Whatever I Want It To Be

 

Yesterday, my sister asked me if I was coming to Ohio for Christmas.

I told her no, mostly because of health reasons

But in reality, I have no desire to travel during the busy holiday season.

Still, it brought up that I’ve been feeling uneasy about Christmas

Would I decorate?

Would I listen to Christmas music?

What would I do on the actual day?

And once I answered her question, I realized I needed to put some thought into this.

I took my journal and went out to the lanai on a gorgeous day

And I quickly realized this is all in my hands

I thought about all the ways Jim and I reimagined Christmas as we needed to

And that I could surely do the same

Then I got excited about listening to Christmas music.

And I thought yes, I can decorate as much as little as I want to.

The only rules are the ones I made for myself.

I might decide to write cards.

I might decide to buy gifts.

Right now, I’m not sure what direction I will take

But I am clear that it will be wonderful, and just what I want it to be.

Wolf

 It’s the New Moon. Today I pulled the Wolf card which means Teacher. It feels fitting for the end of the school year.

Expand your limited view of the present situation

Look and new ideas—delete old ideas

In the discovery and rediscovery of every inch of ground comes the knowledge that nothing remains the same

Wolf is urging you to seek teachers and pathfinders that will show the way to new life experiences

The teacher can be a small still voice inside, a person, a leaf, a cloud, a stone, a tree, a book, or the Great Spirit

Take up the sense of adventure

“When I was 16 and sick of school…”

 

Today I woke to the news that Eric Carmen had passed away over the weekend.

So many memories flood my head at the name. So much so, I just have to write about this Cleveland native, this "Paul McCartney without the British accent," this songwriter and performer.

When I was 16, I frequently went to a teen dance club called Cyrus Erie -- which was the name of Eric's first band. This club featured some really great local groups, The Raspberries among them.

I found these artifacts online. Freeport was a favorites local band of mine, as well as REIGN (not spelled RAIN). Alice Cooper made more than one appearance at Cyrus Erie; rumor was he was friends with the owner. Since I wasn't much of a fan, I never went to see him.

The photo above was a screenshot from a weird video I discovered from back in the day. A band called Island was playing (not familiar with them), but it helped me visualize even better the layout of the club. There was a seating area in front of the band, and off to the left was the dance floor. 

In the spring of 1972, my Junior year in high school, The Raspberries put out their first album, complete with scratch'n'sniff raspberry sticker, which kept my vinyl collection smelling pretty for years to come. I used to wear raspberry Bonne Bell lipstick as well. It was a theme.

During that summer I dated a guy named Eddie, and we never missed seeing The Raspberries at Cyrus Erie. We would split a 6-pack of Schlitz malt liquor on the way there (I'd have 2, he'd have 4), and then we'd dance and sing loudly to every song until the lights came on. I think they played practically every other week, even when "Go All the Way" was a hit song on the radio. They also played for my school's winter semi-formal in December.

Somewhere along the way, I dropped my interest in them for other singers and bands. Even with that being the case, when I hear the song "Let's Pretend" from the Fresh album, I have to sing along -- loudly. That is one great song, and also the most Beatlesque! Watch a performance from 1973 here:

 

Fast forward to fall 1976. I was now 21-years-old, and had started my first "professional" career, and was pretty lonely. What I remember most about Eric's solo hit song "All By Myself" is hearing it while driving in the dark and relating so fully to the lyrics. I was that kind of emo young adult. 😖

Fast forward again to the late 1980s. Eric was making a name for himself writing for soundtracks. It was always good to hear him on the radio. There is one specific memory that stands out, and it is about the how music was changing.

In 1988 I had purchased a direct mail advertising business. In the fall of 1989 I signed up for an advertising class through the Cleveland Advertising Club. One of our sessions involved creation of music for advertising. The guy leading the session had nothing but an Apple computer and a piano keyboard. He started playing "Hungry Eyes," one of Eric's big hits from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. He told us that the entire thing had been created electronically, using Garage Band. No real players were needed: just the vocalist and the engineer.

The future of music was right there before my eyes in 1989, and it had Eric's voice attached.

*

When I heard this morning that Eric Carmen had passed, all these memories flashed through my head. For me he represents a very specific time in my life, one that is vivid in its fun, music, and dancing memories, and from which I cannot separate myself from even if I tried. Those days were the transition from youth to adult, and music went hand-in-hand with that. Eric's music informed and formed me in some ways that I can now discern.

This meme came through my feed today:

Today I thank you, Eric -- for decades of music, that took me from teen years to adulthood, to this very day when I'm listening to your essentials and wondering why I have failed to honor you more often. I didn't talk about it much in this memoir, but you were also there for some tough times, things that happened that were hard for me to process. You took the edge off that anxiety, and for that I am most grateful.

