What Might Go Right

I had written in my journal and was thinking about what I might want to write about here today when I saw this on my Facebook feed:

It seems every day I have some level of anxiety about the things I need to do. I pretty much hate that.

But when I look back over these past weeks and months, I realize a lot of things went right. I made decisions that worked well for the most part. I’m still trying to figure out the terrain of my life with a spouse who is no longer here, and I have plenty of people to help me.

Yesterday when in one of these moments of feeling my weakness, I remembered my promise to Jim. On October 4th I told him it was okay to let go, that I would be alright. I see that as a promise I made to him. So falling into anxiety or seeing myself as incapable of handling this life is dissing that promise. 

I have everything I need, as Adam Grant has illustrated above. I need to turn my attention to the things that will go right. It’s a promise I made to Jim, and now one I make to myself.

There is every reason to believe I will be fine. I want to allow an opening for a new life and unexpected adventures. But I can’t do it if I focus on the wrong things.

“Shrinking” Pain

Last night, I watched the first two episodes of the second season of the Apple TV show Shrinking. It’s a terrific show with a great cast, including Harrison Ford.

The show features an army vet with PTSD named Sean. Harrison Ford plays a therapist named Paul and he starts treating Sean. This is where it got interesting to me. Sean was having a hard time with a potential problem he saw coming up. Paul told him that when this happens he is to close his eyes and take himself through the absolute worst case scenario, saying the words out loud, and that he is to do this until he bursts into the light and is able to say PAIN SETS ME FREE.

As I was listening to this last night, and watching how Sean put it into action, I thought “This is something I really need to remember.” Yesterday I was having a hard time with really crappy memories coming up, feeling some trauma again, and actually not looking forward to the future. I had not been feeling that way, so it was a little disheartening. But this little segment showed me that perhaps I just need to walk my way through those times, and feel the pain that goes with it rather than avoiding it, which was probably what I was doing yesterday. I can free myself from the pain I’m holding in and doing my best to ignore.

I’m documenting this here, hopefully so I won’t forget.

If you have Apple TV, I highly recommend the show Shrinking.

[ADDENDUM] Within an hour of posting this I recognized I needed to use it. Let me tell you…it works.  Lots of tears, but lots of comfort, too.

Up-n-Down

My friend Becky told me that it would take two weeks before she would really grieve when her parents passed away. I’m coming up on two weeks and I’m starting to notice a difference in myself.

For a while, I’ve just been caught up in nice memories of Jim and our life together. I’ve been taking care of things and seeing friends and rejoining a church. All good.

But today, for some reason, it’s been a bit up-and-down. I’m starting to remember more traumatic things from the past several months. For example, my car accident. I really have not thought a whole lot about it in quite some time, but today things were starting to pop up.

I know it’s trauma. I know there’s a lot of healing to be done. I’m doing my very, very best to take care of myself.

And I have help. A little while ago, I received a booklet from the leader of the Lectio Divina prayer group I attended on Monday. She included a very nice letter with it. The booklet is called A Time to Grieve, and I already read a little bit of it, and it has very comforting words. I do need to say that when I received the book and the letter, I cried and cried and cried. And I think I really needed to do that.

*

All that aside for now, I do want to say that I took a big step today. Actually maybe two big steps. I decided it was time for a trip to Costco and on my way there took the overpass from Gladiolus Drive to Summerlin Road. That is something that I had been avoiding ever since my accident, because sometimes it’s hard to merge there and one time somebody nearly ran me off the road refusing to let me in. I always get a little nervous going there. But it was absolutely fine today. There was nobody I had to merge with. 

And then, as I was approaching Costco, a song came on the radio that just seem to have the perfect words. This song came out right at the end of my freshman year of high school and I loved it from the first time I heard it. These words telling me that things will get easier, and even being referred to as a child, just felt so perfect today. I have added this song to my special playlist that I listen to many mornings. Hopefully you know this song, and can sing along, keeping me in mind as you do. I appreciate it 🌻

I don’t usually do this, but today I must. I subscribe to Sherman Alexie on Substack, and on occasion he posts poems, micro-memoirs, and short stories he’s written. The one today really spoke to me. I think it is because I use the phrase “take care” quite a bit. In fact, I bet I said it to Jim every time I left him, along with “I love you.”  

