4. Annoyance

#64Challenge

In order to keep this "challenge" honest, I need to be sure I'm writing about the entire teaching experience, not just the bright and beautiful parts. I did it earlier this week regarding my second period class.

But this is different. Much more personal.

Yesterday morning before announcements came on and class began, my second period was hanging out in the room, playing games on their Chromebooks, talking, and laughing. I noticed a student drawing a picture. It was Dobbin, a boy you may remember me talking about from last year when he wrote me a beautiful note at the end of the year telling me how I would always be his favorite teacher. I glanced at his drawing and realized it had the name "Sadler" on it. I took a closer look.

It was "Annoyance Sadler" -- a likeness of what my face looks like when I'm annoyed with the class.

Gawd.

I already knew I was being a bit grouchier than I want to be. I already have faced the fact that all my visualization of being the teacher I've always dreamed I'd be has quickly fallen on hard times in many of the classes, as I sort through nearly two hundred students, trying to remember who is Jayden, Haiden, Hayley, August, and Augustin. Don't get me started on J'La, Jamaria, Jemeria, and Jocelyn who all sit together...

But I digress.

Dobbin was proud of his art -- he meant no harm. He thought he could make me laugh. Instead I just gently said, "I would prefer to see peaceful and calm Sadler."

After class was over I found a long handwritten note from Dobbin on my desk. He was profoundly sorry and begged me not to be mad. He was earnestly trying to brighten my day.

This was not about him, of course. I knew it was I who was the problem -- the me who has too often witnessed that my ideal does not match the reality. I still have a ton of emotion wrapped up in this, and I will work through it. But I knew I had an action to take.

My planning period was over lunch, so I looked up Dobbin's schedule, and found him in the cafeteria. I sat by him and told him I could never be mad at him, that I knew his intention was good and pure, and the problem is that I don't like to see that part of me.

I write this today to renew my pledge again to be a better person. To try to smile more. To relax into what is. To bring a little light and joy. To find the poetry in every student.

In my finer moments, I will remember. And eventually, those moments will stack even closer together, leaving little room for "Annoyance Sadler."