13. Letting Go

 #66Challenge

 

When I began this challenge, I thought I'd be writing about all the cool things happening in the classroom, as I have in the past. But the idea of that never really jelled, and now here I am...

Yesterday in my Write Around the Corner meeting, our facilitator Dana pulled an Oracle card with the statement

What is already with you?

When she read the commentary, one sentence stood out to me. This is what I wrote, which provoked a 40 minute conversation. All in all, very needed and very healing.

 

(Written October 30, 2021)

 "It is okay to let go of the past" really struck me as something to write about.

One of my main gripes and anxieties right now is I feel like my dream and passion of being a teacher is coming to an end -- or maybe it already did. I wasn't ready for this, nor was I ready to let it go.

I believe I have what I need inside. It's the letting go that feels hard. Being a teacher has been a clear and present and unwavering dream of mine for so long, it's really hard to think that it is over.

The fact of the matter is that it is already over. I can "hope" (not a good plan) things will be different next year. But I know better. If anything, they are more likely to get worse.

I cannot "hope" for change, nor can I "hope" they will give me consistent support. It's not coming.

I have to figure out what is within me right now that will carry me through.

I don't know how to have more energy and I don't know how to make it work.

The world has changed and the kids (for the most part) have changed, but we are far behind. We are outdated in our approach.

Ye Tang Che--I can see the problem.

My life as a certain kind of teacher ended without me knowing it.

That is what I need to acknowledge and say goodbye to. It isn't coming back.

Bottom line-- I don't know the answer to any of this. 

All I know is I don't know. 

Writing on the Wall (7 Lines/7 Days #76)

 #108Weeks

October 24-30, 2021

 

 

 

 

 

I abandon hope

I am fearless

In survival mode

Physically drained

Barely making it through the day

Demoralized

The writing is on the wall

 

12. Murder in the First Degree

 #66Challenge

 Written October 30, 2021

The things a person will murder in order to name--Barbara Kingsolver

I read this in her poem "Nature of Objects" and thought

The things that will be murdered inside a teacher to collect data.

And yes, I know this has been going on a long time.

And now here I stand, the victim of the latest murder.

Bleeding inside.

So much I cry on a whim.

Because my life was supposed to be about this. Retirement was not even a word I related to.

But when someone looks you in the eye and says just go along, be positive...twisting of the knife with a smile.

Now, instead of knowing I get to enjoy my career for many more years, I'm just trying to get through the marathon of each day, while not letting my health go south.

What once felt sure is now uncertain.

How will I make it to the end?

 

11. Demoralized

 #66Challenge

Written 10/29/2021 after reading Lawrence Ferlinghetti's poem "Junkman's Obbligato."

The whole time I was reading this poem, all I kept thinking was

This is the way to feel demoralized.

They've done a good job.

How do I shake off this sadness?

I will arise and go now and claim myself back.

I say I'm just going to go along, but honestly it hurts too damn much.

And now I'm crying again.

How will I get past this?

I don't want to be that teacher.

I've tried all week to make it different.

It isn't helping much.

I'm not putting in extra time.

I'm not doing anything to my ability.

I ache and I'm tired and I'm 1000% frustrated.

This is what it feels like to be demoralized.

 

 

 

10. Dear Teacher Helen

 #66Challenge

Dear Teacher Helen, 

Pour yourself into the Global Perspectives class because that is where you are actually allowed to teach.

Understand the other course is not meant to do anything but raise lexile. No one cares about the kids being truly literate or loving reading or knowing how to think. 

Abandon hope of any change as it is not coming, and no one cares about anything but covering their own ass.

They are seeking to demoralize you for some unknown reason. 

Don’t let them.

Proceed fearlessly in your love of the young people in front of you.

Love is always the answer. Put it to the test. 

Fill in the blanks. 

Save your energy. 

And love love love.

9. Beliefs and Necessities for the Intensive Reading Classroom

 #66Challenge

 

 

1. Readers must have choice in the books they read.

2. Readers must be given time to read.

3. Readers must believe in their ability to learn and be motivated by that.

4. Readers need to relieve stress--reading helps.

5. Readers need to build stamina.

6. Readers need consistent interaction with the structure of language.

7. Readers need fun activities to go along with learning --games, art, etc.

8. Readers need autonomy in completing lessons.

9. Readers need attention when they are unable to complete on their own.

10. Readers need to construct knowledge.

11. Readers need teachers who read.

12. Readers need to talk about reading.

13. Readers need teachers who can be present and at their best, without interference.

14. Readers need to reflect on their progress.

15. Readers need to feel authentically successful in their own right.

Symbols, Sayings, and Dreams (7 Lines/7 Days #75)

 #108Weeks

October 17-23, 2021

Be present. Notice. Celebrate.

There was a dead dragonfly outside my classroom door .

I dreamt of snow, and the interpretation means going through challenges successfully.

There was a rainbow in the clouds as I drove to work.

In the night I woke up laughing -- a spillover from laughing in my dream.

I am willing to be unfinished, unpolished, and in a state of change.

Today I keep hearing a hawk calling.

8. The Heart is a Gateway

 

 #66Challenge

I wrote this on Sunday, October 17 after reading an ancient poem by Sun Bu-er, which I read every day, but on this day I felt like I received messages as I read. By the end of the week, I would have a better understanding of why.

The bold print is Sun's poem. The italicized is mine.

 

 

Cut brambles long enough

I'm getting to the core of things

    looking for the new growth

    cutting away that which 

    does not nourish

Sprout after sprout

Each learner a reader in their own right

How do I assist this growth?

And the lotus will bloom

All good things take time and nurturing

Of its own accord:

Whose day is it for a breakthrough?

Could be me

Already waiting in the clearing

It is happening, it has happened

I must bear witness

The single image of light

Be present. Notice. Celebrate.

The day you see this

That will be the day you become it

Everything is becoming

if the environment is set

Get out of the way

Give room for growth

Be true to the reader you are

Be true to the cause of books

Have faith in your vision

Bring awareness

Bites of learning and

times of building stamina

Keep the light shining

on the power of language

 

Blessings & Miracles (7 Lines, 7 Days #74)

 #108Weeks

October 10-16, 2021

Every choice is a chance

Started the week physically worn out from an active weekend

The intensive reading classes are averaging 60% on the interim

By Wednesday I was feeling better—wore a bright dress and a smile

Books save lives!

Finally got my classroom library arranged so we can find what we’re looking for!

The new Santana album Blessings and Miracles is both. Love it!

When the Dam Breaks (7 Lines, 7 Days #73)

 #108Weeks

October 3-9, 2021

I’ve been in survival mode more than I realized

I keep reminding myself about self-care, but it never feels like enough  

The week started stressful with fire and lockdown drills in my most challenging class

By Tuesday lunch I had a complete meltdown—worst day in over 5 years

Had to work hard to overcome the trauma and forgive forgive forgive

Soon I was back to laughing, having fun, recognizing the good, and coming home with energy 

The support I had at work and home was phenomenal  I am blessed 

Good Orderly Direction (7 Lines/7 Days #72)

 #108Weeks

 

September 26-October 2, 2021

 

 Jim turned 79. It was a low-key birthday.

Having a hard time getting myself out for a walk.

Still struggling with classroom misbehavior. 

Keep adjusting seating and how I do the workshop lessons: a never ending puzzle.

I accept the guidance of God: Good Orderly Direction

Had two nights I did not sleep well for no discernible reason.

Exhausted. But still motivated.