13. Letting Go

 #66Challenge

 

When I began this challenge, I thought I'd be writing about all the cool things happening in the classroom, as I have in the past. But the idea of that never really jelled, and now here I am...

Yesterday in my Write Around the Corner meeting, our facilitator Dana pulled an Oracle card with the statement

What is already with you?

When she read the commentary, one sentence stood out to me. This is what I wrote, which provoked a 40 minute conversation. All in all, very needed and very healing.

 

(Written October 30, 2021)

 "It is okay to let go of the past" really struck me as something to write about.

One of my main gripes and anxieties right now is I feel like my dream and passion of being a teacher is coming to an end -- or maybe it already did. I wasn't ready for this, nor was I ready to let it go.

I believe I have what I need inside. It's the letting go that feels hard. Being a teacher has been a clear and present and unwavering dream of mine for so long, it's really hard to think that it is over.

The fact of the matter is that it is already over. I can "hope" (not a good plan) things will be different next year. But I know better. If anything, they are more likely to get worse.

I cannot "hope" for change, nor can I "hope" they will give me consistent support. It's not coming.

I have to figure out what is within me right now that will carry me through.

I don't know how to have more energy and I don't know how to make it work.

The world has changed and the kids (for the most part) have changed, but we are far behind. We are outdated in our approach.

Ye Tang Che--I can see the problem.

My life as a certain kind of teacher ended without me knowing it.

That is what I need to acknowledge and say goodbye to. It isn't coming back.

Bottom line-- I don't know the answer to any of this. 

All I know is I don't know.