No Apologies -- On Writing

 

 

Today's poem and subsequent explanation were prompted by a section of the poem "The Flea" by Rick Barot:

At a certain point I stopped and asked

what poems I could write, which were different

from the poems I wanted to write, the wanting

being proof that I couldn't write those poems, that they

were impossible.

Oh boy, I can relate.

I always think I can do a different kind of poetry, that

I will suddenly become someone

who studies and revises her

own poems until every word

and beat is perfect.

Instead, poetry runs through me

in a moment and with a few

tiny adjustments, is released.

Like this one.

And I make no apologies.

(7:40 a.m.)

After writing this little piece, and thinking it good enough to publish, I happened to revisit my 7 Lines/7 Days poems from 2021. In reading back, I realized that at the beginning of this year I made a clear decision to spend time on other things besides my writing. Which worked for a while. 

 

But for a true writer, that is not workable long term plan.

The craving began. I wrote quite a few things about the desire to write, about not getting going, and about not being satisfied with where I was as a writer.

Then came October and my world completely crumbled in a way I haven't seen in decades. And it was with that my writing came back to me. It has been my lifesaver, my friend, my confidante, my connection, my scolding, my map-making. In other words, writing is everything to me. Which sounds cliche but truly, it is not.

So however it shows up, that is okay. 

 

I am a writer. 

 

And the way I approach it, the how and when, requires no apologies.

Love & Faith & Joy (7 Lines/7 Days #84)

 #108Weeks

December 19-25, 2021

I've been revising my reading goals for 2022, and liking the direction.

I came face-to-face with the fact that I need a major mental adjustment.

Atomic Habits by James Clear is helping me make small changes to get my physical strength back in a manageable way.

On Solstice Day I wrote this: I commit more fully to the life I know I can live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy.  I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all -- every ugly and beautiful moment, encounter, and feeling -- as TEACHER.

I must continue to look at each moment with love and faith and joy. I'm calling it WILD JOY.

Progress, not perfection.

Have faith and be the change!

Wild Joy on a Christmas Morning

 I dedicate my life going forward to Wild Joy. 

Great Blue Heron greets me

Tide Tracks

Standing Tall in the Sun

My Path to the Prayer Point

Reflecting on Aging

Thank You, Joan Didion

 Joan Didion has left us.

Even though the only book I read by her was South and West, I have admired and respected her for years. I recall especially doing a Socratic Seminar on one of her essays when I was at my first AVID conference. That is when I knew the power of her writing and thinking. 

I also know her power because I have avoided reading one of her most critically acclaimed works: The Year of Magical Thinking. It is on the death of her husband, a thought that terrifies me. I know I must read it because every time I hear her name, I think of the book I’ve been avoiding.

And now I’m thinking I need to get on it sooner rather than later.

Mostly, though, I wanted to post this quote from her as a guidepost for me during 2022. This goes so beautifully with the Kabir poem I wrote about in the previous post. It has the same theme: Live in the world now. Don’t hold back. There is no reason to delay. The moment is mine for the taking. And that is a message I need to embrace fully in order to move beyond my current state.

Rest in power, dear Joan. And thank you. 

Thinking Out Loud on an Auspicious Solstice Morning

 Written 12-21-21

I am finding inspiration and motivation from every direction.

A few days ago I realized I was ready to move on from the place I've been, which has been rather stuck. I knew this was coming, but I did not have a vision.

Today the vision began to form.

First, with Atomic Habits by James Clear. I'm thinking What kind of person do I want to be? And What habits will get me there?

This motivated me to get on my exercise bike, and I put on a podcast from Michael Meade called "The Cultivated Heart: In Loving Memory of Robert Bly."  I have met both of these men before, and Robert passed a month ago today.  In the podcast, Michael focused a lot on writings Robert did for a poetry anthology they worked on together called The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. It has always been one of my favorite collections.

What was helpful to me is that the topic of cultivating our hearts caused Michael to focus on a few specific poems, two of which really spoke to me.

