Change (it’s okay!)

On Thanksgiving day I read a poem called “thankful” by ullie kaye.  There were a few lines that stood out to me, so I’ve decided to put them here with chosen images, so I may remember.

i am thankful for skies that change color

for paths that change direction

and for seasons that remind me we are all just one breath away from a new beginning

A Sudden Calm

I’ve been feeling a bit more off balance than I’d like, and doing everything I can to get a grip. It comes and goes and I’m wishing I felt more solid.

Taking time to be with friends these last few days has been good, but I’m still feeling some anxiety.

After I wrote my blog yesterday, I was reading other things and it all started to get to me.

Then I read Matthew Dicks’ blog which is emailed to me every day. You may recognize the name—he’s the storyteller who created Homework for Life, a practice I continue.

Anyway, his blog was about meeting a friend in despair over the state of our world, and he talked to his friend, sharing the difficulties of the past—concentration camps in Germany, the draft during the Vietnam War, the economic issues of the 1970s — and he assured his friend that we all come out of these things by taking small steps. He ended the blog saying “In every small way, find a way,” and with this image:

I felt an immediate calm.

I’ve never seen this image before, but yesterday I never needed something as much as it. All I could do was stare at it. I didn’t even want to think about the meaning.

But today I did write about it in my journal:

I look at this truncated tree, and the instrument that did the damage. I feel it is my life that got cut down—my teaching life and my married life. And I’ve always known and felt there would be new directions for me, things I can’t imagine right now. So I see this so perfectly rendered and it moves me deeply. It removes anxiety. It’s factual.

This happened. 

And is still happening

In every small way, find a way.

Thanksgiving Gratitudes (of course!)

 I am grateful for three days spent with friends this week

And especially for the dinner I will be having today

The first holiday without Jim present.

I am grateful for you, my family and friends, who read this blog

Cheer me on

Comfort me.

I am grateful for all the medical professionals who helped us through this year

Of unprecedented hospital visits

And Hope Hospice as well.

I am grateful to everyone at Cypress Lake Middle

Always there for me.

I am grateful to my neighbors who have done so much for me.

I am grateful to those who have reached out across the miles,

Calling and writing and sending cards

Especially the SJA class of 1973.

I am grateful for my new church home

Providing the anchors I need.

I am grateful for all who helped me pull my retirement together,

Which was no small feat given my husband was dying.

I am grateful my healing from that horrible infection

Has been consistently good.

I am grateful for professional advice I’ve had to seek.

This Thanksgiving Day

Is for us all to remember

We will always make it through

Somehow, someway.

For that, I am mostly grateful.

Thanksgiving Day 2016

Meeting in Punta Gorda: a nonet

 

Seeing each other after three years

Three not so easy years, but this

meeting again, time collapsed

There was joy and laughter

and plenty of tears

We have Common

Boundary

Deep ties

Love

The Fall

Journal Entry

I am holding the touchstone as I write and it brings me a lot of peace. I need it.

Based on my readings today, I took a “fall” — perhaps I took on too much or obsessed too much and it brought me here.

But the more likely explanation is I am not allowing myself self-compassion. My friend Kara reminded me yesterday during a well-timed phone call that I need to prioritize my own care.

I had been feeling so good, moving along, so positive. But then, as Albert Camus said:

…the perpetual impulse forward always falls back to gather new strength. The fall is brutal, but we set out again.

Jim’s memorial service buoyed me up for a long time. There was bound to be a fall. I appreciate what Camus has to say. Instead of feeling weak and like I can’t handle things, I know now is time for gathering strength. The fall helps me do that.

And then I am gifted with a daily reading from Regina Brett’s new book. Did you ever see a title more appropriate for my current life?

Her essay today was entitled “If it was supposed to be different it would be.”

Bam!

Regina tells of her brother-in-law who took a literal fall in a hotel shower while on vacation and became a quadriplegic. That’s heavy duty, but inspiring. He went on to live a fulfilled life, even published a book of poetry.

There is life after the fall. It’s just a little detour!

This, after all, is part of grieving and it won’t be the last time.

I got ahead of myself. I got to thinking too far in the future and trying to figure things out I had no business worrying about. Awareness — yes.  Anxiety — no!

The touchstone in my hand continues to have a calming effect. 

A big realization I had regarding how I got to the fall was that I ate all my meals alone last week, and that isn’t good for me. All other weeks, I got together at least one time with someone else. So that’s a warning flag! Fortunately, I have things lined up for this week.

I’m learning. Grounding back to remembering things have been, will be, and are exactly as they should be. If it was supposed to be different it would be.

Kacey Musgraves performed my favorite new song from her on the CMA Awards. It is called “The Architect” and I know I shared it before, but this is a sweet acoustic version. The song reminds me someone else is in charge (even as Kacey questions it.)

I cannot avoid the falls. There will surely be more as I navigate this new life. I need to keep doing the things that anchor me. Line up time with friends. Get a lot of rest. The best I can do is to be aware and listen well for guidance, because I know it is always there when I need it.

All in the right time.

What a Busy Week

It’s late Friday afternoon, and I’m just getting to this blog. It’s been quite a week, but I seem to be coming to the end of the long road of financial and legal matters. I’ve had several ideas on where to take this, but will keep it short and sweet.

I picked up Jim’s touchstone today.

This is a flat stone in a display I can take out and hold in my hand. It contains some of his ashes.

When I die, there will be one made in purple for me. Well, not for me…I guess for whoever wants it. It’s already paid for.

Which, by the way, I highly recommend making your arrangements and getting them paid for in advance. It saved me a lot of angst and trouble when Jim passed. I was able to pull out a card with his account number and phone number to call. Quick and easy. I have a friend whose husband died in June and she said going to the funeral home to make the arrangements was the worst. It was traumatizing to her.

Here is where the stone will sit when not in my hand. 

Now I’m working on building in a lot of “me” time as Thanksgiving week approaches. I am grateful my friend Pam has invited me to share dinner at Lexington Country Club on Thursday. My friend Iris will be in Siesta Key, so we will meet in Punta Gorda for lunch on Tuesday. Otherwise, I have books to read and shows to watch and I really need to get a walk in at Lakes Park during this cooler weather. I am doing my best to take small steps forward and enjoy life just as it is. 

Thank you, friends, for listening and sharing your thoughts. It motivates me to keep expressing here, which I truly believe is something I need.

Another Sunrise

Yesterday I faced some real truth

That I may not be able to stay in this home indefinitely

It is too costly and I will need to let it go

Sooner than I anticipated.

When I woke today I heard you say

It will be all right, It will be all right, It will be all right.

I got up, wrapped myself in your suede jacket

Sat on the lanai on this cool morning

And watched the peach sunrise

Rejoicing in the love we shared

As I watched the light change in the sky

And on the water

And I knew for certain

It will be all right.