hasn’t eaten anything since before his surgery, so I’m really not sure how long he will last. 

These last several months have all been about letting him go, and it’s happened gradually. I actually think that was a gift to me rather than losing him at all at once. It has helped me know I will be OK on my own.

On my way out I stopped back in the chapel and I said thank you.

Sunday Gratitudes

 

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me remain calm.

Thank you for great healthcare professionals who did their job and moved on Jim’s symptoms.

Thank you for my husband of all these years. I’ve been blessed.

Thank you for this sunny morning. And the coffee. And refrigerator full of food to keep me healthy.

Thank you for deep sleep. I needed it.

Thank you for some return of my energy. I’m beginning to notice it.

Thank you for another day to see my husband and hold his hand.

Thursday Gratitudes

 

I’m so glad to be home and see the colors of the sky and water.

I am grateful I can visit Jim.

I am grateful for home health care.

I am grateful to friends who keep in touch and are praying for us.

I am grateful for my workplace support.

I am grateful for health insurance.

I am grateful for music, a large part of each morning.

I am grateful I have some independence.

I’m grateful I feel a bit stronger and steadier today.

Monday Gratitudes

 

I am grateful for the changes that have occurred.

Positive changes.

Yesterday, for the first time in a week,

I could envision Jim getting strong enough to come home.

We had a good morning.

He cleaned up, trimmed his beard,

He rolled himself outside to see our new car.

We made little plans for our anniversary coming up.

I relaxed fully in the afternoon,

The constant worry I’ve felt having subsided.

I know there are still more challenges to come.

I’m just grateful for a respite from the craziness.

Birthday Gratitudes

 Today I turn 69-years-old, an age my father never met.

I am grateful I survived a devastating car accident.

I am grateful we paid off our house yesterday.

I am grateful Scott and Braydon are here.

I am grateful kind people are taking care of my husband.

I am grateful for friends that continue to reach out.

I am grateful to all who have supported this difficult healing process.

I am grateful my workplace smoothed the way for me to be home.

I am grateful for music and books that sustain me.

I am grateful that every time I feel ungrounded, I find ways to get my footing.

most amazing

When I was in high school, I loved the poet e.e. cummings. It wasn’t just his poetry, but his breaking of grammar rules. He was the first one to make me feel like there could be a freedom in expression that was not something I was taught. I tended to sign my name in lower case. 

This particular cummings poem is my favorite. It takes me back to the summer of 1998 when I was in grief over the loss of my father. I was still a sponsor for Youth of Unity and went to my final annual conference in Kansas City, Missouri with three of our members. This poem was on the back of the program booklet.

This poem reminds me that even with our small little deaths, there is always new life. It reminds me to look and really see. It reminds me that gratitude is always possible.

In this weird summer of health issues and terrifying incidents and uncertain future, e.e.cummings points the way back to amazement and grace. I am grateful.

Gratitude Friday

It is already 4:00 and today has been go go go. Lots of paperwork and phone calls. I’m getting ready to put on some music and take a nap, then remembered I hadn’t written here.  So here are the things I’m grateful for today:

They confirmed the inflammation in Jim’s colon through an colonoscopy, and are treating it with steroids. And he finally got some real food for lunch…the last meal he had was last Saturday evening.

I got my new car delivered to me. I’m not cleared to drive it yet, but it sure is pretty.

I spoke with a counselor today, and I will be having 8 sessions with her, and 8 sessions with a life coach. This is through my Aetna insurance, and I’m very grateful for Melissa, my Care Manager. She has been making a lot of calls to get me what I need.

I had an entire day at home, which has been really nice.

I received my ballot in the mail and it’s a reminder I live in a democracy with free and fair elections. Super grateful for that!

I feel pretty good today. I seemed to have turned a corner where I have to remind myself it’s time for meds. I’m not getting that achy feeling ahead of time that was the standard. I still have a long way to go.

Tonight’s dinner will be shrimp cocktail and street corn. Yummy!

I’ve been watching episodes of Brooklyn Nine-Nine on Netflix and I’m sure enjoying it.

My friends have been there for me this week, either through providing rides, taking me to dinner, checking in on me, and sending cards. I will never be able to repay the kindnesses I’ve received.

Lifting

 

For two weeks now

I've been moving slow

 

Can't hold much weight

in my right hand

 

Have to lie on my back to sleep

Feels so rigid

 

Every day seems to bring

a new crisis

 

To stress me and

raise my blood pressure

 

When I need to be resting

It proves impossible.