 

I think I will also take a moment to mention why I knew I was stuck, even as I knew it was time to move on. First, I had a meeting with some friends where I found myself blaming a lot of others for things I'm encountering. This left me emotionally reeling for at least 12 hours, and was not a pleasant experience.

Second, I met a friend for lunch and a Broadway show, only to find myself surprised that she brought me Christmas presents. Why I was surprised baffled me. We always exchange gifts. How is it that I have not even given it ONE thought these last few weeks when I knew we had this event coming up?  My only answer is that I have become ridiculously insular and selfishly focused that even things that should be evident go right past me. Not a good feeling. I blamed myself deeply for the neglect of this important exchange.

Another thing I encountered recently that brought me up short was revisiting other blog posts from Decembers of previous years. It is there I found something I wrote on December 9, 2017 called "On Questions and Contradictions." In this post I discovered that much of what I keep complaining about now are the exact same things that were happening then. Have I not even figured out how to do better?

In the blog, I referred to the poem "The Sunflowers" by Mary Oliver, in which she suggests we ask sunflowers questions:

Come with me
to visit the sunflowers,
they are shy
but want to be friends;
they have wonderful stories
of when they were young –
the important weather,
the wandering crows.
Don’t be afraid
to ask them questions!
Their bright faces,
which follow the sun,
will listen, and all
those rows of seeds –
each one a new life!

I then proceeded to ask myself a lot of questions, many I still have today. Things like...How do I get through to my students? Why do I go through this every year? What will make real change? 

And most importantly, Why can't I be you, Sunflower?

Coming upon this blog post was unforgettable in this current quest.  Leave it to Michael Meade to pick up the pieces for me when he read this poem:

This poem connected everything together -- all my tears, my grief, my vulnerability, my blaming of others, and a good comeuppance on how wrong my view can be. This is about seeds being cultivated. It has been too easy to tighten up and not let that seed explode into something wonderful. After all, everything real in life is about breaking open to the moment. Without it, there is no creativity, no innovation.

Michael goes on to explain:

[We must live] with immediacy of the soul, that rare sense that the next moment can break open. And that we must...marry it, step into it, and become ourselves in that moment of opening and awaking. If we fail to do that we have not fully participated in the world.

It is obvious I have to do that which is really difficult for me -- truly open up, live more fully, love more actively. I have been saying this for years, and I think I'm doing it, but recent events have found my fault lines. And recent events have also taught me I have no time to waste. I look ahead and I see an end line. This is a new feeling, and one I must reckon with.

But Michael wasn't done. Then he introduced this poem, which gave me further marching orders!

To Be a Slave of Intensity (Kabir, trans. by Robert Bly)

Friend, hope for the guest while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think...and think...while you are alive.
What you call 'salvation' belongs to the time before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,
do you think
ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic
Just because the body is rotten -
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
you will simply end up with an apartment in the City of Death.
If you make love with the divine now, in the next life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!

Kabir says this: When the guest is being searched for, it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest that does all the work.
Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity. 

JUMP INTO EXPERIENCE WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE.

BREAK THE ROPES.

I simply LOVE that! 

"So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is, Believe in the Great Sound"

Welcome it all--joy and sorrow. Don't ignore any of it. ENGAGE!

So the answer to Why can't I be you, Sunflower?

is

I AM. I just don't activate it.

*

I'm not quite done, even though that seems like quite a lot.

For the first time in a long time I pulled a Rune stone. And the word was perfect, of course: FAITH.

This is already a word I have embraced during the journey over these past few months. I discovered it when I did the 33 Question Cards to find my word. When the Rune divination said the same, well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

And I still needed these words:

Faith encourages us to believe that we can make a difference -- in ourselves and in the world.

And so, on this auspicious solstice day of 12-21-21, I commit more fully to the life I know I need to live. I commit more fully to vulnerability, innovation, creation, and joy. I commit more fully to cultivating my heart, leading with my heart, shining light from my heart. And I seriously commit to not blaming others or myself for what is. I welcome it all--every ugly or beautiful moment, encounter, or feeling-- as TEACHER.