As the years have passed, there are songs that have floated to the surface as my all-time favorites written by Eric Carmen.  I already mentioned one of them. The other is "That's Rock and Roll." I feel it is one  that is overlooked, perhaps because it was a teen idol hit by Shaun Cassidy. But that doesn't negate the fun and power pop of the song.  Listen below. The lyrics are there, so feel free to sing with me--loudly!

Now don't you worry
'Bout bein' a star
It doesn't matter
Who or what you are
Just get the rhythm
And let it fill ya
That's rock and roll

 

The 90s Version of Me

 It happened quite unexpectedly.

Today when I went on my favorite song guessing game, Song Pop, they had a daily mission to identify the Lenny Kravitz song “Again.” I pulled up the “Lenny Kravitz: Best of” list and found the song pretty early on. But what I noticed was that I was enjoying playing the list and, best of all, it was easy to identify his songs because they don’t all sound alike.

It is now going on 10 a.m., and I am still listening to Lenny and playing his list on Song Pop. I feel like a long delayed 1990s version of me has arisen. I wrote on January 22nd about how we have a million versions of ourselves waiting to be discovered and now, wow, I’m coming face to face with one of those.

The other reason is that tonight I am going to see the musical Jagged Little Pill based on the music of Alanis Morissette. I have one song from her that meant a lot to me in 2016 when I was home from work suffering with shingles, and I hit shuffle on the music machine and got “Thank U.”  I cried all the way through it. I may again tonight…who knows?

My Gen X friends made me aware of the power of Alanis many years ago. I realized then that Alanis was their Joni Mitchell or Carole King. We all need that as teens, and the female artists do that for us. It’s one of the best parts about music.

So, why didn’t I get into Lenny and Alanis back in the day? Well, probably a ton of reasons, not the least that their music wasn’t exactly aimed to my demographic.  Yet, I always appreciated their songs, knowing many of them well enough to sing along to. Still, during the 90s I had a ton of things going on and leaned toward softer music and 90s country.

Today, though, it’s Lenny all the way. As I finish up this post, I’m listening to this song and it has been the one that has spoken loudest to me today. Enjoy a very young Lenny reminding us it ain’t over ‘til it’s over. Even, apparently, the 1990s!

At Twenty-Six (a nonet)

 Inspired by the poem “Your Heart is not a Hospital” by Nikita Gill. Read it https://emergingfromthedarknight.best/2018/04/04/your-heart-is-not-a-hospital-nikita-gill/

I was twenty six years old when I 

came to realize what she says, 

that I never should settle 

or think I’m not worth more. 

When it became clear, 

I took control 

and then found 

the real 

me.

Your Gifts

Every morning I read a selection from a book called A Year of Miracles by Marianne Williamson. The readings are based on the book A Course in Miracles, of which I've been a longtime student.

Earlier this week, on a page entitled For Reflection: On Where to Put Our Talents, I read the following:

We're not raised in a society that asks, "What are your gifts, and how can they make the world a more beautiful place?" We're usually asked something more like this: "What will you do to make a living?" This knocks us out of our natural rhythm, because the soul simply doesn't think that way.

I decided right then and there I would ask my learners the two important questions.

Although it turned out to be a challenge for some of my young people to understand they had a gift to give the world, most of them dove right in with answers. Since we are an arts school, many of the 146 responses had to do with art, theater, dance, and music. And there was a smattering of sport and video game related responses.

We often don't get to talk about these things in school, and I think it was a wonderful exercise for them to have to think about this.  By the way, one person did ask what my gift was and I said writing! Doing it, teaching it, reading about it. I am a writer, for sure!

I have selected 20 of the responses to share here:

I am funny and sarcastic. I can make people laugh.

I'm good at being nice to people. I can help give the world more kindness.

I am great at math and can become a math teacher.

I'm good at running in football and soccer. I can make kids healthy again.

My gifts are intelligence, music, imagination, and courage. I can help the world by making new medicines and other amazing achievements.

I am good at acting and academics. Theater makes people happy, and academics advances the quality of life.

My gifts are kindness and generosity. I can spread more joy throughout the world.

I am good at basketball, and I can show my dunking skills when I'm in the WBNA.

My gift is being smart. I can make schools for people who can't afford them.

Art is my gift. I can make spread beauty by creating art pieces for the world to admire. 

 

Even the ocean gives us a gift we all enjoy! 

I am good at reading and academics. I can be a teacher and help people understand things.

Dance. I can perform and entertain people for their enjoyment.

