20. Be Relaxed. Be Ready.

 #66Challenge

 

Yesterday I decided it was time to walk a labyrinth, as I had some things on my mind that I thought a good meditative walk would resolve. 

Before I went, I pulled out my Labyrinth Journal, which I've been writing in after just about every labyrinth walk since December 2006. In it I found my last labyrinth walk on February 15, 2020.

The photo of the card below is from a deck I have called Perfect Calm cards. On the back of the card is a little piece of writing about Taking Responsibility. 

In a reflection I wrote, I said I felt the card was telling me to relax and keep calm even when things seem to be falling apart. This was just a few weeks after my husband had a mild stroke, and a few weeks before the world would be in a full-blown global pandemic. At the time I walked the labyrinth, Coronavirus was just a blip on my radar, so I know I wasn't writing about it.

I also wrote these words about the card:

The crossroads card brought to mind that I very well could be coming to a transition...Anything can change at any time. The message from the labyrinth is Be Relaxed. Be Ready.

 

Fast forward to the day I reflected on "Vienna," which I wrote about in the previous post. I know cultural anthropologist and mythologist Michael Meade talks a lot about genius, so I went to find a video about that, since Billy Joel had mentioned it. I came upon a video called "Run Toward the Roar," and I know I've heard the story before, and thought I'd check it out once more.

This is an ancient story about how the elders in Africa would teach the young warriors to hunt. They taught them that the old lions, the ones that were no longer able to run fast, would sit in the tall grasses. The younger lions would be across the way, in another area of grass. When the herds made their way toward the lions, the old lions would roar loudly -- causing the herd to run to where the more vital and able lions were waiting. They taught their young warriors to "Go toward the roar."

Fast forward to now. It is no secret the education system is in a huge crisis, and even I have been a victim of the dysfunction, a teacher looking to perhaps retire or to at least run away as fast as I can. It took a complete mental and physical breakdown (with time away) to find my direction.

Michael Meade says right now the culture as a whole is going through a collective rite of passage. I believe this applies directly to teachers, as well as many other issues we are facing. Here is the way he describes it:

A group of people begin to realize that the world as we imagine it, the worldview that we inherited, does not work anymore. It doesn't solve most people's problems, and in this case, it destroys the ecosystems and things like that, so it's a worldview that cannot, in the long run, be life-sustaining. And there's an old idea that humans come into the world when the life-support system of the womb collapses...Now we consider the way we view the world, the womb that we used to be in, the one we call the modern world or the western world, no longer works as a sustaining system for either culture or for nature. We need to exit from the womb and go towards what seems to be the roar, but it also is the direction where we might be able to imagine the next world that is more sustainable and inclusive....We are like the young people told by the elders to run to the roar.

What he is speaking of 100% applies to education. The "womb" has been deteriorating for a long time, and we did little to adjust. Now we are in a major crisis that HAS to be re-imagined by the collective. The things we are doing DO NOT WORK. Teachers are on the front line and are suffering from the lack of life-support. This is devastating for our entire culture.

The issue is that educators are bailing because it has gotten completely unsustainable for so many (and I know...I was there, and who knows, could end up there again.) The sad part is there is a lot of blame and talking about the problems, but not a lot of people talking about any real solutions. At least not that I've heard, and I've been paying attention!

So, back to February 15, 2020. Yes, I sensed there were changes, but not at all as we were confronted with. I recall the many difficulties and dark days during that spring, the separation from each other, and all the other devastating affects. We said then we'd have to do something different, that this was a signal to transition and re-vision education. Instead, we just have more of the same, this constant drumbeat to "return to normal," but now with a whole additional cache of unskilled behaviors, unbelievable stresses, and mental health issues among our young learners.

Guided by the many teachings that are coming my way, I know that my job is to go toward the roar. Sometimes I feel I am terribly alone in this endeavor, and I sometimes question my sanity. Yet...I know this is what I need to do. I feel my instructions from Spirit are clear.

This has been a good week to reflect on many of these things, and many more I haven't written here yet. Somehow I know I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. My mission has become even clearer as I've progressed through the many messages and spiritual encouragements coming my way. 