I needed to identify the turning point, and this has been it.

11:05 am  12/21/2021

 

28. My Heart is a Spotlight

#66Challenge

 

Today a new angle on the Sun Bu-er poem emerged when I read this line from Robert Bly:

The evening arrives; we look up and it is there.

 

Cut brambles long enough

I kept looking, trying to see

Sprout after sprout

There is this and this and this

And the lotus will bloom

Of it's own accord:

Ask the right questions

Frame it in a new way

Already waiting in the clearing

Pay attention to the obvious

The single image of light

It becomes self-evident

The day you see this,

That day you will become it

The spotlight shines on the image that matters -- 

Saying "Look Here"

 

27. Zig Zag Heart

 #66Challenge

I began this poem using color chips for prompts, and then Kai added in during our creative writing club meeting on December 14. It is an abcedian poem (ABC...) and each line is 3 syllables. We had fun “zig zagging” through the alphabet and trying to choose the appropriate words and phrases to make the poem work. 

Arriving

Battle won

Crackling rose

Diva blue

Early morn

Float about

Gift of life

Hiding place

Instant star

Jaunty cloud

Kindness first

Listening

Morning moon

Not yet sun

One to one

Passages

Quick point click

Remember

Standing sea

Thin silver

Universe

Vastless sky

Waves me still

X-ray winds

You're the star

Zig zag heart

Shifting (7 Lines/7 Days #83)

 #108Weeks

December 12-18, 2021

Crystal Bowl Meditation removed all the knots in my neck and shoulders. 

On Monday, I had a hard time feeling any love or joy at work because I had gotten all wrapped up in the numbers. 

I’ve decided I can’t be a Read 180 fascist. 

Found a way to lift a student’s spirits and belief in herself, and that felt good. 

Something shifted and I’m back in teacher mode. Wasn’t sure when or if that would ever happen.

On Friday I discovered how vulnerable I am, and it sent me reeling for hours. Fortunately it took place in a safe space, and I’m so grateful for wonderful friends.

If nothing else, I needed this week for everything to settle in, and to see once again how resilient I am.

26. A Bit of Breathing Room

 #66Challenge

One thing about teaching the week before break: a teacher can either drive themselves and students crazy cracking down on work, or they can relax a little into the holiday spirit and use the available energy in a different way. This has been my mode of operation for years, and this year was no exception. 

This year we took a day to create our own Coat of Arms. In the early days of my teaching, kids could dive right into art activities with joy. But with the loss of creative endeavors in grade school because of standardized testing pressures, I’ve watched a slow decline in my students’ ability to embrace art. 

And I feel complicit as well, since this is probably the first art activity we have done since August. All I can say is the pressure on teachers and students is real and oppressive. 

Still, many dove in and, using the suggested ideas (most from the Middle Ages) proceeded in creating their own “shield” which represents who they are through color, animals, and symbols. The variety I have here is a good representation of the diversity of young people I teach: each a unique individual with their own story to tell. 

25. "Heartbeat is the telegram..."

 #66Challenge

 

This poem was inspired by Barbara Kingsolver's poem "Down Under" in which she describes a hike in Australia, ending with this stanza:

Heartbeat is the telegram

to believe: full stop.

Elbows on knees we crouch down

under the scrub for shade, familiar

territory, hands to sand,

roots to moisture.

Join the tribe of creatures

getting out of here alive.

Today I know I'm going to make it.

 

Barbara's poem seemed to describe

my experience perfectly.

 

How weak and thirsty I became.

How slowly I've emerged again.

 

I've been crouching under the

shade brush, as she describes,

 

my mind not fully engaged

since facing the trauma I felt.

 

Little by little I'm coming back.

 

Where the last break facilitated the

healing of my mind,

 

this one will bring me back to

my teaching heart.

 

24. "The grass bends..."

