Tangled (acrostic)

 

The many hoses and wires

Are attached and often tangle

Not unlike life right now. A

Gazillion things to figure out, to

Leaf through and make decisions, and

Every time I do, things tangle again.

Doing my best to keep it all straight!

Sunday Gratitudes

 

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me remain calm.

Thank you for great healthcare professionals who did their job and moved on Jim’s symptoms.

Thank you for my husband of all these years. I’ve been blessed.

Thank you for this sunny morning. And the coffee. And refrigerator full of food to keep me healthy.

Thank you for deep sleep. I needed it.

Thank you for some return of my energy. I’m beginning to notice it.

Thank you for another day to see my husband and hold his hand.

Higher Ground

 My energy level was low

I guess it was the hurricane blowing through

And I found myself in a lull

A bit of sadness and the feeling

That the future is full of obstacles.

I had to drive to Walgreens

And as I turned onto Summerlin Road

I heard Steve singing “Higher Ground”

And I thought

Why am I mixed in this difficulty

Instead of reaching for joyful healing

And learning on this journey?

It’s like the music was someone

Gently shaking my shoulders saying, 

“ Snap out of it!”

“Some miles to go..”

There is nothing I would like better than to say that healing is coming along quite well and I’m going to be up and at ‘em and no time at all.

But nothing can be farther from the truth.

What happened with me was very serious. The open wound I have now saps a lot of my energy. I know everyone wants me to be stronger and more capable of doing things than I currently am. I can sense it in the way they ask questions. I’m not upset with anybody because I think I’d be thinking the same thing. I’d wanna know that my friend or family member was OK. 

And I am OK. But there is still a very long way to go.

There is a song that really speaks to how I feel. Mavis Staples sings it, and I posting it here and I hope you will listen. It will give you insight into how I feel. It reveals my current truth. I have also posted the lyrics below.

There's a sorrow in the wind
Blowing down the road I've been
I can hear it cry when shadows steal the sun
But I cannot look back now
I've come too far to turn around
And there's still a race ahead that I must run

I'm only halfway home
I've gotta journey on
To where I'll find, I'll find the things that I have lost
I've come a long, long road
But still have got some miles to go
I've got a wide, wide river to cross

I have stumbled, I have strayed
You can trace the tracks I made
All across the memories my heart recalls
But I'm still a refugee
won't you say a prayer for me?
'Cause sometimes even the strongest soldier falls

I'm only halfway home
I've gotta journey on
To where I'll find, find the things that I have lost
I've come a long, long road
but still I've got some miles to go
I've got a wide, wide river to cross

I'm only halfway home
I've gotta journey on
To where I'll find, find the things that I have lost
I've come a long, long road
but still I've got some miles to go
I've got a wide, wide river to cross
I've got a wide, wide river to cross
I've got a wide, wide river to cross

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Julie Miller / Steven P. Miller

Wide River to Cross lyrics © Julie's Freakin' Out Music, Songs Of Nwimp, New West Independent Music Publishing, My Blind Driver Music

Surprise!

 

Jim at 81…Cantina Laredo

Today is a day I was lamenting that I would not be able to see Jim on his 82nd birthday because of a hurricane going by in the Gulf of Mexico. But as I sat here this morning, the sun was filling my condo, and I began to wonder if I could go see him. Surprise him.

I checked the clouds out to the west and I saw there wasn’t much dark activity going on, and I checked my weather app and it appeared that I had a window of time. So I tossed on some clothes and I headed on down and surprised him. He was absolutely not expecting to see me, and I wasn’t expecting to see him, which made the visit so beautiful. I don’t even think I stayed an hour because the wind was starting to whip up a lot, and it appears we’re going to have rain here shortly.

But what a gift. What a gift to me. What a gift to him. And for this particular birthday, and this particular time in our lives, this was absolutely everything.

My heart is truly lifted.

What Do We Know?

This is a post that I planned to write several months ago, before my whole world crashed down around me a gazillion times.

Today a storm is nearby and I am trying desperately not to turn into a major slug, so I decided to get myself going on something.  This blog post came to mind.

This all began when I pulled out my Elton John Goodbye Yellow Brick Road vinyl record and in the sleeve I discovered this:

It is dated October 18, 1973, and is from my friend Chuck.