I suppose you can say that in late October I stood at the crossroads and was ready to just run off into the field...but now I have chosen my direction, and I'm committed. And the crossroads card taught me something else: Be Relaxed. Be Ready.

I know I have a mission to fulfill

19. Vienna Waits for Me

 #66Challenge

(Journal entry November 25, 2021)

"Vienna" by Billy Joel

I thought about this song the other day while driving and thought it would be good to revisit. 

 I recall the line that always struck me was:

 

You know that when the truth is told

you can get what you want or you can just get old

Here I am -- OLD--and coming face to face with the fact that I may not have fully gotten what I want.

 

In 2005, coming off my first year of teaching, taking grad school courses, an ESOL course, and a four-week National Writing Project Summer Intensive, I was stressed and stretched in a way like no other. So much so, I didn't even realize how stressed I was. For some reason during that time, I kept playing "Vienna," until eventually I ended up in the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. When asked in the emergency room if I had been under stress, I said NO. Since I was finally a teacher and doing the things I had dreamed of doing, I could not even understand that I was under stress because, well, I wanted these things.

 

Slow down, you crazy child

 

I spent a couple days in the hospital, in a windowless room I likened to a cave. There I cried and slept, cried and slept. I had to let my misery in, admit that I had taken on a lot and had not even processed my first year of teaching, which was beyond crazy given the place I worked. It was an intense lesson, but one that stays with me.

 

***

 

The true meaning of "Vienna" had always eluded me a bit, so I was happy to find a video conversation with Billy Joel, made in 2020, where he explained what Vienna meant to him. Among the things on the video (which I will post at the end) he says going to Vienna for him was closing a circle.

Going to Vienna means to slow down, look around you, and have some gratitude for the good things in your life.

There's always talent, there's always virtuosity, there's always genius, and it's there and will occur in humankind, but it will take a place like Vienna to bring it out.

The question to myself:

How do I make my classroom--and my being --about Vienna?

Not about -- but AS VIENNA.

 

A place where we find our best selves.

 

A place where genius can emerge.

 

A light in the darkness. 

 

I can't do anything about the curriculum, but I can make my classroom a place of respite.

 

I can slow myself down and look for genius.

 

The Golden Heart of each learner.

 

A can heed that warning when I feel frustrated, disjointed, angry...warning signs I have lost touch with joy.

 

***

 

It then occurred to me that I have had times of Vienna in my classroom: and that was when I taught creative writing.

 

On Friday the 26th I made a list: 

 

As a Creative Writing Teacher I...

 

--let inspiration drive a lot of what I did

--engaged in conversation about text and how things were presented

--let the kids be right where they were--no pushing

--choice choice choice

--never put anyone on the spot

--I got to chill myself at the beginning of each class when we did 10 minutes of writing called Crash and Burn. It kept me in touch with what was happening inside of me before it got out of control.

--what we did in class was based on their interests

--made time for any silly thing they wanted to do for fun

--let them talk and write together

 

How can that translate into my reading class with a firm curriculum?

 

--sit them back in groups

--engage in more conversations

--meet them where they are each day

--choices whenever possible

--more music

--give them the first step...then the second

--center myself at the beginning of class--how am I REALLY feeling? If I am carrying any grievance or frustration, I know it will end up causing an issue. I've already seen this again and again as I've been trying to change things.

--take the temperature--do they work out the lesson in groups? or do I lead them?

--it doesn't always have to be the same

--focus on PRACTICE

Some of these things I'm doing, and some I'm not doing very well, and some...well...it's time.

Vienna waits for me.

 

 

 

 

 

18. Who Benefits?

 #66Challenge

 

(November 21, 2021)

 

As I work through life after my breakdown a few weeks ago, more and more things are coming my way that are confirming my direction. Some are things I've studied in the past, and some are new to me. All are inspiring me and giving me motivation.

With a week off school I was looking forward to just resting my mind. But with so much information coming my way, I've been processing, processing, processing. After several day so of this, I felt it was time to get it down in some kind of form as a way to track this journey which, after all, the #66Challenge is about.

