Now that school is ending, I find myself drifting into fearful thoughts. I know it, yet it keeps happening.
I fear the loss of my husband.
I fear the loss of my career.
I fear a future uncertain -- even as early as August.
Just saying this makes my chest tighten up.
Today I read in Parker Palmer's book his essay called "Begin Again." Within his reflection on "beginner's mind," he included a poem written by Wendell Berry for another poet named Hayden Carruth. This part near the end really hit me:
I greet you at the beginning, for we are
either beginning or we are dead. And let us have
no careers, lest one day we be found dead in them.
I greet you at the beginning that you have made
authentically in your art, again and again.
BEGIN AGAIN to live ARTFULLY.
I have to stop thinking about THE END. That is where my fear lies.
In my best days, I'm aware there is a life ahead of me I cannot even imagine.
I have to keep reminding myself, because I get caught up short. Like the other day driving home from work. I had heard wonderful stories of people 20-30 years younger than I am making career moves and changes. It caused feelings of sadness for myself that those kinds of days are over for me.
But again -- in my best days I know there can always be a surprise waiting, something I cannot see now from where I stand.
I have to believe.
And my chest loosens up at these words.
***
I don't keep a good walking schedule, so today I decided to begin again. I took a walk around the neighborhood on a relatively cool morning. I went with the intention of looking for signs of new beginnings. Nowhere was it more prominent than in the palm trees. Everywhere I looked, the trees had new shoots rising from the top, a sure sign that life goes on for the tree. New beginnings. New attitudes. Growth, possibility, and life.
Nature never fails to support us, does it?
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