My favorite stanza was this one:
Easy to forget
how the great receiving depth
untamed by what we need
needs only what will flow its way.
The idea of accepting everything that flows our way is a principle of living that I keep discovering on deeper and deeper levels. I am seeing that there is a great more "receiving depth" inside me than I ever knew was possible.
My recent hospital visit and struggle to start feeling well again brought this to the forefront in a visceral way. I could not ignore the anxiety I was feeling any more. At first I thought, oh, it was just a virus. But soon it was evident that anxiety was the culprit.
Rita, one of my creative writing students wrote a poem about anxiety. She is a sixth grader. Her entire poem was just a question written in different ways over and over -- Anxiety. What is it? In her young world she experiences this thing that baffles her, and she can't even find words.
I'm finding deep truth in her question these days. For more years than I care to remember, I've been studying and trying to apply the principle of "live in the moment" to my life. It was not until this past week I truly felt what that meant when it is required daily, not just considered and forgotten.
If anxiety was the cause of my recent health struggle, than being aware of anxiety moment by moment has to be the answer. So I found myself all day, every day, monitoring my emotions and feelings, my responses and reactions. One afternoon I forgot and lost my way, and boy did I suffer, along with my students and the paraprofessional working in my room. I was "out of body." I was in anxiety -- trapped.
As Rita wrote in her poem: What is this? It feels so destructive. How to escape?
Two years ago at this time I was suffering from shingles, still about the worst pain I have ever felt. I discovered that it was caused by long buried anger and disconnection from spirit. I swore it wouldn't happen again. I work hard to stay connected and to monitor my anger.
But I wasn't watching for anxiety.
***
To fully release anxiety, I must go with the flow of things, and allow that I will receive what I need. This flow became evident this week when I decided enough was enough with test prep programs and higher level questioning being the be-all and end-all of education. I decided it was time for a small project. Just a slideshow about their own personal hero. I was ready to introduce the project with a slideshow of my own, but they didn't need it. The joy SPIKED in the class when they saw the project listed on the Google Classroom. It was like a switch flipped. I didn't hear what I've grown used to hearing: I can't think of anything. What should I do? Do I have to do it?
Instead it was Can I download a photo of my hero from my phone? There were no questions -- just excitement and involvement. I just sat back and enjoyed. Well, except for telling a couple students they couldn't use characters from Sesame Street -- they needed a real person. :-)
This was the project that my colleague said she didn't have time for because it was "extra."
Once again, I see this IS the work.
Do I relearn this every year? Yes. Did anxiety bring me here? Somewhat. But the main thing is that I have come to know and understand that all of everything is in the moment. The moment I choose to use a creative idea instead of a stale one. The moment I smile rather than frown. The moment I walk away from what doesn't serve, and pursue nourishment.
The moment I let the flow in.
These are the lessons that are here now, in the moment, for me.
I may not really know what anxiety is, but I do know it comes with something to instruct. I just need to listen and receive. I have the will and capacity.
Now I just need to remember.
No comments:
Post a Comment