I dated Chuck for a couple of months during my sophomore year in high school. He was already out of school at that time, but was friends with a guy we knew who was still a senior in high school. A while after we dated, he began to date my friend Laura, and it seems they have maintained a friendship to this day. 

The letter itself was a little upsetting to me. The first thing Chuck mentions is that it was the one year anniversary of his being drafted. He still had another year to go. I guess I had written to him about something that he had done; apparently he came over with some friends and they were high and I guess that bothered me and I got all judgy about it.

Reading what he had to say and understanding that I knew absolutely nothing about what he was going through made me see how we never know how anyone else is really feeling. This guy had a job and an apartment he had to give up because he was drafted for two years and became a cook at Fort Campbell, Kentucky. Of course, we were glad he wasn’t sent to Vietnam, but that’s beside the point. His life was disrupted by things out of his control. I was living my nice white girl suburban life and I thought I just knew everything about Vietnam, and about how he should act. 

His letter reminded me I didn’t know a damn thing, and maybe I still don’t!

But Chuck is the forgiving type. On March 19, 1994 I got to see him at a class reunion when Laura brought him so that he could see all his old gal pals, the ones he used to drive home from school on occasion or have over to his house for parties. He really was a great guy through and through, and even though I don’t know what he is doing now, I hope he is well.

Laura, Chuck, and me

Storm Coming

 

Storm coming

Just what we need

But why, oh why

Does it have to be on Jim’s birthday?

I’m officially tired of these storms.

Collection of Prayers

 

While cleaning some things up around here, I found a collection of prayers that I used to pray every day. They are gathered into a card with a Clyde Butcher photograph.

I read through them today with the intention of sharing at least one of them here.

The one I decided on though, was not written by me.

It is from Sarah Ban Breathnac and her book Simple Abundance.

It’s a good everyday prayer:

Whatever you choose for me, so be it.

Just give me strength.

Purpose

 

For many years now, my purpose has been teaching.

Early this year, I had another purpose… To take care of Jim.

This morning I came to the realization that my purpose in life is changing.

Has already changed.

At this point in my healing process, I cannot take care of Jim.

I have to leave that to other people.

I’ve known for a while that my teaching purpose has ended.

I really do not know where I will land.

Right now, my only purpose is to heal myself.

I pray daily for no complications.

It’s so hard facing this on my own.

I heard this line in a song today right when I was thinking about the word purpose:

Every purpose has its time

Time is shifting. My purpose is shifting.

And I have to believe it will serve me well.

Literally Fine…

 

I got a big laugh when I read this.

I don’t think I’ve read anything lately that felt as true as this does.

I cannot think about the past, all the things that have happened, and how much I missed having a summer.

I’m forced to think about the future as I’m beginning to plan my retirement.

But I’d rather be doing anything else.

And then there’s the present… Right now.

I cannot move through my life like I used to.

Everything takes extra thought, planning, will I have the energy?

It’s a huge balancing act, these three time frames.

I’m literally fine… Until I start thinking about one of them.

🫨🫨🫨

Thursday Gratitudes

 

I’m so glad to be home and see the colors of the sky and water.

I am grateful I can visit Jim.

I am grateful for home health care.

I am grateful to friends who keep in touch and are praying for us.

I am grateful for my workplace support.

I am grateful for health insurance.

I am grateful for music, a large part of each morning.

I am grateful I have some independence.

I’m grateful I feel a bit stronger and steadier today.

A Hand to Hold

 

Just to do this

A couple hours yesterday

Was everything

Unloading the Dishwasher

 I just can’t wait to get back to ordinary life.

Being able to take care of myself will feel so radical.

Running some laundry, washing dishes,

wiping down the sink.

So much has been thrown at me this year

that I’m really ready to just get back

what some may all the daily grind,

but to me, it looks very inviting.

Heart Rising

 Heart rising

Made up my mind today I would not be sad in the darkness

Colored this picture with many beautiful emblems

The ocean. The coral reef.

The heart at the center

The sun and the sky and the birds

Despite the downer the last several weeks have been

I feel my heart rising

I feel brighter days are coming

I’m ready

And need to be patient

Melancholy Morning

 Once again, the darkness was getting to me.

It seems I have to wait so long for daylight.

So I took some advice here:

I put on my playlist for this year with many special songs,

Closed my eyes and listened,

And by the time it was over, the daylight had come.

Peaceful, Easy Feeling

 

Well, I didn’t get to go home yesterday.

