Windows of Determination (2000-2005)

Written in my head on Christmas Day as I walked in my former apartment community. Finally getting it down today as it comes out, as it has been rolling around in my brain for over a week now!

Downstairs,
the window on the right
is where I discovered that the moon I thought might forsake me
would still peek its way into my blinds at night, to let me know she
was still there for me. This is the room we watched The West Wing and
Six Feet Under, where I discovered Jon Stewart, where I saw the second
plane crash into the World Trade Center and in a panic called to my husband,
a room I watched the videos for my Humanities and History of Western Civilization
courses, where our dog Macbeth liked to lie in the doorway making it a challenge
to exit. Determined always to move forward, to focus my energy in the right place.

The window on the left is where the computer resided, where the poem "Tulips"
by Sylvia Plath laid me low for days, where I wrote my $500 scholarship story "Dragonfly,"
a draft of a novel called Fire on the River, where I sorted out index cards with research
notes for a variety of papers for my Florida Literature and Shakespeare courses, where
I wrote to my friends and downloaded music for the first time, where I collected
my writings and photos into a booklet called Turning Point I gave as a Christmas
present to family and friends. Determined to be considered a writer with a good mind,
ability to deeply analyze, to extend myself, to be who I never actually thought I'd be.

The screened in center is the lanai where I raised my first orchids, where I watched sunsets,
talked with visiting friends into the night with a bottle of wine, where I would work
diligently with a stack of sharpened pencils completing mountains of math homework,
determined to pass that test, to become a teacher, always knowing it could be the one thing
to bring me down if I didn't focus my energy in the right place. This is the apartment I
hunkered down in during my first hurricane in August 2004, right after I began my teaching
life, where I would come home with parcels of reflection papers by my students, learning
who they were, determined to be the best teacher, feeling wholly unqualified and uncertain,
step by step; I would look out the windows at the wildlife on the lake, walk the pathway
around looking at the little wildflowers, the nature all around me, knowing I was in
the perfect place to make my dreams come true. Southwest Florida, home of my heart.

This place. These windows. This important turning point of my life.