The Fall

Journal Entry

I am holding the touchstone as I write and it brings me a lot of peace. I need it.

Based on my readings today, I took a “fall” — perhaps I took on too much or obsessed too much and it brought me here.

But the more likely explanation is I am not allowing myself self-compassion. My friend Kara reminded me yesterday during a well-timed phone call that I need to prioritize my own care.

I had been feeling so good, moving along, so positive. But then, as Albert Camus said:

…the perpetual impulse forward always falls back to gather new strength. The fall is brutal, but we set out again.

Jim’s memorial service buoyed me up for a long time. There was bound to be a fall. I appreciate what Camus has to say. Instead of feeling weak and like I can’t handle things, I know now is time for gathering strength. The fall helps me do that.

And then I am gifted with a daily reading from Regina Brett’s new book. Did you ever see a title more appropriate for my current life?

Her essay today was entitled “If it was supposed to be different it would be.”

Bam!

Regina tells of her brother-in-law who took a literal fall in a hotel shower while on vacation and became a quadriplegic. That’s heavy duty, but inspiring. He went on to live a fulfilled life, even published a book of poetry.

There is life after the fall. It’s just a little detour!

This, after all, is part of grieving and it won’t be the last time.

I got ahead of myself. I got to thinking too far in the future and trying to figure things out I had no business worrying about. Awareness — yes.  Anxiety — no!

The touchstone in my hand continues to have a calming effect. 

A big realization I had regarding how I got to the fall was that I ate all my meals alone last week, and that isn’t good for me. All other weeks, I got together at least one time with someone else. So that’s a warning flag! Fortunately, I have things lined up for this week.

I’m learning. Grounding back to remembering things have been, will be, and are exactly as they should be. If it was supposed to be different it would be.

Kacey Musgraves performed my favorite new song from her on the CMA Awards. It is called “The Architect” and I know I shared it before, but this is a sweet acoustic version. The song reminds me someone else is in charge (even as Kacey questions it.)

I cannot avoid the falls. There will surely be more as I navigate this new life. I need to keep doing the things that anchor me. Line up time with friends. Get a lot of rest. The best I can do is to be aware and listen well for guidance, because I know it is always there when I need it.

All in the right time.