Following will be a series of things that happened for me this week, this being the first entry.

On the first Sunday of my break, I returned to Alfie Kohn's book Beyond Discipline. It really hit home, mostly because I had a very difficult day on Friday, and I was still reeling from my part in it.

One of the things I've struggled with the most is that since the beginning of school I was using our discipline program with fidelity, but weeks later, absolutely nothing had changed. All it had done was cause a lot of grief, misery, and frustration -- both for me and my learners.

Kohn makes it clear that curriculum is intertwined with discipline. This from page 21:

How students act in class is so intertwined with curricular content that be may be folly even to talk about classroom management or discipline as a field unto itself. That is a subversive sentence: taken seriously, it has the potential to subvert the entire field.

He urges us to use two words when deciding anything: Who benefits? Be it the curriculum or some kind of action taken on a student because of misbehavior, who benefits from what is decided?

I had seen for myself that the discipline system isn't benefiting anyone, least of all me.  The time it takes to write and follow up these things, well, there are certainly better uses of my time.

Kohn points out that it is a false dichotomy of either punish or "let them get away with it." He says we will never move away from punitive tactics unless we dismiss the idea that it is either/or. 

As I read it I realized that I had naturally given up on the system in place, largely because I was trying to listen and BE with my learners more, to see thing through their eyes. The boring curriculum we are straddled with is one of the things I'm seeing and, sadly, there is little I can do about some of it. If Kohn is correct that curriculum and behavior are intertwined, then I am battling against a bigger problem than just whether I use PBIS or not.

At least that is my initial reaction. As the week wore on, I opened my mind to some new ideas. Just trying to think about a "replacement" for discipline, or how to make my lessons more enticing is only one small part. There is so much more, which I am slowly discovering.

Eyes

Let's not shame our eyes for seeing.

Instead, thank them for their bravery.

~~Joy Harjo~~

I have been brave in looking 

closely at my failings.

I have been brave in knowing

I need to change and I don't

care who knows it.

My eyes...my heart...my voice.

So much healing needed.

I have forgiven myself.

I now can only move forward.

My system was borrowed and flawed

and failed me deeply.

Now...I build the one right

for me.

The Path is Made Clear (7 Lines/7 Days #80)

 #108Weeks

November 21-27, 2021

This is the week I have finally come back to studying the text of A Course in Miracles, something I first studied 30 years ago. It is about time I got the message going in my life. I am grateful.

All the quotes (italics) are from the book.

 Each day should be devoted to miracles.

The choice to judge rather than to know is the cause of loss of peace.

You are not at peace because you're not fulfilling your function.

All things work together for good.

I can slow myself down and look for the genius.

I need to bring the creative writing teacher in me to the reading classroom. That is my truest self.

I walked the labyrinth asking how to love God with my whole heart, soul, and mind.

School of Love (7 Lines/7 Days #79)

 #108Weeks

November 14-20, 2021

 

 

A three hour lunch with a friend brought energy and renewed determination.

 

The world is nothing but a school of love.

 

My angel spirit has been direct--listen for guidance. Following those instructions diligently.

 

Remembering to roll with the waves of the ocean.

 

Begged my AP again for help with 9th period, and I finally got it. 

The paraprofessional arrived and received the full-blown experience since all students were present, 

complete with a spilled bottle of glitter. 

(I hate pep rally days.)

 

5th period surprised me when they chose Bill Withers' song "Just the Two of Us" as their team song.

 

Strong Back

Soft Front

Wild Heart

(Thank you Brene Brown)

17. The Heart is a Rainbow

 #66Challenge

 A few weeks ago I was inspired to write based on an ancient poem by Sun Bu-er. That post was #8 The Heart is a Gateway.

I read this poem every day, and have for years, so imagine my delight when I finally start understanding how to apply it to my life. It happened again today.

As last time, the bold parts are the poem, the italicized parts are mine.

Cut brambles long enough

sprout after sprout

Look deeply into the brokenness of the system.