My mom says I'm a big-hearted person. I care a lot for my friends and family and strangers.

My gift is styling clothes. I can help style and inspire other people.

 

Reading, swimming, public speaking, being kind, and making friends. I can help make people feel more welcome at school.

Music and patience. I can listen to people's  problems and comfort them, then I can show them some awesome music.

I have a gift for makeup and creativity. I can create a makeup line and spread positivity and diversity in the makeup community.

I am a positive person. I can pick people up when they're feeling down, and help them feel more confident and happy.

I can make some mean fried chicken. I can make people's bellies feel great.

 

I'm good at violin, figure skating, soccer, gymnastics, dance, and singing. My friends say I'm funny and kind. I can't fix the world, but I can make my friends happy, and they can spread the positivity.

*

You can bet I'll be doing this activity again!

Thinking Out Loud on an Auspicious Solstice Morning

 Written 12-21-21

I am finding inspiration and motivation from every direction.

A few days ago I realized I was ready to move on from the place I've been, which has been rather stuck. I knew this was coming, but I did not have a vision.

Today the vision began to form.

First, with Atomic Habits by James Clear. I'm thinking What kind of person do I want to be? And What habits will get me there?

This motivated me to get on my exercise bike, and I put on a podcast from Michael Meade called "The Cultivated Heart: In Loving Memory of Robert Bly."  I have met both of these men before, and Robert passed a month ago today.  In the podcast, Michael focused a lot on writings Robert did for a poetry anthology they worked on together called The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. It has always been one of my favorite collections.

What was helpful to me is that the topic of cultivating our hearts caused Michael to focus on a few specific poems, two of which really spoke to me.

 

I think I will also take a moment to mention why I knew I was stuck, even as I knew it was time to move on. First, I had a meeting with some friends where I found myself blaming a lot of others for things I'm encountering. This left me emotionally reeling for at least 12 hours, and was not a pleasant experience.

Second, I met a friend for lunch and a Broadway show, only to find myself surprised that she brought me Christmas presents. Why I was surprised baffled me. We always exchange gifts. How is it that I have not even given it ONE thought these last few weeks when I knew we had this event coming up?  My only answer is that I have become ridiculously insular and selfishly focused that even things that should be evident go right past me. Not a good feeling. I blamed myself deeply for the neglect of this important exchange.

Another thing I encountered recently that brought me up short was revisiting other blog posts from Decembers of previous years. It is there I found something I wrote on December 9, 2017 called "On Questions and Contradictions." In this post I discovered that much of what I keep complaining about now are the exact same things that were happening then. Have I not even figured out how to do better?

In the blog, I referred to the poem "The Sunflowers" by Mary Oliver, in which she suggests we ask sunflowers questions:

Come with me
to visit the sunflowers,
they are shy
but want to be friends;
they have wonderful stories
of when they were young –
the important weather,
the wandering crows.
Don’t be afraid
to ask them questions!
Their bright faces,
which follow the sun,
will listen, and all
those rows of seeds –
each one a new life!

I then proceeded to ask myself a lot of questions, many I still have today. Things like...How do I get through to my students? Why do I go through this every year? What will make real change? 

And most importantly, Why can't I be you, Sunflower?

Coming upon this blog post was unforgettable in this current quest.  Leave it to Michael Meade to pick up the pieces for me when he read this poem:

This poem connected everything together -- all my tears, my grief, my vulnerability, my blaming of others, and a good comeuppance on how wrong my view can be. This is about seeds being cultivated. It has been too easy to tighten up and not let that seed explode into something wonderful. After all, everything real in life is about breaking open to the moment. Without it, there is no creativity, no innovation.

Michael goes on to explain:

[We must live] with immediacy of the soul, that rare sense that the next moment can break open. And that we must...marry it, step into it, and become ourselves in that moment of opening and awaking. If we fail to do that we have not fully participated in the world.

It is obvious I have to do that which is really difficult for me -- truly open up, live more fully, love more actively. I have been saying this for years, and I think I'm doing it, but recent events have found my fault lines. And recent events have also taught me I have no time to waste. I look ahead and I see an end line. This is a new feeling, and one I must reckon with.

But Michael wasn't done. Then he introduced this poem, which gave me further marching orders!

To Be a Slave of Intensity (Kabir, trans. by Robert Bly)

Friend, hope for the guest while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think...and think...while you are alive.
What you call 'salvation' belongs to the time before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,
do you think
ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic
Just because the body is rotten -
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
you will simply end up with an apartment in the City of Death.
If you make love with the divine now, in the next life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!

Kabir says this: When the guest is being searched for, it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest that does all the work.
Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity. 

JUMP INTO EXPERIENCE WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE.

