This Won't Leave Me Alone

 

It was the beginning of 2nd period on Friday, and we were waiting for the morning news to come on. I realized that there was printing on the screen, something about the Ovations Dancers -- the elite dance group at my school of the arts.

And then music started and the dancers, dressed in their Christmas jammies, were dancing on the stage, on the walkways, and all kinds of recognizable places around our campus, to the music of Mariah Carey.

I turned off the lights and stood in the corner of the room, a huge lump in my throat, trying to fight back the tears (that still come with the memory), and it all flooded in, all the losses of this school year, knowing that this day traditionally given over to a wonderful holiday celebration had been truncated, left to one class to video and share.

As I fought back tears, I looked around my study hall class, and some weren't even watching the screen. Meanwhile, I was trying so hard not to totally melt down, like I'm doing now over 24 hours later as I write these words.

Throughout this pandemic, I've done a good job accentuating the positive, making the wisest choices I can about any social activities, and looking at the benefits it has given us. There are some, truly.

But this past Friday morning, I had to grieve. I had to acknowledge the loss. I had to recognize fully for the first time I wouldn't be hearing the jazz band play some upbeat holiday tune, that I wouldn't get to hear the magnificent Panther Singers, and worst of all, our whole school would not be singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas" together, as is our tradition--my very favorite, by the way.

Today has had many lovely things about it, spending time making music and with my online writing friends. But this grief wouldn't shake out of me, despite it all.

It just wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote about it. It is reminding me I can't bury the sorrows that are part of 2020. 

Time will move on, things will change, and it will be easy to forget some of the strife. This is my small part in documenting the realities. 

And now maybe I can finally start letting it go.