Hospital Day 10

 I am going crazy here without my journal.  I had considered having my neighbor bring it in, but didn’t feel like there was anywhere good to keep it. I had her bring me pads of papers and pens, but have yet to try them. Since she did bring my iPad, I thought I’d come straight here.

The point here is not to rehash everything. All of this is beyond my mind to even comprehend. I am forced into the moment because these previous days have been tough, and the future is terrifying in so many ways, I dare not go there.

Jim and I feel like we are hanging on by a string together. I told him last night I just know we will have a chance to hold each others’ hands again. Could God have brought us all this way together just to drop us in a lonely sea? I think not.

A chaplain who saw Jim came to see me. He didn’t have much to say, but he did recite my favorite quote:

All will be well

And all will be well

In all manner of things will be well

I colored these bright flowers today. Sunflowers have been a guiding light to me for many years. They remind me that joy is always at hand. That when we are together we are more powerful. That we can stand tall and strong. And turning our face to the sun, our beautiful source, is a necessary spiritual ritual every day.

Believe

 Finalizing cleaning up my desk yesterday, I found this little card:

I had several of these I gave to students, but somehow this one never made its way to anyone. These cards pop open with a message. Staring at it there on my desk, I decided I’d open to see what it had to tell me. After all, there must be a reason this was still sitting there, right.

I knew right away I needed this message. And sure enough, at 11:00 I went to a meeting about what life will be like getting ready to move into portables and how the campus will be set up and how I’ll have someone in my room teaching during my planning and other depressing news. I came home sad, frustrated, and wondering why I just didn’t plan on retiring this year. 

As usual, my overdrive brain wanted to fix the situation into a frame I could digest. But it was too soon, and I just felt exhausted by the effort.

The best decision right now is no decision. I will relax and spend time with Jim and pray for direction. 

Oh yes…and BELIEVE in this message. The focus always has to be listening for direction. I will know what to do and when to do it. 

Approval

 

Approval — the belief that someone or something is good and acceptable.

This past Tuesday, we saw Jim’s oncologist. He told us Jim’s cancer is stable —  no changes either way. Then he told us the insurance company denied any more treatments. He had appealed, saying this was an acceptable outcome.

United Health Care had already called and left a message say there had been an approval, so this took us by surprise. When we got home, we re-listened to the message. They said they were mailing a letter, and the approval was good through July 28.

I found myself in a slight panic mode. That would only be four more treatments. Are we going to have to keep going through this? It really bothered me. Jim reminded me not to worry about things that haven’t happened yet, but it kept floating around me. What if…

Meanwhile, the letter didn’t come. And didn’t come. I was checking every day. Finally it arrived.  

Turns out they had made an error by not approving, and the approval is good for a year.

Phew.

I originally was not going to tell this story, but I read this from Parker Palmer today:

…a life grounded in the reality of our own nature and our right relationship to the world allows us to stumble and fall, get back up, brush ourselves off, and take the next steps without doing ourselves harm.

My inner worries were doing me harm, and I knew it. But the reality is, I had awareness of it, and that is what is important. I knew it was there, but I kept grounding myself back to “do not worry, all will be well.”

I cannot wait for someone else’s approval to do right by myself. I stumbled into worry, but I didn’t fall. This is another necessary step for me. Stay aware. Stay one with what is. Believe is best outcomes.

River of Tears

 I read these words from Nikita Gill today:

Ghosts of the person you used to be

are so proud of who you are

they live on inside you applauding you

for living on despite your scars

And then I cried a river of tears.

It’s my process.

All the years and all the challenges have brought me to the greatest one yet. It has happened before…I find myself on an entirely different road than I planned on walking and, unlike Robert Frost, there is no choice of direction. It has been chosen for me, and all I can do is draw on every inner resource I’ve ever discovered before, the ways I have found to rise above present circumstances and hold on to what matters: Love. Gentleness . Leaning on others. A light from inside and the one shining above.

And I know when I come out on the other side of this, I will not be the person I used to be.

