Poking Things With Sticks

 Notes on a Sunday

Yesterday I fell in the Target parking lot, cutting and bruising my knees and my foot.

Sadly, I know when I hurt myself, it is usually with a reason. In this case, I was mulling over the fact that Jim was at home trying to fix the garbage disposal, and I needed to get home to finish cleaning up for company that was coming from out of town.

In essence, of course, it was much more than that.

All week, I had prided myself on speaking my truth and staying balanced and getting done what needed to be done. It wasn’t all perfect, but I honestly thought I was doing pretty well. In reality, my mind was poking around, creating scary scenarios, and keeping real joy at bay. I didn’t realize it, of course.

This morning I cried…a lot. I admitted I’m scared. I read a lot of inspirational things and listened to songs with messages I need. Here is the list:

“Poking Things With Stick” and “You Found that Thing You Lost” by David Kirby

Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of the Animals — in this case, Contrary Possum (that really hit home!)

“Bubbles Up” — Jimmy Buffett

“His Strength is Perfect” — CeCe Winans

“What Good Am I” —Bob Dylan

“Mull of Kintyre” — Paul McCartney and Wings

“Miracle” — Whitney Houston

Still, I stewed a bit. What do I write this day? Do I really want to detail all my grief and agony? Is it necessary?

Then across my Facebook feed came this from my friend Melody Wright:

I laughed out loud. If this didn’t say it all!

I had concluded that I had allowed myself to lose some faith and trust. I had failed to look for joy — and part of me knew it. I had allowed the stress of company coming to unhinge me in some ways, because frankly, I am a terrible housekeeper and I was pushing myself to do what I should have done ages ago.

And to what end? Scott’s flight was canceled and now the trip has been canceled, so it was all for nought.

When will I realize I just need to stay in the moment? When will I notice I’m not before I lose it? Fall in a parking lot? Have a meltdown?

When will I stop being a dumbass? 😂😂😂