"The plot and the purpose..."

It is late afternoon on New Year's Eve, and I meant to get this out sooner. It is mostly my journal entry from this morning. I had a wonderful day seeing A Complete Unknown and having lunch with a friend. Then I visited with my neighbor. Life is busy.

I have not shed many tears since Thanksgiving, although I did this morning when I realized I won't have Jim here at midnight to wish Happy New Year and a kiss. But, that's okay. I had a little cry and now I'm fine.

For many months of 2024 I prayed for this year to end more times than I can count. And now we are here, the waning hours. Finally.

What a year it has been.

Yesterday, I listened to my 2024 playlist, the one I started and continued to add on to throughout the year. I started with three songs, and continued to add (and sometimes subtract) as the year went on. The songs tell the story of my year; every up and down is represented.

It helped me know I definitely need a new playlist for 2025. I already know it will start with "Here Comes the Sun." I need a new collection to motivate, inspire, and calm me.

This year my word was EMERGE. For a long time I did not know how it was manifesting. But now I can see I had to emerge out of a life that was unsustainable. I couldn't teach forever. Jim couldn't keep getting ill without it catching up to him.

It was not the way I had imagined the word "emerge" when I chose it. I thought I'd have more agency, more choice. Instead, it felt thrust upon me. Emerge, dammit!

I can't argue with the God that chose this for me. I am grateful for everything good that has come my way because of the repeated challenges. 

A shift is happening now with the new year. My wound is close to healed. The holiday respite is over, and January will demand attention on things I've easily let slide. I have been wondering if I am ready.

The answer is yes.

I just pray 2025 lands gently. I have mighty helpers on my side, no matter what. That will never change.

*

The third song on my playlist was Jimmy Buffett's "Bubbles Up." I wrote about it earlier this year, but it deserves more attention. Apple Music says it is the song I listened to the most this year, and I know it is true. It was my constant go-to because of the message and Jimmy's voice. Neither can be beat.

Bubbles up

They will point you toward home

No matter how deep or how far you roam

They will show you the surface

The plot and the purpose

So when the journey gets long

Just know that you are loved

There is light up above

And the joy is always enough

Bubbles up

Linda Lavin and Jimmy, too

Yesterday was a double whammy for those of us who were adults in the 1970s.  Two American institutions have left the planet. Although they circled in different spheres, somehow they have been ever present in my life for fifty years.

Jimmy Carter was the first president I ever voted for in the Bicentennial year of 1976. His legacy is well-known, so no need to go into it here. Suffice to say I always admired the heck out of him and his wife.

Linda Lavin became popular in a show called Alice based on a movie called Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, one of the first movies that saw women as whole human beings. I remember seeing it at the theater and it was different than anything else I’d ever seen. She had a never-ending career, even as she aged. It says a lot about her as an actor and a person.

When I heard Jimmy had died, well, no surprise. He was 100-years-old and had been in hospice care for over two years.

When I heard Linda died, I wasn’t surprised because I knew she had to be up there in years. (She was 87.) 

But my first thought was that I won’t get to see her in season 2 of the Netflix show No Good Deed. The show itself is a mini-masterpiece, and Linda had a small part as a nosy neighbor. Even though the part isn’t regular, she gave the character strong presence and purpose when she did show up. She held the secrets of the neighborhood. The fact that I thought of this immediately gives testament to two things: the utter brilliance of the show, and the fact that Linda Lavin was the perfect choice to play Phyllis Adelman. 

RIP to two American legends. We are grateful for your contributions to our lives.

Brighter and Lighter

 Journal entry

I saw this meme from Adam Grant and I realize that’s exactly where I am.

 I've worked really hard to stay in the present moment because it was too difficult to envision a bright future knowing Jim was terminally ill. Which reminds me of what I heard earlier this year – – that all love affairs come to a bad end. The couple either breaks up or one of them dies. 

Now that I know Jim is out of pain, I can look to the future in a new way. I will keep working on my healing, make new connections, do some things I have not been able to do.

I’m not a caretaker anymore. Wow – – first time I’ve said those words.

I have a gazillion things ahead of me to do, and it will take a long time.

I still have burdens – – but I know they will lighten.

I take everything Jim gave me and carry it into a brighter future.

2024 has been beyond challenging. Yet, I saw such goodness and generosity and care coming our way every day. We were given exactly what we needed in each moment, even those weeks we were separated. The world is full of amazing human beings, who are capable of caring, listening, reaching out, going the extra mile for us. It’s really astounding to look back and realize all those wonderful people who helped us. I’m talking about nurses and hospital staff and chaplains and social workers and hospice. 

I enter this phase with new vision and understanding. I carry with me the inspiration of all those people who helped us. I want to be one of those people for others.

I will find my place. And it will be exactly where I need to be.

Purpose

 

For many years now, my purpose has been teaching.

Early this year, I had another purpose… To take care of Jim.

This morning I came to the realization that my purpose in life is changing.

Has already changed.

At this point in my healing process, I cannot take care of Jim.

I have to leave that to other people.

I’ve known for a while that my teaching purpose has ended.

I really do not know where I will land.

Right now, my only purpose is to heal myself.

I pray daily for no complications.

It’s so hard facing this on my own.

I heard this line in a song today right when I was thinking about the word purpose:

Every purpose has its time

Time is shifting. My purpose is shifting.

And I have to believe it will serve me well.