BREAK THE ROPES.

I simply LOVE that! 

"So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is, Believe in the Great Sound"

Welcome it all--joy and sorrow. Don't ignore any of it. ENGAGE!

So the answer to Why can't I be you, Sunflower?

is

I AM. I just don't activate it.

*

I'm not quite done, even though that seems like quite a lot.

For the first time in a long time I pulled a Rune stone. And the word was perfect, of course: FAITH.

This is already a word I have embraced during the journey over these past few months. I discovered it when I did the 33 Question Cards to find my word. When the Rune divination said the same, well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

And I still needed these words:

Faith encourages us to believe that we can make a difference -- in ourselves and in the world.

And so, on this auspicious solstice day of 12-21-21, I commit more fully to the life I know I need to live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy. I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all--every ugly or beautiful moment, encounter, or feeling-- as TEACHER.

I needed to identify the turning point, and this has been it.

11:05 am  12/21/2021

 

20. Be Relaxed. Be Ready.

 #66Challenge

 

Yesterday I decided it was time to walk a labyrinth, as I had some things on my mind that I thought a good meditative walk would resolve. 

Before I went, I pulled out my Labyrinth Journal, which I've been writing in after just about every labyrinth walk since December 2006. In it I found my last labyrinth walk on February 15, 2020.

The photo of the card below is from a deck I have called Perfect Calm cards. On the back of the card is a little piece of writing about Taking Responsibility. 

In a reflection I wrote, I said I felt the card was telling me to relax and keep calm even when things seem to be falling apart. This was just a few weeks after my husband had a mild stroke, and a few weeks before the world would be in a full-blown global pandemic. At the time I walked the labyrinth, Coronavirus was just a blip on my radar, so I know I wasn't writing about it.

I also wrote these words about the card:

The crossroads card brought to mind that I very well could be coming to a transition...Anything can change at any time. The message from the labyrinth is Be Relaxed. Be Ready.

 

Fast forward to the day I reflected on "Vienna," which I wrote about in the previous post. I know cultural anthropologist and mythologist Michael Meade talks a lot about genius, so I went to find a video about that, since Billy Joel had mentioned it. I came upon a video called "Run Toward the Roar," and I know I've heard the story before, and thought I'd check it out once more.

This is an ancient story about how the elders in Africa would teach the young warriors to hunt. They taught them that the old lions, the ones that were no longer able to run fast, would sit in the tall grasses. The younger lions would be across the way, in another area of grass. When the herds made their way toward the lions, the old lions would roar loudly -- causing the herd to run to where the more vital and able lions were waiting. They taught their young warriors to "Go toward the roar."

Fast forward to now. It is no secret the education system is in a huge crisis, and even I have been a victim of the dysfunction, a teacher looking to perhaps retire or to at least run away as fast as I can. It took a complete mental and physical breakdown (with time away) to find my direction.

Michael Meade says right now the culture as a whole is going through a collective rite of passage. I believe this applies directly to teachers, as well as many other issues we are facing. Here is the way he describes it:

A group of people begin to realize that the world as we imagine it, the worldview that we inherited, does not work anymore. It doesn't solve most people's problems, and in this case, it destroys the ecosystems and things like that, so it's a worldview that cannot, in the long run, be life-sustaining. And there's an old idea that humans come into the world when the life-support system of the womb collapses...Now we consider the way we view the world, the womb that we used to be in, the one we call the modern world or the western world, no longer works as a sustaining system for either culture or for nature. We need to exit from the womb and go towards what seems to be the roar, but it also is the direction where we might be able to imagine the next world that is more sustainable and inclusive....We are like the young people told by the elders to run to the roar.

What he is speaking of 100% applies to education. The "womb" has been deteriorating for a long time, and we did little to adjust. Now we are in a major crisis that HAS to be re-imagined by the collective. The things we are doing DO NOT WORK. Teachers are on the front line and are suffering from the lack of life-support. This is devastating for our entire culture.

The issue is that educators are bailing because it has gotten completely unsustainable for so many (and I know...I was there, and who knows, could end up there again.) The sad part is there is a lot of blame and talking about the problems, but not a lot of people talking about any real solutions. At least not that I've heard, and I've been paying attention!

So, back to February 15, 2020. Yes, I sensed there were changes, but not at all as we were confronted with. I recall the many difficulties and dark days during that spring, the separation from each other, and all the other devastating affects. We said then we'd have to do something different, that this was a signal to transition and re-vision education. Instead, we just have more of the same, this constant drumbeat to "return to normal," but now with a whole additional cache of unskilled behaviors, unbelievable stresses, and mental health issues among our young learners.

