Rainbow Day?

 

Donegal, Ireland. Credit: Doreen Dvorscak

This could be the day.

My rainbow day.

When I see my home again.

When I see Jim again.

When I will begin to establish my life again.

So many changes coming.

This time better have prepared me.

Sit With It

 

Being in the hospital has forced me to sit with it

I’ve already expressed how difficult mornings can be

Because that’s when I’m forced to sit with it

It’s quiet. Breakfast isn’t here yet.

So when those anxieties and worries, start floating around

I have to sit with it

 With no notebook in hand, I just have to process through in new ways

But I still project onto my day good things to happen

Today, perhaps I will walk further, with less assistance

I feel myself moving back toward my home

And I can’t wait.

Miss My Mornings

 In this Other World I’m living in

Coffee is not really a thing

At home, I would concoct delicious coffee combinations

Based on a variety of flavors and styles

I would sip that coffee while writing in my journal

Praying, reading, thinking about the upcoming day

But here in this Other World

I wake to the dark and it just seems dark

I feel surrounded, misplaced

It’s when the blues start to set in

But I still do some reading

And I still pray, of course

And my prayer today is that I’m closer to getting out 

of this Other World

The Middle of Ireland

My cousin Doreen and her husband are traveling around Ireland this month. She sent me these photos with this notation:

We are in the middle of Ireland, and visited Birr Castle today.  This is Saint Brendan’s well on the castle grounds.
It dates back to the 6th century.  I made a wish and said a prayer for you and Jim.

There is something very sweet and touching in knowing that in another part of the world, deep in the green earth, lie good wishes and prayers for Jim and I. Somehow, looking at these pictures, I feel like I have been to this place. I don’t know how or why. 

I find it soothing.

 

Hanging On

 

My friend Kara has a saying for when we’re going through tough times:

Look for the lighthouses.

The lighthouses are the people that have gone through their own difficulties and have come shining through.

We can look to them for inspiration of how to move forward through our own trials and tribulations.

It reminds me of this plant that I saw growing out of vent on top of a hospital building.

I watched this guy get whipped around in the wind and the rain during some tremendous storms, yet he kept hanging on.

I continue to be in the midst of storms I never expected to encounter in my life. This little guy is one of my lighthouses. I find a strange comfort in knowing he’s out there in the blazing sun every day, hanging on by a thread during whatever nature throws at him

I think he’ll make it. I know I will.

Where/Who Am I?

 I keep looking at this picture of Alice

And I feel like it’s supposed to help reveal something to me

Where are we in life without our routines?

I’ve lost every bit of mine

Yesterday from the rearview of the ambulance

I was looking at the roads that I’ve traveled so many times

But these same roads I haven’t been on in very long time

As my life has taken these many twists and turns

Once I was in the hospital for a while, I had the routines down

Now I’m somewhere new and starting from scratch

All I really want is to live life on my terms

Choose my own routines

It’s so easy to get lost in this medical mania

What will I remember most about this time?

What will I have learned from this experience?

When will it be my time to emerge?

Hospital Day 10

 I am going crazy here without my journal.  I had considered having my neighbor bring it in, but didn’t feel like there was anywhere good to keep it. I had her bring me pads of papers and pens, but have yet to try them. Since she did bring my iPad, I thought I’d come straight here.

The point here is not to rehash everything. All of this is beyond my mind to even comprehend. I am forced into the moment because these previous days have been tough, and the future is terrifying in so many ways, I dare not go there.

Jim and I feel like we are hanging on by a string together. I told him last night I just know we will have a chance to hold each others’ hands again. Could God have brought us all this way together just to drop us in a lonely sea? I think not.

A chaplain who saw Jim came to see me. He didn’t have much to say, but he did recite my favorite quote:

All will be well

And all will be well

In all manner of things will be well

I colored these bright flowers today. Sunflowers have been a guiding light to me for many years. They remind me that joy is always at hand. That when we are together we are more powerful. That we can stand tall and strong. And turning our face to the sun, our beautiful source, is a necessary spiritual ritual every day.