Do not be afraid.

In the cracks the light will shine.

And the lotus will bloom

of its own accord

It suddenly seems obvious.

The recognition comes with a sureness of purpose

and a storehouse of courage.

 

Already waiting in the clearing

the single image of light

 

Where before the path was dark and rocky,

there is now this rainbow of color leading me forward.

 

The day you see this

that day you will become it

 

I am leading with my heart.

My heart is the rainbow.

Be the Joy (7 Lines/ 7 Days #78)

 #108Weeks

November 7-13, 2021

 

 

There is a way, and it's called Surrender to God.

I spent most of the week with little energy.

This quote from a young adult novel* I was reading stopped me in my tracks: What if the whole world is actually powered by secret rage?

My spiritual landscape has been made anew.

I have faith I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I read an essay** by an elementary educator in Alaska and she came to the same conclusion I have come to: We must be the joy we want to see in the world. No one is coming to save us.

Saturday I woke with a return of my energy. I am grateful.

 

 

* Of a Feather by Dayna Lorentz 

**Anyone who knows or cares about teachers should read this blog post: https://jenabenton.com/2021/10/21/its-time-to-talk-about-whats-going-on-in-school/

16. For the Love of Reading

#66Challenge

After Joy Harjo's Where we lived....

Where I kept autonomy in seating, 

I now have seating charts.

 

Where I taught using meaningful approaches,

we now fill in a form.

 

Where we used to treasure creativity,

we now have no time for that.

Where I used to form lessons to engage,

I'm now told how I should do it (even though it doesn't engage.)

Where I used to live for the joy of teaching,

I now know those days are gone.

 

But Spirit stepped in, got my attention.

I now focus on joy in relationships,

and loving that person in front of me.

 

I refuse to give my energy and health away

to a situation I did not create.

I seek to do as little damage as possible,

in a demeaning and deadening system.

And most importantly,

I will forever put books in their hands,

for without a love of reading, 

there is nothing of value.

Casting My Faith (7 Lines/7 Days #77)

 #108Weeks

 October 31-November 6, 2021

 

 The only thing I know is that I don't know

Obstacles will come like waves -- keep coming and coming -- you must learn to surf with unshakeable peace

The most beautiful form of courage is to be happy (Jeanne Lohmann)

Don't quit before the miracle

Beauty is the target -- spread joy or be destroyed

All my young readers are created in God's image, too. Little Godlings

I cast my faith forward as a light on my path

15. Spirit Walking

 

#66Challenge

Written 11/3/2021 after reading these lines in Joy Harjo's poem "Spirit Walking in the Tundra"

This is what it feels like...

when you spirit walk

there is a shaking, and then you

are in mystery.

I've been through a kind of shaking

and now I am in mystery.

My spirit walk through this thing

called my teaching life continues

to morph and change.

I am aware that being away can

skew the reality -- well aware.

 

Yet...

some things point the way

toward a peace with the facts.

I mean, what is the point of fighting?

 

I must remain spiritually healthy

to do my work. That was

what I was missing. It was what

led to this breakdown of my

immune system.

 

Yet...

I can rise.

 

I had a revelation. My learners

need to be supervised by adults

and

loved by adults.

One cannot supersede the other. 

There is a huge gap to fill, a place

that fell away back when

they were in elementary.

It's different for each one, so it

leaves us to not even know

how to begin to repair.

What I do know is love and

kindness are never wasted.

 

And all things work together

for good

and it serves me.

 

 

14. Faith

 #66Challenge

I took two days off work and after much meditation, contemplation, journaling, questioning, and reading Lynn Ungur’s poem “Hawks,” I came to this place. My heart is calm. My mind is at peace.

Today I breathe easier

as I take a rest

in the quiet here

sun out, busy world outside.

I gave myself the gift of this time

so deeply needed

to heal my tortured soul, to see more clearly

to find FAITH I’m in the right place always.

If I’m here, this is where God wants me.

Today I realize it’s okay!

Today is a gift of grace to myself.

To be fiercely present.

To feel the winds of change.