Guided by the many teachings that are coming my way, I know that my job is to go toward the roar. Sometimes I feel I am terribly alone in this endeavor, and I sometimes question my sanity. Yet...I know this is what I need to do. I feel my instructions from Spirit are clear.

This has been a good week to reflect on many of these things, and many more I haven't written here yet. Somehow I know I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. My mission has become even clearer as I've progressed through the many messages and spiritual encouragements coming my way. 

I suppose you can say that in late October I stood at the crossroads and was ready to just run off into the field...but now I have chosen my direction, and I'm committed. And the crossroads card taught me something else: Be Relaxed. Be Ready.

I know I have a mission to fulfill

19. Vienna Waits for Me

 #66Challenge

(Journal entry November 25, 2021)

"Vienna" by Billy Joel

I thought about this song the other day while driving and thought it would be good to revisit. 

 I recall the line that always struck me was:

 

You know that when the truth is told

you can get what you want or you can just get old

Here I am -- OLD--and coming face to face with the fact that I may not have fully gotten what I want.

 

In 2005, coming off my first year of teaching, taking grad school courses, an ESOL course, and a four-week National Writing Project Summer Intensive, I was stressed and stretched in a way like no other. So much so, I didn't even realize how stressed I was. For some reason during that time, I kept playing "Vienna," until eventually I ended up in the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. When asked in the emergency room if I had been under stress, I said NO. Since I was finally a teacher and doing the things I had dreamed of doing, I could not even understand that I was under stress because, well, I wanted these things.

 

Slow down, you crazy child

 

I spent a couple days in the hospital, in a windowless room I likened to a cave. There I cried and slept, cried and slept. I had to let my misery in, admit that I had taken on a lot and had not even processed my first year of teaching, which was beyond crazy given the place I worked. It was an intense lesson, but one that stays with me.

 

***

 

The true meaning of "Vienna" had always eluded me a bit, so I was happy to find a video conversation with Billy Joel, made in 2020, where he explained what Vienna meant to him. Among the things on the video (which I will post at the end) he says going to Vienna for him was closing a circle.

Going to Vienna means to slow down, look around you, and have some gratitude for the good things in your life.

There's always talent, there's always virtuosity, there's always genius, and it's there and will occur in humankind, but it will take a place like Vienna to bring it out.

The question to myself:

How do I make my classroom--and my being --about Vienna?

Not about -- but AS VIENNA.

 

A place where we find our best selves.

 

A place where genius can emerge.

 

A light in the darkness. 

 

I can't do anything about the curriculum, but I can make my classroom a place of respite.

 

I can slow myself down and look for genius.

 

The Golden Heart of each learner.

 

A can heed that warning when I feel frustrated, disjointed, angry...warning signs I have lost touch with joy.

 

***

 

It then occurred to me that I have had times of Vienna in my classroom: and that was when I taught creative writing.

 

On Friday the 26th I made a list: 

 

As a Creative Writing Teacher I...

 

--let inspiration drive a lot of what I did

--engaged in conversation about text and how things were presented

--let the kids be right where they were--no pushing

--choice choice choice

--never put anyone on the spot

--I got to chill myself at the beginning of each class when we did 10 minutes of writing called Crash and Burn. It kept me in touch with what was happening inside of me before it got out of control.

--what we did in class was based on their interests

--made time for any silly thing they wanted to do for fun

--let them talk and write together

 

How can that translate into my reading class with a firm curriculum?

 

--sit them back in groups

--engage in more conversations

--meet them where they are each day

--choices whenever possible

--more music

--give them the first step...then the second

--center myself at the beginning of class--how am I REALLY feeling? If I am carrying any grievance or frustration, I know it will end up causing an issue. I've already seen this again and again as I've been trying to change things.

--take the temperature--do they work out the lesson in groups? or do I lead them?

--it doesn't always have to be the same

--focus on PRACTICE

Some of these things I'm doing, and some I'm not doing very well, and some...well...it's time.

Vienna waits for me.

 

 

 

 

 

16. For the Love of Reading

#66Challenge

After Joy Harjo's Where we lived....

Where I kept autonomy in seating, 

I now have seating charts.

 

Where I taught using meaningful approaches,

we now fill in a form.

 

Where we used to treasure creativity,

we now have no time for that.

Where I used to form lessons to engage,

I'm now told how I should do it (even though it doesn't engage.)

Where I used to live for the joy of teaching,

I now know those days are gone.

 

But Spirit stepped in, got my attention.

I now focus on joy in relationships,

and loving that person in front of me.

 

I refuse to give my energy and health away

to a situation I did not create.

I seek to do as little damage as possible,

in a demeaning and deadening system.

