Healing Power of Chris Cornell

 In my previous post, I spoke of feeling like a boxer getting knocked out. At the time of the writing I was feeling very raw and bruised, and it was important to express that clearly.

But I also knew my responsibility was to caring for myself, making sure I recovered properly from the week. It wasn't like I hadn't tried during the week. Two days in a row I had relaxing music playing all day in my classroom with videos of dolphins and manatee and whales. I knew music could help me, and in many ways it did.

On Saturday morning Jim and I were driving to what we call our jam session with a music teacher, and we heard the Grateful Dead's "Ripple" on the radio. We decided to play that, and our session was a lot of fun. I felt some of the anxiety lifting after playing and singing "Ripple" several times through: it's tune happy and words esoteric.

Still, I wasn't quite right. 

***

In the past, I've had my friends tell me about Chris Cornell. I didn't follow him when he was alive, but last weekend I found a live album on Amazon Prime music and had listened to it, finding I deeply loved it. There is something about his voice, his story, his song narratives I find appealing.

And on Saturday I knew I needed Chris Cornell. In the past I would have looked for something smooth, music that would soothe me.

But I needed more than soothing.  I needed purging.

I've been thinking about how I felt about some of the stuff that happened this week in my 5th period class. How a student screamed at me that "this is shit" and "you are shit" just because I asked the class to read a slide and answer a question.  I didn't even care if they actually did it -- I was just trying to maintain some structure on a screwed-up day. 

On Friday the toxins were flying between students, worse than I'd heard all year. I couldn't avoid it because we were in the middle of a class discussion, and they were out of control. There was simply no time between classes to gather myself, to clear the negative energy. It is poisonous to me, and I know it.

I think that is why I needed Chris Cornell. I put on headphones and listened, falling asleep and getting some much needed rest, and waking up again to his voice (it's a wonderfully long album!)

Thank you friends who suggested Chris to me. I don't think I'd be as recovered as I feel if it wasn't for that music. I'm glad to know he is there now when I need him -- although I hope next time I get to listen to him because I want to, not because I need to.

TKO (7 Lines/ 7 Days #54)

 #108Weeks

 

May 23-29, 2021

 

Important notes about this post: This week I added a bit of a theme and stuck with it. After all I went through I feel like I should have a terrycloth robe with my name embroidered on the back. It was tough, and I'm not sure the next 13 days with kids will be any better. It's exhausting for everyone to have a year like this. This post marks my halfway point with with this project. I am grateful to be keeping this documentation of events, even the painful ones.

 

 

On Sunday I had a nice walk with Amy at Lakes Park, then to Fancy's for Chicken and Waffles. YUM.

In order to survive, I'm teaching a novel to 5th period called The Contender, about a 16-year-old high school drop-out training to be a boxer. Most kids are really into it. It's a perfect story for these guys.

Tuesday was a chill day. The calm before the storm.

JAB--I have to sit in another teacher's classroom with 6th graders for hours while the 7th and 8th graders test. Returning to my room, I spilled a large mug of water, nearly wiping out my cellphone.  Also lost a pair of good reading glasses in transit. Then rushed through 17-minute period (6 classes) the rest of the day. In that short time I managed to write 2 referrals in 5th period.

CROSS--Walking quickly at school I turn a corner and my right foot slides and go down on my left knee, shocking me. No indication the floor had just been mopped. I was traumatized for several hours, but appear to be okay. Falling at any age is tough. At 65, it is scary as hell.

HOOK--Had to write two more referrals* during 5th period. One girl was screaming at a boy during a class discussion. Is there no end to this madness?

UPPERCUT --Anxiety has built up in my chest. Even after getting a massage, I didn't sleep well and had a frustrating dream. Thank God for a 3-day-weekend. I need to recover, because I'm back in the ring on Tuesday.

*I have only written 3 other referrals all year.  This week I wrote FOUR.