This song by Jimmy Buffett was already my chosen song for the year. Music can heal and remind us of  what we need to know. There probably hasn’t been a better one than “Bubbles Up.”

Bubbles up
They will point you towards home
No matter how deep or how far you roam
They will show you the surface, the plot and the purpose
So, when the journey gets long
Just know that you are loved
There is light up above
And the joy is always enough
Bubbles up

The Impossible

 what is impossible

happens everyday

—Nikita Gill—

I think of my learners

who seem so impossible

at times

and I have a new thought

because I know it’s true

because people can change

and I will believe

and hold that space. 

(Written 12/16/23)

Post-Ian 9.30.22 "Holding the Center"

Our street morning after Ian

 

 Inspired by these words from "At the Teahouse, 6 a.m." by Holly J. Hughes

How long will he hurl himself

against the dusty glass? How long

will we believe we are not free?

 

I'm feeling free today.

I only have to be in the moment.

Let what comes, come.

I'm holding the center

Feeling the power of

wisdom in adversity.

Believing in the best 

yet to come.

We know it is there.

Free to believe it is so!

 

11:22 a.m.

9.30.22

Quotes That Keep Me Going (7 Lines/7 Days #86)

#108Weeks

January 3-8, 2022

From Kara Vereen

Will you lose your balance?

Will you stumble and fall?

Don't give up

You have a reason to carry on

Lucinda Williams

 

 

Literacy is power.

Kylene Beers

 

 

One energy connects us all,

linking us soul to soul and heart to heart

Julia Cameron

 

 

All I've got to do is to love you

All I have to be is be happy

All it's got to take is some warmth to make it

Blow away, blow away, blow away

George Harrison 

 

 

I am alert to the good in every moment.

Julia Cameron

 

 

You can't just love your country when you win.

Joe Biden 

Beneath the turbulence of daily living, there is a longer, slower pulse of perfect timing

It is to that rhythm I give my soul.

Julia Cameron

 

Love & Faith & Joy (7 Lines/7 Days #84)

 #108Weeks

December 19-25, 2021

I've been revising my reading goals for 2022, and liking the direction.

I came face-to-face with the fact that I need a major mental adjustment.

Atomic Habits by James Clear is helping me make small changes to get my physical strength back in a manageable way.

On Solstice Day I wrote this: I commit more fully to the life I know I can live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy.  I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all -- every ugly and beautiful moment, encounter, and feeling -- as TEACHER.

I must continue to look at each moment with love and faith and joy. I'm calling it WILD JOY.

Progress, not perfection.

Have faith and be the change!

15. Spirit Walking

 

#66Challenge

Written 11/3/2021 after reading these lines in Joy Harjo's poem "Spirit Walking in the Tundra"

This is what it feels like...

when you spirit walk

there is a shaking, and then you

are in mystery.

I've been through a kind of shaking

and now I am in mystery.

My spirit walk through this thing

called my teaching life continues

to morph and change.

I am aware that being away can

skew the reality -- well aware.

 

Yet...

some things point the way

toward a peace with the facts.

I mean, what is the point of fighting?

 

I must remain spiritually healthy

to do my work. That was

what I was missing. It was what

led to this breakdown of my

immune system.

 

Yet...

I can rise.

 

I had a revelation. My learners

need to be supervised by adults

and

loved by adults.

One cannot supersede the other. 

There is a huge gap to fill, a place

that fell away back when

they were in elementary.

It's different for each one, so it

leaves us to not even know

how to begin to repair.

What I do know is love and

kindness are never wasted.

 

And all things work together

for good

and it serves me.