And most importantly,

I will forever put books in their hands,

for without a love of reading, 

there is nothing of value.

13. Letting Go

 #66Challenge

 

When I began this challenge, I thought I'd be writing about all the cool things happening in the classroom, as I have in the past. But the idea of that never really jelled, and now here I am...

Yesterday in my Write Around the Corner meeting, our facilitator Dana pulled an Oracle card with the statement

What is already with you?

When she read the commentary, one sentence stood out to me. This is what I wrote, which provoked a 40 minute conversation. All in all, very needed and very healing.

 

(Written October 30, 2021)

 "It is okay to let go of the past" really struck me as something to write about.

One of my main gripes and anxieties right now is I feel like my dream and passion of being a teacher is coming to an end -- or maybe it already did. I wasn't ready for this, nor was I ready to let it go.

I believe I have what I need inside. It's the letting go that feels hard. Being a teacher has been a clear and present and unwavering dream of mine for so long, it's really hard to think that it is over.

The fact of the matter is that it is already over. I can "hope" (not a good plan) things will be different next year. But I know better. If anything, they are more likely to get worse.

I cannot "hope" for change, nor can I "hope" they will give me consistent support. It's not coming.

I have to figure out what is within me right now that will carry me through.

I don't know how to have more energy and I don't know how to make it work.

The world has changed and the kids (for the most part) have changed, but we are far behind. We are outdated in our approach.

Ye Tang Che--I can see the problem.

My life as a certain kind of teacher ended without me knowing it.

That is what I need to acknowledge and say goodbye to. It isn't coming back.

Bottom line-- I don't know the answer to any of this. 

All I know is I don't know. 

When the Dam Breaks (7 Lines, 7 Days #73)

 #108Weeks

October 3-9, 2021

I’ve been in survival mode more than I realized

I keep reminding myself about self-care, but it never feels like enough  

The week started stressful with fire and lockdown drills in my most challenging class

By Tuesday lunch I had a complete meltdown—worst day in over 5 years

Had to work hard to overcome the trauma and forgive forgive forgive

Soon I was back to laughing, having fun, recognizing the good, and coming home with energy 

The support I had at work and home was phenomenal  I am blessed 

5. Challenged and Changed

 #66Challenge

 

These are a few poems representing some of what has been happening since September began. These short poems are written by jumping off a line from a poem I just read. The lines and poets are noted at the beginning of each poem

 

 

9.1.21 

danced up to the moon and stars and galaxies (Angle)

I need to remember to dance.

I'm truly NOT having enough fun with my students.

I'm letting tension seep in.

I'm not taking the right steps again.

Today I will wear my feather earrings and remember to keep it light.

Smile. 

Smile.

Smile.

(behind the mask! ;-)

 

9.2.21

break back into the world (Smith)

Yesterday

I had to be reminded 

to do what works.

Wasn't I the one who

wrote a poem about that?

Even had it published:

You know what to do...

Do what works.

You know what that is. 

 

9.4.21

Time and how are the mysterious

elements of any life

I will find my way home to you (Harjo)

 

Finding my way home

Over and over again

Aware it is never as easy

as it appears on the surface.

 

That's okay.

 

I am challenged.

        I am changed. 

 

1. Gift to Myself: Introducing #66Challenge

 #66Challenge

It feels like a long dry spell since I was motivated to write much beyond short little poems (a daily practice) or 7 lines/7 days poems, which are basically just drawing on things already written.

Frustration has set in. I began to wonder what happened to the writer I had been. I kept thinking I needed a project: the problem was finding one that I could feel committed to.

I have plenty of drafted projects sitting around here I can fix up. Somehow I don't have the energy for that. I tried doing some little structural things, but soon became bored. The writing had no concreteness about it, and just seemed preachy and shallow. In addition, I felt this "thing" that no one cared about what I had to say anyway. Who is listening? I had no answer.

This caused me to put the question out: What kind of writer am I?

***

Today while noodling in my journal, I suddenly remembered something I literally had forgotten all about: the #64Challenge I did during the 2019-20 school year. That was an ever-changing, challenging year, which ended up with fourth quarter pandemic teaching. 

Next week is my 66th birthday, and immediately I knew I need the #66Challenge for this coming school year.

This feels perfect. First, because in 2019 I had all kinds of plans and designs on what the school year should look like, and slowly but surely everything went haywire. By the end of February I was finding myself in a very different place than I was in August.

Coming into this school year I have no such designs. In fact, I'm actively working NOT to plan and design. There is all new curricula coming into our department, and I actually don't even know what I'm teaching. And no matter what I teach, there will be a certain amount of "do it this way."

