Adios, Cinderella

I read Barbara Hamby's poem "Achtung, My Princess, Good Night" today, and thought it didn't inspire.  But very quickly I found it did.  I hope that this does not come across as teachers as superhuman.  That is not my intention at all, and was not in my thoughts.

This made me think of how 

teaching gets glamorized in

unreal ways.  Just recently

I read about this young black

man who had been a drug

dealer but somehow he became

a fourth grade teacher and felt he

was "living a fairy tale" in

August, but by May he was 

quitting and going to law school.

He was held up as a model

of what is wrong in education,

that a young drug dealer can't

hack it. It infuriated me,

mostly because of the fairy

tale. No one made note of the 

fact that he had unreal expectations, 

or that it's the students who lose

in these situations. I once heard a

first year teacher say she thought she

was going to be Michelle Pfeiffer. She only

lasted until February. This is tough work and

it isn't a fairy tale or a movie, it's

real life with real children

and families and social

implications and political wildfire.

Stand in that fire, but don't let

it burn you, that's the maneuver

teachers learn, the skill needed for longevity.

And yes, in time inhaling that

smoke may get exhausting, but at 

least you lived the truth.

At least you didn't think you were Cinderella.

147.6

 Yes...the title is my weight as of this morning.  How did I get here?  Well, I've decided I cannot go into every detail. Instead, well, a bit of a "song" came to me.  I read a poem this morning called "All I Was Doing Was Breathing" by Mirabai, and it began to form a bit of a chorus in my mind, which I combined with a list poem.  (Mirabai was writing in the sixteenth century, and her poem had absolutely nothing to do with weight, btw.)

My weight journey has been as varied as everyone else's -- thus, the theme of this piece.  By the way, my soundtrack for writing this is the album The Raw and the Cooked by Fine Young Cannibals, a CD I listened to nearly every day in the summer of 1990 when I was at my fittest in my adult life in a healthy way:

Body by Jazzercise and calorie counting with the little calorie book.

 Sept. 1990

"All I Was Doing Was Breathing"

All I was doing was breathing

My cells made decisions without me

The female body journey

An unexplainable mystery

There is no end to what we will try

As the decades pass and our weight confounds us

Richard Simmons Never Say Diet  Aerobic Dancing

Jane Fonda    Jazzercise    Denise Austin

  Calorie booklets    Gold's Gym    Elaine Powers

Coach to 5K    My Fitness Pal

Fitbit and many, many attempts at running

All I was doing was breathing

My cells made decisions without me

The female body journey

An unexplainable mystery

Diet for a Small Planet   Laurel's Kitchen

Making a 40 day attempt at vegetarianism

Craving meat the entire time

Mediterranean Diet     Blood Type Diet    

Sonoma Diet      Eating Well magazine

No end to the things I've tried, some over and over again

Results vary...never consistent

All I was doing was breathing

My cells made decisions without me

The female body journey

An unexplainable mystery

Yoga   Walking the neighborhood

Walking the hillsides   Walking the riverbanks

Walking around the lake   Gentle Yoga   Lifting weights

 Walking the forests    Walking the beaches

Map My Walk in state and city parks

Restorative Yoga    Walking    Walking

And sometimes not walking but meaning to

All I was doing was breathing

My cells made decisions without me

The female body journey

An unexplainable mystery

Weight went up, weight went down

Sometimes I knew why    Very often I did not

Divorce and depression -- pounds dropped

Work stress or menopause -- weight goes up

Move to Florida -- go up a pant size

And now, without explanation, it's dropping again

Thirteen pounds down since January

No effort on my part -- too much chocolate and ice cream

Just hope it doesn't go too far this time

New wardrobe not in the budget nor desired

All I was doing was breathing

My cells made decisions without me

The female body journey

An unexplainable mystery

Life turning point brought long hair and skinny bod, "thanks" to depression  June 1999

EARTH

Loosely inspired by Nick Flynn's "earth."