#66Challenge

The grass bends

then learns again to stand 

~Tracy K. Smith~

 

This was me this past week,

grass being tromped down

bent out of shape

torn and tattered.

 

This was me this past week,

a pawn in some mysterious game 

to teach me to look

and listen better.

 

This is me now

standing tall

sprung back from the ground.

Still rooted.

Still strong.

Begin Again (7 Lines/7 Days #82)

 #108Weeks

December 5-11, 2021

 

 

I have not even thought about Christmas, and haven't even gotten my music out, let alone any decorations.

On Monday, feeling positive and strong.

On Tuesday, trying to recover from all the Monday irritations.

On Wednesday, trying to recover from a fight in my classroom.

On Thursday, I was feeling sad and edgy.

On Friday, I reflected on an unexpected conversation with my 3rd period.

On Saturday, I knew I had made it through and all is well in my world.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, who reminded me to just "begin again."

23. Salvation

 #66Challenge

Written December 10, 2021

Inspired by Lynn Ungar's poem "Salvation."

 

Do you believe me when I say

you are neither salvaged nor saved,

but salved, anointed by gentle hands

where you are most tender?

I actually was salved

yesterday

when I realized the obstacle

was the path.

 

When I really "got" that

what was happening

was the answer

 

When I witnessed another adult

say what I've been saying

and getting no result.

 

We are in whole new

territory here.

 

If we don't listen, we'll remain lost.

22. Power of Spirit

 Written during Write Around the Corner meeting 12/4/2021

The opening lines of "Eagle Poem" by Joy Harjo inspired this piece.

To pray you open your whole self

To sky, to earth, to sun, to moon

To one whole voice that is you

And know there is more

That you can't see, can't hear;

Can't know except in moments

Doesn't that just say it all?

How far I've come by opening myself up

Rather than closing myself off.

How perfectly ironic that

the day I saw the two eagles

was within the same day my journey --

this part of the journey--

began.

These two eagles were not circling in blue sky

or flying over a river.

There were calmly sitting on the roof next door,

looking around, for quite a while,

as I prepared some things in the kitchen.

Little did I know they were the 

harbingers of what was to come:

The Power of Spirit saying

look. listen. see.

21. Pregnant

 #66Challenge

 

I had a dream I was walking along, then I sat down. A doctor (female, Indian) approached me and told me I was pregnant.

I knew it was the truth.

And I was happy. Ageless.

Nothing else involved, and no one else.

All I can think now is that I'm pregnant with the possibility of birthing something new in my classroom, somehow pulling together to grow and learn and thrive.

I'm pregnant with ideas on how to let the kids do the productive struggle instead of me constantly struggling against them. Breathing into, rather than holding my breath.

It will be much like those midnight feedings and even colicky babies you have to drive around in the car to soothe and get quiet calm. In other words, it will be rocky for a while, I am sure.

I am slowly giving birth to what I already know...and what I don't.

This is a sacred time for me, and I need to keep my mind on

love

wisdom

caring

listening

lifting

and recognizing the 

moments of 

brilliance.

 

Productive Brilliance (7 Lines/7 Days #81)

 #108Weeks

November 28-December 4, 2021

Orchid Bee photo by Kara Vereen. 2021

I dreamt of crystals again -- this time they were buried in sand

This week was a new beginning

I'm doing well keeping loving attention

I started privately giving "orchid bee" recognition to learners showing "productive brilliance"

My bottom line: I am a reading teacher who will stick with what she believes no matter the horrible curriculum sent her way

I realized (from journal entries) that the day I saw the two eagles on the roof was the beginning of this part of my journey -- it was October 5th, the day of my first meltdown

Friday tried my patience, but my goals for the week were met, so I am happy

Auspicious Day 12-1-2021

 On this beautiful morning, I took a walk in the woods at Lakes Park before school.

I haven’t done anything like that in years. 

I was able to breathe deeper and maintained my energy throughout the day. 

This has been a wonderful week of love and gentleness.