I've been preparing myself for that all throughout this summer, by putting myself back in the moment every time I meet an obstacle, large or small. I have gathered my strength and risk-taking gene to do things I previously thought would be impossible.  

Speaking to my friend Natalie yesterday she said something that resonated strongly: I made it through the 2020-21 school year. I can do anything.

***

I took time this morning to read the 64 posts for the last challenge. I found lots of nuggets that are good for me to remember going forward into a new school year and challenge:

What I focus on expands.

Abandon hope. Be fearless.

Do what you can do. Bear witness with no need to respond or attach.

Everything I need to know is in the person in front of me.

Be committed. Stay flexible.

I also found a slew of beautiful poems, deep reflections, classroom celebrations and intense frustrations. All documented. All worked out. All forward moving.

And most importantly: All a gift to myself!

***

By moving forward on a new challenge, in a year in which I already know will be full of change, I will have the opportunity to write concretely, do some good reflecting, pay attention, and give myself the gift of this school year always being accessible to me. 

It's an adventure, a pilgrimage, a chance to practice the present moment. 

It's getting me back to the writer I am--one who listens and writes to find out what she has to say. It doesn't matter if anyone else knows or cares!

It's taking all that has come before, folding it into the mix, and creating something new.

James W. Hall says that "we teach to re-create the world." I take this as my most earnest mission in life.

Here is to #66Challenge, and all the creative gifts it will bring to myself and yes, maybe even the world.

Raising the Vision (7 Lines/ 7 Days #60)

 #108weeks

 

July 4-10, 2021

 

I realized walking fuels my writing. Riding the exercise bike does not.

Enjoyed a delicious Cuban lunch at a new place called Cubans Be Like

I made a list of things to do to keep me grounded, since I was feeling pretty anxious. Haven't really had to use it because one yoga session fixed the issue

Every time we recognize a blessing, it increases our capacity to receive a blessing*

Finally read the book Pride and Prejudice and find I'm not terribly impressed

Clarity + Confidence = Vision**

New guiding question: What does it mean to live in harmony?

 

 

 

 

Quotes:* Julia Cameron   **Angela Watson

 

47 Days

Who is watching me?

Who is bearing witness?

What do I see?

What do I pay attention to?

Can I love more?

Can I be gentler?

Here is my challenge.

In 47 days I say goodbye

to this school year.

What legacy will I leave?

What imprint will it leave on me? 

Not Dead Yet (7 Lines/ 7 Days #41)

 #108Weeks

 

February 21-27, 2021

 

My writing group was so fun! "We're not dead yet!"

Sunday actually moved slowly.

I am vaccinated.

I still remember the day I saw a note Joni Mitchell put on her Clouds album that said she thanked her 7th grade teacher who taught her to love words. I think since that moment this has been my secret ambition, but it has been a long time getting there. Well...I'm closer, anyway.

Wednesday was good, good, good!

I read though what Julia Cameron had to say about Morning Pages in her book The Listening Path, and I couldn't have agreed more. I realized in many ways the Morning Pages have kept me going this very strange school year. It is when I'm fresh in the morning, dumping on the page, the answers come. Julia says, Pages nudge us toward action...we are faced squarely with the question: What are you going to do about it?

Different kind of morning today, listening to jazz. Thanks again, Joni.

Joy-Filled Week (7 Lines/ 7 Days #35)

 #108Weeks

 

January 10-16, 2021

 

Our jam sessions are going great. Jim had a huge smile behind his mask 

while playing "Blue Suede Shoes."

Basic ingredients: Doubt, Faith, Determination

Everything feels better somehow: the classroom, the kids, the processes.

I'm sleeping well and getting a lot done at work.

 

My classroom has come alive. Watching the 6th graders collaborate

was pure joy. The online discussion tool really involved the

7th & 8th grader. I'm so happy!

 

I saw this word in my sleep: UNITED

 

I am truly in the pocket of my right livelihood. 

The Ingredients: Year in Review in Photos

Yesterday my dear friend Laurie shared a piece of writing she did from an inspiration she received: to identify peak moments of the past year in photos. In any year, this would be an awesome activity. But for 2020, it presented a lot more challenges.

My initial feeling was that I didn't have many photos from the year, and certainly not ones that represented the themes suggested. It made me feel weird, but I kind of accepted it.

Then today I picked up my morning inspirational read, which is Instructions to the Cook: A Zen Master's Lessons in Living a Life That Matters by Bernie Glassman.  The book uses cooking as a metaphor for how to live a Zen life. I already know that the ingredients I use for living a Zen life are whatever I have in front of me. The job of "the cook" is to use what is available.