I’m going to have to wait out the weekend.

But something magical happened for us.

My nurse and Jim’s nurse got it together so we could FaceTime.

It was so great to see him. He actually looked pretty good.

Still struggling with his breath, however.

This happened at about 1:30 in the afternoon.

And I just cannot even express how peaceful and calm and wonderful I felt the rest of the day.

Rainbow Day?

 

Donegal, Ireland. Credit: Doreen Dvorscak

This could be the day.

My rainbow day.

When I see my home again.

When I see Jim again.

When I will begin to establish my life again.

So many changes coming.

This time better have prepared me.

Sit With It

 

Being in the hospital has forced me to sit with it

I’ve already expressed how difficult mornings can be

Because that’s when I’m forced to sit with it

It’s quiet. Breakfast isn’t here yet.

So when those anxieties and worries, start floating around

I have to sit with it

 With no notebook in hand, I just have to process through in new ways

But I still project onto my day good things to happen

Today, perhaps I will walk further, with less assistance

I feel myself moving back toward my home

And I can’t wait.

Miss My Mornings

 In this Other World I’m living in

Coffee is not really a thing

At home, I would concoct delicious coffee combinations

Based on a variety of flavors and styles

I would sip that coffee while writing in my journal

Praying, reading, thinking about the upcoming day

But here in this Other World

I wake to the dark and it just seems dark

I feel surrounded, misplaced

It’s when the blues start to set in

But I still do some reading

And I still pray, of course

And my prayer today is that I’m closer to getting out 

of this Other World

The Middle of Ireland

My cousin Doreen and her husband are traveling around Ireland this month. She sent me these photos with this notation:

We are in the middle of Ireland, and visited Birr Castle today.  This is Saint Brendan’s well on the castle grounds.
It dates back to the 6th century.  I made a wish and said a prayer for you and Jim.

There is something very sweet and touching in knowing that in another part of the world, deep in the green earth, lie good wishes and prayers for Jim and I. Somehow, looking at these pictures, I feel like I have been to this place. I don’t know how or why. 

I find it soothing.

 

Hanging On

 

My friend Kara has a saying for when we’re going through tough times:

Look for the lighthouses.

The lighthouses are the people that have gone through their own difficulties and have come shining through.

We can look to them for inspiration of how to move forward through our own trials and tribulations.

It reminds me of this plant that I saw growing out of vent on top of a hospital building.

I watched this guy get whipped around in the wind and the rain during some tremendous storms, yet he kept hanging on.

I continue to be in the midst of storms I never expected to encounter in my life. This little guy is one of my lighthouses. I find a strange comfort in knowing he’s out there in the blazing sun every day, hanging on by a thread during whatever nature throws at him

I think he’ll make it. I know I will.

Where/Who Am I?

 I keep looking at this picture of Alice

And I feel like it’s supposed to help reveal something to me

Where are we in life without our routines?

I’ve lost every bit of mine

Yesterday from the rearview of the ambulance

I was looking at the roads that I’ve traveled so many times

But these same roads I haven’t been on in very long time

As my life has taken these many twists and turns

Once I was in the hospital for a while, I had the routines down

Now I’m somewhere new and starting from scratch

All I really want is to live life on my terms

Choose my own routines

It’s so easy to get lost in this medical mania

What will I remember most about this time?

What will I have learned from this experience?

When will it be my time to emerge?

Hospital Day 10

 I am going crazy here without my journal.  I had considered having my neighbor bring it in, but didn’t feel like there was anywhere good to keep it. I had her bring me pads of papers and pens, but have yet to try them. Since she did bring my iPad, I thought I’d come straight here.

The point here is not to rehash everything. All of this is beyond my mind to even comprehend. I am forced into the moment because these previous days have been tough, and the future is terrifying in so many ways, I dare not go there.

Jim and I feel like we are hanging on by a string together. I told him last night I just know we will have a chance to hold each others’ hands again. Could God have brought us all this way together just to drop us in a lonely sea? I think not.

A chaplain who saw Jim came to see me. He didn’t have much to say, but he did recite my favorite quote:

All will be well

And all will be well

In all manner of things will be well

I colored these bright flowers today. Sunflowers have been a guiding light to me for many years. They remind me that joy is always at hand. That when we are together we are more powerful. That we can stand tall and strong. And turning our face to the sun, our beautiful source, is a necessary spiritual ritual every day.