Enter a new space.  Understand it
   will all be different, and you
   need that

Anyway. You've been on your way here
   all along; you knew the day would
   come, would

Reveal itself. Those bits and pieces
   have been gathering for years and
   now

Time has ripened them, like the
   earth does all around us, bringing a

Higher purpose to everything, but
   mostly the work you love.

                    Step inside.


hms
7/17/18

Tools or Weapons

I finally finished Megan Stielstra's book The Wrong Way to Save Your Life this week, and it has inspired me to create this blog post.  I'm doing this mostly for me, but heck, I'll share with the world. Maybe someone will share be likewise inspired and share with me!

Somewhere around the middle of her book of essays, Megan quotes Kafka discussing how he get more fearful as he writes.  It ends with:

The only consolation would be: it happens whether you like or no. and what you like is of infinitesimally little help. More consolation is this: You too have your tools.

Megan loved the last line, and said to her it was about how books and stories and poems and art and songs and movies are tools that save us.

Later Megan would go to Prague, read the same quote from Kafka again, and was surprised when the translation read:

You too have your weapons.

At the end of the book she lists 150 of her "Tools or Weapons, Depending On Your Translation." This caught my imagination, and I started making my list right away.  I have worked on this for days, refined, deleted, added.  I am not sure it is 100% perfect, but I'm ready to move on, so here it is.  I've not listed any movies, but instead focused on albums and songs, a couple of television series, visual art, poetry, books, and one speech.  I made choices by things that stopped me in my tracks, and things that have lingered long and strong in my heart and soul.  Many of these selections taught me something about creativity, or served as a creative spark. I read through the list and see how these all added up to give me the vision I carry today of what is possible in the creative life. Some of the books and poems listed here have maybe one line that stays with me: that made them worthy.  Others I've revisited many, many times, still mining for gold. I have songs that meant a great deal at certain times of my life, and some that still move me no matter how many times I've listened to them. These are my tools to keep balanced, to move through difficulty, to know healing is possible, to live a grand life, to forgive.

Here is my list.

“A Blessing”  James Wright

A Course in Miracles  Foundation of Inner Peace

“A Ritual to Read to Each Other”  William Stafford

A Tale for the Time Being  Ruth Orzeki

A Woman’s Journey  Joan Borysenko

A Woman’s Worth  Marianne Williamson

A Wreath for Emmett Till  Marilyn Wilson

A Wrinkle in Time  Madeleine L’Engle

Abstraction White Rose  Georgia O’Keefe

Across the Borderline  Willie Nelson

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn  Mark Twain

“Air”  Paul Winter

 “Albuquerque Lullaby”  Dan Bern

“Alive in the World”  Jackson Brown

“All Will Be Well”  Gabe Dixon Band

Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith  Kathleen Norris

“America”  Simon and Garfunkel

American Sonnets for My Past and Future Assassin  Terrance Hayes

The Artist’s Way  Julia Cameron

Band on the Run  Paul McCartney and Wings

“Behind the Locked Door”  George Harrison

Being Peace  Thich Nhat Hanh

“Blessed”  Elton John

Blossoming Almond Tree  Vincent Van Gogh

Blue  Joni Mitchell

“Buzzer”  Dar Williams

Cass County  Don Henley

“The Change”  Garth Brooks

 “Chelsea Morning”  Joni Mitchell

“Closer to Fine”  Indigo Girls

Come Away With Me  Norah Jones

“Cover Me Up”  Jason Isbell

Cowgirl’s Prayer  Emmylou Harris

Crossing to Avalon  Jean Shinoda Bolen

Disrupting Thinking: Why How We Read Matters  Kylene Beers & Robert E. Probst

“Don’t Fade Away”  Willie Nelson and Brian McKnight

“Duquesne Whistle”  Bob Dylan

“End of the Innocence” Don Henley

The Faraway Nearby  Rebecca Solnit

“Flower in the Rain”  Jaci Velasquez

The Fruitful Darkness  Joan Halifax

Full Moon Fever  Tom Petty

Get Closer  Linda Ronstadt

Get Up, Please  David Kirby

“Girl from the North Country”  Bob Dylan

Goddesses in Everywoman  Jean Shinoda Bolen

Good Girls Revolt  Amazon Original Series

Graceland  Paul Simon

Hamilton  Lin-Manual Miranda

Hasten Down the Wind  Linda Ronstadt

The Healing Path  Marc Ian Barasch
The Healing Wisdom of Africa  Malidoma Patrice Some