The power of this poem, besides its format which is interesting in its own right, is that it makes you think of some small thing you are grateful for, something that helps you take care of yourself or others. For me today it’s fresh water and ice I have constant access to. It helps me stay hydrated and healthy. I like that I can rely on it.

Enjoy this poem “Take Care.” I hope it makes you think of one small thing you are grateful for today.

Take Care  poem SHERMAN ALEXIE OCT 16 This morning, before we ended the call, my friend said "Take care," a common phrase, yes, and delivered by habit but let's take a moment to recognize its uncommon grace, its call for all of us to take care of ourselves, of course, but also to take care of others, and, today, let it be a call to take care, to notice, the smaller beauties of the things that surround us. I feel silly but I'm going to celebrate the shredded wheat squares that I ate for breakfast. Ah, the crisp and slight sweetness of the cereal are also the two aspects of personality that I love most in people—so here is my honor song for that blend of human satire and kindness—the gentle mockery and gentle praise—the edge of tender and tender of edge—that leave me laughing and grateful for loving and being loved.   LIKE COMMENT RESTACK

Lectio Divina #1

 On Sunday I returned to a church I haven’t been to in 20 years.

It felt great to be back.

There are many reasons I knew I needed to find a faith community again. And Iona-Hope Episcopal is the perfect place. It has grown in amazing ways since I was last there.

I have been keeping an eye on them for years. I have been visiting the labyrinth they installed about five years ago. When I knew I needed something to anchor my life, now that my husband and career are gone, I checked out the many activities they have. I will be attending a grief group called Moving On this Thursday. I also want to join their book club.

Yesterday afternoon, I joined the Lectio Divina group. It is a contemplative way to study scripture. Here is the reading we did. We start by considering a word or phrase, and keep reading it three more times for deeper understanding. Writing and art are encouraged.  

After the process, this is what I wrote:

In God, I have all I need

In God, I can be sad, but not shattered

In God, my world is good

In God, I praise all of nature and its cycles, including life and death

In God, I have gratitude for all that came before, all that is here now, and all that will be

In God, I have an anchor at all times

In God, I open my heart to peace and know it

When I  wonder “How exactly do I do this?”

The answer is always 

through the grace and wholeness of who God created me to be

Monday Gratitudes

 

Jim with high school friend Russ Fernlund (2012)

It’s been one week since Jim left this plane of existence.

Today I am grateful that I got through this first week.

I’m grateful I got to talk to his oldest friend on Saturday.

I’m grateful Annmarie and I had a delicious lunch together.

I am grateful to all who checked in on me and helped during the hurricane.

I’m grateful I’m slowly chipping away at things that need to be done here.

It feels good.

I’m grateful I decided to return to a church home. I felt incredibly welcome.

I’m grateful I will have a prayer group and a grief group.

I’m grateful for the books I’m reading. 

I’m grateful for the shows I’m watching. They keep me entertained.

I’m grateful for good food and good neighbors.

I’m grateful for those who follow this blog!

Brighter and Lighter

 Journal entry

I saw this meme from Adam Grant and I realize that’s exactly where I am.

 I've worked really hard to stay in the present moment because it was too difficult to envision a bright future knowing Jim was terminally ill. Which reminds me of what I heard earlier this year – – that all love affairs come to a bad end. The couple either breaks up or one of them dies. 

Now that I know Jim is out of pain, I can look to the future in a new way. I will keep working on my healing, make new connections, do some things I have not been able to do.

I’m not a caretaker anymore. Wow – – first time I’ve said those words.

I have a gazillion things ahead of me to do, and it will take a long time.

I still have burdens – – but I know they will lighten.

I take everything Jim gave me and carry it into a brighter future.

2024 has been beyond challenging. Yet, I saw such goodness and generosity and care coming our way every day. We were given exactly what we needed in each moment, even those weeks we were separated. The world is full of amazing human beings, who are capable of caring, listening, reaching out, going the extra mile for us. It’s really astounding to look back and realize all those wonderful people who helped us. I’m talking about nurses and hospital staff and chaplains and social workers and hospice. 

I enter this phase with new vision and understanding. I carry with me the inspiration of all those people who helped us. I want to be one of those people for others.

I will find my place. And it will be exactly where I need to be.