 

 

9. Beliefs and Necessities for the Intensive Reading Classroom

 #66Challenge

 

 

1. Readers must have choice in the books they read.

2. Readers must be given time to read.

3. Readers must believe in their ability to learn and be motivated by that.

4. Readers need to relieve stress--reading helps.

5. Readers need to build stamina.

6. Readers need consistent interaction with the structure of language.

7. Readers need fun activities to go along with learning --games, art, etc.

8. Readers need autonomy in completing lessons.

9. Readers need attention when they are unable to complete on their own.

10. Readers need to construct knowledge.

11. Readers need teachers who read.

12. Readers need to talk about reading.

13. Readers need teachers who can be present and at their best, without interference.

14. Readers need to reflect on their progress.

15. Readers need to feel authentically successful in their own right.

8. The Heart is a Gateway

 

 #66Challenge

I wrote this on Sunday, October 17 after reading an ancient poem by Sun Bu-er, which I read every day, but on this day I felt like I received messages as I read. By the end of the week, I would have a better understanding of why.

The bold print is Sun's poem. The italicized is mine.

 

 

Cut brambles long enough

I'm getting to the core of things

    looking for the new growth

    cutting away that which 

    does not nourish

Sprout after sprout

Each learner a reader in their own right

How do I assist this growth?

And the lotus will bloom

All good things take time and nurturing

Of its own accord:

Whose day is it for a breakthrough?

Could be me

Already waiting in the clearing

It is happening, it has happened

I must bear witness

The single image of light

Be present. Notice. Celebrate.

The day you see this

That will be the day you become it

Everything is becoming

if the environment is set

Get out of the way

Give room for growth

Be true to the reader you are

Be true to the cause of books

Have faith in your vision

Bring awareness

Bites of learning and

times of building stamina

Keep the light shining

on the power of language

 

Making Things Beautiful (7 Lines/7 Days #67)

 #108Weeks

August 22-28, 2021

 

Ted Lasso, my inspiration for all things positive

Observe the obvious.

I will use the ingredients I have to make things beautiful.

Books are window, mirrors, and sliding glass doors.

To improve things, I ask WWTLD? (What would Ted Lasso do?)

Serving the whole I feel myself to be a cherished part.

I started randomly choosing students for "Appreciations" a the beginning of class, complete with a handwritten note from me. Connections!

This year is about effort, focus, and perseverance.

 

 

 

 

 

4. My Heart Knows Its True Name

 #66Challenge

Today in my journal I wrote a long letter to myself.

It seemed like a perfect entry to include as part of my #66Challenge

 

Dear Helen,

It's dawning on you more and more that this school year is about love and safety and kindness. But you can see we can't get there directly. It has to be done from several directions.

One is the overall focus school-wide, which is community. Good start. 

Second, the classroom FLOW which includes how we listen, speak, and conduct ourselves. This has been the current focus and it will probably go on for a while. 

Next up -- empathy and power through reading. Getting a book in the hand of every student. One they want to read, above or below their "level."

Essentially, Helen, you've been given a gift -- these kids you've taught before, those who have been affected by the pandemic for the entire time you've known them, need you more than ever. You have a chance to make an impression on them in roundabout ways. The Read 180 program is what we DO. The WHY of what we do will need to be addressed, and not just once, but over and over again.

You joked about coming into the school year a hot mess and finding a beautiful direction. But look -- it's working. Over the summer you would have never gone this direction, taken this path.

This is the crux of it all:

BEING PRESENT.

Thursday was a turning point -- when you broke through the reliance on the program. It isn't the curriculum.

Kindness is the curriculum. And caring. And believing.

You're being reminded of your first year at Lehigh, how it was a few weeks in when you got the grip of what to do with those seniors to provide what they needed. That year, too, you didn't come in with preconceived notions because you truly did not know how you were going to reach and teach them.

But you sat down Labor Day weekend and made a plan to help them comprehend text and by October some were passing the FCAT on the fourth try, leading to the promise of graduation. And more followed.

You put their interests first. You made it accessible. You took the difficulties of studying British Literature and lightened it up. Made it about being a hero of your own story. Doing right. Not shying away from poetry.

And you believed in them, and they knew it.

This is still the message we need over and over and over again.

They were far from easy.

The kids in front me you now...far from easy.

See the rainbow path.

It is always there for you.

It is real.

It is accessible.

Do not resist.

BELIEVE.

Signed...Your True Heart