 

When the caretaker gets injured

the whole house suffers

 

It's a constant weighing of

who is best to do what

 

And it's usually me

 

It is so hard sometimes to not feel sad

for my lost summer

 

I long to do my yoga

Walk in nature

 

Sleep on my side

Not worry about Jim

 

But all this proves

impossible

 

I know my body and 

yes, I am healing

 

People do care, and they

have been here

 

I really don't mean 

to be ungrateful

 

My injuries make it harder

for me to deal with 

my husband's terminal illness

 

And now here is where

I remind myself

 

It's only been two weeks,

Helen, give yourself a break

 

When no one is here to lift me

I just have to lift myself

Pool Boy

 

This is my brother-in-law Paul, who hopped in the car and drove two days to be here after my auto accident. He is currently installing two grab bars in our water closet to help keep us more secure.

Paul likes to swim in the morning, so he has been using our community pool. The first day he went, there was one other older lady up there during the time he was there.

The next day, Paul noted there were three ladies.

By yesterday, there was a cache of six to seven. Word had spread of this new, good-looking guy swimming laps in the pool. Can’t you just see the text messages flying in the hands of these ladies cell phones?

I’d love to tell these women that they’re looking at one of the funniest, hard-working, loyal, energetic, and giving individuals on the planet. I just told him I could never ever repay him for what he has done for us this week. He has made us laugh, been there every second needed, prepped food, and did housework and maintenance. All while doing his regular paid job, which included plenty of zoom meetings.

Paul is a marvel in my eyes. I will be sad when he leaves tomorrow.

But meanwhile, to the neighborhood ladies getting an eyeful…

Eat your hearts out, sisters…he belongs to us.

Well, my perfect streak ended…

 …but it wasn’t my fault! 

It’s morning. The sun is out.  I got my glasses. I got my Kind Almond Butter Granola bar. I got the most perfect coffee in the world made by my sweetheart.

I have family here providing much needed help. And I feel like I’m growing stronger quickly.

Thank you, my many hospital visitors. And sorry to those I warded off when I was having my bad hospital day. The gifts were appreciated, especially the chocolates I shared with the nurses.

Thank you to all who texted and emailed and called. Your words lifted me and I could feel the prayer wind.

Thank you, cousin Doreen in Asheville, who sent me an email on Saturday morning because I wasn’t blogging and she knew something might be wrong. 

Writers gotta write. And I have lots to write about. But not today. This is just my reentry.

What I do want to say is this: a comment was made to me that the man who smashed into me had “ruined my life.” I had not for a second felt like a victim in this scenario. I could not even relate to those words. I could never square it with all the things I have written in here that remind me of the Oneness of all things and God’s vision for me. I am already starting to see it. 

And I have no doubt all will be well.

Monday Morning Gratitudes

 First…the sunrise today.

I am grateful for all the friends who reached out this weekend. Thank you X a million.

I am grateful we are starting to get a handle on what we will do in case of a hurricane. That has been a relief.

I am grateful Jim woke up feeling better. The last few days were rough from the chemo, but he seems to have recovered. 😊

I am grateful my energy has returned and I’m getting things done around here. I’m taking it easy on myself, and am committed to doing things at a pace that works for me.

Along with that thought, I have decided to abandon reading One Hundred Years of Solitude. There are just too many other books I think I will enjoy more. Going to get on with that! Grateful for so many books! 

Seven years ago today is when I had one of my favorite concert experiences in a Tennessee cave called The Bluegrass Underground. I am grateful for the times Jim and I had traveling to places that matter to us. Nothing will ever take away those memories.

Turtle

It’s a New Moon, and I have pulled the Turtle card. I feel the message here is appropriate for where I am right now, and so I am documenting here for reference. Overall it’s about right use of energy, connecting with nature, and staying grounded and grateful.

Maybe some of this will speak to my readers.

Turtle is the personification of Goddess energy

Turtle teaches how to use protection

Honor the creative source in you, be grounded, observe with compassion

Use earth and water energies to flow harmoniously with your situation and place your feet firmly on the ground

In learning to ground, you are placing focus on your thoughts and actions and slowing to a pace that assures completion

Don’t “push the river”

Develop your ideas before bringing to light

Connect to the power of Mother Earth

Use her energy to aid you, and you will be healed enough to share this energy with others

You are not a victim, and you are not helpless, in your present situation

From a grateful heart, look for the abundance of alternatives that Mother Earth gives