“Hickory Wind”  Gram Parsons

“Hills Like White Elephants”  Ernest Hemingway

“His Strength is Perfect”  CeCe Winans

Home  Dixie Chicks

Hourglass  James Taylor

Hunky Dory  David Bowie

“I Don’t Want to Wait”  Paula Cole

“I Drive Your Truck”  Lee Brice

 “If I Should Fall Behind”  Bruce Springsteen

“If We Were Vampires”  Jason Isbell

“In My Hour of Darkness”  Gram Parsons and Emmylou Harris

It’s Always Something  Gilda Radner

Initiation  Gabrielle Roth and the Mirrors

Kind of Blue  Miles Davis

Late for the Sky  Jackson Browne

“Life Itself”  George Harrison

Life, Paint, and Passion  Michell Cassou and Stewart Cubley

 “Little Girl Blue”  Janis Joplin

Long, Quiet Highway  Natalie Goldberg

Love Can Build a Bridge  Naomi Judd

“Mariposa”  Edna St. Vincent Millay

“Matthew”  Balsam Range

“Metta Chant”  Ambika

“Michelangelo”  Emmylou Harris

“Mindless Menace of Violence”  Robert F. Kennedy

Mozart in the Jungle  Amazon Original Series

My Feelings  Nick Flynn

“My Man”  The Eagles

“Mystery Train”  Elvis Presley

The Nix  Nathan Hill

“On the Pulse of Morning”  Maya Angelou

On Writing  Stephen King

“One Who Wraps Himself”  Rumi

Out of Africa (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)  John Barry

 “Pacific Radio Fire”  Richard Brautigan

“People Get Ready”  The Impressions

Platinum  Miranda Lambert

“Please Remember Me”  Rodney Crowell

The Pretender  Jackson Browne

 “Remember”  Joy Harjo

“The Reservation of the Mind”  Sherman Alexie

Revolution from Within  Gloria Steinem

The River and the Thread  Roseanne Cash

“Rocky Mountain High”  John Denver

Roses in the Snow  Emmylou Harris

Rubber Soul  The Beatles

“Sentimental”  Kenny G

“Shades of Gray”  The Monkees

“Shiloh”  Herman Melville

Siddhartha  Herman Hesse

“Silent All These Years”  Tori Amos

“Sky Blue and Black”  Jackson Browne

So Beautiful, So What  Paul Simon

Soldier  Charles White

Soldier’s Heart  Gary Paulsen

Songs of the Grateful Dead  Jesse McReynolds

Southern Blood  Gregg Allman

Storm in the Mountains  Frederic Edwin Church

“Summer, Highland Springs”  Billy Joel

“Summer Rain”  Johnny Rivers

“Sunflower Sutra”  Allen Ginsburg

Surfacing  Sarah McLachlan

Sweet Baby James   James Taylor

“Take Me Home, Country Roads”  John Denver

Tapestry  Carole King

The Things They Carried  Tim O’ Brien

“Throw Yourself Like Seed”  Miguel De Unamuno

Tomorrow’s My Turn  Rhiannon Giddens

 “Top of the Ridge”  Blue Highway

Touching Spirit Bear  Ben Mikaelsen

Transformer  Lou Reed

Traveling Mercies  Anne Lamott

“Tulips”  Sylvia Plath

“Unbound”  Amanda and Kevin Smith

 “Vienna”  Billy Joel

“Vincent”  Don McLean

“Walking”  Henry David Thoreau

Warrior of the Heart  Danaan Perry

“Watershed”  Indigo Girls

“Where is the Love”  Black-Eyed Peas

“White Man’s World”  Jason Isbell

“Why Me, Lord?”  Kris Kristofferson

Wild Mind  Natalie Goldberg

“Wildflowers”  Tom Petty

Windy City  Alison Krauss

Women Who Run With the Wolves  Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Zen Mind, Beginners Mind  Shunryu Suzuki