Today I read this line:

 The clarity of our vision determines the set of ingredients in front of us.

My mind went immediately to the photos. I thought, hmmm, maybe I didn't look at "my ingredients"with clarity of vision. Maybe there was more there than I initially thought.

Then I recalled some events early in the year that I had not seen in my photo library.  Sure enough -- it was because I had moved them to amazon photos and deleted them off my phone to save storage.

Now I was inspired.

Here is my Year in Review in Photos. I have made one change: instead of "something new I tried," I put in "something I discovered" that was very meaningful. 

Thanks a million, Laurie!

 

HIGHLIGHT OF THE YEAR: In a year where frequenting a restaurant became an act of bravery, it was wonderful to think back to that Saturday in February many of us from the SJA Class of 1973 met at an Amish restaurant in Sarasota. It was a beautiful day, and we had a wonderful meal and reunion. What made this the highlight, though, was that my childhood friend Maureen Kelly McCauley happened to be in Florida at the time and sat across from me. We had a great talk about writing. In less than two months I was able to invite her into a writing group, which has been a godsend for all of us during this turbulent year.

 

MEANINGFUL MOMENT:  On January 12 my husband suffered a small stroke, and spent a couple of days in the hospital. This picture was taken when he was dressed and waiting to get discharged. I took it to send to his son to show him his dad was doing well. This event has changed our view of the future, but I am so glad he is doing well and that it was only mild.

 

SOMETHING DISCOVERED: Early in the summer my brother texted me asking me if I could send him any photos of his wife through the years, as he was putting together a 40th Anniversary gift for her. I was happy to have an excuse to go through all my pictures, and it was a wonderful journey. But by far the best thing that came out of it was discovering three photos of my dad from his youth that I had completely forgotten I had. It even took me a while to realize how they got here! Eventually I recalled that I had gotten these copies made from pictures my sister had, and I had stored them in a picture folder for safe transport from Ohio to Florida. Then I promptly forgot I even had them. I absolutely love this one because he is in the height of happiness, as he always was with his saxophone.

 

FEELING PROUD: When my nephew entered middle school at Cypress Lake, he became involved in playing the trombone, and it became a real passion for him. When they moved away, I was sorry I would no longer be able to attend his band concerts. But, as we know from 2020, livestreams became the new way to participate from afar, and I was absolutely thrilled to watch the holiday band concert from Pickerington North High School on my television in December. The band director made me proud to be a teacher, as he is doing an absolutely incredible job against all odds, and the music brought me to tears more than once. Ricky made me proud, as he always does, through his dedication to music. (And for those who don't know, he is my dad's namesake!)

 

FEELING CONNECTED: After several weeks of barely leaving the house, on April 29th the beaches of Lee County opened again. I got myself right to my closest beach -- Bunche -- and was not ready for the overwhelming feeling I had being able to be there again. Very quickly I felt reconnected to nature and my community and the world and myself! 

 

MAKES ME SMILE: A few years ago, I purchased Nemo and Dory stuffed animals for my classroom. They have become team builders and buddies to my students through the year. When our school closed in March, I was not able to go back in the building until May. When I did, Nemo and Dory were waiting for me, and I realized then how much they meant to my classroom. So it was upsetting when a student accidentally threw Nemo on the roof of the school when they were playing outside as a reward for work well done. To make matters worse, it was a Friday and over the weekend there were torrential rains. Friends rallied me to see if I could get the admin to rescue Nemo -- but somehow he managed to rescue himself!  Two teachers found him sitting on a bench in another part of the building, soaking wet, but still smiling. It was a miracle for sure! I have no idea how he got off the roof and on to the bench, but I'm sure glad he did.

MOMENT SHARED WITH LOVED ONE: Actually, I suppose it was the whole day. Given the situation at the beginning of the year with the stroke, and then the months of hibernating from COVID, Jim and I were finally able to pull ourselves out of the house and have a little adventure on my birthday in August. It isn't every day a person turns 65, and I just couldn't let it go. That, and the fact that school had been pushed back -- otherwise I would have been at school. So we headed out to Sanibel on a blazing hot day, ate lunch at Schnappers Hots, then visited Ding Darling Wildlife Refuge, a place we hadn't been together in over a decade. The day brought so much relief and peace and togetherness. It was the most perfect way to celebrate a special day, which probably would not have happened if it had been a normal year. 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Be of Service in 2021

 Caboose poem from Barbara Kingsolver's "How to Give Thanks for a Broken Leg"

Step out as a brand new verb

moving

writing

listening

drawing

playing

wisening

breathing

reaching

illuminating

discovering

cycling

stretching

teaching

learning

resting

seeing

dreaming

keeping 

being