Approval

 

Approval — the belief that someone or something is good and acceptable.

This past Tuesday, we saw Jim’s oncologist. He told us Jim’s cancer is stable —  no changes either way. Then he told us the insurance company denied any more treatments. He had appealed, saying this was an acceptable outcome.

United Health Care had already called and left a message say there had been an approval, so this took us by surprise. When we got home, we re-listened to the message. They said they were mailing a letter, and the approval was good through July 28.

I found myself in a slight panic mode. That would only be four more treatments. Are we going to have to keep going through this? It really bothered me. Jim reminded me not to worry about things that haven’t happened yet, but it kept floating around me. What if…

Meanwhile, the letter didn’t come. And didn’t come. I was checking every day. Finally it arrived.  

Turns out they had made an error by not approving, and the approval is good for a year.

Phew.

I originally was not going to tell this story, but I read this from Parker Palmer today:

…a life grounded in the reality of our own nature and our right relationship to the world allows us to stumble and fall, get back up, brush ourselves off, and take the next steps without doing ourselves harm.

My inner worries were doing me harm, and I knew it. But the reality is, I had awareness of it, and that is what is important. I knew it was there, but I kept grounding myself back to “do not worry, all will be well.”

I cannot wait for someone else’s approval to do right by myself. I stumbled into worry, but I didn’t fall. This is another necessary step for me. Stay aware. Stay one with what is. Believe is best outcomes.