#5  Jackson Pollack

 “24 Frames”  Jason Isbell

Soldier by Charles White stopped me in my tracks. (Chicago Institute of Art)

Here's My Brushstroke

My Tuesday poet is Nick Flynn, and today I read his poem "the baffled king composing hallelujah." In it was a quote from Krishna talking to Arjuna in a story from the Bhagavad Gita:

"We'll never untangle the circumstances that brought us to this moment."

 

And I wrote:

I have to take Nick's word
for it that this is a
real quote. He's good
about these things. And
I sit here in July of 2018
and think about our country
and the education system
and I know I am one person
and I know I can have an
affect -- I do not doubt that.
In every moment I am making
a choice in this regard: do I
love or do I run on fear? The
world we've known is gone.
Time to create a new one.

Here is my brushstroke.



hms
7:14 am

Sunrise at the Slough

I recently made a commitment to myself to do what I am calling "soul practices" -- activities I know feed my soul.  Today's practice was to get to Six Mile Cypress Slough right at sunrise.  Get some green space in my life!

I was the first one there -- just the way I like it -- besides one photographer. The reflections of the trees in the pond were particularly beautiful in the morning light. Soon I discovered that part of the boardwalk is closed off temporarily "to protect wildlife."  I wondered just what that meant, since I have never seen them close it before.

Reflections

I walked slowly, listening to the various bird calls, and came to the Pop Ash Pond. I spotted a pair of cardinals, she with an neon orange beak.  I got a picture of him, but she disappeared before I got her. There weren't any other birds in the pond, until I walked away.  I heard a splashing sound, so I went back. There was an anhinga that had just come out of the water and was on a tree.

Anhinga

Mr. Cardinal. Misses flew away

Just past the Otter Pond is where the boardwalk was closed in the other direction. At the Otter Pond, there were lots of grunts from a gator or pig frog -- couldn't tell which.  Again, not a lot happening.

Until I walked away.  Then I heard a LOUD scream, and the sound of birds squawking. Then silence.  I smiled in amusement. Someone was mad!

But then I realized -- that was probably the scream of a panther. Most likely the wildlife they are protecting is a mama panther and her babies. I can't find anything about it online, but WOW. 

On my way back I was delighted to find apple snails chilling close to the boardwalk. That was a first for me.

All and all, a memorable and soulful morning at the Slough.

Apple snails

Hiding place

Pond apples

"This is My Heart"

The poem I read today is by Joy Harjo, and bears the same title as this blog.  While reading her poem, I could hear it like a song. I immediately knew I had to write my own version. The first and last lines are taken from her. These words came so quickly, I could barely get them on the page fast enough. Therefore, I've done very little editing. Haven't had that happen in quite some time.

 

This is My Heart

This is my heart.  It is a good heart.

It follows the love of prayer

and impermanence daily. It beats

for people around the world, 

not stigmatizing our differences.

It is heart in love with nature and

life and all God has given.

This is my head full of metaphors

and rhymes. One holding the

tensions of opposites and letting

them be. One that is open to the

artistry of others, whether films

or sonnets or colorful collages

or books written in scroll.

My head whirs with memory and

connections, always busy, always bright.

This is my soul, open to the journey

that is music and teaching and

the pen on the page. This is a happy

soul that has never doubted its

existence. This is the soul connected

to the people I know, one that

grounded me through tough times,

rejoiced in good times, kept a

steady hand on spirit even if I didn't know it.

This is my song I've come to sing quite

loudly. It is a hard-won song, a

song with minor chords to add

depth and strength, a song that

may slant its rhymes but is always,

always going in the right direction.

A song of grace and peace and unfragmented

awareness of the beauty and loss

all around us, always and forever after

I am freed from the bonds of this world.

It is a good thing, says my soul.