Incremental Changes (7 Lines/7 Days #53)

 #108Weeks

 

May 16-22, 2021

 

New favorite words-to-live-by from Walt Whitman:

Be curious

Not judgmental

 

Working A/C has made all the difference in my classroom

 

Had a wonderful meal at The Standard with friends. First place I've been with no masks

 

 By Thursday I hit a breaking point with crazy test schedules

 

Still 18 days left with students -- too long

 

Ricky graduates high school today. I get to watch it live.

 

Reading short stories by Isabel Allende made my week beautiful

 

 

 

Finding My Soft Heart

 Initially inspired by the poem "Your Soft Heart" by Nikita Gill

Part One

My heart has not always felt

so soft toward my 5th period class

a strong contingent of boys

and a couple out-of-control girls

Some quiet ones always 

on the sidelines

the lunch period, so extra 

time with them

But this week I was asking my classes

of 7th and 8th graders

What's the hardest thing about growing up?

and class after class said many of the same things:

school and homework

losing friends

someday having to pay for everything ourselves

thinking of the past and knowing we can't go back

understanding the realities of the world

It was all expected, pretty ordinary

But when I got to 5th period, there

was something that hadn't popped up earlier

One boy wrote:

You know that people love you, but they don't really like you.

One girl simply said:

Being alone

And it was mentioned at least two more times

My soft heart made an adjustment right then.

My determination to be kind to them

no matter how irritating they were, 

increased.

My plans altered.

Now all I can think is:

What is one small thing I can do in the days left

to make them feel less alone?

 

How can I let them know they will always be needed?

 

Part Two [Triolet]

I always kind of knew

It's about their broken hearts

They are masking feeling blue

I always kind of knew

So I need to yield to what is true 

They are not just upstarts

I always kind of knew

It's about their broken hearts

Seven Days of Self-Care (7 Lines/ 7 Days #52)

 #108weeks

 

May 9-15, 2021

 

Facing a week of schedule interruption with testing and several other annoyances, I decided to focus on self-care. Here is the result.

Sunday:  Took a walk with Kara at Lakes Park

Monday: New clothes ready to wear this week: cute tops and colorful dresses

Tuesday: Giving kids space to be themselves helps me be calm

Wednesday: Managed an escape from my classroom during lunchtime, and drove to Publix to get some sushi, enjoying the blue sky and white puffy clouds and breathing deeper

 Thursday: Finally returned to my cushion for five minute daily meditation, and my mind is already in better order

Friday: Early morning neighborhood walk on a breezy, cool day

Saturday: Playing Neil Young music at my lesson, getting together with writing group, and finishing an excellent book makes for a perfect day

Flying Blind (7 Lines/7 Days #51)

 #108Weeks

 

May 2-8, 2021 

 

Now and then I find myself back against the wall
With everything in front of me that I can't see at all

Sanibel Island Writer's Conference will be virtual again this year. I miss those November days on the island, indulging in writing, good food, and friends. It was always the best weekend of the year.

I'm deep into planning for the rest of the year. Just trying to make it all work.

I choose clarity over fear.

It's great witnessing an increase in confidence in one of my students. This is one I caught cheating. He found out he didn't have to which is proof again: All things work together for good.

Starting a research project using found poetry as a way to investigate the subject is working like a charm!

5th period bought in to a class book club. Can't deny the enthusiasm.

Refuse to struggle. Ye Tang Che

 

And now Sheryl Crow and James Taylor sing for you.

Lyrics (Written by Chris Stapleton and Sheryl Crow)

47 Days

Who is watching me?

Who is bearing witness?

What do I see?

What do I pay attention to?

Can I love more?

Can I be gentler?

Here is my challenge.

In 47 days I say goodbye

to this school year.

What legacy will I leave?

What imprint will it leave on me? 

Keeping Promises (7 Lines/ 7 Days #50)

 #108Weeks

 

April 25-May 1, 2021

 

Getting myself to the beach was wonderful.

I am proud of the job our president is doing.

I covered a class not realizing it meant a long day with a mask. I'll be glad when that thing is gone!

Wednesday was a scheduled day off.  I kept my promise to write.

Annmarie called my writing "vulnerable and unapologetic." I like that!

My students are getting into reading historical fiction around black experience. Love it :-)

The Universe is in constant contact for my well-being.