Hidden

Today I’m reflecting on this line from the poem yesterday:

Let the Sun teach you that

no matter how long you’ve been hidden

you will always rise again.

HIDDEN. That is how I feel since the accident.

Like I’m hidden from the world.

I’m hiding at home. And in hospital rooms.

I had started to venture out, but now I’m hidden again.

Last night was the first night in weeks and weeks I joyfully made dinner and had an appetite to eat it.

I have been feeling so off. Maybe last night was a first step away from that feeling.

In the quote, it speaks of rising.

I’m not sure about that, but my word this year was EMERGE.

I suppose at some point circumstances will help me emerge into some kind of currently unimagined life.

Lord knows, I never would have imagined this one.

Showered and Written

Today when I got up, all I could do was write, write, write in my journal. There was so much information to process from yesterday. 

Jim and I have come to this moment sadly unprepared to deal with it. But there isn’t much I can do about that now.

In my writing, I made a plan for today. It’s just a plan, a thought, an idea, a process. I will speak to others about it. I will listen for helpful input.

After about an hour of writing and sipping coffee, the only thing I wanted to do was shower. I had not even had breakfast yet, so this is totally out of my routine. But I needed to wash off all the gunk from yesterday, all the fears and tears and “what are we going to do”s.

Another part of yesterday was spending a lot of time just staring at the clouds outside of Jim’s room. My friend Annmarie sent me this poem today, and the cloud part really got me. 🥹

Things got too heavy yesterday for sure. But today through the magic of gel pen, paper, and a lovely hot shower, I was able to release some of the weight. Now it’s on to my day: breakfast, counselor appointment, visit to Jim, more conversations. 

I have helpers…real humans and nature. I will not squander what they have to offer.

Stabilizing

Journal entry 8.27.24

Yesterday while I was waiting for Gina Wells to pick me up for my doctor appointment, I saw a huge eagle fly over our lake. It was followed by a smaller, younger one.

I consider eagle sightings auspicious, so was encouraged by this sign.

[for the readers: Gina is the wife of the guy who is subbing my classes while I’m out. I had never met her before. This is how strong my CLMS support network is. I am grateful.]

When I got in the car, meeting Gina for the first time, I told her of the eagle sighting. I told her in Native American mythology, it represented Spirit, and I felt it was telling me Spirit is with me.

While in my doctor appointment, Gina looked up online. When I came out, she read me this:

Find stability in yourself.

When I looked it up today, I found some additional words that can be stabilizing. 

STRENGTH. POWER. WISDOM. FREEDOM. DIVINE PROTECTION. SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE.

I’m feeling the strength to do what I need to do.

I will keep the power on my side —enough hopelessness and flying around at the whims of things.

I’m wise enough to know what’s happening here.

The only freedom I will feel is if I don’t get caught in anxiety about imagined future events.

Stabilizing is to feel the strength, power, wisdom and freedom of this important moment.

Each important moment.

ADDENDUM: I went to the hospital early today and met with the palliative care manager.

Jim signed a DNR.

Hospice care has been discussed, but his pulmonologist said to wait and see how he does the next couple of days.

Here is the moment.

Better

 I remember this anniversary dinner

Outdoor restaurant…it was hot!

Loved seeing our smiles here when things were better.

Talked to you this morning.

You said you’re doing better, but you won’t say “good.”

I myself am better, and perhaps approaching good.

The struggles of this summer are beyond compare.

I hang tight to memories

Of when times were better

And we were together.

Where Are You?

 You called my phone at 5:40 AM

A strange occurrence 

You asked

Where are you?

Then said

I need help.

Your brain was in a fog

You were struggling to breathe

And now you’re in the hospital

Where you are already improving

We pray this is a path to better care

You deserve nothing less.

View from hospital room

Unwritten

Today is my niece Cheryl’s 40th birthday. She is a writer, and so I sent her this song to celebrate her day and entry into a new decade of life.

I’ve always felt this song an inspiring message about our lives, how we write them day to day. It’s one of my personal favorites from the first decade of this century.

But as I watched the lyrics go by on the video, especially Staring at the blank page before you, I felt without the ability to write my own life again. With all the drama this year, I feel like someone has stolen the pen from me, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get it back. 

Every time I think, Now I’m moving forward, something arrives to set me back. And not just one step, but several. As if health issues weren’t enough, being away from Jim is even worse.

I know I am writing here, and certainly this is a way I’m writing my life. I sometimes wonder why I can’t have just a teeny bit of control on how things go…why does everything have to be so difficult? 

I used to think it was all in my attitude; I just needed to find the “right” words and phrases to keep me centered. Truth is, I'm exhausted from the effort that takes. How hard I have to think about every move. How isolated I am here in my own home. It’s become impossible to think about anything but my own need in this exact moment.

It all feels so limiting. So out of reach. So NOT like how I live my life. 

I hope by getting these words down, I have written myself to a better place. After all, writing is about finding our truth. 

Here is mine.

Staying Afloat

The Democratic National Convention saved me this week. I watched every night but Monday, and thoroughly enjoyed the energy, enthusiasm, vibes, music, and message. It helped me stay afloat in a sea of darkness, my health once more at issue, and distance from my husband greater.

This is a photo from The New York Times, and it made me think…this is for all the girls of color I’ve taught through the years. It’s time we embraced diversity and a country that reflects the reality of the people who live here. There will never be true unity without it. 

This is the moment.

Thank you, Dems, for keeping my spirits lifted and alive.