I have had several standout July 1sts in my life, many which I have no interest in going into here. The most outstanding was the day I was told I had ovarian cancer. Thankfully, that was not correct.
Today was decision day.
Today I had to finally come to terms with releasing the idea of going back into the classroom directly this fall, if that is the path the district takes.
We were told early today we'd be informally surveyed by our principals, advised on what kind of questions would be asked, and that this was just for planning purposes. Nothing written in stone.
However, I've been waffling too long. I needed to feel definitive.
I needed to let go.
The school year for teachers begins August 3rd. I turned 65 on August 6th.
I have been told that because of my age, if I want to go back into the classroom I have to sign a voluntary return form.
But that isn't the issue.
The issue is uncertainty. I feel tremendously healthy, and I like to sometimes think I could get away with day-to-day close contact with people (no matter what anyone says, that is what it would be.) I still carry some invincible genes from youth.
Today I had to let that notion go. Thinking about answering the questions for my brand new principal (I think he starts today), made me realize I had to KNOW what I wanted to do.
Well -- NEED to do. It isn't what I want.
As I get older, I can see that little things pop up unexpectedly when it comes to health and my body, situations that are new because of aging. I cannot ignore that a huge percentage of people who have died from this virus were 65 or older. Yes, they may have had lung issues or been obese or in a nursing home where it ran rampant. That isn't the point. The point is susceptibility.
I have known for a long time that I was selfish thinking I could go back into that classroom of mine and everything would work out. I knew that I whatever I came into contact with would most likely come home to my husband, who has noticeably aged since his mild stroke. I tried to blot out any fear of this scenario. So my response was to not think about it. I figured I would know when I had to decide.
Today was that day.
Around 9:30 this morning I knew I had to let go. I burst into tears -- but not for long. It felt good to decide. It felt good to stop pretending I could do something I obviously cannot.
Perhaps we will all be going virtual, and none of this will really matter. I've been told that if I want to work remotely, there may be a chance of that, even if on-site school resumes.
When talking to Jim about all of this, I had a moment when I could see that all is in perfect order. No matter what direction all of this takes, I know I will be in the right place for me. My dream of continuing to teach will be fulfilled.
Again I'm reminded that making a decision is usually just about getting in line with the Universal Design. And I'm grateful for that!
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